Developing confidence!

af_thefragile

I have admitted it here before so I don't mind admitting it again that I guess I do experience some social anxiety and generally lack confidence with much that I do. Although I have learnt to live with it as an introvert, I guess I am heading quickly towards a stage in my life where I just can't continue life in my little bubble any more. Its my final year in college and it has come to the point where my lack of social skills and confidence are starting to hinder my progress in my career path.

I guess the thing I find the most difficult is attending any social events and meeting people I don't know. I will have to be doing a lot of this in the next few years and hence I need to become good at this stuff and learn to interact with people with confidence so that I don't let left behind in this super competitive career race.

The other thing I have noticed with me is that I've always felt very cold towards people. I can speak to them but I can never gel with them, I can become "mates" with anyone. I never ask anything of anyone and neither do I expect anyone to ask anything of me. I know lots of people yet I still live a very solitary life. I have many acquaintances whom if I see, I would talk to them and have a little conversation with (don't have much problem speaking to people I know) but I would say I only have about 4 friends and out of them there is only one who is a close friend (whom I've known from my school days). Its not that I chose to live this way, its just how things seemed to have turned out for me.

And the final thing is coming back towards confidence. I guess I generally give off an impression of low confidence. I'm not a physically big guy and a lot of people have told me I need to become more confident at what I do. I get anxious a lot (especially when it comes to social events and meeting new people) and I guess if you meet me, you wouldn't see me as a very confident person.


All of this I need to change quickly within the next few months (or at least take the steps towards changing in the next few months). Soon I'll be graduating from college, I'll then have to become independent and learn to fend for myself. I may have to move to a new country to find a job and will just have to learn to do all this on my own. I need to soon learn to deal with different people many of whom would hold quick high ranking professional posts and would need to become heck a lot more confident while at it! Something that seems like an impossible task from where I am right now but something I need to do if I need to move ahead in life.

LegacyUser

hey,

Its a tough situation to give any advice on because both you and I know what you have to do is just become more confident in yourself. Confidence is just a belief i yourself, you need to acknowledge that you are a good person, you are a good worker, you have a lot of offer and then start acting like it. Myself and a few of my friends make jokes amongst ourselves in work like "we should be running this place, we are clearly the best!" or if theres a guy one of us likes we would joke and say "he is intimidated by my stunning looks and thats why he wont ask me out!". I know that sounds silly but I find having that kind of mindset leaves me feeling a lot more positive and confident

In terms of socialising it really is just something you will have to force yourself to do for the first while. I would have friends who I feel are only acquaintances as well as having friends who are like family. The difference is the connection & chemistry with certain people. As you have spent your life probably avoiding social events you just haven't met enough people to meet a few who you have a great connection with. Its not every second person who could be your best friend, its something special. When you meet someone you really click with you will realise how great friendship can be and how different it is to just having acquaintances. You just need to get out there and keep meeting people.

Im so sorry I couldn't offer you better advice. If you really feel you need a boost counselling would be a good option. I went to counselling once and it can be a great help to see and hear things from a somewhat objective point of view.

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

Well recognising you have a problem is a good start. For many years I just accepted it was the way I was, even though it was making me very unhappy.

I think a lot of people accept themselves as introverts as it is an easy option. For over a decade I was extremely distant, showed almost no emotion and rarely spoke- and yes everyone including myself had pinned me down as being introverted, however I was once a very sociable child up until the age of 10. The core of your current character tends to come from your past, and sometimes unbeknownst to yourself you are allowing an event (or series of events) that occurred many years ago take control of your life. It may not be something traumatic, perhaps even your parents were just very overprotective.

The fact is you can overcome this problem, within a year your life and outlook could be very different but you need to act and make a continuous effort to achieve this. My own suggestions would be visiting a counsellor or even treating confidence as you would a subject in university by setting yourself tasks to have achieved by the end of each week. Sports are also great, as they allow you to release any stress and get involved in a group activity.

edellc

Hi OP

Firstly I just wanted to say you are not alone in how you feel about yourself and your situation, the vast amount of posts on PI are from people your age and in your situation with similar feelings

However it doesnt make it any less difficult for you to be going through this. Regarding friends, I feel there is some perception out there that the quantity of friends defines who you are when really its all about quality. Most people have one or two close friends and then either a handful of "friends" ie buddies to go to the pub with and then acquaintances ie peeps you go to college with and are friendly with but seriously once college is done they are no more. So having the close friends you have you are doing well.

