Male with eating disorder

LegacyUser

Hi. Just wanted to relate my story in case it's of help to anybody struggling with an eating disorder. For roughly the last 15 years I've had problems with bulimia - it started in secondary school and then got worse as the years went by. I made some half-hearted attempts to stop over the years, but none of them worked. My parents found out about it after around 3 years, but I managed to downplay it to them - I didn't want to worry them, and I also didn't want them on my case all the time. They wanted to help, but at the time I wasn't the right frame of mind to accept it.

I moved to a different city and lived in an apartment on my own, which gave me free reign to binge and purge freely whenever I wanted. Down through the years I wished for a magic wand to solve the problem but it's never as simple as that. Every evening for years I went through the same destructive ritual of eating a huge meal, bringing it back up and then repeating until bedtime. I was stuck in a rut and there seemed no way out. The stigma and my embarrassment about the illness stopped me from doing anything about it, or talking to anyone about it. The illness in a strange way felt like a crutch, and I was afraid what my life would be like without the safety of that crutch. The state of my teeth was a source of worry - I hadn't been to a dentist for years and I was afraid of the damage I had done. When I finally plucked up the courage to go to a dentist, that served as a catalyst to getting myself onto the right track. I was crapping myself going into see the dentist, but he was kind and understanding and that helped a lot. I had to have over €700 of dental work done, but it could've been a lot worse if I'd left it a bit longer.

The sense of relief having faced up to the dental issues gave me a small sense of achievement and helped to push me towards addressing the eating disorder itself. I finally spoke to my GP about it and he gave me the details of a psychologist nearby. I went to see the psychologist several times - I found it a horrible experience to be honest, but it was probably what I needed. I was used to keeping feelings bottled up (typical male ha!), and it was very uncomfortable trying to express myself to a stranger. The eating disorder actually worsened while I was doing those sessions, but that's probably understandable because suppressed emotions and feelings were being brought to the surface. To be honest after 6/7 sessions I was thinking of packing it in with this particular psychologist because I felt that it wasn't working for me. In hindsight though, I think the sessions probably prepared the ground for what happened next.

At the end of my last session, the psychologist recommended that I consider attending an OA meeting (Overeaters Anonymous). I did some research online and decided to give it a go - it was my last throw of the dice. I was extremely nervous going to my first meeting - I was hoping that I'd be able to sit down the back and slip out if I didn't like it, but it wasn't to be - the seats were arranged in a circle so there was no escape! The room had about 8 ladies in it - from young to old. They welcomed me and did their best to make me feel at ease. Each started to relate their story - the struggles they had endured and the progress they had made. I found it extremely hard to listen to, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Their honesty and openness was startling and humbling. It came to my turn to speak - I didn't really want to but I spoke a little and blushed furiously and hoped the ground would open up and swallow me. The people were so normal and friendly - you wouldn't know by looking at them that they had a problem. I felt overwhelmed after that first meeting - there was so much to process. One woman whose story had struck a chord with me came over to me after the meeting and gave me her number - offering to give me advice at any stage if I needed it. This act of kindness and selflessness on her part made a huge difference - I'm not sure if I would've gone back to another meeting only for her.

The easiest thing would've been not to go back, but I went to another meeting the following night and several more in the following weeks. Those meetings flicked a switch in my head and the bingeing and purging stopped, hopefully for good. The sense of solidarity made a huge difference - unlike with the psychologist, I think all the people at the meetings could identify with and relate to some or all of each other's stories. It was also great to hear how these people had managed to control and overcome their food issues. The spiritual/religious aspect of OA wasn't really for me, but I took from the sessions what I needed to to get better - it's possible to be an atheist/agnostic and still get something from these meetings.

I'm sorry for waffling on, but I've been thinking about writing something like this for a while. Before I started addressing my problems, I used to read forums like this and read about the experiences of other people in similar situations - hoping to find inspiration. Over a year ago I was stuck in my rut - unaware of the type of help available and not in the right frame of mind to seek it in the first place. I was lucky enough to stumble upon the right path. Perhaps if I'd read a post like this (especially from a male perspective) it might have allayed some of my fears and encouraged me to start the recovery process sooner rather than later. I suppose my point is, if you're struggling with an eating disorder or any other mental illness for that matter, you're not alone - you're not a lost cause - there is help out there and I would encourage people not to leave it as long as I did to seek help. I fully understand how daunting it can feel to ask for help in the first place - my experience with everyone I've approached is that they have been kind, supportive and keen to help in any way they can. The recovery process for everyone is different - what worked for me mightn't work for everyone but don't give up if you find one strategy isn't working - you'll find one that works for you. I don't consider myself cured, and I'm aware that a relapse could happen at any time, but I've been 'clean' for six months now and hope to continue that way. A year ago I wouldn't have thought that was possible. I haven't been to OA for a while, but I know that there's a daily meeting I can attend if I go through a rocky patch at some point in the future. That gives me great reassurance and helps to keep me on the right path.

Good luck to anyone who's currently grappling with these issues - if this post helps one person it will have served its purpose. A few simple resources of information are www.bodywhys.ie and http://www.oa.org/meetings/. Sorry again for the long-winded post!

Ickle Magoo

As PI is an advice forum for posters to request advice rather than post threads with general advice, I'm going to lock this OP.

Well done with your continued recovery and I've added the links to our "useful links" in the charter.

All the very best. :cool: