The light has gone out!!

treakle

Hi all, I’m writing this hoping for a little perspective or advice from others who may have at one time in their lives had similar feelings etc...

To cut a long story short I had my heart absolutely smashed into a trillion little pieces by who I thought was the “girl of my dreams”. We were together 7 years and had all the same life plans as most other couples who are together that long...travel / nice house / kids etc. etc.
Well for whatever reason her feelings changed and she ended it. That was just over 3 years ago.

Emotionally I was in pieces and spent the next year of my life working through the pain and ‘mending’ my poor little heart I avoided the dating scene for much of the following 1.5 years because I needed to concentrate on myself (goals/career/health etc.). I can safely say that now I am well and truly mended from the whole experience and have no aspirations to ever see or speak to her ever again...however, I do hope she is well and wish her all the best in her future life.

Can I just add that I have a large circle of friends, have a good career going on, I would consider myself a very friendly, caring, sociable and funny person. I have no problem meeting girls when out in a social scene as I love interacting and meeting new people.

So what is the problem I hear you say!

The problem is...over the last 1.5 years I have been putting myself more and more back out there and meeting new girls and going on dates and all that. However, for whatever reason I cannot seem to make a connection with any of these girls. Even if the date goes really well I wake up the next day and feel like I couldn’t be bothered texting or calling the girl again. For the ones that last a few weeks or months I cannot seem to be able to develop feelings for these girls and I don’t like being like this. I feel, since the breakup of my relationship 3 years ago, a light went out in my heart and I just don’t know how to switch it back on again

Has anyone else ever felt like this and if so what did you do to’ turn the light back on’?

I really want to solve this problem as it makes me feel terrible when I have to tell girls that I can’t see them anymore. For those of you who will say “you’re not over your ex ...or... ”you’re comparing all these girls to your ex” ... I can truly say that I really am over my ex. Although I may have been guilty of comparing girls to my ex at the start, that is not the case anymore. A very recent example...I was on a date last night with a girl who I would consider prettier and more funny that my ex. The date went very well...BUT...I wake up this morning and the same problem...I couldn’t care less if we don’t go on another date!

Please help me to turn the light in my heart back on!

daisybelle2008

Maybe there is another way of looking at things. You may have been a little over dependent on your girlfriend, you seem to have taken the break up very bad and say you thought she was 'the woman of your dreams'. Maybe you have realised at some level that you don't need to be so dependent on someone else. Maybe it's nothing to be worried about, at one stage you may feel like spending more time with someone but you don't HAVE to be in a relationship. Maybe this is not a problem and there is no need to feel guilty about telling people you don't feel a connection, that is being honest. You will feel a connection when and if you are meant to, trust your instinct and honour it if things don't feel right (don't ever feel guilty for being true to yourself).

IrishEyes19

I kind of think you're not over your ex. You may be over her romantically, but I think there's still a little anger. I know from personal experience when I was truly over someone, they could walk into a room and despite a little awkwardness I could nod politely say hello and excuse myself. but your words "have no aspirations to ever see or speak to her ever again" sound angry Just my opinion. I sense the breakup was and is unresolved.

Herrick

OP have you ever thought that while you may be over the ex, what is really going on is maybe your not letting yourself get attached to any of these girls as perhaps subconsciously, your afraid of falling for someone and getting hurt again? Thus this not being bothered is maybe just a way of keeping yourself from getting into a situation where you might get hurt again?

miec

Hi Op

I think that I am in a similar situation, my ex and I broke up over two years ago. When I met him I fell for him deeply, in a way it was overly dependent. He was emotionally abusive towards me and eventually we broke up as I couldn't take it any more. When we broke up it took me ages to get over him, I would say only in the last couple of months I have finally stopped wanting him in my head, he has long since found another woman, he was the type who could never stay alone for long. The thing is like you I might date someone once and I don't want to see them again, although I haven't had that many dates, largely I avoid it now. I don't know what the answer is but in my own experience I am acknowledging the fear in my heart and the equal yearning to meet and connect with someone else. Maybe you just need more time, keep dating and maybe you will connect some day.

fits

I dont agree with those who say you're not over your ex. Sometimes when you are hurt that badly by someone, it is just very difficult to feel the same way again. Especially as you get older. I dont know how to advise you and I dont know how you can switch it back on. Maybe it wont happen. Just suit yourself and take it easy. But give the good ones a chance.

