Does he get a kick out of how I feel

LegacyUser

Hi guys, Im hoping some guys as well as girls can give me some thoughts on this.

I'm in my late twenties working in the same city I moved to about 5 years ago. I got involved with a guy who has messed me around for over three years now. On one hand we have a really good connection - chatting, physically, like the same things, comfortable in each others company. But on the other hand he has never wanted a committed relationship and has no problem mentioning ex's or ONS ect. Warning signs I know, get out of there I know. But I fell for him and despite all of that I stayed in it for the long haul. We fought a lot, went short and very long periods of not talking. He would get back in contact after a while, I did once or twice. But it was always the same story but no change. Its always been complicated because even though I know he has treated me badly and I should have been mature enough to walk away, at the same time, he has always confided in me, and even though terrible arguements and things were said, that awkwardness that should be there when we see each other again isn't.

Long story short, he made some changes in his life, positive ones and he said he has settled down more, changed, he wanted to see me again, I reluctently agreed, but never the less I met up. Just as I arrived he tells me his ex was in the bar and that she text him but then arrived with a guy she was with. when I asked him why he told me this. he said he was giving me a "heads up"

Later when he went back, he asked me, had I been with other guys since, I told him no truthfully, he then said I should, to get over him. That really hurt. After we slept together he then asked me did I love him or was I just obsessed. I hesistated and later told him I did love him. Im so embarassed now, because he didnt respond. the night then just seemed to get worse, I was suddenly crying a little and he asked me what was wrong and I just brushed it off somehow and went to sleep.

Woke up the next day and everything was fine again. chatting ect. he dropped me home, we chatted in the car as usual, and he kissed me goodbye. said he'd keep in contact. I think I laughed at that as I got out.

I thought about the whole night afterwards and maybe it was me. But Im not unattractive, ironically the same weekend, I was asked out by an old friend I bumped into and also by a lad I met when with my friends at a gig. not blowing my own horn but I am sociable.

Needless to say the whole thing bothered me as I mulled it over the next few days, Im really not a naive or weak person. I've dated before, working, content with my life. But this guy has just hit me really hard. So I decided I had to take control of my own actions and not his. So I contacted him, told him that we were now on good terms for once, that I needed to get on with my life and move on, and that him being in it just wasnt working for me. Wished him the best and so on. I threw in some news I ect just to keep it light. no dramatics. He never replied and I guess he wont. so thats that.

I guess my problem is, Im wondering what was wrong with me? Im not being silly and crying because he didnt want a gf. He wasnt in a good place for one, I know that. But why keep coming back to me even just for chats, to see each other, there was many a night we would just sleep beside each other and chat and not have sex. I think if the first time we ended it, that he just disappeared I would be well over it now, but I dont get why he kept doing this if he didnt care about me whatsoever. Also that night when he asked me if I loved him or was obsessed was so mean. Considering when I closed the door, I closed it, it was him who always opened it again and contacted me. Ive never been obsessive, I do love him, and care about him. I wish I didnt. 4 years this has been going on and its left me very sore.

Im sorry my post is so muddled up, but my thoughts right now are just all over the place and Im trying to make sense of it. Now im sad he didnt even reply to my msg. I know its hypocritical since I was ending our contact, but it was a decent message and it would have been kind to acknowledge it. Its been a day now and nothing. Thank you for reading this and appreciate any words of advice.

curlzy

OH dear god woman, stop wrecking your own head. How old are you? If you're older than 21 then you need to listen to your own good sense. That little voice that told you he was only in it for the ride and that he used you as an ego boost, that voice is correct. He sounds scummy, a total user.

You need to cop on now and not waste another 4 years. Read over your opening post and imagine it's your sister/friend telling you that, what would your advise be? It would be to woman up and cop on, wouldn't it? Take your own advise.

I'm sorry that you're hurt but the good news is that the hard part is over (breaking up), now all you have to do is delete delete delete. Cut contact 150%. Then for the love of god get out there and start living and stop pining away for a guy that doesn't exist (i.e. that guy but without the sh*tty personality traits). You can do way way way better than that.

