Problem with Mother

LegacyUser

Hi regular user going unreged for this.

I don't really know where to begin but the basic problem is that I hate my mother. When I was growing up my mother constantly put be down nothing I did was good enough, none of my friends were good enough for me to be friends with. She sent me to a school outside the parish because she didn't want me associating with the local kids. Now this may not sould like a big problem but when all your neighbours are playing together and talking about things that happened in school its hard.

Fast forward a few years I went to university, graduated, got a job, bought a house the ususal stuff and all through this she would get her little digs and put downs in but it never bothered me becuase I only had to see her a couple of times a year. On the flip side I had a great relationship with my dad we watched/went to matches together, would go for a drink together, I would see my father at least once a week.

So two years ago my dad died after a short illness. I knew he only had a short time to live but he made me promise not to tell my mother or the rest of the family as he didn't want people sitting around crying or making a fuss of him. I was with him when he died. While my dad was in hospital my mother stayed with me, they had moved out of the area long before and obviously I couldn't let her say in a hotel. So after funeral my mother stayed on as there was stuff to sort out. I went back to work and got on with my life but I didn't push her on when she was moving back to her home. Eventually she resorted to type and the digs started - that top doesn't suit you, you're roots need doing. She even started complaining about the food I bought (not her usual brand) and my friends coming around my house. So I told her it was time to move back to her own place and she told me she couldn't because she had leased the house out on a 3 year lease and couldn't break it.

How I didn't throttle her that day I don't know. She rarely leaves my home, once a week she goes out to buy cigarettes. My friends hate coming round to the house now because she is always there and they don't feel comfortable. The minute I come in the door from work she is in my face - why were you later today then yesterday/are you going out again tonight you've been out 3 nights this week aready, some nights I go to bed and cry myself to sleep. On more then one occassion I have wished she had died instead of my dad.

I just don't know what to do, if there is anything I can do. Sometimes I get so frustrated and angry with her I have to leave the house and go for a walk because I'm afraid I'll hit her or worse. I'm just at the end of my last nerve now. I'm an only child so I can't dump her on any brothers or sisters.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

3DataModem

There is no way of addressing this other than telling her she has to go. She has rent income and she can rent another place.

If you are looking for another option there isn't one short of moving out yourself.

CarMe

Oh I would definitely sit her down and tell her she has to leave!
Did she really can't let her home out on c three year lease?? Id be sceptical about that?
Either way though you need to live a happy life so prepare yourself tonight, sit her down tomorrow and give her a timeframe that she has to leave by.

edellc

So right you have three opinions as I see it

1. leave things as they are

2. ask her to leave

3. sit her down and speak to her about the way she is speaking to you, she may not even be aware of it...and from your post it doesnt sound like you have ever confronted this issue head on. Your a adult now and only you are responsible for your life and how you let people treat you that includes your mother, so sit down and speak to her and see where you go from there

Also OP I have never ever in my years of renting heard of someone signing up to a three year lease, it sounds odd. So if I where you I would pay a visit to the family home and see if tenants are actually living there and if they are have a chat to them about said lease. I think on boards things can sometimes come off as very black and white when in reality there are also grey areas, and the fact your dad died and your mother is living with you with some lame ass excuse as to why she can not return home, shouts grey area to me. I definitely think she may be telling lies but for good reason as she may feel very vulnerable about returning to their home without him...this by no means excuses the way she speaks to you as that seems to be an ongoing thing but it may explain possible porkies and her fear of living in her marital home without your dad. So do try and rise above her harsh words and behave in a way your father would want you to behave towards his wife.

