heartbroken and confused...

whichway?

I have jus recently broken up with my fiance.. we were together and living together for over two years and we were very much in love (and still are). We broke up because he was controlling (he influenced the way I dressed, the make up I wore and what guys I could not talk too, got mad if he thought i was flirting or looking at a guy). In every other way he was my perfect man.. spoiled me, affectionate, romantic, amazing dad to his two kids, great sense of humour, we always laughed together, ambitious, cooked, cleaned and got on with my family. Part of the problem was that I find it hard to talk about my feelings and often never said if his behaviour was unacceptable and hurt me, I would shut him out and let my feelings build up in me.. which all came out when we broke up... he knows now how he made me feel and that I will not accept it anymore.

He knew he had a problem and had agreed to go to counselling but we never got round to it. Since breaking up he has had a nervous breakdown and is starting counselling to get his head right.. I told him that he should have done that when we were together and we may still be together. We have being texting and calling each other. He has begged me to come back and that he loves me and wants to change his controlling. I told him I need a break to think but there maybe a chance we could get back together if he agrees not to try control me ever again and we would both go to couples counselling... he agrees.

I would like to know what people think? should I give him another chance? or walk away... I am nearly 30

Idle Passerby

I would say let him go to counselling and at least start to sort himself out before trying to rebuild the relationship.

strandroad

Looks like his controlling attitude was one part of the problem, and the other part was the breakdown of communication in your relationship. It's very good that he started his counselling. Perhaps you could both think about attending some sessions together to address the communication issues also before you can think of any commitment.

whichway?

we have both agreed to go to counselling and sort through our issues... the thing i moved back in with my mother coz I had nowhere else to go and I have told her everything.. she had an inkling that there was controlling going on but because I seemed happy she never got involved but now that she knows the extent of it all she has said that it is an awful idea to even think of trying again and that she will not give us our blessing to get married and will not talk to him again. They had a great relationship before we broke and cant understand why i would even talk to him.
I have two close friends that i have told them a small bit of what was going on and they have very differnet opions on what i should do... one sayin i should not talk to him ever again and one who says follow my heart and noone should decide for me.

danslevent

You said you never mentioned how you felt before so he has never gotten a chance to rectify his behaviour. Your relationship sounds like it was perfect despite this, does it not seem worth it to give him a chance? Don't let your mam be the deciding factor on this

danslevent

Also, if he had a breakdown over it and is getting counselling, he isn't not going to be a hurry to act this way again. He really does seem truly sorry

whichway?

he knows that I am a traditionalist and believe that the man should look after the woman and provide for her but I also want some independence.. he says that he just took things too far... we spent 24/7 together and things moved fast between us... I pretty much moved into his house after our second date... but we had known each other for some years as he is my brother in laws friend.
I think my heart has already decided what to do... my mind just needs to see the whole picture and what other people would do

daisybelle2008

whichway? wrote: »

he knows that I am a traditionalist and believe that the man should look after the woman and provide for her but I also want some independence.. he says that he just took things too far... we spent 24/7 together and things moved fast between us... I pretty much moved into his house after our second date...do

OP it is one thing having what you call 'traditionalist' views, but you seem to have blurry lines on how to have a healthy relationship. You say you would like 'some' independence, as if that is something he rations out to you, how do you measure 'some'? Assertiveness and independence are traits you develop yourself.

You are unable to express yourself and tell someone if their behaviour is unacceptable to you and that the are hurting you. If you allow someone to control what you wear and who you talk to you are paying a heavy price for being 'looked after'.

Maybe go to counselling yourself to ensure that you can express yourself properly in any relationship. Your views and insecurity are going to continue to be a problem unless you address them.

whichway?

Thanks to everyone for the advice... we are back together but taking it slow and with counselling for him first and then as a couple. We had a really open and emotional talk and both know what we want and that is a healthy relationship with trust and independence and no controlling:)

curlzy

Best of luck to you both.