My sister hates me

LegacyUser

Going unreg

Bit of background info:

My older sister and I have never gotten on since we were small - just the usual clash of personalities.

As we got older, we obviously grew up and left home and when we did meet at family occasions etc we would be polite to each other. But not buddy buddy like calling, texting or meeting up - I got on with my own life and it never bothered me.

She has 2 kids who are pets and I have always remembered birthdays, Christmas and even babysat a few overnights etc. I dote on them - they are such nice kids!

My sister had always had some issue with me - if our parents were talking to her and mentioned anything about me (like new job, when we bought our house, things like that) she would get really annoyed so my parents actually told me about 2 years ago that they had stopped mentioning me as it wasn't worth the argument - don't ask me what that is about - I haven't a clue

BTW, I get on great with my parents and they get on great with her - she just seems to hate me for whatever reason.

Also, we have never had any direct confrontation at all (not since we were living at home and in our early teens anyway) - I am in my late 20's and she is in her mid 30's so a long long time has passed since we lived together.

Anyway, I got married a few years ago and when I asked her to be bridesmaid (as my only sister, of course I would!) and she refused - didn't give a reason but point blank refused to do it. I didn't push the issue and went on with planning the wedding.

The day of the wedding, all she did was complain to anyone who would listen about every aspect of the day - she also very loudly told anyone who would listen about how her day was more expensive, her dress was better etc. But her main complaint was that she wasn't bridesmaid and wasn't it terrible as my only sister that I had 3 "strangers" instead (my 3 best friends, hardly strangers!)

Fast forward to 2 years later and my husband and I find out that we are expecting. When I rang her to tell her - she didn't react - just "oh, ok" and changed the subject.

That is the last time she has spoken to me. When my little lad was born, she didn't text, call or visit. We had a bad birth and I was housebound for a while and not once did she get in touch (she lives 10 mins away)

My little lad is now 14 months old and my only sister has never seen him, or talked to me since, not even a text.

There was one family occasion a few months back and I was really nervous about going to it with my son in case she was mean or something - but as it turns out, as soon as she heard we were on our way, she made her excuses and left.

My parents have tackled her over it as I am really hurt by it but don't even know how to broach it with her as she clearly doesn't like me, she never has but I would at least like to be on cordial terms for the sake of our kids and our parents.

When they asked her about the way she is carrying on, she said that she is angry at me because I didn't call her after the birth and I didn't invite her over. She wants me to apologize for not including her.

I don't know what I am hoping for by writing this - Just to vent I think

I don't know if I should just apologise to keep the peace (even though I don't think it is a new mothers job to be chasing people trying to get them to see the baby - normally you have to beat people away from your door!)

irishbarb

I wouldn't call her and apologise. To me it sounds like she's not worth your time and energy. I know you are sisters and you want to be involved in her kid's lives, but it seems to me that for whatever reason she does not have any interest in being involved in yours at all. I can't get over how she never visited or made contact after you had your first child and still hasn't 14 months down the line. If I was in your position I don't think I could ever get over that. If you really want to try and sort things out and be the bigger person, maybe try ringing her and asking her if she wants to try and sort out the relationship. For that to work though both of you are going to have to be brutally honest and lay it all out on the table without getting mad or upset. Otherwise, just pretending to get on and acting like everything is fine won't work for long. There is a chance that when you get into contact with her she's going to tell you she doesn't want to know you at all. Unfortunately you might just have to accept that and maybe sometime down the line she'll grow up and come to you.

Esel

Do you have any other siblings? There is a fair age difference between you, and if she was the only child before you came along, she could well have resented you for taking her place in your parents' affections.

cruais

By the sounds of it, her children are more grown up and mature than she is!

edellc

OP your story is very similar to my relationship with my younger sister..I would love nothing more than to be friends and have some form of relationship but she behaves just like your sister does.

We always have options in every aspect of our life even when we think we have none and you like I have the same three options

1. leave things as they are and deal with it

2. Ring her and shock her to the core by calling her out on her behaviour, do it in a calm manner and seriously think about what you want to say beforehand as people like her tend to switch off quickly when they feel they are being attacked, even though you are trying to have and adult conversation they just don't understand that concept. So write it down and be precise but expect her to hang up. However is she does actually behave like and adult and have a conversation back then maybe you can salvage some relationship but it has to both of you making an effort and not just you.

