Guilted into staying with him

LegacyUser

Me and my bf are going out almost a year and a half now. At the start it was wonderful, and I was really happy. After a few months, there was a few jealousy issues, mostly on his side. But we always moved on.
In the past few months I guess I've started to be less happy. At the start I ignored this feeling and told myself it was just stress from college and it would all be better again when I was finished. But it isn't.
I told him a few weeks back I wasn't sure if I was happy anymore. He told me he didn't like how I didn't send lovey emails and messages anymore. I tried and all, but I couldn't force myself to do it, as I was starting to fall out of love. Anyway, we had a bit of a talk about this, and I said, you know, maybe its a passing phase, I'll get over it, and I'd try make a more concerted effort to make things better. And the next night was better...although somewhat uncomfortable for me. But better than it had been. However, later on, an issue arose and we had an argument again. And I guess it's gone downhill FAST from then.

I had been thinking for weeks about breaking it off, but kept saying "next week" to myself. He has just got a new job and is under stress financially and all that so I wanted to leave that settle down.

The other day I once again expressed I wasn't happy, and I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore. And I basically tried breaking up with him. In fact I pretty much had. He asked me would this make me any happier. And I said, of course I'm not happy about it, and I will feel crap for a while, so he basically figured that I may as well stay with him than be unhappy alone. He suggested going to counselling, but...I don't think he gets that I just don't feel the same anymore, and no counsellor is going to make me fall back in love. He eventually broke down and started crying. And it broke my heart...so I eventually agreed to try one more time. Bad idea I know.
So I've been feeling terrible, wondering how to do this. I knw we had amazing times together and it breaks my heart to let it go, but I just can't go on pretending I'm still in love, when I'm not.

I've always been a pushover, and it took weeks to break up with my ex a number of years back. I just can't deal with emotional guilt and I break under any of this pressure.

I don't know how to do this. I do really care for him, but I just can't be with him anymore, for both our sakes. But I just don't have to guts to do it. I'm terrified he will start crying again and begging me to stay with him, and the last thign I want to do is hurt him, but I know if I stay with him the hurt will just be worse.

I don't know how to do this.

ash23

OP you know what you have to do. Just do it. You aren't being fair to him at all by doing a "half assed" breakup because if you leave him any hope at all he will cling to it. You have to just be clear about what you mean when you are talking to him.
He obviously still loves you and wants to try and make it work but you don't feel the same way. It may seem awful to be blunt but trust me, he will be worse off if you string him along for another few months before dumping him.

If you live with him, find a new place to live and then break it to him that you are leaving. It is much harder for him to coax you back into the relationship if you have plans in place. It will also show him that you mean what you say.
With regards to his new job, there will never be a good time. He settles into the job and then what? It's Christmas. You can't dump someone at Christmas. Or Valentines day. And on and on it goes.

If you don't live with him, then you need to show him in another way that you are serious. Have the talk. Be kind but clear. Tell him there is no hope for the relationship, that it is over and that you are not willing to work on it anymore. You don't love him anymore and while he is lovely etc, he is just not the right person for you.
Don't be vague or non-committal about it. Rip of the plaster. He probably will cry and beg you not to do it but stick to your guns and once you've said your piece, leave. Don't offer friendship or to stay in contact. Tell him you both need time to heal and that it's better you don't contact each other for a while.

Don't answer his calls or texts. It's better for him to cut all contact.

LegacyUser

I'm actually you two months on. I was in the eact same situation, down to the telling him I no longer loved him but getting the crying guilt trip into trying to love him again.

So I did try, I tried to feel what I had felt at the start and tried to reconnect with him but honestly, he wasnt even there to reconnect with because his defenses were up. He knew he was going to get hurt so HE was no longer willing to try too. Not that it would have made a difference for me, maybe it might have but I dont think so... Anyway my point is that a) its already over at this point and b) he knows that its over he's just not willing to face it yet. My absolute reluctance to hurt him made me stay with him for way longer than I should. Realistically this is a waste of precious time for everyone involved.

A time later we did break up and were both quite 'happy' that its over, we both realise it had to be done and are moving on and doing all your supposed to do to get over someone. Also, dont expect because you really want out that you'l be immune to feeling low and sad afterwards, and definately dont let those feelings push you back in(another of my mistakes you can learn from!). Good luck with it all, breaking up is a part of life,you will both be absolutely fine!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I went ahead and did it yesterday. He freaked out and has made it extremely difficult, between coming out to my house when I wasn't home and demanding that I get back to making me feel even more guilty and being sarcastic and just horrible to me really. I called out again today to explain again, because apparently my reason of not being in love anymore isn't "good enough".
I feel terrible but I know it was the right thing to do. I just wish he could understand.

feelingguilty

feelingguilty wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I went ahead and did it yesterday. He freaked out and has made it extremely difficult, between coming out to my house when I wasn't home and demanding that I get back to making me feel even more guilty and being sarcastic and just horrible to me really. I called out again today to explain again, because apparently my reason of not being in love anymore isn't "good enough".
I feel terrible but I know it was the right thing to do. I just wish he could understand.

