One Child Family - is it that bad?

LegacyUser

Hi All,
I have come to a point in my life where I have to make a huge decision and I don't know where to turn. To cut a very long story short, my husband and I tried for 7 years to have a baby and finally our amazing son came along in early 2009. But in those 7 years I was pumped full of drugs constantly, had several surgeries - both minor and major, and we suffered two miscarriages. Most likely because of everything we went through before he arrived I suffered bad post natal depression and didn't bond with my son until he was over 2 years old. I spent those two years on anti-depressants and going to counselling. I had never really prepared myself for being a mother as I had spent so many years convincing myself that it would never happen.
Anyway, things are now wonderful on that front and I can never imagine my life without my beautiful, smart, amazing little boy.
As soon as I started to return to my old self we started trying for baby #2. This has involved more hormones and drugs, more surgery - again minor and major - and sadly, another miscarriage which just happened three months ago.
My husband and I have recently been talking about giving up on the idea of trying for another baby and being happy with our fantastic son. But the guilt of never giving him a sibling is eating me up and I don't know if I could live with it. I dread the questions from him as he gets older, and I feel very selfish at the thought of giving up, because it's the "easy" option for us. The thought of a life without drugs, grief, pressure, heartache and pain is very appealing - not to mention how we would be financially better off.
I suppose I'm asking if life as an only child is really that bad? I am conscious that my son could turn out to be selfish and inconsiderate of others - I know that this is obviously not the case in all only-children, and actually can very often be the case in children from large families - but I also feel I didn't do right by my son for the first two years of his life and I want to do everything I can to enrich his life going forward.
I'm 38, my husband is 41 and the risk of a sick child looms ever closer as we get older. I also think that there comes a point in life where we have to appreciate what we have instead of always striving for what we don't have. My head is a mess at the moment.
Any thoughts or comments? Is being a parent of an only child a very selfish thing to do?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

OP, I understand you're in a difficult place, but I think you're making a fuss about nothing. I am an only child and have always been perfectly happy that way. So have many other only children. Some may wish for siblings - just like some with siblings wish they didn't have any!
There is nothing remotely selfish about it and you have nothing to worry about. Really.

username123

bluewolf wrote: »

OP, I understand you're in a difficult place, but I think you're making a fuss about nothing. I am an only child and have always been perfectly happy that way. So have many other only children. Some may wish for siblings - just like some with siblings wish they didn't have any!
There is nothing remotely selfish about it and you have nothing to worry about. Really.

+1

I dont think you are being selfish at all!!!

SandyRamp

There are many benefits to being an only child OP, and I don't think that your son will in any way feel disadvantaged.

I come from a family of 4 kids, and I often wished there were less of us! Not saying that I don't love my siblings to bits, but everything was a competition- from getting treats to getting our parent's attention! Holidays etc. were few and far between because there was so many of us. Toys, clothes, everything had to be shared and it caused many arguments between the 4 of us. There were definitely elements of selfishness where one would hide something from the others because they did not want to share. On the plus side, we always had somebody to play with.

My daughter, however is an only child at 5 years old, and I am fairly sure it will stay this way. Like you I worried a lot that she would suffer socially etc. due to lack of interaction with other children. When she started montessori I was a bag of nerves worrying about how she would deal with other kids. I couldn't have been more wrong! She made friends so quickly, instead of 'shying away' like a lot of the other kids she would go straight up to them and ask them if they wanted to play with her and be her friend. I received nothing but good reports from her teachers regarding her behaviour. Selfishness was a non-issue, she understood that everyone had to wait their turn.

I think the fact that it was such a new experience for her being around other children is the reason she responded to it so well. I am not saying all children react like this, but I have yet to meet the stereotypical 'spoiled, selfish brat' only child.

Another thing to factor in is your ability to give your son 100% of your attention, plus the obvious financial benefits means you can treat him that little bit more than if you had more kids! I love sitting down and colouring in pictures, making buns, watching movies etc with my little girl. I know that I wouldn't get the chance to do half as many things with her if I had another one or two looking for my undivided attention, especially if there was a big age gap.

