Stay or Go

LegacyUser

Ok, am a regular here but going unreg for this because I feel like such a bit*h. Really need objective, preferably non-judgemental advice but will understand if ye can't help yourselves saying what an utterly ungrateful cow I am.

So the story is that we're together for years and years, kids, grandkids the whole lot. Have had ups and downs but always seem to muddle through up to now.

Just a bit of background. We were forced by parents to get married because I was pregnant very young. We had actually broken up when I realised I was pregnant, and I had no plans on ever seeing him again as I felt it had run its course and he was a bit needy.

Am listing his Pros and Cons as I see them. This may seem odd, and it probably is, but I don't know how to even approach this decision.

Pros

Has stood by me when I'm not well / through family issues
Does housework when feels like it (I'm happy to pay a cleaner)
Laundry all the time - piles up and then he tackles it
Makes Tea
Few dinners a week and sometimes bakes
Goes to shop/pay bills in post office etc
Lights fire (when he's cold)
Bins
Looks after pets
Doesn't snore much
Helps if I ask

Cons

Moans about all of the stuff he has to do *see Pros
Has a job where he could be out earning money when weather is good but won't
chase jobs/money - limits himself to less than 18 hrs pw
Ambition in life is to get carers allowance and not work outside home at all
Was a very detached dad, very little interest in kids - very hard to get him involved in outings/their development/bit more in grandkids but for half hour at a time
Refuses to sit down for a meal at the dining table, prefers to take meals in front of telly - even when we've company. Exception would be christmas/easter. Even when granddaughter is staying, won't join us for a meal and chat at table.
Refuses to look at retraining/education options in a serious way
Might say - has no money towards.. dinner, bin tag, milk, diesel, whatever, but then
goes and plays golf and has money for competition fees, diesel etc.
Not spontaneous at all
Bit of a lech - feels me up when I'm asleep, even when not well or in major pain
Big into porn but pretends not to be
Has never once surprised me with trips, presents or outings - I have done all of these at various times.
Even when I could, would not go dancing, gigs, or social outings except if absolutely
necessary - family events.
Sits and picks nose in front of me for ages and then makes tea/food without washing his hands- find that stomach churning.
Personal hygiene issues - sometimes smells rotten
Has zero ambition and hates working
Never bothers if we've no money for fuel/bills etc. All left up to me - Insurance,
utilities, mortgage, blah blah
Won't engage with debtors - leaves it all up to me
Doesn't pay own way for vehicle - expects me to do it - tax, doe, repairs etc
Moans about kids/grandkids coming over and making a mess

There's loads more, but am realising as I type these are such petty things that I'm so selfish for noticing but can't help it at this stage, sorry.

I've changed a good bit over the years, pursued education/training/ advancement

No matter how I've put things, asked, pleaded etc. my husband won't change.

I don't know whether I should just accept that at this stage and be grateful for what we've got or do what I really want, which is try a fresh start alone.
I have a chronic long term illness so it would be tough physically but I know I could manage.
Financially, I would manage as I have a modest enough independent income, which he seems to resent yet is happy to depend on.

We have discussed all of the issues and he says he loves me and wants to stay together but I really do believe that's because he doesn't see any alternatives for himself and 'this is how I am'. Can't change, etc.
We've been to marriage counselling (major battle to get him to agree) but after a few weeks everything went back to the status quo.

I'm not sure I even like him anymore but I do care about him and a loath to upset him.
I don't wan't to have sex with him at all. It's been 2 months now.
When we do it, the physical attraction is still strong but I'm finding it harder and harder to leave all this other stuff outside the bedroom.

If I leave I'll still pay the mortgage so he won't be left high and dry but would have to support himself otherwise.

Any objective input would really be appreciated.

Thanks for reading this long post.

squonk

Maybe he feels like he's stuck in a rut and can't get out of it. He sounds a bit dissatisfied really and I know you can't really say it on here but perhaps midly depressed.

Was he always like this or did it evolve over time?

There are a lot of very big problems here and I'd suggest more counselling.

I actually don't feel qualified to even begin to make any real suggestions to you and, indeed I'm not qualified as I'm just a regular punter. I'd suggest getting some professional advice and help on this.