Need guidance

LegacyUser

Unreg'd regular.

My life's going nowhere and I feel powerless to change it. I'm male and 31, I have no formal qualifications or a trade or anything of that nature. I simply drifted after school but made the most of the jobs I had. My biggest regret was not making it to third level after school. Only now do I feel I've missed out on all the social and career potential. I've been through my share of problems over the years. Depression and obesity being the biggest ones but generally speaking, I consider myself through it and better for it. I've never been so trim and although I know I'll never be high on anyone's list of hunks, people do tell me how well I look these days.

I worked for my dad for the last couple of years until I decided I needed a change so I moved Down Under last year on my own where I was working and travelling. It was a major step for me. Unfortunately, I had an accident and nearly lost my arm last Summer. I came home financially and physically broke and in need of serious medical care. I've been on illness benefit and living at home since. This in itself is far from ideal. Dad's construction based company went bust since I've been home. As my health has improved, I've been helping him secure his financial future seeing as he hasn't any savings or a pension and no cash in the bank whatsoever. I'm of limited use to him now and it goes without saying that resuming my old job or being able to resume my travels is out of the question mainly for financial reasons. The incident changed my perspective on life in lots of ways. Mainly for the good, but it has brought some of my regrets to the fore.

However, the biggest single source of pain has been lifelong loneliness. I've had virtually no female contact my whole life. You wouldn't think it to look at me but I bat right down there with the real oddballs of this world. I've had the very occasional bit of interest from women here and there but the attraction has never been there for me or a serious clash of values has been a theme too.

I've increasingly put myself out there and I feel like my chances have never been higher but I still find myself constantly having to 'deal with' my loneliness. I think I always have dealt with it well enough but it just seems like this insurmountable affliction. I've tried networking, online dating, I've confronted a couple of long term crushes but I can't even remember the last time I kissed a girl. If you gave me one wish, I wouldn't hesitate to say to find a life companion would be it. My choice of friends has always been about quality over quantity. I feel like this compulsion that life is for sharing is just something in my core that will never go away no matter how much I coach myself. I'm a giver and a carer and I just want to find someone who wants what I have to offer. It goes without saying that neediness is deeply unattractive but trust me, I'm not that guy. TBH, I wonder if the fact that I've been so single and so desperate simultaneously is a good or bad thing? It's not about 'standards' if you've never had a chance to get out there.

So here I am. 31, single, broke, lonely, living at home, flat on my arse after upping and leaving last year, still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I don't have the financial stability to think about full time education and I can't be finishing a degree in my mid thirties and living at home. I can't believe I can still be happy even if I got the career stuff sorted. It just seems pointless if I'm going to be dying of loneliness. I just feel like I'm at a crossroads where there are no happy outcomes and life has been feeling so pointless since I got home...

will.i.am

Why not consider doing a night course if it was only a computer course or the ECDL or something that interested you. The course might only be for one night a week but it would get you out of the house and you''d get to meet new people and if things goes well you never know what might happen.
If you are feeling depressed your should go to see your GP or maybe phone a helpline just to talk to someone!

edellc

Do a night course by all means however if its a course to further a career I doubt you'll meet your life partner there, but if its a fun course then you may connect with someone.

I do think that you need to lower your expectations of women, I get you want to find miss right but your not going to do that on a first attempt so don't expect too much and take it slowly.

As for where you meet these people with lower standards than your norm, I think that is the million pound question tbh especially here in boards.

However what I suggest is you compile a list of your interests and get on the internet to see if there are any clubs that cater for these interests in your area...I also recommend a dating agency yes it seems cliche but so many people reach your age and realise that they don't have that special person beside them, so dont feel embarrassed.

And most importantly don't be desperate op women smell it...you have to be happy being just you because if your not you will never make someone else happy.

username123

I have noticed as I get older that any friends I have who are in your position OP (in terms of lack of female contact all their lives), often have this idea of the perfect woman on a pedestal and no real life woman can ever come close. Its almost as though its an excuse not to get with someone, oh, she smokes/drinks/eats peanuts/has red hair/is too successful/has different values/is a different religion/likes football whatever...... Then its a self fulfilling prophecy that you never meet anyone you like - because it would be impossible to meet the 'perfect' woman like that.

I believe always concentrating on what you dont want is a big roadblock. Its far more important to get out there, meet people, have dates, have kisses, stop worrying that this person has some quality you dont like, people change, your perception of things change, no one is saying you have to marry the first girl you date anyway.