3. Stop having contact with her altogether, just because she is family doesnt mean you have to be in each others lives, its sad but the old saying is true in that you can choose your friends but cant choose your family. Just because your sister doesnt mean you have to get on or even like each other...You decide who and what you let effect you in life, and life is short so do you really need this toxic situation.

I know that number 3 is extreme but sometimes it is called for unfortunately, yes we would all love to have a waltons type family but most of us has one that could be written into a soap opera. Of course it would be nice for your parents if you got along and for the kids but your sister doesn't want that and you can spend numerous amounts of time, energy and tears trying but if she doesnt want it then it wont happen and you will have to accept that, grieve for the loss of a sister and move on.

I wish you all the best OP as I really understand the emotional turmoil you are in with this, but I do hope you find some peace...congratulation on your little one.

Stavro Mueller

I assume too that you've not seen your sister's kids either. If that's the case she's depriving them of a relationship with you and vice versa. I can't help but think that even if you did apologise and mend that bridge for now, it'd only be a matter of time before she came up with some other reason to fall out with you. In my opinion you not calling her is just a convenient excuse. She hates your guts and this perceived sleight was just the excuse she needed to cut you out of her life.

You've extended the hand of friendship to her time and time again and look what she has done in return. I can understand why you want to have some sort of relationship with her but she doesn't want that. In fact, I would guess she's happy as a pig in the proverbial now that you're not in her life and that she doesn't have to play happy families.

tony81

It's sounds like jealousy that turned into a mental disorder...
Your sister may actually believe her own lies. A family member of mine often does something inconsiderate, everyone ignores it, then a few months later has a finely polished, no loose threads lie that is so plausible...
I'll just advise you that you do not need your sisters approval. With families theres unconditional love. (With strangers you can just cut them out) You can send her cards or photos but just don't expect one back, that way you won't be disappointed.

username123

tony81 wrote: »

With families theres unconditional love. (With strangers you can just cut them out)

Rubbish, you cant choose your family but you can choose to have them in your life or not.

I became estranged from my own parents due to alcoholism, and after their deaths I became estranged from my only sibling because - well I suppose because of the effects of alcoholism, but because he was a toxic individual who did nothing but bring stress into my life and was totally inconsistent in his treatment of me, lovely to me one minute, a psycho the next, and never owning his behaviour - took no responsibility and if I was upset it was my fault. So I cut him out. That was years ago now and Im delighted with my decision. Its a much nicer life.

So OP, if there is someone in your life who causes only stress and who does stuff that upsets you and never apologises, and its an unequal relationship in the terms that you describe, then just leave her to her own devices and stop trying to force a relationship.

Im a bit unclear as to why you asked her to be bridesmaid or called to tell her you were pregnant anyway - given that you say you were never friends and after you both moved out you were merely distant and polite to each other at family do's etc. Also as to why you have been a babysitter for her - its as though on the one hand you see there was and is no relationship, but on the other you think you should be doing certain things simply because you have blood ties?

My own opinion of blood ties is well documented in my posts, being related to someone doesnt make them less of an a-hole. Nor does it mean you have to put up with them.

Why do you want her to see the baby? Why do you want her in your life at all? Look at how you speak about her - no relationship, never got on, was horrible at your wedding?

Im baffled as to why anyone would want someone like that in their life at all.

LegacyUser

All of you are being very quick to judge OP's sister without knowing the full context. How do ye know she doesn't have good reason for feeling the way she does? There are two sides to every story, is all I'm saying.

OP, I recommend you have an honest discussion with your sister about this situation. Don't bring other people into it - this is between the two of you. If you can't do it in person, send her an email explaining everything. Don't come off as accusatory, but express a genuine desire to understand why she behaves the way she does. Maybe there has been an ongoing misunderstanding between the two of you that you can clear up. Maybe she is just a naturally awkward person and would find it difficult to strike up a friendship with you now the distance has gotten so ingrained, so she puts up a defensive front (with the snarky remarks and such). Is she an avoidant personality in general or does she just do this with you? How does she relate to other members of your family - is she the "black sheep"? Maybe she is paranoid that you gossip about her to the rest of your family. If she feels resentment from the rest of your family, this can add to the defensiveness and avoidance. I guess you wouldn't know, given your lack of relationship, but these are questions to bring up. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Op here....

