Some feedback on this little short story please ?

FudgeBrace

Hello I just wrote a small piece and was looking for some feedback on it please? Oh and I'm only in fifth year so don't be too harsh.! Thanks
Here it is

I arrived at the bus stop panting, out of breath. I had finally lost them. It was pitch black but the moon stood out with its milky glow. It sent frosty breaths down which made my spine tingle. I hunched my back, thrust my hands in my pockets and waited.
I stepped onto the bus, threw some coins in the slot, and bolted upstairs. I looked out the lightly frosted window. No sign of them. I let out a shaky sigh, and rubbed my hands together. The bus sighed and was about to start up again when BANG! The whole bus shuddered. Someone downstairs screamed in agony and the bus driver yelled. My heart sank. More shrieks pierced my ears, then snarls and the unmistakeable sound of teeth munching on flesh. After what seemed like an eternity all i heard was sobs of pain. I wanted to run, to scream or cry, anything. But i was frozen in my seat. It was as if I was watching my body from some distant place. A tidal wave of pure fear came crashing over me as the sound of padded paws on the steps reached my ears. I stared in horror at their gut-wrenching grins, their jagged teeth soaked with blood glistened in the moonlight. Their ice cold blue eyes stabbed through me. It felt as though my heart was being held by a claw of ice. Nowhere to run, I was trapped. They had me.

Das Kitty

I really liked that.

aaakev

Das Kitty wrote: »

I really liked that.

+1, fair play

FudgeBrace

Yay thanks both of ya ! Means a lot

Canard

I think it's good! Just a few things that I felt would make it read better, personally:

"I arrived at the bus stop panting, out of breath, but I'd finally lost them." I would usually read things in first person in a bit of a casual tone, but thats just me.

"It sent frosty breaths down which made my spine tingle" - I'd write this as "My spine tingled as the moon breathed its frosty breath down my neck", because to me it's just a more compact way of saying it - like "breathe out" vs "exhale".

"Their ice cold blue eyes stabbed through me" - just to cut down on adjectives and make it neater I'd say something like "their icy blue eyes pierced me"

FudgeBrace

Patchy~ wrote: »

I think it's good! Just a few things that I felt would make it read better, personally:

"I arrived at the bus stop panting, out of breath, but I'd finally lost them." I would usually read things in first person in a bit of a casual tone, but thats just me.

"It sent frosty breaths down which made my spine tingle" - I'd write this as "My spine tingled as the moon breathed its frosty breath down my neck", because to me it's just a more compact way of saying it - like "breathe out" vs "exhale".

"Their ice cold blue eyes stabbed through me" - just to cut down on adjectives and make it neater I'd say something like "their icy blue eyes pierced me"

Thanks a bunch.! Yeah I agree with all of that, my descriptions can be a bit clumsy ! Thankyou for the feedback