Taltos

treakle wrote: »

For those of you who will say “you’re not over your ex ...or... ”you’re comparing all these girls to your ex” ... I can truly say that I really am over my ex.............A very recent example...I was on a date last night with a girl who I would consider prettier and more funny that my ex.

OK OP - of your whole post just read the above.
Who are you trying to kid here?
You claim you are over your ex and you even go on to tell us what we will tell you - and then in the same paragraph that you dismiss our advice you immediately raise your ex again in bold.

Maybe a part of you really believes you are over her, but it is screaming from your post that you are anything but.

With this much time gone and you being in denial about it - maybe talking to a professional is the next step? Until you can finally let go and just be yourself it is unlikely you will ever make the connection you crave.

Whether from fear of being hurt (been there) or from some longing for your ex something in your head is holding you back and right now you need help first recognising what that is and secondly learning how to get past it and be happy again.

ash23

You might be over her as a person. But that doesn't mean you are over what she did to you.

I think that you're ready to date but not ready for a serious relationship so you avoid getting to that point.
A bit more time and you'll find yourself ready again is my guess. And then you'll meet someone who is worth the risk of getting hurt and you'll take the chance again.

LegacyUser

I think the OP could easily be over his ex, and that the only reason he put so much emphasis on exactly HOW MUCH he is over her, is because he was pre-empting people saying "you're not over your ex", so he just wanted to make it really really clear.

That being said I think this may be a case of "once bitten, twice shy". Whilst he may be over his ex as in he feels absolutely no more romantic feelings towards her, he may stay still remember the pain the split with her caused. So maybe as others have mentioned he is subconsciously just avoiding getting to close to anyone to avoid being hurt again?
If you do want a relationship OP, you will at some stage have to just take the plunge and risk wearing your heart on your sleeve for awhile in order to get a relationship going. Both parties are taking a risk of the heart when a new relationship is starting, but if nobody took that risk there would be no more relationships.

I would also ask yourself do you really WANT to be in a relationship at all?
At the end of your post you just seem most worried about hurting a girl's feelings, and not actually most worried about remaining single.
Are you only seeking a relationship because you think it's what's you are "supposed" to do, or because it's "the norm". If so your heart won't really be in it, and you might just be looking for something more casual for the time being. As long as you make that clear to girls there is absolutely noting wrong with that at all. Maybe after a 7 year relationship, you just want to enjoy some casual dating for now, and there is not anything wrong with that as long as you never pretend that you want something serious with a person you do not want to be serious with.

If however you really DO want a relationship, then I refer back to my second paragraph, and suggest that when you do find somebody you really like, ask yourself why you are not giving it a shot. If it is fear of getting hurt then you are going to have to just risk it at some stage to get something going. If it is REALLY just the simple fact that you meet girls you like but don't like enough to have a relationship with, well then keep looking! Don't just settle, but make sure you are dismissing someone for lack of spark rather than out of fear.
Best of Luck.
:-)

curlzy

I think you just haven't met the right girl yet. Maybe you just have to REALLY feel it in order to feel it if you know what I mean? Like maybe it takes a very special girl to make your light shine. So why force it? I'm sure when the right girl comes along she'll make your light shine and you'll be so excited to arrange more dates and see her again. I think you shoud just enjoy dating and being single and not stress about Ms Right. I'm sure it's the same rule for guys as for girls, i.e. as soon as you stop stressing about it the right one will come along.

Best of luck : )

Katy89

I believe you that you are over your ex.
but as others already mentioned, I think you are not over the disappointment and the hurt she caused you. (can emphasize in this, as I'm in kind of the same boat:))

You are probably a sensitive guy and it might take longer for you to get over this hurt than for others.
and you don't seem to be the person who's messing with the girls just for a bit of fun or an ego boost which is very, very respectable of you!!

so just be patient and don't pressurize yourself.
if the right girl appears you'll wake up the next morning and the first thing you'll want to do is see her or talk to her;)

Ickle Magoo

I think there could well be a mixture of things at play OP.

It takes a lot of spark/attraction to hold a relationship together for 7 years, you aren't going to run into someone who does that every week so I think you have to be realistic here OP. Meeting people that really turn our heads/hearts is special, it's not surprising now you've had that once that you are looking for something that special again or not considering it worth the effort.

Just be wary you recognise that the feelings and sentiments you have after 7 years together took time to develop and grow - make sure you aren't viewing potential mates through the old rose tinted spectacles and dismissing them before anything great has a chance to develop.

It might also just be you aren't ready to invest so much time/effort/emotion yet - after 1.5yrs deliberately out the dating scene that only gives you 1.5 yrs back in it, which really isn't that long to either find someone really special or be completely ready to re-invest in another relationship after a very long term relationship.

