Life, I need a little help

pauloz

Hi,

I am so fed up with life. I'm gay and nobody knows, I dont know how much longer I can keep up this act. I have a girlfriend for the sake of it. My life is basically a lie. I am well liked, but who do they like? I don't know. I've moved out of home and don't really want to be in the new house. I just want to go home to my own house and stay in my room and eat junk. I never had much self esteem and still don't. Never feeling you are good enough or good at anything. My finances are in tatters. My job is ok, although theres alot of time to think. I have tried to do things to improve life, excercising but everything gets on top of me and i give up. I think whats the point in excercising, your living a lie and you have no money. It is getting extremely difficult to deal with normal life. I wake up in the mornings in a worried state. I worry all the bloody time. I wish i could chill out. There are times I think I'm living the way others think i should, just to keep them happy. Although the gay thing is not the whole issue, i can keep that lie up i think. Coming out for me is never an option. I never have peace of mind. I'm sure none of all this is normal. There are days im on a bit of a high and happy and others completely opposite. I dread the next day all the time because i dont know how i will feel. Theirs so many things and things i havent even mentioned. Sorry for wineing and i know its all over the place. I just need some honest help. Certain peope know some of the problems but not all, and nobody knows the obvious one i mentioned first. thanks

RubyGirl

So sad to hear your problems. Would you think about moving abroad, to Oz or somewhere. If your young enough I'd seriously consider it.

username123

Im sorry you are feeling so bad.

I dont think having a pretend girlfriend could be good for you, or her. It would be exhausting having to keep up the pretence, maybe you could knock that on the head anyway just to have one less thing to worry about?

About being gay, you dont have to make a big 'come out' but you could start living your life more as you wish to and sort of gradually allow it to become known. I presume when you say you can never come out it is about your family? You would do well to talk to other gay people who have experienced this and come through it.

On generally feeling awful and rushed and up and down - could you talk to your GP about this? You could go to a strange GP if you wanted to. You are right, there is a lot going on in your head, and its not right to be feeling all over the place.

Is there any good friends you could be honest with and talk to? I really feel living a lie must be horribly tiring and head wrecking for you. If you can be yourself with even one person that would help you to relax and talk?

sam34

moved to PI

please note that the PI charter applies form here onwards

Spangles

It seems to me that your head is all over the place at the moment OP and you don't have anyone to talk to about it. Virtual hug to you.

If I were you, in a quiet moment, I would write down all of the things that I am struggling with and try and tackle them one at a time. See if you can deal with the most straightforward problem first and build up to tackling the more difficult things then. Taking a positive approach will make you feel more in control.

Your sexual orientation is something that you cannot hide or run away from (and shouldn't have to). A friend of mine was in a similar situation to you but did eventually tell his family. He is the oldest of 5 and being the oldest male, and meant to be setting an "example" to his younger male siblings, found it more difficult. He waited til his late 20s and was sorry he waited so long as all except his father accepted him. It took about a year for his da to come around but he did and their relationship is now stronger than ever.:)

There is a strong gay community in Ireland and also a forum on this site under "Soc", the "Gay, Lesbian Bisexual,Transgender" with information and topics you may find relevant and you may like to read.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=255

Try to stay positive, and above all - be yourself !

LegacyUser

Firstly, username123 has some very good advice. Tackle things one at a time, and definitely stop stringing your girlfriend along.

There's no reason to come out straight away, or at all if you don't want to.

Secondly, there are groups with loads of experience in what you're experiencing that will lend and ear and give you advice. You can ring them up or send an email. Keeping a diary is a good idea, but human contact with someone who knows just what you're going through can help.

lazorgirl

You see to be having a tough time at the moment OP. everyones experience is different and i can only share briefly my "coming out". as other replies have mentioned you don't have to "come out" to anyone. take some time, ideally with a counsellor to talk about your feelings & thoughts in relation to your sexual orientation and other issues. explore how you feel in relation to your sexuality. try and not rush into labelling your self, as we in the gay community are sometimes very quick to do. take time to sit with your self and allow your self the freedom and support of talking to some one who can you give you a different perspective on things. i know that i did struggle with coming out and did worry about the impact it would have on others but my family and friends have always been very supportive. i have found that it is often my perception of how people may or may not react that is far removed from how things are in reality. also remember that although a significant part of who we are, our sexuality and our expression of our sexuality is just one part of what makes us all unique. i think it is something to be enjoyed and celebrated, straight, gay, bi, etc. just take some time, talk to some one supportive (there are some good groups/helplines), and go easy on your self.

pauloz

Thanks everyone, this is the only place i have ever spoken about it. I do know i don't want to kill myself, I just want to be happy, but i think it's hopeless, If i were to tell the truth i still dont think it would make me happy. I just want to be normal and im angry that i was born like this, its such a terrible thing to have to live with. I have complete respect for anyone that has gone through it and is happy. I guess maybe the only other option is to move away and disconnect myself from everyone. I dont want to spend all my young years feeling like this and one day thinking that i've waisted it all. I do understand that it is only an extension of me, but it hurts and im scared. But thanks everyone you really have helped a little.

Taltos

OP - maybe it would help you to talk to a professional about this.

Just picking up on some of the words you used:
"I just want to be normal" - OP you are normal. The only difference between who you are now and who you pretend to be is that you are naturally attracted to other men. And no matter what anyone else might tell you - that is perfectly OK.

"I just want to be happy, but i think it's hopeless" - as long as you believe it is hopeless it will be. Your belief here or your lack of faith in yourself is what is holding you back from happiness.

