Looks like I've been burnt again

LegacyUser

Hi,
I was seeing this guy for a while about 4 years ago but things ran its course after a few months.

During the summer we began talking about us again and after serious (sober) talks we said we would give things a proper go this time. I was cagey at first because the last time we were together he ended things by going cold and distant on me and I had to confront him but he reassured me that would never happen again because I explained how badly it hurt me.

So fast forward to now I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks (I'm away for part of the week so weekends were out usual meet up times) and barely heard from him. We should have met up last weekend but he had no phone (roll-eyes) and nothing from him since. I called him earlier in the week but it rang out and text him last night asking to meet up....nothing. I am frustrated beyond belief because I can't think of a single reason he would do this, we were getting on so well. I have accepted that he's being a coward and can't man up and tell me what's happened but I just wish I could see him face to face and tell him how much he's hurt me and I have many unanswered questions. I thought I meant more to him after all this time.

Sadly it looks like I have lost a very close friend too. We have mutual friends also and where I'm from is not a big place so we will run into each other at some point but he is taking the option of burying his head in the sand for now and its killing me.

Has anybody had any experience like this or how did you/would you deal with it? I'm so cut up right now, I'm stone mad about him and his friends said he felt the same about me. Regardless of the reason for this, what's upsetting me is he didn't have the decency to communicate with me even though that's the one thing we agreed to work on.

I know people will say cut your losses, move on etc. but this is more complicated because we have a lot more history than this situation in terms of friends/personal issues that we helped eachother through. It sucks

stargazer 68

coldcold wrote: »

Hi,
I know people will say cut your losses, move on etc. but this is more complicated because we have a lot more history than this situation in terms of friends/personal issues that we helped eachother through. It sucks

Unfortunately OP that part seems to only matter to you. If it mattered to him he wouldnt be doing this. Im afraid cut your losses is all you can do. Confronting him about how he has hurt you won't work, it may only make you feel worse if he simply doesn't care.

curlzy

I can't get over the amount of assh*les we have in this country. OP have a look at the other threads so you don't think it's just you going through this. So far today I've read about a guy who's wife is having an affair and about a woman who's fella is letting her MIL ruin their life. WTF is it with people?Sorry OP, had to get that out.Honestly from what you're saying this guy is a pathetic, selfish, ignorant, mannerless, cowardly assh*le. Why in the name of god are you pining over him? Come on now, you can defo do better than him, my cat can do better than him.I've alot of pride and self-respect. If it were me I'd cut contact completely. And I mean COMPLETELY, don't answer the phone if he rings (although I wouldn't hold my breathe for that). Then if I happen to bump into him hold your head up and act like nothing has happened. If he gets the balls (doubtful) to ask you what's up, just say "ah that was a bit of fling, no need to get all serious ok" and then walk off. If anyone in your little town asks about it, just say you went on a couple of dates and you don't know why he's taking it so serious. STOP BEING AN EGO BOOST! That guy just saw you as a free r*de, he doesn't care at all. He's not your friend.Onwards and upwards OP.

Anny Hall

Hi OP,

Am so sorry for what you are going through. That disappearing routine is one of the worst things to have to experience. It's cruelty of the highest order. Would be so much easier if they called you every name under the sun instead of disappearing without trace.

Had a similar experience myself was broken up with by the guy just disappearing, stopping contact and not responding. At first didn't know what was going on. Was so confused and hurt my head was all over the place. I did track him down a few days later but in hindsight I should have just left it. He was taking the easy way out for him and I didn't want to let him away with it. I never got an explanation but found out later he met someone else and wanted me out of the picture.

Speaks volumes about a persons character that they can treat someone like that. It's cowardly and something very selfish and arrogant about it. I had some doubts about this guy anyways and we weren't together long so I see it as a lucky escape now. I would have hated to being years into it and for that to happen.

Most important thing is not to blame yourself his behaviour is his problem and don't start thinking did I do this, was it something I said, didn't say etc. It's nothing about you. He already behaved badly in the past and most times People don't change. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.


People have very strong views on how you should handle these situations. I would do whatever feels right for you. I would remain dignified but if he does get in contact and you feel like telling him calmly that you see him as a coward or whatever that's your choice. I wouldn't try and contact him but people should realise there are consequences for their actions. You don't just discard people like that.

You have already given him a second chance he deserves nothing more from you. I hope you realise you had a lucky escape and while its painful will get better in time.

Take care

IrishEyes19

coldcold wrote: »

Hi,
I was seeing this guy for a while about 4 years ago but things ran its course after a few months.

During the summer we began talking about us again and after serious (sober) talks we said we would give things a proper go this time. I was cagey at first because the last time we were together he ended things by going cold and distant on me and I had to confront him but he reassured me that would never happen again because I explained how badly it hurt me.

So fast forward to now I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks (I'm away for part of the week so weekends were out usual meet up times) and barely heard from him. We should have met up last weekend but he had no phone (roll-eyes) and nothing from him since. I called him earlier in the week but it rang out and text him last night asking to meet up....nothing. I am frustrated beyond belief because I can't think of a single reason he would do this, we were getting on so well. I have accepted that he's being a coward and can't man up and tell me what's happened but I just wish I could see him face to face and tell him how much he's hurt me and I have many unanswered questions. I thought I meant more to him after all this time.

Sadly it looks like I have lost a very close friend too. We have mutual friends also and where I'm from is not a big place so we will run into each other at some point but he is taking the option of burying his head in the sand for now and its killing me.

Has anybody had any experience like this or how did you/would you deal with it? I'm so cut up right now, I'm stone mad about him and his friends said he felt the same about me. Regardless of the reason for this, what's upsetting me is he didn't have the decency to communicate with me even though that's the one thing we agreed to work on.

