girlfriends family trying to drag her down..

danny1111

A bit of a long story but I'm trying to keep it as short as I can!I met my girlfriend about seven years ago, it wasn't long into the relationship when I started to notice that her family, especially the mother were very controlling of her. She had a 6 year old child from a previous relationship and her mother pretty much used the child to keep my girlfriend almost prisoner in the family home! ( girlfriends mother refused to babysit, wouldn't allow her to get a babbysitter in, or for the child to go to a baby sitter) To pay her way she had to basically do every scrap of housework, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes for her mother and three brothers, all while also working a full time job from home while handing over almost every penny she earned.She had almost zero self belief & confidance and felt so trapped and depressed. After about 9-10 months I finally talked her into leaving home and getting her own place. she did this, and for about a year and a half she got daily abusive texts and phone calls, usually in the evenings when her mother was p***ed drunk ( mostly about me and how I was a p**ck and was using her, even though I was paying all her bills and helping out as much as I could)Things settled down for her, and fast forwarding a few years we're living together, got engaged and also had a baby.But over the last year or so her family, who have never, ever had a single job between them have managed to talk her into quitting her job, arrive over to the house early in the day and talk her into buying them drink or taking them to the pub. Some times they even arrive on our doorstep in a taxi without the fare to pay, and every time she forks out.Just this week they even had the cheek to take her child out of school early and ring her to get her to come down to the pub to collect him, and sure while your here you can get us a few drinks.Has anyone else had experience of a partners controlling, freeloading family.how do you get someone to stand up for themselves and firmly say no.Things were great for a few years but she just seems to be turning back into her old meek self of been used.I'm starting to think its time to give up and just walk away.any ideas????cheers in advance!!

ABajaninCork

It's a tough one this. Have you sat down with your girlfriend and really TALKED about what's going on. Does she realise every time she gives her family money it's taking the bread from her own children's mouths?

Why has she packed in her job? What is she doing for money? If it's a case of your salary going into the bank and she draws when needed, then I'm afraid you'll have to take away the card.

What's much more concerning is that fact that her parents can apparently take the older child out of school without the mother's permission. Why is that happening? Your girlfriend needs to nip this in the bud NOW. What if the child's taken and there's an accident? She must write to the school and inform them that only YOU or HER can take the child out. Nobody else.

If they arrive to your house in a taxi without the means to pay the fare. Tough. Don't pay it. Tell them to sort it out with the driver.

Once again, I urge you to talk to her. Be calm. Tell her what you've told us. Maybe write it down before you speak, if you like to make sure you out across your point of view.

Good luck!

danny1111

oh its been talked about alright, again & again & again....Just don't seem to be getting through! she agrees with me when we discuss it, but then it happens again.The reason she gave up work was because they convinced her she doesn't need to work and that she'd be better off staying at home full time for the sake of the kids. but from where I'm standing, its so they can use her for free drinks. The issue isn't the money, I run my own successful company and if I took away her cards it would be kinda taking away her freedom which I don't want to do.As for taking the child out of school without permission, I dealt with that one harshly myself, just brought it up as I was horrified when I found out.the problem is she's just too soft when it comes to her family and I've just run out of things to say on the whole matter!I also don't want to turn into the type of controlling person that her mother was when she lived at home, basically running her life for her

KKkitty

This is a terrible situation. Your girlfriend's so called family should not take her child out of school and bring him to a pub. Your girlfriend should ban them from your home and cease all contact with them until they've shown her some respect. I think she's afraid of them somewhat. She needs to toughen up and tell them where to go.

ABajaninCork

Your GF has serious self-esteem issues. Does SHE want to work? Doesn't matter what her family think. It's between her and you.

Whilst I see what you're saying about her freedom, I sure as hell wouldn't want to work so hard for my money, so that her useless family can **** it up the wall! I would really think about taking the cards, even if just for a while. Sounds old-fashioned, but give her an allowance, weekly or monthly. When that goes, she gets nothing more until the next 'payday'. Sorry to sound hard.

Have you suggested counselling - for her to work on the self-esteem, and couples for you both so that you can thrash out the issues in a neutral atmosphere?

danny1111

I think I'll give the allowance / wage idea a go, I'd never have thought of that! cheers for the feed back
And yes, I know she was happier when she was working, but they more or less put it to her that she was a bad mother by not staying home full time..a bit of emotional blackmail there
oh, and they also convinced her that I pulled strings to get her job for her and that she didn't get it on her own merits which made her feel very low in her job before she left

ABajaninCork

Yeah. Pay the bills, but give her an allowance for the shopping/clothing/kids stuff. That's the only way she can see what her family's doing...

P. Breathnach

danny1111 wrote: »

... if I took away her cards it would be kinda taking away her freedom ...

Just to focus on this: do you not think that her family are taking away her freedom instead? Which is better: that her freedom be constrained by somebody who has her best interests at heart, or by people who seek to take advantage of her? I think it is good that you are going with the allowance idea.

The school should be told that only your girlfriend (and you, if she agrees) has the right to deal with them.

I agree with ABajainCork that your girlfriend needs to get to a point where she can resist her family's demands. That needs a lot of work (and patience). Counselling might indeed be the answer.

