Really confused here...going mad

LegacyUser

Ok so before I start - I can tell by what i am about to say that my relationship is over....but if anyone can tell me what the hell has just happened I'd be delighted.

So I met a guy on a night out 6 weeks ago, he was going through a tough time, sleeping in a hotel because his marriage was over - we had a lot in common and seemed to get quite intense quite quickly. I was looking to move house at the time because of issues with my house mate and he suggested that he let out a place in the area where i work and live (complete other side of the city to his friends/family/wife) and that I rent the spare room from him.

We clicked really magically so I just went along with it - we are in very similar situations in our lives and could help each other - both of us acknowledged this was a fast move but preferred it to living with total strangers. He found the apartment, leased it and took out all the bills in his name (depsite being between jobs)

Anyway, it took me a week or so to be ready to move in fully and I would stay there till 2 or 3am and return to my own place - it was hard saying goodbye and he wanted me to move in so much I actually left my old house early.

So, I've stayed there 6 nights so far, the first 2 were great, the next 3 were OK, he went to meet his brother for a few hours which is fine by me but wasn't really in keeping with his eagerness that I move in. It sat uneasy with me on the basis that it was a general contradiction to what he'd been saying to me. All the while he's been getting texts from his wife begging him to come back and he's made it really clear to her it's over, but not that he'd met someone else and he was constantly telling me that he is happy for the first time in his life. So was I, on some levels - I was concerned at his lack of motivation to find a job but it wasn't a huge deal to me either as I just felt really good about myself.

He wasn't there yesterday when I got home from work and I got a call from him about an hour later saying that his wife had left suicide notes for him and her parents and he was with them driving around looking for her. I said OK, and he reassured me (without prompting) that this won't affect us.

So, I said ok but texted him a little while later saying that I understood he needed to be where he was but I've felt uneasy about him needing to escape the last 3 nights, especially when i'm only in the door and he practically dragged me in - but again I said not to worry about it for now because he had more important stuff on.

I woke up at 2am and he still wasn't home, I text and asked him if he was ok and I got no reply. I called him at 3.30am when he still wasn't home and he cut me off. I then text him saying it was very unfair to cut me off when I was simply concerned for him, I also told him that If he wanted to patch up the issues in his marriage I would understand but to let me know. No response. So, this morning I sent him a message saying I felt like I was being punished and I have no idea why I'm being blanked like this. He's since deleted his facebook account and I have heard no more. I'm not going to send him anymore messages, I have no idea in hell what is going on but I am a little upset.

I really don't want to be with someone who is capable of acting like this but I'm just wondering am I missing something here?

Pippy1976

We'd all move in with our partners within 6 weeks of meeting them - we're on a high, full of emotions, lust, whatever...

...However, it's not the best idea in the world as these feelings tend to calm down after a while and reality sets in. This guy is recently out of a marriage. As much as he probably wanted you two to work it probably isn't the right thing for EITHER of you.

i think, as everything is in his name, pack your bags as soon as you can and get space from this situation. Too much, too soon, my friend.

Lorna123

He is obviously having second thoughts OP, and doesn't have the guts to tell you. Otherwise he would let you know what is going on. I would not be there when he gets back to the house, but I suppose you don't have anywhere else to go. This is all very disappointing but not acceptable either. I think I would take it that he is not as enthusiastic about this relationship as you thought he was and just decide to move out as soon as you can. I would not send him any more texts, nor would I ask for any further explanations. The situation is clear. He is going back to his wife. He has messed you up OP but hopefully you will learn from this and don't rush in to anything like this in future. Easy to say in hindsight !!

ash23

Bills are all in his name....just go. You won't have any repercussions unless you signed the lease?

He was on the rebound, was lonely and needed company. You were there and he might have been mad about you and all excited about having new feelings for someone after his marriage had ended......but ultimately he isn't ready to move on and be in a relationship.

