Just a fling?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, I'm not sure what advice i'm looking for really but I guess maybe i just need to vent or hear from people who've been through similar or something...

I'm 28 single female, for the majority of my life I suppose you could say I haven't had too much trouble attracting men, not that I'm drop dead gorgeous by a long shot but reasonably attractive I guess (and with a bit of dutch courage I do ocassionally approach guys myself), my problem is that I never get past 4 or 5 dates with a guy, without fail at that point I get the same old speach "oh well you know this is just a casual thing, I don't want to lead you on" or "I like you but *insert ex issue here* so I'm not looking for anything serious". I stupidly agreed to the 'casual' thing once and it was awful I fell for him big time and had my heart broken so I refuse to go there again.

It's pretty heartbreaking at this stage to be honest. Just last week a guy I'd been out with practically every night the prior week and a half (nearly all initiated by him I might add) sprung the ex issue line on me, I'm baffled as to why he'd put so much effort in if he wasn't interested in a relationship tbh .... I just don't know what I'm doing wrong? I'd rather these guys would just tell me they're not interested and be done with it but the fact that they'd think there was enough there to sustain a f**kbuddy thing but nothing more just hurts to be honest, and makes me feel like cr*p. To add insult to injury they usually tell me i'm pretty, smart, funny and a great person (I don't believe i'm any of those things for what it's worth but I suppose maybe that's just a line they feel they need to say to ease the blow or whatever). I'm just so down over it lately I really feel like there must just something fundamentally missing in me as a person and I don't know what it is??

It doesn't matter an iota if I sleep with these guys or not, or how long I wait to sleep with them, the result is always the same, even regardless of where I meet them in a club / through friends / even tried online dating fror a while. I guess maybe I'm just not "girlfriend material" whatever that might be? I guess my question is quite arbitrary, and vague but - what makes a girl more than a fling? someone you want a realtionship with? I dunno I supose I'm quite shy so maybe guys see me as an easy target or something to just get sex from?

I've met and dated quite a few guys but still fiind myself at 28 having never been in a proper relationship (most of the guys are really surprised by this, and in general people always seem to presume I'm not single). It's like every time I meet someone new I try and try to not get my hopes up because I know what's going to happen and every single time I get my hopes up and it does. Sorry i'm probably coming across whiney or whatever but the last guy had me quite smitten and I really really thought it might go somewhere. Honest to god at this point I really believe there's something missing from me that I cannot for the life of me find a guy who wants 'all' of me? Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated

Hardonraging

If i may .... do you find you date/are attracted the same type of guy over and over again ? e.g. the bad boy ..

Ellsbells

Well if you are still sleeping with them within the 4/5 dates, I would think that's rather soon... Are you comfortable sleeping with them at that stage or is it just to keep them interested.

LegacyUser

Hardonraging wrote: »

If i may .... do you find you date/are attracted the same type of guy over and over again ? e.g. the bad boy ..

I've often thought about this, I guess maybe if i'm being honest I must do on some level, in that for the most part I seem to attract very intellectual/smart/ "deep" types of men and who would be considered very self confident but i don't intentionally seek those qualities in a guy. I'm definitely not attracted to that bad boy c**p though tbh, I mean for the most part these guys have been really lovely warm guys who treated me well, and to their credit been pretty honest - the one exception being the guy I entered into the Fbuddy thing with.

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

Well if you are still sleeping with them within the 4/5 dates, I would think that's rather soon... Are you comfortable sleeping with them at that stage or is it just to keep them interested.

I suppose maybe it is a bit soon to be fair, but I don't sleep with all of them to clarify. It's honestly not to keep them interested, if i'm attracted to someone and want to sleep with them I don't really see the point in making them wait as it were. I enjoy sex and don't like playing games also I'm not sure I'd be compatable with a guy who saw me as easy because I'd slept with him after 4 dates but maybe you're right clearly my approach isn't working so maybe I do seem too easy to them and they lose interest, it's certainly something to reconsider.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I don't think it's down to how long you take to sleep with them, everyone's different in that regard so I don't think it can be that. Perhaps as you're feeling badly over this, perhaps you're starting to come across as a bit desparate? That's a major turn off. If I were you, I'd stopped dating completely until you feel happy to be alone. Maybe just look for friendships for now?

