Drowning in my current situation

julesboules

Hello - I am hoping that someone may have advice on my current situation.

I have gotten very close to a good friend of mine - his mum was diganosed with cancer two years ago and died a year later. When I found out she was sick, I was devastated for him as all his mates were.

I had moved a good bit away from the area I grew up in and where he lives so was no longer about as much in person but we also kept in touch through text and phone calls etc. He moved in with his gf about a year and a half ago and she doesn't get on with any of our mates or me so we hardly se each other. I was glad in a way as we have always had underlying feelings for each other that we both acklowedged are there but as he has a gf - I just didn't want to get invovled and always avoided being around him alone when both of us were drunk.

When his mum got sick we talked alot on text, almost everyday for a good while and things started to get a bit weird in that it almost turned into a relationship over text where he would confide in me about many things going on in his life, text me throughout the night when he was up alone and depressed and just basically leaned on me alot and turned romantic in that he said that he loved me, missed me and that I made him happy. I didn't mind as we are really good mates and I knew he was going through a hard time but when his depression started to get out of control last december the situation really started to pull the life out of me. I was staying up worrying about him and hoping that he wasn't going to hurt himself and ended up calling his best friend and sister to let them know what had been going on and how worried I was about him and they were also.

In February we were all out for a mutual friends bday and a few of us were staying in a hotel near by. While out he explained to me that he was so grateful for my help and listeing and being there for him and that he was sorry for leaning so much on me. I was happy that he acknowledged what had been going on and I admitted that I felt like we were almost in a relationship in some sense becuase of how the tone of the texts had gone.

Later in the night a good few of us went back to the hotel and myself and him ended up in my room talking away and having the craic. When I wanted to go to sleep he lay on the bed next to me talking and then turned and said 'I really want to kiss you' and he did. Once his lips hit mine it was like something I can't explain. I am not one for one-night stands or sleeping around but literally something just took over and we ended up having the most amazing passionate sex.

The following day the guilt hit me very hard as it did him and we stopped talking for a few days until the air had cleared. We agreed that this couldn't happen again and that we had to remain friends and I steered clear of any nights out that I knew he would be out but he continued to lean on me and text me all throughout nights and said that he missed me and that I made him happy. When I confronted him about what he says to me in texts the next day - he just comes back with - sorry that is the drunk me talking but I really do love you....just so confusing!

We have been together twice since that night and eeach time it is the best sex I have ever had and we both feel the same way. We use the friend label but I have no idea what we even are anymore - it's so messed up. We chat a bit of text now but not like we used to and I feel like we can't be around each other at all as it's like magnets to one another and all our friends have said the same.

He turned up in a hotel I was staying at during the summer to tell me that I make him happy, he loves me and he wants to be with me and then the following days sends me a text saying that he was sorry.....

I am not proud of this situation at all and I never wanted to be this girl but I can't help how I feel about him. I literally feel like I am drowing in the situation and don't know what to do. I really do care alot about him but think he may just see us as mates! He says to me that his relationship with his gf is so messed up but he wants to make the wrongs right if he can - it will go a few days and then he will be back texting me again....any advice would be appreciated. Just lost in this situation

Ellsbells

Forget about what happened to him, it has no bearing on his current selfish actions. You are in reality his mistress. He is still with the gf because he wants to be and he has you on the side for a but of fun. He can say what he wants but if he loved you and respected you then you would not be his bit on the side. This guy is very selfish and is using you for attention. As long as you give him that attention, nothing will change.

Why not valued yourself and stop sleeping with this guy until he is single

stargazer 68

Ellsbells is right OP. He doesn't see you as 'mates' - he sees you as his bit on the side. He dangles a carrot in front of you by saying he loves you and you stay around.

Stop taking his calls and texts - it will be hard but don't be that girl that hangs around waiting for someone elses man!!

julesboules

Cheers guys -really appreciate the feedback. I never tell my mates what is going on fully as I am not proud of it at all - going to get a new sim card and just start fresh. Thanks again

curlzy

You sound like you have a conscience and standards so for god's sakes grow up and use them. You feel like cr*p because you're acting like cr*p. Cut all contact with him. Considering what you've said about him getting distant from the group it doesn't sound like it'll be hard to completely cut contact.

If he loves you all that much he'll break up with the GF for you, BUT even if he does, how can you ever trust him? you know he'll cheat on a partner for some sneaky sex, what makes you think you'd be any different?

Honestly OP, if it was me (it never would be though coz I don't sleep with attached people) I would cut contact COMPLETELY.

LegacyUser

You have been a good friend to this man when he was going through a bad patch when his mother was not well.
He thinks now that you will be there any time he feels like having sex.
He was telling you want he thinks you want to hear but if he was serious about you he would have ended his relationship with his girlfriend.
You have done the right thing in getting a new sim card and phone number so he can no longer contact you.
You sound like a decent person who is a good friend. You don't deserve to be treated this way by this user. I am sure his girlfriend would like to know what he is doing behind her back.
If he makes contact with you again tell him to get lost or you will make sure his girlfriend knows about you.

julesboules

Thanks fab lady for the advice
I am actually leaving Ireland in the next two months so the chances of us seeing each other for the next two years are non existant. I have a new number now so he can't contact me - the only meeting we would possibly have is if he gets told about my going away party but at least there will be enough people there to steer clear of him if he does show. Thanks again for all the help guys. As I said I am not proud of the situation and never wanted it to be like this. Hopefully my move will give me the fresh start to move on.