I only see my girlfriend once a month

cruder

Hi all thanks for taking the time to read this,
I met my girlfriend through a phone text dating site and chatted to her for over a year before we actually met and started dating. Now we are a couple for over 4 years, the problem is that she lives 100 miles away from me and we only see eachother once a month and have even gone over 3 months apart before.
I have told her on numerous occasions that its about time we moved in together and took the next step in the relationship and she agrees but nothing seems to happen.
I really love this woman and am sure she loves me but think I have to end the relationship to move on with my life or to give her the ultimatum that might motivate her to take the next step with me.

Any thoughts and advice more than welcome, thanks

jordainius

cruder wrote: »

Hi all thanks for taking the time to read this,
I met my girlfriend through a phone text dating site and chatted to her for over a year before we actually met and started dating. Now we are a couple for over 4 years, the problem is that she lives 100 miles away from me and we only see eachother once a month and have even gone over 3 months apart before.
I have told her on numerous occasions that its about time we moved in together and took the next step in the relationship and she agrees but nothing seems to happen.
I really love this woman and am sure she loves me but think I have to end the relationship to move on with my life or to give her the ultimatum that might motivate her to take the next step with me.

Any thoughts and advice more than welcome, thanks

Where are you both from? 100 miles is not really that much if you're both in the same country, I believe you could easily see each other much more regularly than that!

You say she agrees with you on the moving in yet nothing seems to happen- why exactly is that?

I'm not a fan of giving ultimatums but you certainly both need to sit down together face to face and have a serious discussion about the moving in and your future. And do so with the intention of having a concrete plan in place by the end of the conversation. (Might take a few conversations.)

If after that nothing looks like happening, then its probably ultimatum time.

cruder

Im from kildare and shes from tipperary, yes I we need a serious chat. To be honest we used to chat on the phone all the time but the last 6 months things havent been the same, I am a fairly straight talking guy when it comes to things like this and always ask her is she happy with me and she says yes and says she loves me and wants us to live together eventually.
Shes coming up this weekend so will have to sit down with her and straighten things out. I find it very frustrating with the distance between us because when a couple of weeks have gone by without seeing her I get paranoid of what she is doing.

desbrook

Lets call a spade a spade - you both want and have wanted very different things for a long time now . My gut feeling (going on what you have written) is that she is essentially single in her mind and shes actually happy enough with that . I'm not going to speculate on whether there is someone else but I wouldn't rule it out .
You don't say how often you call /text each other these days . Here's the thing - lets say you called her tomorrow and went over your feelings a little with her . Let's say you finished the conversation by saying "I'll need to think about things" . Let's say you didn't call her the following day , week , etc .

Would she call you ?

I have my doubts . Try it .

djimi

4 years is a long time to see your partner once a month at best and call it a relationship. You need to speak to her about this and sort it out asap. You cannot get to know someone properly with so little face to face contact (even after such a long time) and this kind of arrangement cannot go on indefinately. A year would be a long time to go with only seeing your partner once a month.

mood

I have a friend who lives OVER 100 miles from her boyfriend and they spend almost very weekend together. What is stopping you from doing the same? Regarding moving in together who is going to relocate? Have you discussed this?

__oc__

myself and my partner have been together nearly 3 years and for the first 2 years we were 196 miles exactly apart (thanks to google maps) we sat down after a year of dating to discuss what we wanted from the relationship. decided that we would take turns every week to do the journey we both couldnt go longer than 3 weeks without the other...it looks like you two just need to sit down and have a serious chat...as hard as that may be it will be worth it in the long run...for both of you.
i wish you the best of luck as 4 years is a long time to only be seeing someone once a month.

cruder

Thanks for the replies guys, we really do love eachother and just need to sit down and have in depth discussion about what we want out of it, we are both in our mid 30's and want to give it a proper go and have a child aswel so i hope things work out well.

mood

cruder wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys, we really do love eachother and just need to sit down and have in depth discussion about what we want out of it, we are both in our mid 30's and want to give it a proper go and have a child aswel so i hope things work out well.

But what has stopped you having this serious chat before now? Why could you not have taken it in turns to travel to spend the weekend with each other? My friend and their OH have been doing this for 3 years. They rarely go a weekend without seeing each other and there is more distance involved. The fact that you have not been doing this is very worrying. You have not said anything about commitments keeping you both busy at weekends so I am assuming there are none.

LegacyUser

100 miles nowadays is very little considering this distance is quite likely to be commuted everyday ...

I was in this situation years ago when dating my boyfriend. We would meet every weekeend, either he's come down or I'd go up and this lasted 3 years.

If you haven't done that in 4 years ... I don't know if this relationship is a real one ...

At this stage, and if the relationship is working, one of you should move.