There are pros and cons to each, neither is better than the other, and I can't stress enough that being an only child is not a selfish thing at all! Sure there are times when they might be lonely, but there were also times as a kid when I was the same, even with three brothers buzzing around!

Don't stress OP, just enjoy all the extra special times you will get with your little boy. That is the best thing you can do for him

eviltwin

My first child was an only child for 12 years.

In my experience it was always other people who had the problem with it. And they were generally people with more than one child so no real concept of what only kids are like.

My daughter wasn't selfish, she had no problem interacting with other kids, she is 15 now and is just a normal kid. All her friends would have siblings and there is zero difference between them.

People may try and scare you into thinking your son will grow up to be a spoilt brat and will no doubt have a story about some only child who is a complete nightmare but if you are a good parent and are teaching your son good manners he will be fine. I grew up in a big family and my siblings are the most selfish, self centered people I have ever encountered so there is no guarantee with these things

DeltaWhite

Aaah OP you should never feel guilty or think that your son will question/resent you! You have been through an awful lot OP and you shouldnt be putting this kind of pressure on yourself, it's not going to be good for you! You have achieved a great deal, you've gotten through some tough times by the sounds of it Sometimes things just are the way they are and questioning/doubting yourself will only make you feel worse. Even if you dont have any more kids, it is 100% not the end of the world, maybe that's just the way it's meant to be

Beruthiel

Onechildfamily wrote: »

Is being a parent of an only child a very selfish thing to do?

Sorry, but what do you mean by selfish?

I have a daughter, I gave her as good a life as it was possible for me to give her, what more could anyone ask for?
You're thinking too much OP.
Relax and enjoy your child.

btw
Your child will not be spoilt unless you spoil him.
He will not be lonely if you make sure he makes friends and learns how to entertain himself.
It's really that simple.

banie01

Beruthiel wrote: »

btw
Your child will not be spoilt unless you spoil him.
He will not be lonely if you make sure he makes friends and learns how to entertain himself.
It's really that simple.

+1 on this!
Having another child to keep the other company, or to socialize them is farcical!
I'm a firm believer in making sure my son has the social skills and outlets available to him to assure that he has the skills to make friends and socialize without resorting to playing with someone because they are related!

I have 1 child and it will always be one child,(I had a vasectomy at 29 and am widowed)
I am the eldest of 8 and from the time I was 18/19 I'd always planned on having only 1 child if I was lucky enough to have a family.

While I come from a very loving home, the sense of competition and constant sibling rivalry and positioning along with the responsibility that comes with being the eldest...
Being the 'goto' person for all the younger kids, being a babysitter and even surrogate parent at times can be a real burden for a kid and while I'm glad of the sense of responsibility it gave me.
That is not how I wish my son to learn life lessons, or to lose some of his childhood to being a playmate out of some sort of neccesity.

The fact that you had such a hard road to having the child you have now, coupled with the risks that will come with undertaking fertility treatment/IVF what with not knowing how long it will take to conceive, the higher chance of multiple birth not to mention the increased risk of birth mishap or defect that come with later in life pregnancy....
Do you not think its more important that you and your husband 'want' another child?
For yerselves I mean, not as sop to those family and friends who will tell you your 1st born child needs some company.

PSJust to affirm, I don't think for one second think that its selfish to have only 1 child...
Its not an easy option for you and your husband, look at how hard ye have tried and continue to try for number 2...
Anyone who claims that you are selfish for only having 1 child, doesn't have a clue of the effort and struggle ye have both put in to having that 1 child and the bravery ye are showing in going through it all again to try for number 2!
Don't let trying for baby number 2 be a wedge that might break your family given all the effort ye have put in to have the wonderful son ye have now.

Whatever your decision, I'd just like you to know I admire your bravery in your struggle to grow ye're family and become parents.
Wishing you the very best

LegacyUser

Op there is a perception out there that if you only have one child, it will be lonely, spoilt, selfish, needy, introverted etc which is a total load of rubbish. You also get selfish, horrible characters in families of three/ four and five.
I know three people who were only children and personality wise they are outgoing, have a great social circle, I couldn't describe them as lonely, they are constantly doing things and they are just generally nice caring people.

As the end of the day OP you should make the best of what you have, how you rear your child will decide what kind of person he becomes in later life.