Thanks everyone for your replies - It's taken me a few reads of your responses to answer - at first some of them made me upset (only because the truth hurts I suppose)

But it's great to have someone write down what I know myself but couldn't admit

I think in some part of my mind, I have always felt that there must be something I can do, something I can say, and hey presto - she will magically turn into the bigger sister I have always wanted - someone to be friends with, ask advice from and share in the ups and downs of life.

I think I just have to let this fantasy go, accept her for what she is (not sure if I can use the word)

tony81

username123 wrote: »

Rubbish, you cant choose your family but you can choose to have them in your life or not.

It's not rubbish, you seem to be missing a point. I feel sorry for you that you were estranged from your parents and sibling. But when there's a rift in a family and when people want to remain close to other family members, the best thing to do is try to smooth things over.

I'm not saying you have to try to keep people close to you and keep making efforts to involve them in your life. Absolutely the opposite in fact. Put some clear blue water between you and them and don't get sucked in to their games or brought down by their behaviour.

At the same time, it is healthy to forgive people that hurt you. Also it is charitable to make efforts to at least be approachable to these people. Let's face it, the op's sister is probably genuinely hurt by these sleights (even if they are imagined). She's more to be pitied than hated.

confuseddotcom

I was going to suggest maybe write her a Letter explaining that you would like her to be part of your life and if she can't/won't, - it is well time for you to be moving on with your own life with or without her even though you would have liked her to be a part of it.

Thing is though, like another Poster has said; - trying to even at least patch things up may not work out well in the long-term as it's likely/possible that this type of behaviour from her will rear its' ugly head on an irregular basis anyway, so it could be a matter as you say yourself of just trying to get on with things in the best coping way that you can, and just be civil to her and that's all you have to be when there is nothing more that can be done.

tony81

confuseddotcom wrote: »

I was going to suggest maybe write her a Letter explaining that you would like her to be part of your life and if she can't/won't

You can imagine a convo between her sister and anyone who'll listen:
"It was just a few weeks before xmas and the child was sick.. next thing I got this horrible letter from you-know-who telling me she was cutting me out of her life and how everything was my fault!"

The fact is any conciliatory action the op can attempt will only backfire. (Even worse is "fighting fire with fire".) I read a great book called "in sheep's clothing" (approx €8 on kindle) and it really helped me in my approach to difficult family members.

LegacyUser

Op here again - to answer some of your questions: (I am not sure how to quote text)

"Do you have any other siblings?"
No - just the two of us

"Also as to why you have been a babysitter for her"
She has never asked me outright - before the big freeze out began when I got pregnant, I would get a call from one of the kids "auntie whatever, can we come and stay in your house tonight" - impossible to say no.
They would be dropped off with bags and no one would come with them to the door - I didn't mind too much cause I got to spend time with them.

A few times though, I wouldn't have known when they were being picked up and the kids wouldn't have known so had to cancel plans etc to accommodate them being in my house.
The worst was a bank holiday weekend - they arrived on Friday night and were collected Monday evening - it turns out they went away for the weekend and I was rude for texting and disturbing them asking when they would be collecting the kids - I only sent a text because she didn't answer the phone to me.

In those situations, one of them would come to the door, ask if the kids were ready (no they are not because I had no idea when or if you were coming back!) but she has never once thanked me for watching the kids- btw, her husband is lovely to me but stays out of all if it.

Oh and I am not trying to say that they are neglectful to their kids just dumping them - the kids would ask to come over, I would say yes so it isn't as bad as I am making it seem!

"All of you are being very quick to judge OP's sister without knowing the full context. How do ye know she doesn't have good reason for feeling the way she does? There are two sides to every story, is all I'm saying."
You are absolutely right, there is always two sides to every story and I am sure if she told her side from her perspective, I have probably done a lot to antagonize the situation. I wasn't trying to make myself out to be an innocent victim - obviously when we were kids, I gave as good as I got!
It is unfair to be on here hanging her out to dry when she doesn't have a chance to defend herself - and obviously perspective is everything.

And for those who have suggested I talk to her -
I have many times in the past - the most recent was after our wedding, before I got pregnant. Any time I have tried to mend bridges goes like this:

I invite her over or out, we sit drink tea, have what in my mind is a really good chat, we clear the air. She leaves, I feel really good about the talk and think that this might be the change.

