How to deal with sexual assault

LegacyUser

When I was 12 or 13 my father came up behind me and groped my breasts. I tore away from him and he didn't try it again. I didn't know how to deal with it so I put it out of my mind, but I made sure my younger sister was never alone with him until she was sixteen or so. Ever since my early teens I have had many emotional issues, such as extreme anger and stress, to the extent that I made myself ill.

My father was a bully and an emotional abuser which would explain a lot of this even if the assault had not occurred. However, I am still very afraid of him and of people in general, especially men. I haven't been able to have functional relationships. Because I was too afraid to direct my anger at him, I blamed my mother for not protecting us from him. She did ask me once if he had ever done anything to me. I said no because I too ashamed to say what he had done.

Since I remembered this incident again a few years ago, I have had the feeling that this incident might not have been an isolated one, and I am afraid he might have done the same or much worse to other members of the family. The reason I was reluctant to pursue this was that there is no actual evidence of this and I was afraid I might be jumping on this as an easy explanation for my issues, and frankly I am afraid to open a can of worms. However, I know I have to face it now or things will just get worse instead of better. I just don't know how to deal with what happened in my own head, and I'd like to know that it makes some kind of sense to someone.

looksee

You cannot deal with what he might or might not have done to other members of the family so do not hassle yourself about that. However you do need to deal with what happened, and what might have happened to you, and for that you need much more help than an internet site can offer.

You have made the first step in recognising that you have issues to sort out, You need professional help to decide what the cause of those issues might have been. Don't try to deal with proof or recriminations for now, it is more important that you understand yourself, go to your GP and ask for help in finding a therapist or counsellor. I can only offer you very best wishes for finding some peace and understanding.

up for anything

Looksee makes very good points, but in my opinion I do think that you should speak to your mother (Are they still married and living together?) about it in light of the fact that she did ask you once whether he had done anything to you. She must have had her suspicions or maybe another family member said something to her.

We had an great-uncle in our family who was a molester. He touched me when I was about 8/9 and I made sure never to be alone with him again but I never told anyone. He did much the same to my younger sister some years later and she in her turn never told anyone about him and protected herself against being alone with him. However, he raped our cousin, who was between us in age, for years - she never told anyone and was not in a position to protect herself against him in the way that we were able to. I feel guilty now because if I had spoken up he may have been stopped before he touched them in any way. God knows how many other children he abused in his unfortunately long life. I think it is important that you both get some sort of understanding for yourself but that if you can that you make sure no one else is getting hurt.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you are your sister are out of the woods.

My dad make several vague sexual references towards me when I was young. the worst physical abuse was him putting his (false) teeth around my ear after a fairly tame row, and blaming me. Sexual??? whose to say what he was thinking..

Long story short, it's a case of domination and probably child abuse. I still don't know how to deal with this. The best option is probably to keep a close eye on such a person and make sure they're not given the opportunity in future.

P. Breathnach

It's unlikely that you can deal with this on your own. You already know that the effects of such things can be very profound.

I'll stay out of the difference of opinion between looksee and up_for_anything on the basis that I don't know enough to take a view on what is best (for you and for the others in your family).

I think you need the assistance of a specialist counsellor.

looksee

up for anything wrote: »

Looksee makes very good points, but in my opinion I do think that you should speak to your mother (Are they still married and living together?) about it in light of the fact that she did ask you once whether he had done anything to you. She must have had her suspicions or maybe another family member said something to her.

I have the impression from the OP that most of this is well in the past, that she is not sure of her memories, that she does not have a good relationship with her mother and that she protected her sister.

She may well decide to speak to her mother, maybe it is the right thing to do, but I am suggesting that she needs to clarify her own thoughts and get professional help before 'opening the can of worms' that she mentioned. This happened many years ago, at this stage another 6 or 12 months is not likely to make a lot of difference.

midlandsmissus

You could try https://twitter.com/healingireland

Morag

Rape crises centers deal with people who have been sexually assaulted, both as adults and as children. They are spread across the country, please get proper professional help.

http://www.rcni.ie/rape-crisis-centres.aspx

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks so much for all your replies. They are helping me to separate the issues in my head.

My parents have been separated since I was fairly young so I think anything else that may have happened would have been while he was still living in the house. I told my mother about what happened three or four years ago shortly after I remembered it and oddly, given what she had asked me before, she seemed to think it was a one-off. Possibly denial, but he liked to punish us in various underhand ways as a means of punishing her, so it makes some sort of "sense" in terms of his modus operandi.

I'm not sure if he has access to his nephews and nieces and so on, but I will raise it with someone who has experience in this kind of thing.

up for anything, I'm sorry for what happened to you, but thank you for sharing it with me. It helps to hear your point of view.

midlandsmissus, thank you for the link.

I will get a referral to a specialist counsellor. Thanks again for your views, being more sure of my ground makes me feel less powerless in relation to the process of dealing with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks Sharrow for the link also.