She exploded for the first time...

xephon1

Hey all, I have a little problem I could use some help to get sorted in my head. I'm male and in a loving relationship with my partner for 3 years now.
I moved over to her abroad and have setup a life here, up until yesterday we have had our traditional rows from time to time as every couple, but yesterday was different and I'm not quite sure how to perceive/act on it.

I got home from work tired and stressed and was welcomed home but after an hour or so she was a little upset over a forum post on the internet that affected the online game she was playing. I told her it was nothing to be concerned about but she wanted to let it out and I clearly didn't want to hear it so my response to this was "ahh sure stop giving out" as to me the matter was trivial.

Now some of you might know this as a very traditional Irish thing to say to someone, but it was clearly perceived a lot worse by her to a build up point of exploding in utter hate and rage towards me for the comment. She pointed out that I say it quite a few times and to her it was a form of being dismissed, which by the way I acknowledge now but didn't before. To me this was something of converse my parents use to throw at each other to defuse a situation, but as i didn't see this effect before I apologized and backed down.

The problem was the level of outburst over this, I'm generally not a confrontational guy and have a long history of depression/anxiety so do what i can to avoid any form of relapse but yesterday's outburst took quite a tole on me, I was literally screamed at for 30 mins over this to the point i was backed into a corner with a genuine sense of fear not knowning how to react or what to do... it was something i wasn't even aware she had in her and to make it worse, something i never thought i could cause in someone, especially whom i love....so today i'm still quite a bit taken back by this.

Sure we kissed and made up, but i can guarantee you it was me biting the bullet for her sake of making her feel better. I've agreed to not use that line of chat with her and to try to not dismiss matters that may seem trivial to me, but I'm quite a bit broken inside over it and am putting on a facade right now to keep up appearances.

I'm sure it will pass in a couple of days, but was I so blindly in the wrong to deserve that?

LegacyUser

Well it was a dismissive thing to say. There was an obvious breakdown in communication and I suspect she has bitten her tongue quiet a few times about thsi before and this has caused her to explode.

Try to put it behind you and move on. These things happen and over thinking it will only make it worse.

desbrook

Perhaps it would have been better to tell her how YOU felt rather than telling her what to do. You basically gave her an order and dismissed HER feelings in six words or so. Her initial anger was at something else but you didn't see the big deal. Fine. All you needed to say was you hated to see her so upset.

Ddad

Hi op, we've all made the mistake of saying something flippant to a loved one but I'd still find it over the top to have someone scream at me for 30 minutes. I'd have a talk about appropriate responses while once again emphasising how sorry you were about your response to her anxiety. I think screaming abuse at someone your sharing your life with isn't on and I would make that clear.

I'm not saying that you didn't do anything wrong, you sound like your acknowledging that. I am saying that there are appropriate responses by one partner to another partners behaviour. Screaming abuse when someone is backed into a corner and fearful is never an appropriate response to a partners behaviour. It's destructive to mutual respect, self esteem and trust and shouldn't be repeated.

xephon1

"Would you go way outta that"
"ahh give over "
"sure would ye ever stop giving out"

All of these follow the same light hearted context to me which I explained to her, to say I practically gave her an order and dismissed her was a perception I couldn't conceive from these traditional lines I was brought up with, which btw I still assume quite a lot of Irish still use among each other. Granted I do acknowledge it now as both an order and dismissive to someone not native.
What i don't like however is the sense of fear I have now over needing to carefully watch my words.
This could have been easily a problem spoken about like adults had I of known it had anything effect on her.
I don't know how else to put it, Right now I think I'm afraid to talk to her as my heart won't stop pummeling my chest.. its very work distracting.

desbrook

xephon1 wrote: »

"Would you go way outta that"
"ahh give over "
"sure would ye ever stop giving out"

All of these follow the same light hearted context to me which I explained to her, to say I practically gave her an order and dismissed her was a perception I couldn't conceive from these traditional lines I was brought up with, which btw I still assume quite a lot of Irish still use among each other. Granted I do acknowledge it now as both an order and dismissive to someone not native.
What i don't like however is the sense of fear I have now over needing to carefully watch my words.
This could have been easily a problem spoken about like adults had I of known it had anything effect on her.
I don't know how else to put it, Right now I think I'm afraid to talk to her as my heart won't stop pummeling my chest.. its very work distracting.

Please don't think I or any of the posters are condoning any kind of abuse from one partner to another male of female . Your partner was wrong to subject you to this .
What is really puzzling to me is you guys are going out 3 years ! If it was only 3 weeks I'd be inclined to say that she was only getting used to your verbal customs and you getting used to her "animated temperament " . It seems these traits are only new to your relationship or they are only causing a problem because of some underlying issue . Blokes (me included ) can be brutal at picking up on these things but you really need to find out whats going on .
As other posters have said communication is the key . You need to tell her how her actions made you feel in an honest and calm way -especially the fact that you are in fear of saying the wrong thing . This is not healthy for a relationship . You also need to find out whats going on in her head . She may be unhappy with the relationship and where its going . After 3 years marraige or kids or buying a house (or all three) can be on the cards .
Hope this helps - but saying nothing and just making up isnt enough imho

saiint

if you meant it as light hearted
you should of stood your ground
but if shes been "biting her tounge" well then you probably deserve it
no way someone can hold all that anger up and not let it go over something so small
you must of done something before ? or unless she just takes things way too serious and over reacts

Ddad

No one deserves to be screamed at for thirty minutes and be left in fear under the circumstances described by the op. He didn't mention killing her dog, abusing her or running over her granny which might warrant that level of response so I'm going to assume that he hasn't done any of those things or similar.

OP you shouldn't live in fear of your partner. I'm with my wife almost twenty years and we've had some fairly solid arguments but I can't ever recall screaming at her or her me for any lenght of time. I can't recall her being afraid of me or me her. I would be very distressed if my wife feared me, I would also be very concerned if she thought that hailing abuse at me without response from me was warranted.

P. Breathnach

xephon1 wrote: »

... was I so blindly in the wrong to deserve that?

That's the wrong question to ask: it's about fixing blame on one or other of you.

You now know that you have a way of communicating with her that has a very bad effect on her; she has a way of communicating with you that has a very bad effect on you.

You have an area of vulnerability that you have told us about: a dislike of confrontation and a susceptibility to anxiety. That makes it particularly tough for you.

You don't tell us if she has any particular weak points. It might be that she has been bottling things up for a while, perhaps because she is aware of your vulnerability. And then it simply became too much, and you got three years' worth of irritations in one giant package.

It's out in the open now. Yes, she is entitled to tell you how she felt the way you expressed things was dismissive, and your correct response is to try to improve your communication. You are equally entitled to tell her how deeply shaken you are by the way she expressed her feelings, and to remind her of your vulnerability. In doing that, you should try to avoid guilt-tripping her; the conversation should be about how you manage in the future, not about fixing blame for the past.

xephon1

Thank you very much Breathnach, amazingly that post hit home and was something I really needed to hear/realise and you are right, There is no longer point in pointing fingers, I will work it out.
Thanks as well to everyone, all the feedback given was taken in and has helped me deal with the situation in my own mind first and foremost.