A few days later, she is telling the parents about how I am a drama queen and tried to talk to her like a psychologist, I full of sh*t and how I think I am better than her etc etc. After the last one, I asked the parents not to tell me what she says about me anymore.


As to those asking why I want a relationship with her at all etc.
The honest answer, which will sound mean but besides the fact that she is my sister, her children are my nieces/nephew, the main reason is that it breaks my parents hearts - they want so much to have everyone over, all the grandkids growing up together, being able to talk to everyone without having to watch what you say - I think they are just tired and fed up with having to put up with the two of us bickering for half their lives - which is why, once I got into adulthood I made a conscious effort with her, stopped saying anything bad about her to the parents or her face and tried to keep the polite, nice facade going. I think at this stage in their lives, our parents deserve a little peace and quiet without being dragged down by us all the time.

Also, I just have no interest in drama and arguments at this stage in my life. It feels like I have had to stand up to her my whole life - it's funny, because she seems to like me better when she was able to push my buttons and get a proper row out of me when I was 10, 12 whatever. But since I decided to be nice to her and not argue any more, things have gone from bad to worse the past few years

ifElseThen

Keep her out of your life, your little man doesn't need a poisonous influence like that as he grows up.
Apologising to keep the peace will vindicate her ridiculous behaviour, meaning she doesn't have to face up to the fact that she is a plank.

curlzy

Hey OP,

My little sis is ten years younger. I was the only (and spoiled) child for years before she was born. Did I resent her? Eh no, I f*cking worship her, I love her with all my heart and no matter what I'm always here for her, she can ring me if she's in a pickle and I always help her out. I would take a bullet for her quite frankly. I honestly don't think it's to do with your sister being jealous etc. I think it's to do with her being an absolute c*nt. Like really, I get that you're only giving one side here but if your version is only 75% true, she's still a c*nt. As much as it would be lovely to all get along, at the end of the day she's not capable of it.

One of my aunt is a toxic c*nt. Much like your sister. She is down right nasty and vicious to my mother whenever possible, even at my nanny's funeral. What has my mam done? She's cut her out of her life, none of us see her anymore, and to be honest we don't give a flying f*ck. I've got cousins that I never really see. I really really don't care tbh. I think you may be breaking your heart on your kids/nephew/neice's behalf when the truth is they probably don't give a sh*t.

I would stop banging my head off the wall and just stop trying, it's not gonna work anyways. Just cut her out, toxic people are toxic, get rid of her and her poison, just go back to being polite. And if she ever needs a kidney laugh in her face and tell her she's being very rude texting you when you're busy : )

Best of luck.

ManOfMystery

As Curlzy has said it above (more eloquently than I could manage..!!) ................. some people are just born spiteful. No amount of psycho analysis into their childhood or adolescence will ever give a reasonable explanation as to why they behave like utter scumbags. We all know someone like that. I have an Auntie who's quite spiteful and nasty to people, even family, and no-one ever understood why. She grew up under the same roof as 12 others, was treated the same as them, none of them ever suffered any major calamities .............. and they all turned out ok.

Whilst I'm sure there are 2 sides to every story and your sister no doubt has a different perspective on things than you do, it really doesn't sound like you've ever done anything that bad on her to warrant the years of negativity and general contempt she seems to have towards you. And from what I can gather from your posts, you have made many efforts to try and better the situation.

You may just have to accept that you and your sister are never going to have a close bond, and focus your energies on your own kids and nieces/nephews. This - unfortunately - may be as good as it gets. Whilst the situation is obviously not ideal, it is 'bearable' and I'm sure you could continue like this provided there's major rows or catalysts to make things worse.

Stavro Mueller

+1 to what the others have said. I feel for you because not only are you having to accept that you're not going to have the sister you've wished you had but help likely that you're going to lose contact with her kids at least in the short term. Out of curiosity, have your parents ever pulled her up on her behaviour and suggested to her that she suck it up and be civil?

Seeing as she is the way she is, I don't think your son is losing out on much by not having this aunt in his life. You really can't be sure she won't be equally unpleasant to him. She has hurt you enough and you're an adult. Do you really want to put your son through the same?

If at some stage you and her end up having to meet, be nice and polite but move on. She sounds like someone to be wary of and not to be trusted.