But no woman, perfect or otherwise, is going to walk up to your front door and ask you out - you need to get out and meet people.

On education - why not do distance learning? I am finishing a degree next may - all done through distance learning, and Im much older than you. Education can happen at any age and in many ways.

looksee

It will be the time of year in a month or so to start applying for PLC courses - Fetac training. There is a Fetac/PLC forum over in Edu, have a look, follow some of the links and see what you think.

People of all ages do these courses, and mature students - which is what you would be so your LC doesn't matter - are generally welcomed onto courses as they tend to do well.

Give it a go, apply, then if by next September something has come up and you have a job, well you can always decline it. It could well lead you into third level too, but if you have that in mind do a bit of research on how the system works, some courses lead more naturally into third level than others.

Specifically looking for a partner is not really the best approach, Sort your life and put yourself out there, then you can see what possibilities there are.

Pippy1976

whatsthepointinanything wrote: »

I can't be finishing a degree in my mid thirties and living at home.

Huh? Why can't you? I did... and there's nothing wrong with it. There were people in my class ALOT older than me too - 40's ++.

Never too late to study. [if that's what you want to do]

LegacyUser

Thanks for the helpful replies.

will.i.am wrote: »

If you are feeling depressed your should go to see your GP or maybe phone a helpline just to talk to someone!

I feel I'm not this far gone. I'm just hoping that if I can find the motivation to make changes that actually work, I can turn it all around. That's how I've always felt. I suppose I'm just frustrated that I've been through so much and done so much to improve my life but I'm in disbelief that I'm still in the same place after making so many changes.

will.i.am wrote: »

Why not consider doing a night course if it was only a computer course or the ECDL or something that interested you. The course might only be for one night a week but it would get you out of the house and you''d get to meet new people and if things goes well you never know what might happen.

edellc wrote: »

Do a night course by all means however if its a course to further a career I doubt you'll meet your life partner there, but if its a fun course then you may connect with someone.

looksee wrote: »

It will be the time of year in a month or so to start applying for PLC courses - Fetac training. There is a Fetac/PLC forum over in Edu, have a look, follow some of the links and see what you think.

People of all ages do these courses, and mature students - which is what you would be so your LC doesn't matter - are generally welcomed onto courses as they tend to do well.

Give it a go, apply, then if by next September something has come up and you have a job, well you can always decline it. It could well lead you into third level too, but if you have that in mind do a bit of research on how the system works, some courses lead more naturally into third level than others.

username123 wrote: »

On education - why not do distance learning? I am finishing a degree next may - all done through distance learning, and Im much older than you. Education can happen at any age and in many ways.

I think I have been reflecting on my situation and I've taken on board what you've been saying. I have been looking into courses that are out there that compliment my previous work experience and I've been very pleasantly surprised. This in itself has made me feel better about what turns out is a legitimate 'career'. I suppose I needed the kick up the behind to go and do some research rather than assuming it's a lost cause.

username123 wrote: »

I have noticed as I get older that any friends I have who are in your position OP (in terms of lack of female contact all their lives), often have this idea of the perfect woman on a pedestal and no real life woman can ever come close. Its almost as though its an excuse not to get with someone, oh, she smokes/drinks/eats peanuts/has red hair/is too successful/has different values/is a different religion/likes football whatever...... Then its a self fulfilling prophecy that you never meet anyone you like - because it would be impossible to meet the 'perfect' woman like that.

But no woman, perfect or otherwise, is going to walk up to your front door and ask you out - you need to get out and meet people.

edellc wrote: »

I do think that you need to lower your expectations of women, I get you want to find miss right but your not going to do that on a first attempt so don't expect too much and take it slowly. As for where you meet these people with lower standards than your norm, I think that is the million pound question tbh especially here in boards. And most importantly don't be desperate op women smell it...you have to be happy being just you because if your not you will never make someone else happy.

I accept what you're saying but I can say I'm not that guy. I meet and like all kinds of women that just seem to walk straight out of my life. If that doesn't happen, there's just inevitably something in the way. I have often laughed at the variety of circumstances that have conspired to keep women out of my life. It's like a very bad sitcom.

edellc wrote: »

However what I suggest is you compile a list of your interests and get on the internet to see if there are any clubs that cater for these interests in your area...I also recommend a dating agency yes it seems cliche but so many people reach your age and realise that they don't have that special person beside them, so dont feel embarrassed.

looksee wrote: »

Specifically looking for a partner is not really the best approach, Sort your life and put yourself out there, then you can see what possibilities there are.

username123 wrote: »

I believe always concentrating on what you dont want is a big roadblock. Its far more important to get out there, meet people, have dates, have kisses, stop worrying that this person has some quality you dont like, people change, your perception of things change, no one is saying you have to marry the first girl you date anyway.

