my life for the lst 2 weeks

annon2012

going to go non for this
2 weeks go i was out with my now exwife and her sis , the 3 of us always get on well
anyway after about an hour she told me that she had told me tht she told her sister that i was bisexual, which i had revealed to my wife about 2 years earlier, i was kinda shocked and as the night wore on i became more and
more annoyed with her to the point where i made it quiet clear that i was adamant that this is something only i should be revealing to people.
to me there is nothing more personal to someone than their sexuality
i decided to go home and leave here in the company of her brother who had arrived
she was staying in her mothers that night so i had time to cool off by morning, but i still felt as betrayed, i gave her the silent treeatment for bout a day until i flound out she texted a mutual friend to say tht i told her sister and brother i was gay!
i went balistic when i found this out and we both had a sreaming mtch where she told me to get the f**k out of her house you gay ****!
what complicates this is the fact the house is a family house and we have 4 kids under 12
she has been using the kids as a weapon against me and naturally they levitate towards their mom, i for one will not start using the kids as a way to get at her as she is obviously doing
today she has told me she is going to a solicitor to get a barring order against me
throughout all of this i hve never called her names, slagged her off to the kids or asked her for anything

i know the marriage is over, i'm actually relieved at that, but i intend to stay around to be with my kids, but unless i have threatened her physically or verbally there is no reason for me to leave
any advice?

Annasopra

Moved from lgbt to relationship issues forum

StillWaters

annon2012 wrote: »

going to go non for this
2 weeks go i was out with my now exwife and her sis , the 3 of us always get on well
anyway after about an hour she told me that she had told me tht she told her sister that i was bisexual, which i had revealed to my wife about 2 years earlier, i was kinda shocked and as the night wore on i became more and
more annoyed with her to the point where i made it quiet clear that i was adamant that this is something only i should be revealing to people.
to me there is nothing more personal to someone than their sexuality
i decided to go home and leave here in the company of her brother who had arrived
she was staying in her mothers that night so i had time to cool off by morning, but i still felt as betrayed, i gave her the silent treeatment for bout a day until i flound out she texted a mutual friend to say tht i told her sister and brother i was gay!
i went balistic when i found this out and we both had a sreaming mtch where she told me to get the f**k out of her house you gay ****!
what complicates this is the fact the house is a family house and we have 4 kids under 12
she has been using the kids as a weapon against me and naturally they levitate towards their mom, i for one will not start using the kids as a way to get at her as she is obviously doing
today she has told me she is going to a solicitor to get a barring order against me
throughout all of this i hve never called her names, slagged her off to the kids or asked her for anything

i know the marriage is over, i'm actually relieved at that, but i intend to stay around to be with my kids, but unless i have threatened her physically or verbally there is no reason for me to leave
any advice?

There are so many issues here. I'm presuming your sexuality was a factor in the marriage breakup, in which case, it is reasonable that this was discussed with her sister. Are you both still living in the family home Irish divorce style? This is not sustainable OP, is a tinder box waiting ignition, which sounds like what happened. I really think you both would benefit from mediation, the current situation is not good for the children involved.

desbrook

StillWaters wrote: »

There are so many issues here. I'm presuming your sexuality was a factor in the marriage breakup, in which case, it is reasonable that this was discussed with her sister. Are you both still living in the family home Irish divorce style? This is not sustainable OP, is a tinder box waiting ignition, which sounds like what happened. I really think you both would benefit from mediation, the current situation is not good for the children involved.

Just on the sexuality side - you kept your sexuality secret for most of your marraige which in itself was a huge betrayal . She has every right be open about it - it is affecting every part of her life right now . You must be very selfish if you can't see the hurt YOUR betrayal has caused.

annon2012

desbrook wrote: »

Just on the sexuality side - you kept your sexuality secret for most of your marraige which in itself was a huge betrayal . She has every right be open about it - it is affecting every part of her life right now . You must be very selfish if you can't see the hurt YOUR betrayal has caused.

i have to disagree here, cos i told her i accepted tht i was bisexual, i have never been with a guy but i have felt an attraction to men, even though i have never acted on it and have no intention of doing so
in fact she has often said that she was bicurious which kind makes us the same
i fail to see how i have betrayed anyone by admitting my sexuality to the person you have trusted the most in your life
the bottom line is that it was not her place to reveal anybodies sexuality apart from here own

it only got messy when she decided to seek revenge of sorts and began slandering my name to anyone who would listen

annon2012

StillWaters wrote: »

There are so many issues here. I'm presuming your sexuality was a factor in the marriage breakup, in which case, it is reasonable that this was discussed with her sister. Are you both still living in the family home Irish divorce style? This is not sustainable OP, is a tinder box waiting ignition, which sounds like what happened. I really think you both would benefit from mediation, the current situation is not good for the children involved.

my sexuality was never a factor in the marriage breakdown, in fact our sex life was pretty good,
i have done nothing wrong here so i feel that apart from wanting to be with my kids why is it always the dad who has to move out?

emsie80

if your sexuality wasnt a factor in the marraige breakdown, what was?

sffc

Just to be clear - did your wife know the full story of your sexuality before you got married?

floggg

The fact that the OP us bisexual doesn't mean he loved his wife any less or wasn't genuine in his feelings for her.

He had attractions for men but never acted on them. So what?

