Who Collects

justthisonce

Long time listener, first time caller..

Hi all, just a quick question regarding access for my ex to our 8 year old. Here's the gist of it.

My family (new partner and child with him and the 8 year old) moved 90 min away recently, we'r down to one car, one wage, and like everyone, finding things tight.

Access is not restricted, as often as the father can manage is great, provided it does not interfere with school. We do fri eve to sunday bi weekly since the move.

The prob is the father is sending legal letters and threatening court dates now as he wants us meeting half way, despite my explaining I have no car as my partner has it at work.
His new 'lady' is at work here.

Im trying to get this sorted, but does he have a case? Honestly, thats his only issue, even his family are amazed at what he is spending on legal bills to do this.

All input welcome, thank you

Syllabus

why should he have to do all the travelling?

your transportation problems are nothing to do with your ex

having to arrange a 90 min trip once every two weeks is a small price to pay for having the majority of the custody



imo

Moonbeam

I wonder is the 90 minutes the issue or is there an underlying issue and he is just using the distance as a tool?
Is there public transport where you live?
If possible I would attempt to meet him half way but I also think if he has a car and movement is easier for him or if you do not mind his partner collecting the child then that should be discussed too.

justthisonce

Surely the opposite can be argued, why would the father not drive a 2 hour round trip? Esp when you consider he jumped at cutting the visits to every 2 weeks to facilitate this, but according to the legal letter does not want access increased, just made easier for him.

There is no bus route by my childs school, I pay a lady to take her home. There is a bus route by my home, but to get to the half way point I would have 2 change buses, and it would be 6.30 when getting to half way, and 8.30 to get home. All with the 2 year old. (I did research this option)

Iv contacted his family. His 2 sisters, and brother, and brother and sister in law will happily share the load, as will his mother. Im ok with his partner collecting, she mainly does anyway.

I got a court date today. I didnt even know this was serious until I got the first legal letter, 2 days ago.

ash23

I think the person who moved the child away from the other parent should have to do the travelling. Mother or father. The fact that he is looking at meeting half way seems reasonable enough.

You moved. He shouldn't have to pick up the additional cost and time involved because your financial circumstances are not good at the moment.

SandyRamp

ash23 wrote: »

I think the person who moved the child away from the other parent should have to do the travelling. Mother or father. The fact that he is looking at meeting half way seems reasonable enough.

You moved. He shouldn't have to pick up the additional cost and time involved because your financial circumstances are not good at the moment.

+1

You made the decision to move, he had no say in it. I think it is absolutely only fair that you meet him at least half way.

It is not fair to expect him to do a 3 hour round trip every time, you are both equally responsible for assuring the child has regular access to the non-resident parent.

The legal fees may well save him money if he gets his case given the cost of commuting these days.

paperclip2

Not sure if your ex is paying maintenance but years ago my ex and i agreed to reduce the maintenance paid by the cost of access, i.e. Petrol, etc were deducted from what he paid. It suited us as I had no transport at the time and it helped him maintain contact. Not sure if it might help you just thought I'd suggest it.

justthisonce

Thanks for some practical feedback paperclip 2, its worth mentioning to his legal team. We'll let the judge sort it I guess.

As I was only asking for this temporarily, I can be pretty sure he will never save anything on legal bills.

Also, just for all those up in arms at him doing so much driving, I can do the full drive sunday afternoons. He said no

Big Bag of Chips

OP, there's no need to get so snappy at posters who are taking time to reply to you. Nobody is 'up in arms'. Posters can only reply to the information you give.

Based on that information it was your decision to move a 3 hour round trip from her dad. As a general rule, the person who moves usually does the travel, as the distance has been caused by them. Sometimes, oftentimes, couples can be cooperative and share the travel. Sometimes one, or both will dig their heels in and refuse to budge.

If he had moved 90 mins away, would you think it fair if he asked you to do the travelling?

The suggestion of you doing the full journey on Sunday is a good compromise. Judges like people who can bring solutions to the table. And they don't look too favourably on people being difficult just to be difficult.