If you do want to expand our group of friends then really the only way of doing this is to join groups that you have an interest in and therefore a similar interest to the peeps in it so you have a common ground on which to form a friendship, it is the most obvious way and seems simple but for someone who is self conscious it can be a really difficult thing to do but its about putting yourself out there as nobody can do it for you unfortunately.

I think confidence comes with age tbh, when we are your age everyone is worried about what the next person thinks of them and we think that this one and that one are full of confidence and we are just wall flowers, but every one worries its just how you deal with it. I bet in a one to one situation your fine its just big groups that can be nerve racking and where you tend to fade into the back ground, and this is natural...look at all those reality shows like for example bigbrother all the gobby ones usually go first and its the ones that fadded into the background that usually end up being the most interesting and have a quite confidence and dont need to be the centre of attention to feel important...anyway who like a gobby cow anyway

When you do start interviewing for jobs dont get upset if you dont get the first one out there, they are all practice and the more you do the better you get at doing them...not that I wish you to be out of work that long but with the economy the way it is who knows...just look at every one of them as a learning experience, also once you do land a role and once the initial awkward few months go by you will start to get to know better what you are doing and what is expected of you and this in itself gives confidence. It also takes a very while to settle into a work place and you have to remember you are there to work and not make friends, and you will always find people who dont like you just like you will find people you dont like so dont over analysis and think its you its not some people are just bitches and you will meet plenty during your life but its how you deal with them and if you choose to let them affect you as a person. Thats advise for the long term.

But for now you can try councilling if you can finance it or you could just make a pact with yourself to put yourself in a not so comfortable situation once a day or every other day, for example if your not confident talking to new people make it your goal to do so, even it means just asking directions or telling a girl she looks very well...its known to work...I am again going to refer to tv hehe and the shows they have about such things and dragging some poor soul onto the street to stop people saying they know them or put them in a pub and make them talk to a randomer...its all part of building confidence in awkward situations and therefore helping you to deal with less weird situations when they happen, and if you can do something like that then you can do anything

Whatever you choose to do, remember that you who you are everyone wont like you but thats their problem not yours as long as you are polite, friendly and approachable then thats all that matters

best of luck with everything OP I really wish you all the best of the journey ahead

gem898

Hi OP,

I know how you're feeling.

I'm 2 years out of college and I still suffer from social anxiety. Sometimes its not too bad, other times its crippling.
I lived in Spain on Erasmus, had to go on my own as no one else studied spanish on my course. I lived in Liverpool for 6 months and I'm currently living in Spain again, working full time on a graduate programme.

Building a career and living abroad is definitely achievable. Social anxiety pulls you back a bit and it takes longer to get used to certain situations. Mine got so bad that I would not walk into a shop that I had never been in before unless I was with someone else. I soon learned to get over that when I moved to spain the first time... It was either that or starve! I still get that uneasy feeling from time to time and networking terrifies me. I still do it but it takes an awful lot of pep talks beforehand!

I would definitely advise counselling. I started it back in August of last year and continued with it up until I had to move to a new city last november. And it really really helped. I started to feel better about myself. That I was good enough to be having a conversation with certain people. That I was good enough for that promotion. That I was good at what I do and that I shouldnt belittle myself so much. Most colleges have an on site counsellor but even some private ones offer discounts to students/low income people. You don't have to go every week if you can't afford it. Sometimes I skipped a couple week due to the cost but it didnt hinder my progress.
With counselling its important to feel like progress is being made... I tried to see one here in Spain for various reasons but after 3 weeks of shelling out 70 quid a week I didnt feel one bit better so I left her and found out that my old counsellor does skype sessions so I'm back to the one I found the best.

Social anxiety won't stop you from doing something you really want to do. It is a challenge and a tough challenge at that but with each small achievement it will get easier and you will grow more confident.

Luca Brasi

There are ways to get over the lack of confidence but you have to work at it. Starting a conversation with a stranger in social circumstances can be difficult shows how it can be done. Imagine you are at some social gathering and are introduced to someone. Having done the "hello how are you line" just ask " Are you from this city???" The answer will be either yes or no. If yes " Oh and did you go to college, train or whatever here? More than likely the person will answer either Oh I went to the city university or oh I went to some other place to study.
After that ask about the university or whatever. You will find it comes easier as you go along and people will come back to you with their own questions because in reality evryone bar the few extroverts do find it hard to start conversations particularly at your stage in life.

If you are going to a work or social event why not think a little beforehand about who will be there and what issues you could you use to start a conversation