Best of luck.

SineadMarie

He keeps coming back to you because your letting him. You need to forget him now if he contacts you again just ignore him. I cant believe this is gone on for 4 years! Stop wasting your time with this man that clearly is only after one thing, ater he gets what he wants he cant even reply to your message what does that tell you! I'm sorry your hurting so bad but you need to wake up now after 4 years and see this for what it is. Just don't contact him again, delete him from FB your phone etc. and put all this in the past.

LegacyUser

hey,

That is a rough thing you have gone through, unfortunately you have prolonged the bad situation by your own actions. However we all make mistakes and you just need to accept it for what it was, know that you learned from it and firmly make the decision to move on. I think you are brave to finally do it and break that cycle.
I would say he did enjoy your company and you probably did have a great connection etc so don't feel like the whole 4 years was a complete sham. Ultimately though thats all you had, good chemistry doesn't equal true love. Good chemistry can turn sane people crazy, something about the hormones and the way it makes you feel really does make you do mad things. So there is nothing wrong with you to answer your question! That was your heart doing the talking and now you are listening to your head.

Honestly he sounds emotionally immature and you are well rid of him really, you just need to start believing it. It is horrible that he didn't reply and I can understand you feeling sore from that, it just shows his true character though. He wouldn't even bother replying after this going on for 4 years. No doubt he thinks that you will change your mind and he will be able to re-start things with you. You will have to stick to your guns and show him you mean it because the way it is now he doesn't even think its worth replying. You won't ever get different results by continually doing the same things and 4 years of doing this definitely hasn't given you what you wanted. This situation will just go on and on for as long as you let it and its gone on way too long as it is.

Ever hear that saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". Theres a lot of wisdom in that, don't YOU let yourself be made a fool of by him again now, you are equipped with the knowledge that this will not work ever. You know what he is like and its only up to you to look after yourself because he is definitely not ever going to look after you. He definitely has his best interests at heart, so do the same for yourself. You don't need our advice to know that he is not in your best interests, you have known for a long time, you just need a firm push in the right direction (and that direction is away from him).

Take care

loli1806

He sounds charming....not! I wouldn't waste another second or tear over this guy. He knows how you feel about him, if he has to ask you that it is his way of validating how he feels, kinda like reassurance. He is using you to fill a gap in his life, which is very sad. Move on, you will find someone who will treat you in the ways a woman should be treated, fairly. I can imagine how you feel, and instead of getting upset over him not replying to you be proud that you stood up for yourself. If only there were more women like you we would have no ass****s sniffing around!!! chin up, you did the right thing for yourself; )

Kimia

The thing is OP, you are giving him a girlfriend, confidante, friend, lover, someone he can tell anything to, and you ask nothing of him in return. Nothing. No wonder he comes back to you. When he feels down, he knows that you'll be there, no strings attached, to listen to his problems, have sex with him, and expect no commitment or respect in return.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but of course you're being treated this way. In fact I barely blame him tbh. You made it seem you were fine with it.

I know it feels like you have a connection that runs deep and that there must be something there because you have great chemistry and he tells you all his deep dark secrets, but in reality, you are not someone he wants as a girlfriend.

This is not a failing on your behalf. Who knows what other people want in life. But i would suggest that you move on from him for good and find someone who does want the same things as you. Best of luck.

beks101

OP are you not angry?

Any self-respecting woman would be seeing absolute red over being treated like a piece of dirt on this guy's shoe.

Actually no, any self-respecting woman wouldn't have let someone walk all over them in the way that you have in the first place - but to do that, and then feel nothing but insecurity, self-pity, resignation and absolute sadness over loving someone and getting nothing in return but scraps of affection when it suits him...just shows how far this guy has pushed you. Your self esteem is on the floor. It has to be, otherwise you'd see this situation for what it is.

