Trying to overcome shyness

LegacyUser

Hey all, wondering if anyone can give me some advice.

I have always been an incredibly shy person, but its gotten to the stage now where it has become severely crippling and I just have to change the way I interact with people. I recently finished college and for a career in my area you must be a good team player. I've had many interviews since finishing college and they've all gone the same way, they think I'm great on paper (good results, perfect for the job from a technical stand point) but the lack of any proper team skills means I'm pretty much vetoed at that stage of any interview. Even during the easy parts of the interview i.e. the technical questions my fear of simply being there makes it hard to answer questions then normally I would be more than able to answer with ease.

It has also greatly impacted on my personal life too, my girlfriend recently broke up with me because every time she tried to get to know me I would almost instinctively shut down, I guess I just sort of felt inferior or unworthy to be with her. Every girlfriend I've ever had follows the exact same pattern. She makes the first move (I've never been able to put myself out there enough to be the instigator, even when girls were interested in me and all my friends were telling me "she's really into you" and to "go for it" I just couldn't, I would shut down and probably seemed incredibly rude to the girl, which would just make me feel worse). Then if a girl was bold enough to ask me out we go out for maybe a month max and then she would break it off because I don't let myself become connected enough for the relationship to move past any sort of initial superficial stage (I guess I convince myself that if I'm not emotionally invested then it wont be so bad when she does leave).

I've ignored my shyness so far in life but it has become impossible to ignore any more. I'm trying to put myself out there more, I'm applying for more jobs, ones that I would have ignored before because they had an intimidating interview process or perhaps I applied to before and would feel inadequate to apply again. I've also made it a goal that every time I go out to say a pub or whatever I will force myself to talk to someone new, even if its just to say "hello". I'm not sure what else to do to over come it though. Some people have told me I should join some sort of club or something but I've no idea what kind of club I would join or even what kind of clubs are out there (all my current hobbies are all solo activities). If anyone has any ideas or have gone through something similar I would love to hear your thoughts.

Sorry for the long text, I guess the TLDR version is, very shy guy trying to overcome shyness, thoughts?

cafecolour

The advice you've been given is good.

Forcing yourself to talk to someone new is good, if you actually do it. Planning ahead something to say might make it easier. Also asking people for information/help (i.e. practical things) can make it easier.

There are lots of clubs that revolve around 'solo' activities - book clubs, hill walking clubs, etc. Or find a new hobby you might enjoy.

edellc

Have you ever thought about a drama club OP, its a great way of putting yourself in situations that are new yet in the comfort of a class that are supportive of you.

Its also a great way of building confidence, self esteem and bringing people out of their shell, I have seen it in action with children/teenagers and its amazing to watch and to see the new found sense of self these kids experience is just wonderful and if they are brave enough to do this I am sure you can to.

I dont know what part of the country you are in but there are always drama groups here and there, so make google your friend.

Genghiz Cohen

I used to be quite shy in my teen years. 25 now and Girlfriend thinks I am one of the most confident people she has met.

What I did was start out small. I started talking to people who kind of had to be friendly. Checkout workers and such. If you talk to them they are kind of obliged to talk back in a friendly manner. Plus they can't really be rude or ignorant to you.

Not that I ever was to them mind, a simple chat about whatever's happening in the world right now. Something like "So, Obama or Romney?". Anything to get a conversation started. The beautiful thing about this is that there is a set time limit, so if you mess up you are only like 2 mins away from an exit to the conversation and there are no real repercussions.

After a few months I'd be doing it naturally and it progresses from there. Now I'm a royal smartass.

sallywin

Travel and working abroad will do wonders for you, and try to work in a job with lots of customer interaction- it will do wonders for you, you will be forced to answer questions, help people, etc. and should boost your confidence with others.

OzDoody

OP I'm in the same position as you my friend but I'm working on it...I'm not putting anyone's advice down here, I do think that forcing yourself to talk to strangers will help but the problem with us type of fella's is that we simply cant force ourselves to do that...Recently I've realized (as obvious as it is) my social anxiety and shyness stems from underlying issues so I reckon if I cant force myself to talk to strangers then I can try figure out and resolve where all of this anxiety comes from

What I've been doing is (and this makes me sound mental) sitting in a dark room, no tv or music or stimulation of any kind and let my mind wander and i also ask myself questions about why this might be happening and think of instances in the past that could've caused it...it's like unraveling a mystery every secret you discover about yourself unlocks another secret..and everytie you realise why you might act the way you do feels like a little weight taken off your chest...Your subconscious mind knows exactly why your shy, the tricky bit is getting it to tell your conscious mind :P

Sorry for the long post, couldn't have said it in any less words