Wanting out - Living with anxiety and fear

LegacyUser

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend now for nearly 4 years and are living together over a year. I have lately come to the total realization that I live in total fear of her and effects every decision and most moments of my life. I suffer from terrible anxiety issues and had to take 3 weeks off work at one point last year because my panic attacks got so bad. I've resolved my panic attacks through counselling, but the anxiety is still strong. - I really want out now but have no idea how to go about it.

Some background: The first year was great together, no major problems or issues, but things slowly got out of control and I'd no idea why, she became abusive. Starting rows and screaming at me for trivial things etc. This is something I'd never experienced before. It then calmed down for a short time but it returned but not to that extent, I started fighting back (not physically) and developed a serious anger/rage issue because of not knowing how to deal with it.

The relationship continued like this with really good times and even worse times, then about 16 months ago I started getting anxious, then depressed and having panic attacks. I blamed work for it, (even though it was never a problem previously) and went to counselling and took a course of anti-depressants(lexapro) up until recently. I've essentially realised the last number of months that the relationship is the problem, and of the last week decided I cannot work on it any longer and it needs to end before I get worse and relapse.

I've probably painted and angel of myself and a devil of the other , but I've done and said some things I'm not proud. She's not a bad person by any stretch, but I think we are both living a false illusion and are together only clinging onto pockets of happiness.

I hope to broach the subject within the next few days, just need to work up the courage.

cafecolour

Contact http://www.amen.ie/ for support.

If it's really as bad as to be 'abusive' then don't 'broach the subject' - just make arrangements and leave. Broach the subject from a distance, not in person, since it'll just lead to a giant flare up.

Do you have children together? Do you have shared finances (i.e. shared bank accounts)? If the answer is no to either of those, you can honestly just leave tomorrow. Call in sick to work, pack your stuff up, go stay with a friend/family/hostel until you are back on your feet, send her a text/leave her a note and then cut off all contact.

desbrook

cafecolour wrote: »

Contact http://www.amen.ie/ for support.

If it's really as bad as to be 'abusive' then don't 'broach the subject' - just make arrangements and leave. Broach the subject from a distance, not in person, since it'll just lead to a giant flare up.

Do you have children together? Do you have shared finances (i.e. shared bank accounts)? If the answer is no to either of those, you can honestly just leave tomorrow. Call in sick to work, pack your stuff up, go stay with a friend/family/hostel until you are back on your feet, send her a text/leave her a note and then cut off all contact.

Take this advice my friend. If you were female you'd have 20 replies all saying the same thing by now. Best of luck.

gozunda

desbrook wrote: »

Take this advice my friend. If you were female you'd have 20 replies all saying the same thing by now. Best of luck.

You are in an obviously abusive relationship
It is best that you get out of this now for your own health.

Walk away while you can.

HeyThereDeliah

You need to work up the courage for what ? No one is stopping you leaving, ask a family member or friend to help you get your stuff and move out or if its your place pack her things for her.

Tell someone now, once it's out in the open it will be less stressful for you, I'm sure she is a nice person but ye are not good together.

I don't think counselling is the right course of action because you want to move on, no one should live in fear of their partner.

Best of luck

HeyThereDeliah

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

I don't think counselling is the right course of action because you want to move on, no one should live in fear of their partner.

Best of luck

I think it's the perfect course of action in conjunction with leaving. He will need help dealing with this and moving on from it even when physically removed from it.

HeyThereDeliah

bluewolf wrote: »

I think it's the perfect course of action in conjunction with leaving. He will need help dealing with this and moving on from it even when physically removed from it.

Sorry I meant couples counselling to see if they can work it out staying together. Yes I agree he should talk to someone and I think she also needs to seek advice re her issues.

curlzy

Well it certainly sounds abusive, you poor thing. I can't imagine how you've put up with it for so long, like to get to the point that you're having panic attacks is really really bad. If I were you I'd tell someone, your friend or a family member. Just make a plan of action, a) get some support - tell someone, b) get someone there with you, c) tell her you're/she's leaving d) follow through. You sound confident in your decision that this isn't the relationship for you, so just stick with it and get out

The very best of luck OP.

P.S to desbrook; being male or female has no baring on the advice given to someone in an abusive relationship. You might want to check your views on gender issues if you honestly believe what you said re: if OP was female.

Taltos

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Thanks
Taltos