Nothing you can say will make him understand, because he just doesn't want to. Don't waste yourself trying to explain again. Cut contact now and move on. Good work on finally ending it.

LegacyUser

Well done OP, you have made the right decision for both of you.

In my situation my ex got a little nasty about getting his stuff back, he was just sad and angry. It actually made my life easier for a time, its much easier being angry at someone rather than feeling guilty cause they're sad!He's cooled off now after a few weeks and we're back to civil speaking terms, though not friends.

He does get it, he definately gets i. But he is sad and angry so he's going to probably be a nasty sh*ite for a while and nothing you say or do will make him any better, only time to cool down. Try stay out of his way and out of his arguments as much as possible, its only fuel to the flame. And good luck, your future is your own once again :-)

John Mason

Well done - now you need to break all ties. The text/phone you receive from him just calming say, "I no long want to be in a relationship with you, therefore I will not be responding to anymore texts/phone calls"

If you dont break all ties, he will drag you back in.

ManOfMystery

He's angry and upset at the moment, but time will pass and he'll see that this was the best course of action in the long term. There is absolutely no point in two people staying together if one of them is not in love with the other, it will may take years but it will fall apart in the end - or else they'll stay together but one will be miserable.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

The other night I got some really horrible messages from him again. Te next morning he tried coming to my houses, so I compromised and said I would meet him in town.
He told me that I have to get back with him, but I refused. Eventually everything calmed down and we spoke as normal. I told him I just want to be friends. We got on okay like that. When I left he started crying again and asking me to reconsider.
I am now getting emails and texts, saying he will try be friends with me if possible but he knows we can work out.
I'm scared of once again saying that I don't want to be with him, but I know I have to. I'm going to write him an email, and try be as detailed and understanding as Possible toward him. I would like to be friends, but I know that probably won't work out.

I know if he just let's it happen, he will be fine. But it's like talking to a brick wall.

Thanks again for the support. It really hasn't been easy. I've even felt scared sometimes the last few days about him showing up at mine or about him doing something stupid, and nobody has ever said such hurtful things to me before. But I know I have to just do it and not let him try pull me back. A very hard thing to do.

Taltos

OP - one thing - your offering to be friends with him - he is seeing this as a sign it is not over.

Suggest that in your next and last correspondence just keep it simple to make it clear:
> "It is over!" - do NOT get drawn into a discussion. If needed just repeat "It is over" or "you are not listening, it is over"
> "We clearly cannot be friends as you do not respect my decision."
> "Wish you all the best in your life but for both our sakes we need to stop all contact, I will be removing your number and facebook links etc."
>"Do not call to my house or ring me, if you do so I will inform the gardai that you are harrassing me." - not kidding here, if you are scared then you have a reason to be and a visit to your local office might be needed, though hopefully not.

If you could stay with some friends for a while or have someone stay with you for a few days or over the weekend that might also be good.
Keep all correspondence - just in case this does turn nasty, including keeping a diary of all of his attempts to get in touch.

stargazer 68

Feelingguilty wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.

The other night I got some really horrible messages from him again. Te next morning he tried coming to my houses, so I compromised and said I would meet him in town.
I am now getting emails and texts, saying he will try be friends with me if possible but he knows we can work out.
I'm scared of once again saying that I don't want to be with him, but I know I have to. I know if he just let's it happen, he will be fine. But it's like talking to a brick wall.

.

Op you have done your best now its time for tough love. Stop meeting him and explaining yourself. You have done that already. You can't be friends with this guy - he simply won't accept that. Be clear with your message - you don't want to see him anymore and thats it.

djimi

You cannot be friends with him. Its not fair to lead him on into thinking that any kind of relationship can exist between you. You need to cut all contact and make it clear to him why. You need to be as forceful as possible in making him realise that he cannot contact you. He needs to accept that he has to move on; that there is nothing left for him to hold onto.

LegacyUser

Yeah, ye are right.

I sent him an email telling him once again that I'm sorry, but I don't want and will not have a relationship with him anymore and not to contact each other.

Thanks again

That's good, OP. Don't send any more, don't respond to meeting requests, don't do anything. The longer you do, it means the longer he gets attention from you, and the longer it will take for him to get the message to leave you alone.

username123

You have to be very firm, and you have to be very clear.

It is totally pointless saying 'its over, I dont want any more contact' and then meeting up and saying 'maybe we can be friends' - its only prolonging the agony and giving false hope.

No more contact, everytime you break that you induce another round of the guilts and crying.

John Mason

Stop replying to his texts/email and phone now.

You are just going to have to ignore him. you cannot be friends with him. its not fair on him or you