In saying that, a judge may well rule that you are the one who moved, so it's up to you to bring your child back to her father for access.

Daisy M

You need to try and look at this from your exs perspective and indeed that of his new partner. Your move means that he is spending an extra 3 hours collecting his daughter. Thats 3 hours which is quiet a long trip. Relistically his family members will have other things on and will probably not be able to always oblige. I don't think its unfair to meet halfway.

justthisonce

Not so much snappy as realistic. Only one person quoated any reasonable suggestions going forward. Thankfully, all the opinions are simply that, and I have sought legal advice myself.

Offy

justthisonce wrote: »

My family (new partner and child with him and the 8 year old) moved 90 min away recently, we'r down to one car, one wage, and like everyone, finding things tight.

justthisonce wrote: »

Access is not restricted, as often as the father can manage is great,

As often as 'the' father can manage? What effort do you make. Any perant that loves their child realises that both parents must make an effort for the childs sake.

justthisonce wrote: »

provided it does not interfere with school

Why point this out? Do you suspect your childs father would take your child out of school to spend time with him/her? It sounds like you are trying to control the childs relationship with the childs father, are you? Im sure you realise how much damage this can do to your child.

justthisonce wrote: »

The prob is the father is sending legal letters and threatening court dates now as he wants us meeting half way, despite my explaining I have no car as my partner has it at work

Why is this a problem, you dont say? Meeting half way seems perfectly fair, it seems equal. Dont you want equality?

justthisonce wrote: »

His new 'lady' is at work here.

How is this relevent?

justthisonce wrote: »

Im trying to get this sorted, but does he have a case? Honestly, thats his only issue, even his family are amazed at what he is spending on legal bills to do this.

I greatly admire this man, all men should be willing to spend every penny they have on a solid relationship with their children.

kiffer

You do full trip on Sunday, he does full trip on Friday.
If you honestly don't have transport on Friday then that's the only way you can meet half way.

His new 'lady' probably doesn't like driving so far but you and your 'gentleman' did move his child far away from him. You've made it harder for him to see his child, I'm not sureprised he's upset.

GismoBaby

OP it sounds like you jumped into my life and stole my story! Down to the finest of details!! If im being fair the first thing is you should be doing some travel, not because you moved (Thats your right) but because its the right thing to do.

Anywho heres the end of my story, im a little past you at the minute having just been back to court for the umpteenth time! Currently my ex is also 90 mins away from me. So at the minute he has reduced the access from every weekend to every second weekend. He does all the travel one weekend and I do all the travel on the other weekend. That leaves everyone with 3 weekends of no travelling.

We used to meet half way on the friday and again on the sunday - Although this sounds like a good option, life gets in the way a lot and its hard to plan things as your on a time limit on those days and i found it really affected family life but then again we were doing it every weekend etc.

this "As a general rule, the person who moves usually does the travel, as the distance has been caused by them...." this is bull, id love to see any case law that backs this up!! No judge has ever said to me that I caused this and I need to fix it! Ive been there often enough to know there is no such thing as a general rule when it comes to family law!! No judge is that small minded either, they are usually fair and unbiased and take all relevant aspects of your life and his into account before making a decision on access or anything else for that matter.

So basically yes - if your not doing your share of travelling, he has a case, if you ARE doing your share he has a case, he can have a case whenever he chooses really as long as he wants something to change and you've no choice but to go. Saying that though - you dont need a solicitor if you dont want one or cant afford one, the cases are very informal and the judge will ask you what he wants to know

Best of luck, court is horrible but has to be done to ensure fairness all round.

LegacyUser

Syllabus wrote: »

why should he have to do all the travelling?

your transportation problems are nothing to do with your ex

having to arrange a 90 min trip once every two weeks is a small price to pay for having the majority of the custody



imo

Well it depends on the situation. My ex walked out on us so I can assure you that I won't be doing any travelling so he can see his child. The judge ruled that he has to do the driving.