desbrook

I have told a girl something similar as have loads of guys. We are cowards really and use the casual line and talk about feeling when something amazingly practical is at the root of it all.
The last time I told a girl those lines it was because her house was dirty ... lots of little things but mainly the state of her home. Am I saying your house is dirty? No course not - all I'm saying is something very mundane could be turning them off.
I was you once ! very similar situation to you years ago - the reason? I was obsessed with money . Finally I met someone who had the guts to tell me . I was gobsmacked and changed. Never knew! Look at yourself from top to bottom .Sounds harsh I know but it's my experience ..

jessiejam

A friend of mine gets the same lines all the time. I think its because she makes herself too available to them. She is too agreeable. Never initiates anything and just goes along with whatever they want to do. Boring I suppose, and they get bored of that.

Not saying this is you but I do think men like a bit of a challenge. Seeing someone every night for a week when you first meet is a bit too much IMO. Sleeping with someone after even 3 weeks is too soon IMO. Maybe the men you are attracting are looking for something else than what you have to/want to offer?

Maybe you just haven't met the right one yet. Good looks aren't everything either I suppose. Where are you meeting these men? nightclubs/pubs?. Why not try another avenue and try to meet someone that has the same interests/hobbies as you and you'd be surprised who you'd meet.

LegacyUser

jessiejam wrote: »

A friend of mine gets the same lines all the time. I think its because she makes herself too available to them. She is too agreeable. Never initiates anything and just goes along with whatever they want to do. Boring I suppose, and they get bored of that.

You know there's probably an element of being too agreeable with these guys to be honest, I'd kind of come to that realisation lately but was reluctant to admit it to myself! Not that I don't initiate things, I have no problem doing that, but I guess on the dates themselves I find it difficult to "take charge" sometimes as it were and suggest things to do, which is usually down to shyness but suppose it's something that can get annoying/boring from a guys perspective so food for thought there!

Not saying this is you but I do think men like a bit of a challenge. Seeing someone every night for a week when you first meet is a bit too much IMO. Sleeping with someone after even 3 weeks is too soon IMO. Maybe the men you are attracting are looking for something else than what you have to/want to offer?

Oh i absolutely agree with you that seeing someone that much in the first week is OTT, but it was mostly initiated by him and i did even turn him down a couple of those nights, but having never been in that situation before I thought perhaps maybe that's what happens when you click with someone obviously not! I'm not entirely sold on the sex thing being the issue, as it's an important thing for me and if a guy judged me for sleeping with him too early then he'd probably be a bit too reserved for me in that department anyway but I guess in the future I'll hold off a bit and see if it makes a difference, can't do any harm i guess

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curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't think it's down to how long you take to sleep with them, everyone's different in that regard so I don't think it can be that. Perhaps as you're feeling badly over this, perhaps you're starting to come across as a bit desparate? That's a major turn off. If I were you, I'd stopped dating completely until you feel happy to be alone. Maybe just look for friendships for now?

I hope I don't come across as desperate, I don't think I do, I love my own company and space and find it hard to be around people for long periods of time so I'm certainly not unhappy on my own but at the same time there is that nagging feeling that things would be better if I had someone to share them with

But yeah I've definitely had a few bad runs in the past 6 months or so, so probably not in the headspace for anymore dating for a while, so won't be putting myself back out there for a bit in any case!

Thanks for the replies/insights much appreciated

dixiefly

Make them work harder for you, if they are not prepared to do that then you have saved yourself some effort and time. If they do then they may appreciate you more.
Also, I don't want to lecture you but dont be available all week to meet the same person just after meeting him. Make him see that there is more in your life and also that you are not someone that is available all the time.

AnonMouse

Hey OP,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad about your situation. I am a guy and have been in a position, where I was left wondering what I did wrong, on quite a few occasions when I was younger. Now that I am a bit older, I understand that it was because I used to come on too strong, too early. I am an emotional person and when I develop feelings, I find it hard to hide them at times.

I don't want to dissect your post, but using words like 'feeling smitten' etc, would suggest that maybe you are coming on too strong. Correct me if i'm wrong of course. I guess where I am going with this, is that the dating scene in Ireland is a joke. Think about it; if you like someone, you're supposed to hide it and not let your true feelings be known. It is ridiculous if you ask me, but that is the way society has shaped us. You seem like someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, so next time you meet a guy you like, just play it cool and remember that he is the one that is lucky to be with you.

All the best :-)