Pick up your dignity off the floor, stop calling him, pack your stuff and be gone before he gets back if at all possible. You've been with him 6 weeks, lived with him for 6 nights. Be glad you didn't waste more of your life on him.

God knows what is actually going on with him, but regardless, whatever it is, he doesn't want you to be part of it.

Best of luck OP.

Merkin

This is a non-starter OP. Move your stuff out and extricate yourself from him and from this mess - sounds like he's back with his wife and I wouldn't be hanging around in the vain hope of an explanation from him either.

ManOfMystery

I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but when you mentioned calling him at 3:30am and he cut you off, that screams to me he was with his wife and didn't want to take the call. I'd cut your losses OP - too much, too soon. Whether he's back with her, talking to her, or just trying to stop her from being suicidal like he says, it's a lot of baggage and pressure to take on so early.

Faith

Am I only one thinking the OP is being completely unreasonable? Here's what I see from your post:

You move in with him and he goes out one night with his brother for a few hours. Rather than encouraging him to be with family and friends during a difficult time, you get angry that he's not living in your pocket?

You've known him for 6 weeks and you're already uptight about his "lack of motivation in looking for a job"?

He then rings you and tells you his wife, who he's only recently separated from, has left him a suicide note and he's out looking for her. Instead of reacting in a supporting, understanding and helpful manner, you choose that moment to have a go at him for having his own life the last couple of nights?

And now you're wondering why he's not been in touch? Frankly, I'd run a mile from someone who behaved like you've described. I'm not trying to be mean, but you said yourself that he's going through a difficult time but instead of being supportive, you're being quite demanding and controlling. I suggest you ask yourself why you have such an issue with him spending time with other people than you. But mostly, I'd have a good hard think about whether it was really appropriate to bring up your minors issues with him while he was searching for his wife who may have just killed herself.

tbh

If you're looking for an explanation for why things ended up the way they did, the best way I can explain it to you is that it's like you went to Vegas, got hammered, met a guy who was hammered, and you decided on the spur of the moment to get married.

Essentially, he wasn't in a position to make or keep a commitment, you never really got to know the real him, and the whole thing went tits-up very quickly. Don't blame yourself or anything, just get yourself out of the house, and try to forget about him.

Oryx

The chap was and is going through a world of emotional pain. Wrongly, he tried to escape from that by hooking up with you. Jumping from one situation right into another. It was never going to work, he was on a total rebound.

I also agree that you didnt see that at all and pressurised him when you shouldnt have. In fact you should have put the brakes on immediately when moving in was suggested. He needed space, not to move in with you.

LittleBook

Sorry OP but (even aside from the moving in together so quickly) I'm find your behaviour a hell of a lot more baffling than his. He calls you to say he and his in-laws are out looking for his (by all accounts) suicidal wife and your reaction is to waffle on about your relationship with him:

unbelievablybaffled wrote: »

I said ok but texted him a little while later saying that I understood he needed to be where he was but I've felt uneasy about him needing to escape the last 3 nights, especially when i'm only in the door and he practically dragged me in - but again I said not to worry about it for now because he had more important stuff on.

Later you:

unbelievablybaffled wrote: »

woke up at 2am and he still wasn't home, I text and asked him if he was ok and I got no reply.

Then you:

unbelievablybaffled wrote: »

called him at 3.30am when he still wasn't home and he cut me off.

Then you:

unbelievablybaffled wrote: »

text him saying it was very unfair to cut me off when I was simply concerned for him, I also told him that If he wanted to patch up the issues in his marriage I would understand but to let me know.

THEN you:

unbelievablybaffled wrote: »

sent him a message saying I felt like I was being punished and I have no idea why I'm being blanked like this.

Have I got all that right? You have no idea where he is, what state he's in or what state his ex is in but this is your focus?

Whatever outside chance this relationship had (being a rebound and in a hell of a hurry) the past 24 hours has most likely killed it. You're both better off out of it.