Herrick

Just re the "allowance" idea. If her family have been this good at talking her into quitting her job and making her think she wasn't good enough to get the job on her own merits, what might they convince her about her partner once they hear he's only giving her a set amount of money?

While I feel this allowance is a great idea, at the same time God knows what they could twist it into and her into thinking? I can see lot's of "he's controlling you dear, what man would do that? Next he'll be stopping you from meeting friends and leaving the house"

P. Breathnach

Herrick wrote: »

Just re the "allowance" idea. If her family have been this good at talking her into quitting her job and making her think she wasn't good enough to get the job on her own merits, what might they convince her about her partner once they hear he's only giving her a set amount of money?

While I feel this allowance is a great idea, at the same time God knows what they could twist it into and her into thinking? I can see lot's of "he's controlling you dear, what man would do that? Next he'll be stopping you from meeting friends and leaving the house"

That is a possibility to be borne in mind, but it should be weighed against the present fact that her family are already causing problems. Either OP (hopefully with the co-operation of his partner) tries to deal with the problem, or he gives up.

Herrick

P. Breathnach wrote: »

That is a possibility to be borne in mind, but it should be weighed against the present fact that her family are already causing problems. Either OP tries to deal with the problem, or he gives up.

Agreed. I guess it's worth trying compared to the alternative of having to end things.

ABajaninCork

What the girlfriend needs to realise is this: Her immediate family are her partner and her kids, who should be the first priority. NOT her freeloading, ****-taking, lazy, feckless, parasitic parents and siblings!

That's why I think counselling for her is so important. She needs to see this and take steps to sort the problem out.

Esoteric_

I definitely agree with encouraging her to go for counselling.

This is an issue which will (if it's not already) affect your relationship. Ultimately she has to decide which is more important - her happiness, or her family's alcohol issues?

She needs to realise that she cannot make everybody else happy, she needs to make herself happy.

No matter what you do or don't do, her family will paint you in a bad light.

It sounds as though you've said all that can be said, but why are you paying for her to pay for her family's drink and taxis? Tell them to jog on, and tell her she's only getting money for things for HERSELF and your family.

If she refuses counselling, or refuses to stand up to her family (saying she'll do it is not the same as actually doing it!), you have to decide if you can live under the shadow of an abusive family who she will always put first before her own family.

curlzy

Wow. Your girlfriend is very very very lucky to have you. Fair play to you, you sound like a very fair and generous partner and patient to boot! So yeah fair play for that. Honestly this comes down to control; her family's control over her (guilt, manipulation) -V- your control over her (money). Ultimately what's really needed is for her to be in control of herself. The only way that will happen is with good unbiased counselling and her participating 100% in that. If I were you I'd print out this thread, show her the thread, tell her how unhappy all of this is making you, and if all else fails, an ultimatum = she goes to counselling or you walk.

It certainly sounds like her family is toxic (I've some myself so I know), please be careful they don't poison your family too!

djimi

Have you considered the possibility of moving away from her family altogether? Make a clean break and a fresh start? Put more than a cab rides distance between you and the family and see if things improve. I know its not easy when you have kids in school or whatever.

CarMe

OP you sound lovely so Im sorry to offend but Im a mother myself and no matter how timid I am, I would never allow people into my home -my child's home- to drink for the day or bringing people to the pub for the day when Im looking after my child. I also wouldn't allow someone talk me into giving up my job and sponge off my partner-totally different situation if it actually pays for one parent to stay home don't get me wrong- but I don't really buy this, your partners children should come first not anybody else.

ibarelycare

I can't add much to the advice already given, but one thing that stood out to me is that your girlfriend's family took her child out of school. Why were they allowed do this? If you haven't already, I would be having a stern word with the school and tell them that no one is allowed take the child out of school except for you or your girlfriend.

danny1111

Thanks for all the feed back, seem to be making a bit of progress so far. What we have done so far is,

1. Had a meeting with the school and creche-neither child can be taken out of school by anybody other than myself and g.f without confirmation in advance by ringing my or her number. I also had a local garda have a few words with her family about what will happen the next time they remove a minor without consent from parent/gaurdian

2. She is going to come and work in my office ( her family wouldn't step foot near there)

3. Had a talk about counselling, but she doesn't want to as she knows its been a ridiculous situation and she let it go too far and said she's going to tell them clearly to go f**k themselves if they try to pull anymore crap.

4. I also showed her this thread and the response of everybody to what her family are like - bit of an eye opener to her.

So we'll see how things go for now, thanks again!

Taltos

OP - not putting pressure on you but at some point here you may have to be the baddy in all of this and escort or ban the family from your home. Ideally this should not happen, but once years ago I had to physically escort my father-in-law out of my home and inform him that until he apologised to my wife he was not welcome.

Clearly you don't want to do this as it can backfire and add more pressure to your relationship but in my case I had had enough of the sniping and degrading and insisted on the apology (did that first before throwing him out - as he just laughed initially). I am NOT recommending you do this - but it might be necessary, I am not kidding when I say it can really blow up in your own face...

I still think counselling would be good. But maybe couples counselling - help you both learn to rely on each other more - it is OK to do so, actually if I couldn't lean on my wife sometimes or vice-versa think I would go mad.