If he was straight he'd have attractions to other women but as long as he didn't do anything about it he'd be good.

If he was gay, that would be a different story.

But hes not though, hes bisexual. Theres a big difference. if he genuinely loved her then he didn't betray anything.

I don't really know anything about the custody/separation bit, but I imagine it would be an abuse of process for her to seek a barring order without grounds - especially if its to prevent you from bring involved in your kids life.

You'd need to talk to a family law solicitor or even free legal advice centre though if if comes to that.

ash23

OP when this fight happened, were the two of you still together? I can't figure out from your post if she was your ex before the fight or if the fight is now what has caused you to split up.

Could you clarify?

cafecolour

Get a solicitor ASAP.

desbrook

floggg wrote: »

The fact that the OP us bisexual doesn't mean he loved his wife any less or wasn't genuine in his feelings for her.

He had attractions for men but never acted on them. So what?

If he was straight he'd have attractions to other women but as long as he didn't do anything about it he'd be good.

If he was gay, that would be a different story.

But hes not though, hes bisexual. Theres a big difference. if he genuinely loved her then he didn't betray anything.

I don't really know anything about the custody/separation bit, but I imagine it would be an abuse of process for her to seek a barring order without grounds - especially if its to prevent you from bring involved in your kids life.

You'd need to talk to a family law solicitor or even free legal advice centre though if if comes to that.

The fact that a person doesn't reveal that they are bisexual to their partner before they marry is a betrayal for a few different reasons . Frankly I'm amazed I need to spell them out !

Firstly the partner will always have in the back of their mind what else wasn't revealed ?

Secondly the defense "I never acted on it" can itself be difficult for the partner . The fear for them is "it's only a matter of time " of "how novel gaysex must seem compared to boring "done it a 1000 times "straight sex with me "

Thirdly , rightly or wrongly a fair percentage of people don't really believe bisexuality exists - for various reasons . The main one being that bisexuals are just "gay people in denial ". The partner feels like a cover so the other can "blend in "

Even if the truth is known before marriage the above issues still arise to an extent . When things are great they hide but in times of difficulty they can undermine the relationship . In short sexuality is a personal matter in an interview room or playing golf but the person you want to marry or form a serious relationship with has a right to know .

Annasopra

desbrook wrote: »

The fact that a person doesn't reveal that they are bisexual to their partner before they marry is a betrayal for a few different reasons . Frankly I'm amazed I need to spell them out !

Firstly the partner will always have in the back of their mind what else wasn't revealed ?

Secondly the defense "I never acted on it" can itself be difficult for the partner . The fear for them is "it's only a matter of time " of "how novel gaysex must seem compared to boring "done it a 1000 times "straight sex with me "

Thirdly , rightly or wrongly a fair percentage of people don't really believe bisexuality exists - for various reasons . The main one being that bisexuals are just "gay people in denial ". The partner feels like a cover so the other can "blend in "

Even if the truth is known before marriage the above issues still arise to an extent . When things are great they hide but in times of difficulty they can undermine the relationship . In short sexuality is a personal matter in an interview room or playing golf but the person you want to marry or form a serious relationship with has a right to know .

Frankly I'm amazed that you are being incredibly judgemental of the OP and others. I thought this place was for support not judgement.

I don't see any betrayal here at all and frankly your attitude that there was a betrayal is not helpful to the OP.

ashers22

You may feel your sexuality wasn't a factor in your marriage breakdown but unfortunately your wife appears to have an issue with it.
I'm not straight, my family know, my friends know and any potential partners would obviously have to be aware of my orientation. (or they wouldn't be potentials!) Disclosure of the facts prior to marriage would have given your wife to be infornation that was as relevant to her as to you and neccessary to her decision making. With the full facts, she may still have married you but at least she would have done so with a clear conscience and with full knowledge about her partner to be. Omitting that information til afterward may have forced her into accepting a situation she obviously doesn't feel comfortable with and over time began to gnaw away at her.
Confiding in her sister appeared to be an act of releasing the burden, maybe she felt she just needed someone to talk to. Expecting her to remain tightlipped about something which obviously affected her is an act of supression and not healthy for all involved. Fair enough, it may have been wiser to seek counselling to deal with the issue but it looks like you both bit the bullet before that opportunity presented itself.

Maybe your wife will seek help after the fact anyway and aid her to form a better relationship with you for you and your childrens sake in the future.

lazorgirl

OP, you seem to be in a difficult position right now.
as some people realise, our sexuality is fluid,not fixed and does shift and change. you have been honest with your self and your wife regarding your sexuality as you mention telling your wife about it 2 years ago. i can understand that you only wanted to share this aspect of your self with other people on your own terms but equally your partner hasn't told any one about it in 2 years, so there must have been some acceptance on her part or perhaps she has just been struggling a bit to redefine her relationship with you.
if your relationship with her is loving, important and valuable to you and if you can ascertain that your wife feels her relationship with you is still loving, important and valuable, then perhaps suggesting both of you explore some relationship counselling to gain some support and outside perspective on this and other issues may help.
personally in relation to disclosing your sexuality preferences prior to marriage as being some sort of betrayal, i really don't agree as we all develop and change in and out of our relationships over time. or perhaps when people get married they shut down the notion of ever being attracted to any person, of any gender, again.....