LegacyUser

Agree with littlebook here, sorry op.
I cant suggest anything about situation before he found out his wife suicidal but when you heard that, you should have supported him fully, whether they split 2 months ago or 2 years ago when he hears his wife is suicidal, he is going to be concerned.
and all youre interested in is that he is not in contact??

Id be gone if i told a fella anyone i knew was in danger and all they were concerned about was their own feelings about us.

Degringola

Faith wrote: »

You move in with him and he goes out one night with his brother for a few hours.

For accuracy's sake, I think he stayed in the first 2 nights, and went out with his brother on the following 3 nights.

That's a huge red flag in itself.

movingsucks

OK well the going out for a few hours in the evenings is neither wrong or right. You both have different expectations of what living together would be like. You expected to be spending more time together and for whatever reason he did not.
Maybe he felt that being in each others faces so fast so soon would be a bad thing and wanted space or maybe he just wanted someone to pay his bills. You would have to talk with him to establish that one.

Now to the events of last night, yes he should've got in contact with you - he could've sent a quick text to say he didn't know when he'd be back and would let you know when he had news.
HOWEVER I don't know if this would've been enough for you. If everything is as he says and his wife did leave notes then god knows where he was and what he was doing. Was he sitting in a hospital by her side, was he still out driving (hard to drive and text) was he sitting with her distraught parents trying to console them while his phone was buzzimg in his pocket or was he talking to his wife begging her not to do such a thing again? Meanwhile you're sending him texts asking why you're being "punished". The guy was probably totally cabbaged and had enough drama going on in front of him without trying to find a way to soothe your fears in 300 characters. Maybe his battery died, maybe he fell asleep on his in laws couch, knackered and woke up to the barrage of messages.
When you say he cut you off did he answer and then hang up? Or did it just ring and then stop quickly - because if so that's not always a sign that the person is hanging up on you.

I think really if I were you I would call it quits anyway. This chap has too much baggage and from what you'be written it sounds like a lot to handle.

m'lady

I think you acted very needy OP, u know the guy 6 weeks and by reading your post put him under a lot of pressure while he was out looking for his wife, that would show a bit of a selfish streak.. However I so think he owes u an explanation, perhaps not on a night that his wife has left a suicide note tho?

I think you should be thankful that its only been 6 weeks and move on if need be, or if you do manage to sort things out with him, maybe chill a bit and key things progress naturally, and not force the relationship to a level that you want.. Slow and steady wins the race and all that!

I hope it works out for you.

RossFixxxed

With only your post to go on OP I'd say you both dodged a bullet. He's clearly not ready for a full on relationship and you flug yourself into it an amazing amount in only six weeks. The guy is in an emotional tornado and you're texting him about your feelings, when he's out looking for a possibly dead woman.

The fact you'd mention your concern about his motivation for finding a job is weirdly out of place amongst the rest of the message and really comes across as far too controlling. If I was in emotional turmoil and someone I only knew a month and a half was acting like that I'd be a small spec on the horizon gaining speed tbh. BUT it's ok that he's not too motivated because YOU feel good about YOURSELF? o_O

Then in a bizarre flip flop you text him saying it's ok if he's patching up with his wife? You come across as incredibly fickle in this post. Throw yourself into this relationship then... meh. He's gotta be confused with so much going on, and from your post, you must be further confusing the situation.

He sounds like someone who shouldn't be looking for a relationship right now and you sound like you want to throw yourself in front of one.

Sorry to be harsh OP but you wanted an explanation, this is one possibility. I only have your post to go on.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here,

Thanks for all the replies - sorry, I get what people are saying about my text but it comes off a little out of context, he was fully aware that i was suuportive of him out looking for his wife.

She was fine anyway - both of us knew she would be fine - she has done this before.

Anyway, his phone was stolen and he wound up finding her in Donegal. He sent me a facebook message via his brother but I've decided to walk away anyway. It really was too much too soon