The OP does not have the majority of the custody. She has custody and the child goes on access visits to the father. With this custody also comes major responsibility. Maybe the OP does all the driving back and forth for school runs, afterschool activities and she can argue this in court. Maybe she won't be able to afford the 90 min trips and she can also argue this fact but must be able to prove it.

or maybe she should offer to go to mediation with her ex and see if they can sort it out of court because I have spent 5 years in and out of court and mostly both parties come out unhappy with the outcome.

kiffer

Donothinkso wrote: »

Well it depends on the situation. My ex walked out on us so I can assure you that I won't be doing any travelling so he can see his child. The judge ruled that he has to do the driving.

The OP does not have the majority of the custody. She has custody and the child goes on access visits to the father. With this custody also comes major responsibility. Maybe the OP does all the driving back and forth for school runs, afterschool activities and she can argue this in court. Maybe she won't be able to afford the 90 min trips and she can also argue this fact but must be able to prove it.

or maybe she should offer to go to mediation with her ex and see if they can sort it out of court because I have spent 5 years in and out of court and mostly both parties come out unhappy with the outcome.

Surely the father has a right of access and moving child 100 miles away or 90 minutes, 3hour round trip would count as creating an impediment to that access? The least you can do then is provide something to reduce that difficulty that was created. If the father had moved away and was insisting that she drive the extra distance no one would agree with him.
Who ever creates the problem is responsible for providing a solution?

At what point would you be willing to admit that moving further away would make it harder and harder for the child to spend time with one of their parents?
Moving 90 minutes away is clearly ok in your eyes.
Moving 2 hours away?
Moving to Donegal when everyone originally lived in Cork?
At what point would you agree that even though the childs father is meant to do all the driving to see the child that you should help in some way it ease the impediment to access caused by the situation and distance?

Daisy M

Donothinkso wrote: »

Well it depends on the situation. My ex walked out on us so I can assure you that I won't be doing any travelling so he can see his child. The judge ruled that he has to do the driving.

The OP does not have the majority of the custody. She has custody and the child goes on access visits to the father. With this custody also comes major responsibility. Maybe the OP does all the driving back and forth for school runs, afterschool activities and she can argue this in court. Maybe she won't be able to afford the 90 min trips and she can also argue this fact but must be able to prove it.

or maybe she should offer to go to mediation with her ex and see if they can sort it out of court because I have spent 5 years in and out of court and mostly both parties come out unhappy with the outcome.

Obviously we don't have the full story but I find it sad that for your childs sake you are unwilling to go out of your way to facilitate him/her seeing their father. I know your hurt but so will your child be and someone needs to put him first.

LegacyUser

I did not move anywere. The father did a runner. He emotionally blackmails and abuses me any chance he gets. On paper he has moved on with his life but the reality is that he is mentally unstable and still stuck in the past. I'm not going to meet this guy anywhere unless I have a witness to prevent any of his negative behaviour.

I go out of my way each and every weekend to facilitate access but unfortunately he does not take it up. I drive miles and miles every day during the week to facilitate school for said child. He does not want mid week access in case he has to get out of bed early to drive the child to school.

So you see there is more of the story. I've also 5 years of experience in and out of court so I think I know a little about court hearings.

I suggested the OP went to mediation as it may have a better outcome for everyone involved rather then going to court and have a third party make a ruling that may not be in anyones interest and that is often the reality in family law cases.

Offy

Daisy M wrote: »

Obviously we don't have the full story but I find it sad that for your childs sake you are unwilling to go out of your way to facilitate him/her seeing their father. I know your hurt but so will your child be and someone needs to put him first.

Well said Daisy M. To many parents think that by making access hard or impossible it is justification for the hurt they feel, its a sad attitude that always ends up hurting the child/children.

ash23

donthinksoagain wrote: »

I did not move anywere. The father did a runner.

So the father moved and the court ordered that he do all the driving. Seems fair enough to me.
In the OPs case though, the opposite happened. She moved away from the father.