Sorcha16

I'm not sure why people are so readily dismissing the OP's concern with such confidence. She's trying to make an enormous life decision, that will impact greatly on the future of her family's life. If that doesn't warrant substantial thought, I don't know what does.

Personally I think that, if at all possible, a sibling is a most wonderful gift to give a child. They offer so much when growing up as friends, mentors, confidantes and generally add much more to family life than they ever take away. I've often heard only children sincerely say that they would have loved to have had a sibling growing up but it's rare to hear someone say they would prefer to be without their siblings and truly mean it.

Obviously there are risks to consider OP and you are absolutely not 'making a fuss about nothing', you are being a sensible and responsible parent. Generally speaking though, I think people only tend to regret the children they don't have as opposed to the ones they do.

LegacyUser

I know you have been through a lot to have your son and had bad post natal depression after having him. One of my friend had a baby though ivf after years of trying so I know how had this treatment is for both you and your husband.
I think that your husband is right in bring up the conversation should we just accept the fact that we have one child. He has seen what you have gone through over the past few years and knows how hard it has been for you.
You are now 38 and your husband is 41 which could give you a higher chance in having a baby with health problems which is hard on any couple or on other children.

I know a few men that are only children.
These men are outgoing, sociable people with lots of friends and they all have good jobs.
There parents though them right from wrong and would not let them away with bad behaviour as they grow up. Also they did not get everything they wanted.
It is expensive to bring up children. You will be in a better financial position with only one child to give him chances to do extra activities and have a good education.
I would enjoy the life you have with your husband and son rather than feeling guilty that you have not having another child. So many people would like what you have.

Cerulean Chicken

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Generally speaking though, I think people only tend to regret the children they don't have as opposed to the ones they do.

That old nugget. Personally speaking (as an only child) I would not put my body, my mental health, my partner and my child through TTC if it was as difficult for the OP as it was the first time around. Being an only child is just a state of being, not an affliction of any sort, and certainly not selfish. I actually think it would be selfish to force a child to be created for your own happiness when nature, medicine and a lot of other factors are preventing it, people should accept their lot in life and be happy with it.

Sorcha16

Cerulean Chicken wrote: »

Being an only child is just a state of being, not an affliction of any sort, and certainly not selfish.

Where did I suggest otherwise?

My main point is that firstly the OP should not be accused of 'making a fuss over nothing' when clearly this is a life-changing decision and secondly, not that her son stands to lose anything as an only child but simply that there can be a lot to be gained from having a sibling.

I'm not even sure this is a suitable topic for feedback as it's so subjective and ultimately, there is no right or wrong, only what suits best for the OP and her family

ABajaninCork

OP. Don't feel guilty. Your health and well-being are important too! Count your blessings.

You are so lucky having ONE child. Sadly, I cannot have any. This isn't a choice I would wish on anyone. Look at your gorgeous little boy and give him a hug. Concentrate on bringing him up to be the best man he can be.

Ah_Yeah

OP, the only people who seem to have a problem with one-child families are people other than the family itself.

I'm an only child, and to be honest, I am so glad I am! Me and my Mum are like best friends, sisters even! We are unbelievably close.

I also think that because I'm an only child, I was (in a good way) encouraged to interact with other children, because I didn't have the crutch of siblings to lean on. This made me very sociable and approachable, and I've never struggled to make friends as a result.

As regards to being spoiled, it's the parents who make the child spoilt, not the fact that it's a one child family. I'm the furthest from spoilt - my mother taught me good values, showed me that if I really wanted something, I could work for it or wait for it. I know children (and even adults) from families with up to 6 siblings and they are the most self-centred, spoilt and snobby people I've ever met.

Just teach your son good values, encourage him to be sociable, and he will grow up to be a great young man!

