Loving someone until you find someone better?

LegacyUser

Hi, I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. i love him very much. However something he said a couple of months ago has been playing on my mind. Basically he said that generally people go out with each other until they find someone better - and usually finding someone they like better is the reason they break up. This is his experience within his circle of friends etc. Both of us were single when we met. My experience is that no - people break up for other reasons.. not because they find someone they prefer. His view point has made me REALLY insecure. I think he's going out with me until he 'finds someone better'.
He said that it wouldn't be fair to stay with someone if you found someone you preferred. While this may be a fair point I think if you felt yourself getting close to someone else you'd know about it and could work on your current relationship and not let yourself fall for someone else. I'm seriously thinking of breaking up with him over this as he still thinks the same months later and I'm an insecure wreck because of it. I'd be really grateful for opinions on this and what I should do please. Thank you.

LegacyUser

That's a horrible thing to say to someone you supposedly love. It sounds like he doesn't love you at all. Talk to him about it. Be honest with him, tell him that his words have turned you into an insecure wreck. If he cares about you at all he will reconsider his opinion.

LegacyUser

I agree that was a highly insensitive thing of him to say, in saying that it wouldn't be the first time a man has said something and not really meant it. To give him the benefit of the doubt maybe hes talking about "everyone else" but not you as a couple.

But to be honest it sounds like something you would say to someone you are not in love with (sorry to be harsh:( ). Thinking back on my past I would only ever say something that blase (I still wouldn't say that though..) to someone I was breaking up with and that would be to prepare him for what was about to come. It's almost like foreshadowing IMO. Would you say that to someone you are madly in love with????

Talk to him about it.

aidan24326

He was probably only generalising (incorrectly) rather than being specific about your relationship but it was still a stupid snd insensitive thing to say. You need to talk to him openly about this and get to the bottom of it. Does he see himself with you in the future? If he has doubts about that then you just may not be right for each other, hard as that would be to accept.

If he really loves you and can't imagine being with anyone else then he needs to put your mind at rest by saying so, honestly and unequivocally. If he can't do that then unfortunately you may be wasting your time with a guy who only sees you as a good stop-gap until the girl of his dreams comes along. Either way what you need now is some straight answers and less of this cryptic bullsh1t.

Sorcha16

horrid wrote: »

tell him that his words have turned you into an insecure wreck.

Do not tell him this. You should never become so dependant on someone that you become an 'insecure wreck' without them. Somebody either loves you or they don't and you absolutely cannot emotionally blackmail them into loving you with the threat that you'll fall apart without him.

Telling him that he has the power to turn you into an insecure wreck will make him feel forced into loving you whilst portraying you as a needy, high-maintenance female who can't cope on your own. This is not the dynamic you should have in your relationship.

Calmly and firmly tell him that his words have upset you and are not something you appreciate hearing from your partner. Give him another opportunity to confirm his thoughts on what he said by asking him if he could explain precisely what he meant. He is entitled to not love you but make it clear that if he doesn't, that you won't be wasting any more time with him.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you asked him straight out who he is talking about? He may not be talking about himself and you as a couple, specifically. But more about 'people'.

He may not realise how it actually sounds until you say it out loud back to him. And ask him is that how he feels. You should be able to gauge his reaction.

He may be totally head over heels in love with you and have been talking about others not so fortunate.

Or he may not be as crazy about you as you are about him... Only way to find out, is ask I'm afraid.

Fluorescence

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Do not tell him this. You should never become so dependant on someone that you become an 'insecure wreck' without them. Somebody either loves you or they don't and you absolutely cannot emotionally blackmail them into loving you with the threat that you'll fall apart without him.

Telling him that he has the power to turn you into an insecure wreck will make him feel forced into loving you whilst portraying you as a needy, high-maintenance female who can't cope on your own. This is not the dynamic you should have in your relationship.

Calmly and firmly tell him that his words have upset you and are not something you appreciate hearing from your partner. Give him another opportunity to confirm his thoughts on what he said by asking him if he could explain precisely what he meant. He is entitled to not love you but make it clear that if he doesn't, that you won't be wasting any more time with him.

Eh, no, that's not what she's said at all. If she was to speak to him about it, it'd be to let him know that voicing this opinion with such conviction makes her feel like he's settling for her til someone better comes along. Not that she'd fall apart without him (where'd you even get that?)

No-one wants to feel like they're someone's back-up plan. My advice is talk to him. He might not necessarily feel that way about you, and was just monumentally stupid in how he portrayed his observances of other people's relationships. You won't know til you talk to him. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, then yeah. Think about calling it a day with him.

Sorcha16

Fluorescence wrote: »

Eh, no, that's not what she's said at all. If she was to speak to him about it, it'd be to let him know that voicing this opinion with such conviction makes her feel like he's settling for her til someone better comes along. Not that she'd fall apart without him (where'd you even get that?)

Right here when she said this:

wondering123 wrote: »

I'm an insecure wreck because of it

Which is not something any self-respecting girl should share with a guy who says things like that to her

curlzy

Hey OP,

I think you realise something is up. A guy who's with a girl he wants to stay with doesn't say or even think those things. I think he was being honest with you, he likes you but he's looking out for somone better. I'd have a chat with him but I think ultimately I'd be dumping him.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Careful here OP, he might not have intended it to sound the way it did. He might have just been talking about his own observations as opposed to the relationship. Best thing is to talk to him and find out what the story is.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to hear that he said that and that it's had a large negative impact on you.
I think everybody deserves to be with someone who makes them feel like the most special, beautiful and important person in the world. You shouldn't be made to feel like you're a substitute until someone "better" comes along.

I suggest asking him to clarify what he means. While I wouldn't tell him that it's made you very insecure, if he DOES stand by what he said then I'd tell him that you feel if he genuinely believes that then YOU deserve to be with someone who's as invested as you are in the relationship and you see no point continuing just for the sake of it. He may realise he was wrong at that point - if not, then I think you would be better off without him.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I would say to him that a few months ago you told me that generally people go out with each other until they find someone better do you still think this is true?
If he acts like he is under pressure when he answers the question I would then ask him are you using me until someone better comes along. Some men seem to think that some one better will come along but this is not always the case.
I would not becoming an insecure wreck due to him and what he said to you.

No man or woman wants to be with someone who is very needy as this does not help your relationship. Every relationship can go though a bad period and you have to be able to deal with things which can be far more serious that a comment made like this by your boyfriend.

If you discover that he is using you I would end this relationship and spend some time on your own. I think that you need to spend some time on your own to develop your own self worth, social life and friendships. I have seen woman giving a lot in there lives to have and keep boyfriends and they can end up with nothing when the relationship end's.