"I guess maybe the only other option is to move away and disconnect myself from everyone" - please don't do this. Isolating yourself from those that care for you will only make you feel worse - a lot worse.

Can I suggest the following.
1. End your current relationship. It is not fair on you or on your girlfriend. You deserve to be happy and she deserves to be with someone who is genuinely attracted to her.
2. Don't make any other rash decisions, don't blurt it out or announce it to the world just yet.
3. Find a professional to talk to - someone to help you come to terms with the person you really are and someone who can help guide you into opening up to others when the time is right and you are ready. The reason I stress this is if you are not mentally strong enough and you get a bad reaction (I don't know your family so just going on a limb here) - it could really hurt you. Now you could be lucky and have an amazing family that really supports you, and I really hope you do.

You really have to shake this misperception that there is something different about you or something wrong. You could no more choose your sexual preference than you could your eye colour. Stop being so hard on yourself, and reach out for the advice you need in helping you accept who you are and learn to be happy with that.

I have no idea what age you are but there are also some links in the bottom of our charter that might be useful.

tbh

pauloz wrote: »

Coming out for me is never an option. I

why?

You're not going to be happy until you come out. You're not going to get better while you're living a lie. It's the pressure of knowing that eventually things will go tits-up that's making you depressed. It must be impossible for you to relax.
You need to change your mindset from "how do I learn to cope with living like this" to "how do I get the courage to tell everyone the truth".

If you'd come out a year ago, all the drama would more than likely be over now, and I bet you'd be much happier. Short term pain, long term gain. You know what you need to do to live your life. So do it.

Littleminx

hi.im so sorry for you,but there is your family and friends that will be here for you.you are normal person,but i do think you should talk to your girlfriend because you a\re not just hurting her feeling your hurting your own mister. x

kob29

For a start you need to give yourself permission to take a worry break, a week or two.

The most immediate thing for you to tackle should be setting your girlfriend free, it's wasting her life and thats not fair. You couldnt be feeling good about that.

We had a family member go through similar with the coming out process and they thought they could never do it and be accepted or have other people cope with it but that often turns out to be just a perception people build up in their head and it did in this case.
Why not privately explore it for a while on your own with no pressure to tell anyone at the moment. Go to a gay holiday resort and be yourself for a week. If you still don't want to tackle telling anyone, this at least might give you some release temporarily and increase your ability to deal with the rest of your problems. Please dont think that this cant have a good outcome, it's SO much more common nowdays than you think and can definitely have a good end result for people.

LegacyUser

The irony of all this, OP, is that the person being the most intolerant homophobic person here on this forum is....you.
Does that not tell you something? You have to allow yourself the freedom to live as you wish. You're not a murderer or a rapist, you simply happen to prefer guys to girls. You can't change it, it's just who you are.
Coming out doesn't require you to morph into a flaming camp stereotype. I've met 2 guys over the last 6 months where my "gaydar" completely failed me- I simply had no idea as to their sexual orientation.
One guy was a friend of my brothers', came out to a group of very manly men friends (as in, "homo jokes" were considered hilarious) -but all of them are completely fine with it (though he gets the odd ribbing still! which means everything has gone on as normal).
The other guy came out in his early 30's after years of suppressing who he was, and is the happiest he's ever been.
TBH, the post sounds like Daffyd Thomas from Little Britain...you are not the only gay in the village, and the majority of people are a lot more tolerant& accepting than you give them credit for.

tony81

tbh wrote: »

why?

You're not going to be happy until you come out. You're not going to get better while you're living a lie.

<Snip>

If you'd come out a year ago, all the drama would more than likely be over now, and I bet you'd be much happier. Short term pain, long term gain. You know what you need to do to live your life. So do it.

This sounds like propaganda. There is no silver bullet and rushing to come out and turning your life upsidedown just in the hope that you'll be dealt a better hand isn't a good move. Take your time and don't be pressured into anything.

Op, your life will not improve simply by coming out. The only thing you will prove to yourself is that everyone you trusted and have always been there for you will still be there. However, the double-edge on that is, isn't that just looking for approval? You shouldn't need approval, just learn to be happy with yourself and your circumstances.

You are not living a lie. True, your relationship isn't going anywhere but hey, that's how a lot of relationships work. People who aren't in love going through the motions. However, if it's not a fulfilling relationship for you, plan your exit strategy and end it. Don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation (after all, if she doesn't realise you're gay just how serious can the relationship actually be?)

If possible (esp if you have a medical card) see if you can get your GP to refer you to a counsellor that you can work out some of your issues with.

"I just want to be happy, but i think it's hopeless" , I agree with Taltos, this form of thinking is catastrophic. You need to think positive.

Stop thinking "people might not like me because I'm gay". Instead start saying "people do like me because I'm ..." (any positive traits you have)

Instead of "my finances are in tatters" just say "i'm doing well, in a country of high unemployment i have a job"
**Ps, i saw your other thread. Your finances aren't so bad.. I know a guy who's in €200k negative equity yet I see his dopey face every weekend in the pub. No one told him his finances are in tatters and he's as happy as larry. It all depends on your perspective. Your credit union loan is the least priority, and if you get rid of your car (assuming you can get to work using a different means) you will never have another money worry again.

You also have your health..
As for exercising, if you're doing it on your own it's hard to have an interest. Make sure to get a gym buddy and perhaps a few other hobbies to keep you busy.

pauloz

Thanks Guys - I appreciate all the replys and advice! I'm being more positive now and will never give up. Thanks again!