It's this that really knots up my stomach. I've really done so much to try to change this aspect of my life. I know how to conduct myself with women but they've just never seen me in a romantic light. I do so much with such little outcome, good bad or indifferent that I just feel my mental health will suffer further if I carry on like this. I get so much appreciation from female friends in relationships and they fuss over me and say things like 'oh you're so lovely-why don't you find yourself a nice girl' and so on but I just can't explain why dating is just something that other people do. Part of me thinks I must keep on trying new things and not give in but a big part of me thinks all the signs strongly point to finding a way of giving up completely and focusing on trying to build a life alone. It seems that having any kind of strong thoughts about my <lack of> love life is just another waste of energy. Ho-hum...

RossFixxxed

Just a couple of things:

1) What do you mean by "attraction has never been there for me or a serious clash of values has been a theme too"?

2) You seem DETERMINED that things will stay bad. You may not realise but you are partly creating a self fulfilling prophecy. The tone of your posts isn't just negative, or defeated it is ACTIVELY attached to failure.

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Just a couple of things:

1) What do you mean by "attraction has never been there for me or a serious clash of values has been a theme too"?

2) You seem DETERMINED that things will stay bad. You may not realise but you are partly creating a self fulfilling prophecy. The tone of your posts isn't just negative, or defeated it is ACTIVELY attached to failure.

2)
Not to be argumentative but I turned my life on it's head. I changed everything. I left the country on my own and kicked the siht out of my comfort zone. I was pursuing an altogether new and improved life abroad until Kapow! here I am again like I was never gone. I suppose I feel like having escaped, my old life has recaptured me. A little frustration is pretty reasonable as I stand here today, surely.

1)
On a small number of occasions, I have had interest from women but I just don't have any physical attraction. I'm talking about not liking the colour of her hair or a slight squint or a lisp. I'm talking about just flat out no attraction. For me, physical attraction is secondary but there has to be something there.

As regards the values issue; apart from occasional crisis, few would disagree I'm quite a stable person with my head screwed on. I'm respectful to people and keeping peace and avoiding intrigue is always a worthwhile investment in my opinion. We all know people who seem to bring drama with them wherever they go. I won't let anyone into my life who will bring drama with them. Life is supposed to be peaceful.

RossFixxxed

Hey thanks for the reply, just to make it clear I'm not attacking you. I more than understand where you are coming from and I've been there myself. I just want to shake you up on this issue.

Things have flipped out on you and you would be unusual were you completely calm and cool with it. However, the single biggest shift that seems to have happended you (and keep in mind I don't know you) is the attitude of it will never get better. It will!

I'm curious why you're not attracted to any of the women, and why all of them clash with your values? Are you attracted to anyone else? Does anyone share your values, how much compromise would you be willing to make? Nobody likes a drama queen, but some drama is inherent to life. I'm only digging the details into the light here so we can have a look at them.

I can only recommend getting out there with friends, meeting some women to just chat to and hang out with. See if any attraction GROWS (it's not always something that just jumps out and smacks you in the face), at worst you may just end up with some cool new female friends who will help out!

username123

RossFixxxed wrote: »

See if any attraction GROWS (it's not always something that just jumps out and smacks you in the face), at worst you may just end up with some cool new female friends who will help out!

Totally agree with this. I met my now husband when I was a teenager (over 20 years ago) and he fancied me and I couldnt run away from him fast enough!!! But we did become friends and attraction grew from there.

castaway_lady

Ok Im the last person in the universe to give advice on finding a partner....so I wont even try that one.

Career wise, how functional physically are you now with the arm injury? You said you're a carer and giver...have you ever considered a career as a healthcare assistant? You could do a further education course that lasts from Sept to April for a fetac level 5 award and there is a lot of work around in the area for the right people.

p.s. lots and lots of women in these courses of all ages...who would be "stuck" in a classroom with you for 8 months...couldn't run away.

Food for thought? You may not have done the college thing at 18 but it is SO far from too late, a HUGE proportion of people are college bound for the first time or retraining in their 30s and 40s now and loving the experience at that stage and so often getting much more out of it than they would have done in their teens, 20s.