first chapter of first novel

alfa beta

Hey folks - I've got the plot worked out, the characters sketched up, the format nailed down and eleven chapters written (to first draft stage)...

So, I'm sorta starting to wonder if what I've been spending a great deal of my time on over the past few months is now worth spending a great deal more of my time on over the next few (if you get my drift)

In a nutshell, I want to know if I've got something that might appeal to a publisher or an agent....or if I've been wasting my time!

So, with that in mind, I'm attaching my first chapter here as a PDF and I'm asking you to have a read - I just want you to imagine that you are that publisher/agent and to let me know if
(a) yes, you'd be interested in reading some more, or
(b) no thanks, the first three sentences were more than enough!!

(I'm not going to post a synopsis of the story here - as I want to wait until I complete a full first draft before I do that - but obviously that would accompany anything sent to an agent/publisher. For the moment, it's probably enough to say we're talking about a thriller.)

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads the attached and answers (a) or (b)

(please let there be more a's than b's!!!)

donalh087

Thats a fine story AB and good writing to boot. A real page turner in my opinion.

Three points.

1.) I had little sense of place. Initially the style is very New York, then I thought it was Ireland and then it turns out to be an English village. I need a lot more sense of place. I need old Jags and Landrovers and the Archers on the radio. Think more Morse and less Edgar Wallace.

2.) You tell us too much in the last few lines.

3.) You don't have to 'justify' every detail. What I mean is, for example,
"Sarah was in New York for the week, some sort of conference to do with her work - he wasn’t sure what it involved - just that it meant she was gone from Monday to Friday and it happened twice a year. She didn’t like traveling and he didn’t like when she wasn’t around. It was just one of those things. The sooner it was over the better."

This blocks the story and loses me. If you lose that entire paragraph you lose nothing. This happens a few times - a good editor will sort that out anyway.

Look, you write well, its a good story and I'd love to read more. I don't say that a lot.

alfa beta

thanks Donal - really appreciate the time you took to read and comment.

the points you made are very helpful too - especially the first one.

nervous_twitch

I read this from start to end, and I have to say that you have a beautiful writing voice alfa. You definitely must keep with it; the technique comes easy to you. It's a really kind of seamless piece; the characters and settings are so vivid - it's so easy to get involved and want to know what's happening next.

Only thing I'd recommend is proofing - there's some grammatical, orthographic and typographical errors you need to address. Punctuation and that. Once that stuff is sorted though, I think you're on to a winner. Good work Don't publish your next chapter by the way - make us buy it!

alfa beta

nervous_twitch wrote: »

the technique comes easy to you.

if only that were true!!

but, hey, I'm glad it looks that way!


thanks for reading and for posting - I appreciate it