Should I give up??

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I'm hoping someone can give me a bit of advice/help. How do you get over the break down of a long term relationship when you had no clue that the person you loved and thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with just walks out completely out of the blue and with no proper explanation?? This is what happened to me a few months back and my life is falling apart, what's worse is he now says that he doesn't know what happened or if he's made the right decision but that I should just get on with my life and forget him. He says that he feels like he has destroyed his life and that he had it all and threw it away.
I've tried and tried to talk to him and get him to open up about why he left but he just says that he is empty and dead inside and cant feel anything. He has a stressful job but recently got moved closer to home so I thought he would be happier when we could be together full time but I was so wrong. I knew something was not right but I thought he was happy with me, he was his usual loving self up until the night before he walked out. Any time that I asked him what was wrong he told me that I didn't understand the pressure he had been under in work and to just give him time which I did but now I wish I had pushed him to talk and maybe he wouldn't have snapped and walked out. He is an extremely quiet person who gives the impression of being so laid back and nothing seems to bother him but obviously he just keeps everything in till he cant handle it any more.
Until a few weeks ago we had been in contact and I felt like I had been making some progress with him, he even went to see a counsellor, however I didn't feel that I could keep meeting up with him if he couldn't tell me that there was some hope that we might be able to work things out. Every time I saw him he was hugging me and giving me all kinds of mixed messages and my head was just wrecked. He just kept saying that he didn't know what had gone wrong or what he wants, he couldn't even say that he was happier since he had left or that he knew he had made the right decision. He is disgusted with himself for the way he left and he cant even look me in the eye when he's talking to me. I asked him if he had cheated on me, he swears not and I believe him as I never had any reason to doubt him. I know I probably sound like I'm mad, people think I should do as he says and forget about him but honestly I love him so much he was a fantastic boyfriend for the years we were together and I never felt safer and more secure than when I was with him.
I cut off all contact for two weeks until a few days ago when I just had to text him and he answered me within seconds and texted back and forth for 20 mins asking me about work, our dog etc. His friends say he doesn't discuss the subject at all with them and one commented on him being "odd". I just don't know what to do , I hate the thoughts of him being miserable and I just miss him so much he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend, life without him is horrible. Do I give up on him?

whichway?

It sounds like he is in alot of pain and does not know how to help himself and he does not want your life on hold as it is more pressure on him. Is he still going to counselling? maybe you should tell him that you will give him some time to work out his feelings without being in contact, tell him that you will wait for a certain amount of time and if he does not open up to you by then you will move on with your life. I am a person who keeps things to myself but am learning how to open up more.. its tough to do when you feel that you are hurting someone by not talking so maybe he thinks he is doing the right thing by you and sparing you this hurt. explain to him that you will give him the chance to figure out his thoughts but will not wait forever.

Idle Passerby

Raeb wrote: »

he now says that he doesn't know what happened or if he's made the right decision but that I should just get on with my life and forget him.

I don't think he can give you the hope you need because he doesn't know what he needs himself. He must feel that breaking up was the right thing to do because even though he says he's unsure, he is still urging you to forget him.

tomtomhardy

A very similar thing happened to me with my ex girlfriend, we were together for years and loved each other, well at least I thought we did. she walked out on me with no real explanation just that she couldn't see herself marrying me and having kids with me (anymore) but I don't think you should give up on him its quite clear you still love him and if you just walked away I think you would regret it.

Goldenlady

My heart is broken for you and I am actually going thru something quite similar currently. 8 years together and two weeks ago massive argument and he walked out.... we said we would give space.... he is the one making the contact for the last two weeks except for today when I did! Its just such a horrid feeling at the moment and I know its the biggest cliche in the world but time will heal. You might never get the answers from him as to why he left, you probably need to just stop the contact for a bit. Surround yourself with friends (If possible, all mine at different stages as in married, babies so im struggling on that front!) but take time to think about what you want. Do things that you didnt have time to do before. I hope things will be ok for u x

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replys they have been very helpful. I've decided to try not to contact him again for as long as I can because I'll only end up getting hurt again. I'm just so lost and lonely and have such feelings of disbelief that this has even happened. It would be easier and make more sense if he could tell me what went wrong and why he did what he did, I don't think I'll ever get over the shock of him leaving the way he did. Its killing me to know what he's thinking/feeling but if I ask him he will just tell me that he doesn't know which I find so hard to believe, why cant he just be honest with me?
I still feel like I shouldn't give up all hope but what more can I do? I found him a counsellor but I have a feeling that he only went the one time as I know he found it really hard. My friends think that there is something wrong that has nothing to do with me and that's why he is telling me that I'm better off without him and to move on. How the hell can I move on when I don't understand and I have a strong feeling that there's a lot more to this than what he is saying? God my head is wrecked he never seemed unhappy with me and everyone who knows us is saying the same also, I feel like I'm going mad.

Katy89

you poor thing, my heart goes out to you! feel hugged!!

but from reading the story I have to say I get a strong feeling he is involved with another woman?? what do you think?

why is he not telling the reason for the break up? his friends saying his behaviour is odd and he's not telling them anything either.

I don't believe it's only pressure at work or depression. he's hiding something...

maybe have another word with him or write him a letter, stating that he owes you an explanation after that longterm relationship. no matter what it is, it's better for you to know the full truth than to live with this uncertainty and worry about him. you need it for closure.
it's not fair and cowardish from him.

LegacyUser

At this stage if you have had a long term relationship which has ended he should be man enough to tell you the reason why he is ending things.
I would ring and tell him that you want to meet him. I would tell him I was with your for x period of time and I should know the reason why you ended things with me
Did you ever mention marriage or children to him or have other people said something about this to him?
Some men are quite happy to be in relationship until the above is mentioned. Rather than tell there girlfriend I don't want to get married or have children they plod along for a few years more or decide to end it with out tell the other person the reason why.
If he is unwilling to chat to you about the reason why he ended things I would tell him that you won't contact him again and that your are moving on with your life.
He needs to realise that your not going to be there in the future for him or when he decides that he wants you back in his life what once what ever problems he has in his life are sorted out. I watched a friend of mine trying hard to get a dead relationship back for a few months but she realised that he was not going to change his mind. She started to go out with friends and build up her own life. She met another man who wanted the same things as her. She is now married with a family.
I am just telling your this story to show that you can move on with your life when a long term relationship ends.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your opinions it helps to get other peoples' points of view. I really don't believe that he has cheated as it is just not something that he would do, he has always been disgusted when the subject of infidelity comes up, its just not him. I think I might go with the option of writing him a letter, to be honest at this stage I don't know if I would even want him back (I'm really angry about it all today), it seems to me that he is burying his head and wallowing in the situation. I still love him and think I always will but the pain he has put me through is so hard to take, at this stage I would just like him to be able to say that he is happy with his decision and explain why he did what he did, I don't think that's too much to ask. At the end of the day if he doesn't love me any more then what has he got to lose by telling me the reason why??? The horrible thing is I doubt I will ever know what really happened and this is stopping me from moving on with my life, I've been stuck like this for the past 3 months and I would really love to be able to sleep again.