All the best

Sheog

Do you think Op, that maybe you have given up before you've even gone on the date? I say this because you refer to your ex as 'the girl of your dreams'.

It seems to me that whether you realise it or not, you believe that you have already met the girl of your dreams and this leaves no opportunity for anyone new. The girls you are dating don't stand a chance as a result.

I am going through the exact same thing. I was madly in love with my ex and we were together for 6 years, and he absolutely smashed my heart into a million pieces. I played the 'single but not interested in a relationship game' for about 2 or 3 years and met lost of great guys, but none of them measured up because they were not 'the love of my life' who I believed I had already met.

It was a close friend of mine who pointed that out to me, saying that it's the reason why no guy stands a chance with me. I am over the hurt, and ready for something new... though I wish I hadn't wasted so much time!

Hope this helps, best of luck!

ongarboy

OP - maybe you are not ready for dating again yet? This does not mean you are not over your ex but the fact that every girl you've been with since does not interest you beyond the first date in most cases suggests to me that you are not willing to pursue or make effort with new women. Surely, they were not all that bad? I imagine a single lad on the look out for a new relationship but with no breakup baggage would not feel that sense of boredom or readiness to flee after one or two dates with new women.

I think you have gotten over your girlfriend per se maybe, just not over the fact that someone who you loved with all your heart took that happiness and security away and you fear someone else doing the same thing, hence your subconscious self not allowing you to get close to any new girls?

If you feel you keep running around in circles repeating this scenario, maybe counseling could help you find the answers?

tbh

the yardstick you have for measuring a relationship is your previous relationship, and not just that, but the bit at the end of the three years, and not just that, but a relationship in which you thought everything was grand, and you were happy.

So basically, in your head, you're thinking: "Do I like this girl I met once as much as the girl I went out with for three years in a relationship where everything was perfect right until it was over?"

If you keep meeting girls, and stay in the game, you'll meet a girl that you'll want to see again, and again, and again, and eventually you won't be comparing her to your ex. Don't worry, and don't overthink it.

Merkin

curlzy wrote: »

I think you just haven't met the right girl yet. Maybe you just have to REALLY feel it in order to feel it if you know what I mean? Like maybe it takes a very special girl to make your light shine. So why force it? I'm sure when the right girl comes along she'll make your light shine and you'll be so excited to arrange more dates and see her again. I think you shoud just enjoy dating and being single and not stress about Ms Right. I'm sure it's the same rule for guys as for girls, i.e. as soon as you stop stressing about it the right one will come along.

Best of luck : )

100% agree with this. I reckon that you're merely feeling "meh" about the girls you have encountered because you haven't met the right one yet. It's not about being over your ex. No matter how well mended your poor little heart is you are always going to carry a little scar and residual hurt around with you, it doesn't mean you're not ready to move on or anything.

What I would say though is the right one may not be immediately apparent to you. So by that I mean if you go and have a date with a lovely girl whom you find attractive and had good fun with then you should push yourself to go on that second date. I think true, long lasting and sustainable love often doesn't happen at first sight and maybe you're waiting for some unrealistic fireworks moment to happen when you haven't actually given a good girl a decent chance. So perhaps you need to be a little bit more open-minded about the course true love takes! Your light hasn't gone out at all but you might have it on the dimmer switch by mistake

LegacyUser

Hi OP, long time boardsie but going anon for this. I know exactly how you feel. Back in 2009 i thought i had met the girl of my dreams but 9 months later it fell apart and i was gutted but i told myself i was ok. Kept plugging on, had to deal with other setbacks, she contacted me again but it came to nothing.
Thought i was over her then found out she was happily living with someone else last year and i was gutted. Thought id let the boat go by. Over the months it became easier to deal with it and then the first day i started back at college this gorgeous girl with a bubbly and warm personality, walked in to the room and she knocked the absolute socks off me.

I Thought id never look at someone the way i used look at my ex again but there she was and the first week we got on like a house on fire. I dont get to talk to her as much now although me and this girl get on reasonably well. I fancy the pants off her though we are in a small course so i dont want to be too rash and create awkwardness for the next 6 months.

Now my designs may come to nothing but nevertheless it proves that there is always another girl, another day, another place. While your alive and well with blood pumping through your veins and air entering and exiting your lungs then there is always a new experience waiting to be experienced, but if you believe it wont happen then you draw further negative energy to yourself. Be open to every possibility.