Best of luck with it all OP

Calibos

Someone else will correct me if I'm wrong but afaik there is only one way for a landlord to break a lease and that's if they themselves or a family member want to move back into the house. So legally there is nothing to stop her moving back to her own house after she gives the tenants the required notice.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies. I have spoken to her numerous times and told her/asked her to leave but she refuses to leave, she says it is my job to look after her now that my dad is gone. I wish it was just as easy as telling her she had to leave and she would go but she is an incredibly stubborn women. I've looked in to sheltered housing or care homes for her but she doesn't think she should "have to spend her money of one of those places". She know exactly how I feel about her I've told her on more then one occassion over the last 20 years. She is 76 years old so its not like I can manhandle her out of the house.

tony81

Calibos wrote: »

Someone else will correct me if I'm wrong but afaik there is only one way for a landlord to break a lease and that's if they themselves or a family member want to move back into the house. So legally there is nothing to stop her moving back to her own house after she gives the tenants the required notice.

Afaik this is correct, not to mention leases often have an out clause. More than likely op's mother is telling fibs.

Plus the lease money she receives could get her a cosy one-bed or house share.

Op, Time to show mumsy the door. She is taking advantage. It's hard to put a deadline when xmas is so close because you might be tempted to leave it til the dust settles after xmas... it's not fair on you as I'm sure you intend to use the xmas break to enjoy your house and have friends over.

Perhaps you should take a trip to a local est agent, get a list of suitable properties and tactfully show them to your mother, explaining you pay good money for your own space.

looksee

ProblemwithMother wrote: »

OP here, thanks for the replies. I have spoken to her numerous times and told her/asked her to leave but she refuses to leave, she says it is my job to look after her now that my dad is gone. I wish it was just as easy as telling her she had to leave and she would go but she is an incredibly stubborn women. I've looked in to sheltered housing or care homes for her but she doesn't think she should "have to spend her money of one of those places". She know exactly how I feel about her I've told her on more then one occassion over the last 20 years. She is 76 years old so its not like I can manhandle her out of the house.

Surely your own lease will soon be up and you will have to move somewhere smaller as you can't afford a place big enough for both of you....or your lease doesn't allow for a second person to live there, could the 'landlord' not call and tell you this?

She doesn't have to go far away, you could keep in touch and call in while still having your space to yourself.

edellc

I thought there was more too it OP, and really all the comments of kick her out are just plain horrible sure if we all did that when someone had a vicious tongue then nearly every teenager in the country would need to be looked after by the state, its all swings in roundabouts

However this is now and yes at 76yrs old it is hard for you to man handle her out of the house.

Unfortunately this is a very delicate situation and I would suggest baby steps to get it right...firstly do look into nursing homes, see what is out there, prices, what they offer and so on...and I think a trip to one with your mother to let her see they are not all as we read in the news.

Secondly do you have siblings, aunts/uncles and friends of your mother, if so enlist them to help out with persuading her to seek some form of independence from you as she seems to be quite clingy which is understandable but none the less tiresome on you.

Do check out the situation with the family home this is vital as if she is telling fibs then there is every possibility you could get home help in (there are lots of companies who offer help to the aged at home) to assist with what she needs on a daily basis, she also needs to visit the house and come to terms that her husband is not coming home...I'm sure she is probably grieving for him...so possibly look into some form of bereavement counselling, if she is with a church they can be really good at offering help with these things

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/death/bereavement_counselling_and_support/bereavement_counselling_andsupport_services.html

I also think you need to have another sit down with her and tell her the situation isnt working for you and that this situation was never long term so a decision has to be made...probably not best to do it this side of christmas as that is just not a nice thing to do to be honest...but she has two choices..either return home with home help in place or a nursing home, as I dont see any other choices available to her

Best of luck with it op

looksee wrote: »

Surely your own lease will soon be up and you will have to move somewhere smaller as you can't afford a place big enough for both of you....or your lease doesn't allow for a second person to live there, could the 'landlord' not call and tell you this?

The OP bought a house so a lease is a non issue

Castor Oil

Your story makes me pretty angry OP. I have huge sympathy for you. I would suggest getting professional or medical help with getting her out of your home. Perhaps call a trusted GP or counsellor for a chat? You'll go insane if you don't. Your mother sounds manipulative, controlling and frankly, a little scary. She has no respect for you, your life or any boundaries. I wish you all the best.