Stop looking to this guy for validation, you won't get it. He'll continue to pick you up and drop you like a yo-yo for as long as you let him. Quit trying to engage him, quit trying to dignify the relationship with explanations for why you're walking away, and WALK AWAY. Put one foot in front of the other and just do it. Delete any trace of him from your life and instantly delete any messages you get from him in the future without so much as a glance.

And find someone to talk to about why you think you don't deserve any more than a car crash relationship with an emotionally unavailable man.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Me again, just thinking, perhaps counselling wouldn't be a bad idea for you? A bit of support and talking it through with a 3rd party could be very very good for you. It would also help you to stay strong and learn how to demand basic standards in a relationship. Counselling can be expensive but I've gone myself and it's extremely useful.

Best of luck.

Fantacoke

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Me again, just thinking, perhaps counselling wouldn't be a bad idea for you? A bit of support and talking it through with a 3rd party could be very very good for you. It would also help you to stay strong and learn how to demand basic standards in a relationship. Counselling can be expensive but I've gone myself and it's extremely useful.

Best of luck.

Sad story there OP ...
Nobody really can know how you feel or what the inside of your relationship truly is?
Are you expecting too much ? More than this man can commit to?
You have a few choices.
You can continue as is and accept every day as it comes.
Or
You can decide you want a relationship with bells and whistles MORE than you want this man.
Or
You can move on and stay friends but nothing else.

Personally I think you are looking for the relationship and forgetting to look clearly at the man.
Do that. Have a good long hard look. Decide if you really do love him.
Then just get on with your life and let your life happen.

Ps. I think you've sent a lot of mixed messages his way. You love him ...then you tell him you want to move on and wonder why he's not answered?
Also, you need to stop reliving stuff and thinking too much.

thefeatheredcat

OP don't worry at all about him not replying to your message. That in a way might be what he wants now that you have finally taken control and effectively dumped him.

herewegoagain27 wrote: »

Later when he went back, he asked me, had I been with other guys since, I told him no truthfully, he then said I should, to get over him. That really hurt. After we slept together he then asked me did I love him or was I just obsessed. I hesistated and later told him I did love him. Im so embarassed now, because he didnt respond. the night then just seemed to get worse, I was suddenly crying a little and he asked me what was wrong and I just brushed it off somehow and went to sleep.

This part jumped out at me. I would take from this that he was insecure and felt small, so had to go out of the way to make himself feel better, by making you feel insecure. I've been in that position, someone just pulling something hurtful out of nowhere for no reason and then refusing any sort of response or comfort. It's a form of manipulation that if they feel insecure or down, to transfer that to someone else.

You have your closure, you have dumped him and ended things on a positive note, based on the insecure behaviour of his that has effected you, he would love nothing more than to have you be driven crazy by no response or be thinking on it, because it would prove him right by his mindset that you're the crazy obsessed one that can't be without him, when actually it is him that is the completely needy person between ye. He goes back to you to confide in you, get on well, right? Time after time? Him saying for you to go out and meet others wasn't him telling you to, it was the opposite, to get you doubting if you should or shouldn't because of how you feel about him because it might put you in conflict between your feelings for him and your duty to yourself to be happy. Hence you might have otherwise found yourself pining for him while you are repeatedly rejected by him and messed around with him and treated like a piece of furniture, picked up when it suits him.

Chances are he might come back to you again with a sob story to elicit sympathy from you so he can mess you around again now that you're free. Don't fall for that and don't end up letting him getting in the way of having found other people to enjoy and explore possibilities.

Just enjoy what you've just found and be glad you are rid of this guy by you taking control of your life.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you. I have a lot to think about. I should have learnt this a long time ago. I'm nearly thirty and I'm behaving like a school girl. I just got lost somewhere along the way. thank you for the replies. In response to the counselling it really isn't an issue where I'm damaged or cant function properly. I've a good job that has me travel abroad quite a lot and a good social circle of friends and generally happy. But somewhere along the way I really let myself down. I just needed other opinions. my friends are great but sick of this person and so am I.

Im ready to let go now,