LegacyUser

As an only child I am once again baffled at the perception of what it is like to be one! I really don't see any difference in myself in any way to my friends and have never felt spoilt or selfish or inconsiderate of others just because I don't have a sibling! If anything I would say it's probably better and I certainly wouldn't worry about having only one child

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I don't know how to respond really. When I said selfish I meant I felt that I feel selfish giving up - when this seems like the easiest option for my husband and I regardless of what is best for my son.
I can see that some of you think I am making a mountain out of a molehill but it is a massive issue for my husband and I. Thanks to those of you who understand that. I just don't want to regret the decision in a few years time when it's too late to go back and try again. I know that it makes sense to focus on what we have and the great life we can give him, but I question whether we could make it better for him by giving him a sibling.
My son's personality probably has a lot to do with my thought process too...he is exceptionally shy and even though he's been in a creche full time since he was 9 months old he is still a very introverted little boy. Over time he has made a lot of little buddies in creche and I suppose this would continue when he starts school etc. My father has a terminal illness and I dread the thought of that happening to me and burdening my son with that responsibility, all on his own, but maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I suppose nobody can live life with "what ifs....??"
Thank you all for your comments. I think Sorcha was right when she said there is no right or wrong. It is a decision we have to make for ourselves, but other peoples perspectives certainly help.

shalalala

I am an only child. I miss having that bond with someone like my friends do with their siblings. However, I am an only child because my mam just couldn't handle it health-wise to have another one.

I have not been spoilt. I have been lonely at times but I have a really good bond with my Mam and I have a very active imagination.

You are not being selfish. TBH it sounds like it would be hellish for you and your family. If I were you I would concentrate on the special family you have now.

There's really no harm in being an only child. I think people are just nervous about it because there's a better chance of that child ending up spoilt. As long as you're strict with your son, though, that shouldn't happen.
On the other hand, if you really want him to have a sibling why don't you adopt? It'll give him a sibling and it'll also give another child a chance at a better life.

amtc

I'm an only child. Which in the 1970s was weird. I remember being in first class learning about bar charts, and the teacher used number of children as an illustration, and 2 children in the class had 14 siblings - I was fascinated by how they fit them round a table....! I was the only only.
Far from being spoilt it gives you the chance to become adult - I have debates with my dad around politics and have done from when I was 5 - and am very close to my mum. When people say you are spoilt my retort is always to say that there was only one child to do the washing up etc. I read a huge amount. Mind you the two girls next door - one either year of me - were practically my siblings.
You do struggle (or I did) to learn sharing skills....but I could hardly force my parents to have another child (not that they could).
Having said that I am massively considerate - I'm in my 30s now and really reached out to my cousins and my friends and that makes up, just off loaded on my baby cousin (also only child) half my clothes). Yeah, you do feel a bit like a show pony but that's just the way it is. Also as my parents get older I'm the one ferrying them around between doctors and hospitals. But what can I do?! It does make you desperately resilient against life.

Stavro Mueller

Your son won't know the difference because it's the only life he'll know. As long as he gets to interact with other kids he'll be fine. Don't get hung up either on comments like what the person above me posted about ferrying you around when you're old. There are loads of people in bigger families who can't get their brothers and sisters to do a tap.

Seeing as you've had such trouble conceiving and the increased risks at your age, you're not being selfish by thinking about drawing a line under this. It is an enormous risk to take in my opinion.

Meauldsegosha

I'm an only child and people always say to me "do you miss not having brothers and sisters" and my answer us always no because you can't miss what you never had.

OP my mother was similar you in that she had two miscarriages before she had me and another a year after I was born. After that the doctors told not to try anymore as her body wasn't able for it. This was back in the 70's and a lot of people couldn't understand why my parents didn't have more children. My parents don't regret not having more children, they were delighted to have one healthy child. And I'm delighted I had both my parents in my life.

I wasn't spoilt, I was taught to treat people with respect, be considerate, have manners and I'm sure you will teach your son these things as well.

Good luck OP.

Beruthiel

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I'm not sure why people are so readily dismissing the OP's concern with such confidence.

I speak with confidence through personal experience.

Personally I think that, if at all possible, a sibling is a most wonderful gift to give a child.

Personally I think that, the most wonderful gift is giving your child life.

OP wrote:

he is exceptionally shy and even though he's been in a creche full time since he was 9 months old he is still a very introverted little boy. Over time he has made a lot of little buddies in creche and I suppose this would continue when he starts school

If you child is shy, I would be mindful of helping him to over come that by continuing to include him in activities which involve others.
Are there any neighbours with a child the same age? If there are, have them around regularly.