I know people will say cut your losses, move on etc. but this is more complicated because we have a lot more history than this situation in terms of friends/personal issues that we helped eachother through. It sucks

History means nothing, OP, when the person isn't keeping promises or making you happy. I know you don't want negative responses telling you to move on. But I think the posters here would be doing you a terrible wrong if they lied to you to make you think this relationship is worthwhile.

Everyone has history with someone, OP. Years of being with someone and loving them but the stories all have the common pattern. Nothing has changed.

The point here is, if this guy really wanted to make a fresh start and be with you, his first priority would be to rectify the mistakes from the past. And he hasn't.

I genuinely understand you must feel all over the place right now. You care about him so anyone telling you any different is hard for you and it doesnt change the fact that you have feelings for him. But theres only so many times someone can let you down before they leave you in a mess, OP. I've been there and its a nasty place to have to come back from when you realise how badly the person has treated you. He doesnt care, OP, if this truly upsets you. He wouldnt do it. Please move on and burry him in the past. Every text you send and everytime you forgive him and and try again, just tells him you are willing to let it go everytime and he can come and go as he pleases.

Personally I dont think he will change. And as for dealing with and getting over it. Its a day by day process. some days are crap, others are better but eventually it lessens and you get going again. the old cliches of getting up early, out of the house, good friends and laughter and fun events rings true. And you eventually sit up and wonder why you allowed someone to hurt you so much and the worst part, why you kept going back. So make a decision now to take care of you and you only. theres nothing to lose here, all you doing is enduring your well-being. if he truly cared, this would be devestating for him. good luck op

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks so much for all your responses, some things that you have said really made me sit up and think that's exactly how I feel and its what's going on in my head only I couldn't put it into words!

Well an update on the situation ... Over the weekend with the help and advice of family and good friends I've been coming to terms with maybe he actually doesn't care about me like I thought and was actually doing ok. Logged onto Facebook tonight and up pops a message apologising for no contact due to his "phone being out of service" and he was so very sorry that he was unable to see me this weekend. Like hell he's sorry, what about the other 6 days that have passed where I've been fretting about what I could have done to deserve silence. He told me he would text me tomorrow, I didn't reply to his email and I will not be holding my breath about a text tomorrow.

This is so weird, why would he go all this time with no contact, send me a flaky Facebook message after a week and expect me to just dance into his arms again.
I'll see what this text (if it comes) brings tomorrow but after what you guys have reminded me about and thinking about it all weekend (also acted allll sorts of scenarios out in my head of what I'd love to say if I got a chance!) I'm of a very different opinion since last week about it and I will not let him worm his way back in the easy way he probably thinks he has it. If he's playing mind-games and keeping me hanging on he picked a bad recipient!...

Taltos

OP - in all seriousness I really dislike using Facebook, however while his phone was out of service - could he not have sent you a message.
Suggest you delete / block him immediately, the last thing you need is his timely messages messing you about.

curlzy

So you're starting to see the wood from the trees eh? Or more correctly, the selfish, game-playing, hurtful, childish, w*anker from everyone else : ) LOL, glad to see you're starting to see him for what he is OP - a disease! Stay strong and angry OP, don't let him worm his way back in! You deserve way better and you'll find way better.

LegacyUser

OP here once again,

Once again thanks for all your advice, its just a pity I didn't post in here a few months earlier!
Went a week with no contact, I got seriously fed up and asked yesterday morning to meet up last night when I returned home for the weekend....no reply until 10pm where it was a case of oh sorry its too late to meet up now.

He proceeded to text me saying he doesn't think this is working hence the poor contact (seriously?!) He doesn't know what it is with us but it wasn't happening for him....his head is all over the place, I deserve better etc. Not a single hint of what I may have thought, nothing. Just a cold hard, self-made decision. What killed me most is he did it by text

I haven't replied to it because it really stung and I am actually considering not even responding, let him have a taste of his own style? He refuses to meet up so not going to bring that up because I'd be banging off a brick wall.

At least I know where I stand and its another chapter I can firmly shut. He's also lost me as a friend because of his cowardly approach. I can finally begin the not-so-fun process of moving on .... I can take this as a learning curve if anything!

IrishEyes19

OP, exactly, do not reply. However be warned most likely he will crop up in the future some random night with a text ect. That is where you have to be strong. If you are ending it here, end it here! Dont let his worm his way back into your life only to hurt you again. Because he will and you know that. Block him on facebook and delete his number. Its the only way to be completely free.

I sense now you are in the high of the situation. Emotions are all over the place and its easy at this stage to be all "to hell with him. I'm better than this," ect. And you are by the way. But that level of emotion will decrease as the next few days come and you hit a low where you dont feel so good. Its just the classic feelings that come with break ups/fights and so you need to be prepared for this, you dont want to ruin everything by texting/facebooking him on a day you aren't feeling too great. Best of luck!!

sullies

OP, this guy is not interested and to be honest you should treat him with the same level of disinterest as he has shown you. You are clearly not happy and what is the point in being unhappy in any relationship. Move on, cut ties and be with someone who makes you happy.

Lorna123

Don't reply, but if you are strongly urged to reply just say "that's fine, thanks for letting me know" and leave it at that. Do not ask him for any explanations, you don't need any, his actions explain everything you need to know i.e. he is not interested. You don't need to ask him why he changed his mind, why he went back on his word or how he can be so cruel. None of his answers will alter the fact that he is not interested. Pass no heed on what his friends say either, his actions speak louder than any words you will hear. And above all do not relate any of this to any of your mutual friends. Just say it is done and dusted and you don't want to talk about it and leave it at that. It is rotten, horrible and awful to experience something like this OP but we have all been there. The best thing you can do now is steer clear of this guy and don't be taken in by him ever again.