Telling a child

Tasden

Hi, sorry if this has been done already. A close family member is currently in her last days. Just wondering how I should deal with this with my child who is five. The person has been too sick for my child to visit the past few weeks and won't be able to visit now. Also, what to do regarding the funeral?
Thank you.

banie01

Hi O.P, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
The pain of loss and grief is something we always hope we never have to expose our children to.
I had to grapple with how i would tell my son that his mam had died when he was 3.
Be honest, answer every question as honestly and as simply as you can.
Death is never a pleasant experience
But it can be a learning one, by dealing with it openly and honestly you can give your child a good grounding for dealing with future bereavement too.
Use your own judgement for the funeral, noone knows what your child is able for better than you.
I took my son to his Mam's funeral mass but not to the burial as at his age I didn't think the burial would do anything other than confuse and upset him.

Be prepared for you to be upset, even more than him...
Kids are amazingly resilient, and I'll be honest in my own experience.....
my son's resilience, strength and coping skills were an inspiration.

In my case anyways watching my son adjust to changed circumstances kept me going on days I just wanted to curl up and block out the world.
I'm sorry for your coming loss and I hope ye both cope well.

An Bhanríon

Lost my father at 6. He had been really sick and I actually worked out myself he was dead (because of the atmosphere in our house) before I was told. Children do have an amazing sixth sense!

I would advise telling you child in simple terms what has happened and answering the questions they might have. Children can deal with this stuff as long as you tell them the truth.

As regards the funeral maybe give your child a choice to go or not to go? I told my mother the morning of my father's funeral that I was too sad to go so I stayed at home with my aunt.

One other detail is that we were actually brought to see my father's body. This may or may not be something you want to do. It depends how close your child is to the person who is dying. I cried my eyes out and screamed really loudly when I saw my father's body, but it did at least confirm to me that he was totally dead, that this was the end and that he would not be coming back.

Lots of hugs, answer all your child's questions truthfully, let them cry... they will be fine.

Canard

Just to make a quick bit of input, while it's no harm to let the child see the body if they want to, I would lean towards not showing them. I remember seeing my aunt's body when I was 9 and I always think of it when I think of her, but I never went in to see my mam's body, I just couldn't put myself through it and I'm so glad I didn't. Make sure to ask first is my advice on that front.
Sorry to hear about the situation.

ctaf

So sorry to hear of your situation. As previously stated, children pick up on things and have an amazing ability to process things, unlike most adults. We had a couple of deaths in our family when I was young, personally, I as a child needed closure and dealt well. My sister however, didn't deal so well with the coffin, but did cope with the funeral. It depends on the child and you will know by talking to your child as to what they understand so far. Every child is different, maybe get a friend or another family member to chat to your child about this, someone who is a bit more removed than you. Children are fabulous, don't under estimate their abilities. I wish you well and no doubt you will do the right thing for your child.

Tasden

Thank you so much to everyone who replied and for sharing your experiences, it means alot.

In the end my child took it very well, think its a little over her head still, and she chose to come the funeral. I didnt give her the option to see the body as when I was a child at a relatives funeral I did and that image has stuck with me ever since.

I am still coming to terms with it all but she seems to be coping very well which is a weight off my mind. We talk about the person regularly and tell little stories about her so my daughter feels free to talk openly about her and her feelings about her being gone. It also cheers me up too!

Thanks again to everyone.