My father has a terminal illness and I dread the thought of that happening to me and burdening my son with that responsibility, all on his own

Whither you have one or ten children, why would any parent burden their child in such a way?
That is a selfish expectation and I certainly would not ask it of my daughter.

username123

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Personally I think that, if at all possible, a sibling is a most wonderful gift to give a child. They offer so much when growing up as friends, mentors, confidantes and generally add much more to family life than they ever take away. I've often heard only children sincerely say that they would have loved to have had a sibling growing up but it's rare to hear someone say they would prefer to be without their siblings and truly mean it.

This a very idealistic view, not all of us had lives that were so picturesque. My sibling tormented me from the day I was born. I hated him growing up. He tortured me daily. There were times when he used to whisper to me to kill myself because everyone hated me.

In my teens he moved out and cut all contact with the family - happy days for me!

Much later we got back into contact through parental illness. It lasted a very short time and then I made the decision to cut him out of my life as such a toxic individual did nothing but bring me stress and grief.

I can truly say I am glad he is not in my life and I will never allow him to be in my life.

Just to offer the other side of the 'lovely siblings' debate.....

I might add that my fathers family all cut themselves off from each other and hated their siblings as well. I never knew and still dont know any of his siblings or their children because he hadnt spoken to them since he was young.

Its more common than you think, but people generally dont discuss it.

LegacyUser

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Personally I think that, if at all possible, a sibling is a most wonderful gift to give a child. They offer so much when growing up as friends, mentors, confidantes and generally add much more to family life than they ever take away. I've often heard only children sincerely say that they would have loved to have had a sibling growing up but it's rare to hear someone say they would prefer to be without their siblings and truly mean it.

I will say I would prefer to be without my sibling and I truly mean it. Just because you are related to someone and/or grow up with them does not mean you are going to get on with them and have this magic bond and be friends, mentors etc etc. My brother is younger by 4 years and we never got on as children and now as adults we barely have a relationship. Our parents raised us the same but we have very very different personalities and sibling rivalry was very high through out our childhood. I wish I could put a reason as to the dislike we have for each other, something that happened to cause it but the truth is just we never got on from the very start and most likely when our parents are gone we will no longer speak to each other. I know my mum would like us to have that close relationship people assume siblings have but you can't force a relationship just because its what people expect. I'm sure that will sound extreme to some but the truth is not all siblings end up being close.

I do have several friends who do have great relationships with their siblings and are like best of friends but I also know an equal number of friends who don't have good relationships with siblings and have had awful fall outs with them and it has caused wider issues in their families as a result.

In short OP not all only children are spoilt or shy and not all siblings will be close. Have another kid because it's what your really want but don't do it because you think that your meant to for your other childs sake. You think it's being selfish not to have another child but think about what it does to your health and think about how that could effect your child. What could you miss out on with your child while trying for another one? I don't think its selfish to put your child ahead of some imagined sibling

ash23

I am one of a large family and I get on well with my brothers and sisters. We are very close and I do enjoy being part of a large family. However, I also get on great with my aunts and uncles and my cousins and would count all them as part of my "large" family. It's not all necessarily reliant on siblings.

I have one child who is nearly 10. I don't foresee myself having more in the immediate future although maybe some day but I wouldn't go through IVF and medical intervention if I'm honest.

My main reason for wanting another child is because I want one. The guy I am seeing has no kids so I would like for him to have the experience I have already had. But at this stage, with the age gap, I wouldn't be really thinking of it in terms of giving my child a sibling. It won't make much difference to her now as the age gap is so big. And if I do have another, I won't feel under any pressure to give him/her a sibling close in age either.

What I am getting at is that I appreciate the benefit of a sibling. I love my siblings. But having one child has shown me that being an only child isn't the end of the world. My only child has all of my time and attention and love. She can get lonely at times but between her cousins on my side and my partners side, there are always loads of kids around for her to play with. And in fact, when they have been around a while she has been glad to see the back of them at times too.

You need to do what you feel is right. You're the only one who knows if your family is complete or not. But in my opinion, giving a child a sibling is not a strong enough reason to have another child.