Best of luck.
V

Faith

I can't get my head around that. My OH and I lived nearly 100 miles apart for years and saw each other every weekend, Friday to Sunday. For a year, we lived 500 miles apart, in different countries, and still saw each other more frequently than you!

That's what need to be addressed first, and it's a point you've failed to answer several times now. WHY are you only seeing each other once a month when you're 2ish hours apart?

Lorna123

Action speaks louder than words here my friend. You can talk about this until the cows come home but you need to take action.

mood

Lorna123 wrote: »

Action speaks louder than words here my friend. You can talk about this until the cows come home but you need to take action.

It sounds like they never talked about it properly so this really need to be done if the relationship has any future. However, I agree action needs to be taken and things need to change. I would be very unhappy in a relationship like this.

Stavro Mueller

OP, I wonder are you living a lot of this relationship in your head? You didn't meet for a year, at one stage went 3 months without seeing each other and even now you're only meeting once a month. Leaving aside the once a month and the reasons for that, going from that sort of dating to moving in together is a big ask IMHO. Most couples move in together after they've started seeing each other more and more and are spending several nights together etc. Your relationship sounds like it never lifted off in the first place, if you don't mind me saying.

Sorcha16

I think the most important connection you should have with someone is with their mind. Physical proximity isn't a measure of intimacy -there are couples living together who couldn't be more apart and people on opposite sides of the world who couldn't be more together.

Your girlfriend is entitled to live her life on her terms, as are you on yours. Therefore the crux of this matter is not the physical distance between you both but the mental one and the fact that you aren't advancing together at a similar rate.

Some seriously honest discussion is required if you're both to bridge this gap, as moving together in a similar direction at the same pace is the essence of a successful relationship

djimi

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I think the most important connection you should have with someone is with their mind. Physical proximity isn't a measure of intimacy -there are couples living together who couldn't be more apart and people on opposite sides of the world who couldn't be more together.

Your girlfriend is entitled to life her life on her terms, as are you. Therefore the crux of this matter is not the physical distance between you both but the mental one and the fact that you aren't advancing together at a similar rate.

Some seriously honest discussion is required if you're both to bridge this gap, as moving together in a similar direction at the same pace is the essence of a successful relationship

Unfortunately this line of thinking sort of falls down when it comes to a couple moving in together. It can be a strange situation for a couple who know each other well and have seen each other most days for a number of years. The way the OP descibes it they have only seen their partner maybe 40 times in 4 years. Its a big ask to go from that to living together 24/7; it doesnt matter how much of a connection they might have on an emotional level or whatever.

Sorcha16

djimi wrote: »

Its a big ask to go from that to living together 24/7; it doesnt matter how much of a connection they might have on an emotional level or whatever.

Living together 24/7 is a big ask for any couple. Usually the ones who take their time about it and don't rush into anything they aren't ready for tend to fare better.

Also, I think an emotional connection is fundamentally important in all aspects of a relationship -how you feel about that person is pretty much the driving force from which all decisions are made.

In the OP's instance, you'd have to wonder why their emotions haven't compelled them both to want similar things from each other

--LOS--

I can't get my head around this at all, you've been together for 4 years but only see eachother once a month? That's not really a relationship in my mind and definitely not a serious one. I don't know how either of you is happy in this situation. I would have said you're probably both young, new to relationships but you've said you're in your 30s so I'm very confused. How can you even mention the prospect of having a child together, when you barely see eachother, just baffling.

Weebuns12

Things are very different when you see each other so infrequently. If you are considering a future together it's really important you see each other more often to see if its actually going to work. Things are very different when you see each other every day- it will make or break the relationship.

sullies

There is obviously no commitment in this relationship and to be honest l wouldn't even call it that (sorry to be so harsh). Seeing someone once a month and then nothing for 3 months is not a relationship. I think it is ridiculous talking about moving in with each other when you can't manage to even meet up once every month. One of you need to move closer to see each other more often and if it still works out then perhaps move in together then.

Taltos

sullies - welcome to PI/RI.
If you have not already done so can you please take some time now to read our charter.

Specifically:

No one on this forum has the right to tell someone they are not in a relationship due that relationship not being the same as their own, in terms of agreements between adults
of what ever number or what ever gender.

Thanks
Taltos

Note: Questioning a mod action in a thread in the Personal Issues forum is considered off topic and unhelpful posting and may result in a ban from the forum.

jester77

Honestly, this doesn't sound like it's going anywhere. 100 miles is nothing, my gf was living in Oz for 2 years and we never left more than 6 weeks between visits. If she is not willing to invest more time and commitment in the relationship then I wouldn't even bother with the ultimatum. Something is already missing when she is not willing to spend more time with you and I don't think moving in together will sort that out.