Not Sure What to Do

Rahl

Sorry this is a bit long.

I met a girl online in August. Went really great, clicked very well, told each other we liked each other a lot. Took down our profiles and all after couple dates.

It was fine for the first couple months or so. She even stayed with me for a weekend in my place. When we first started seeing each other we were only an hour apart. But I've gone back to college and she has had to move home for a while as she's currently job hunting. It's a few hours apart so its been an issue a few times. When she was with me that weekend we had a little tiff, she was upset but we worked it out. As we made up, she asked if we could be proper boyfriend and girlfriend, I delighted agreed. A few days later she claimed to not even remember having this conversation. She said it was down to her being very upset and all over the place after the row, hence why she didn't remember. I was very put out, couldn't imagine myself forgetting that.

Anyway I currently haven't seen her in about six weeks, even though we'd agreed to arrange something every 2/3 weeks if possible. Although we do talk on the phone every night. I suppose a lot of it is genuine though, only weekends suit me cause of college, otherwise she'd be sitting in my flat all most of the day. SO there were weekends she had stuff on which I knew of well in advance so I was ok with that. Its annoying but she hasn't much cash for travel and I'm doing my final college year so I guess its better to have more time to put into my work and then can look forward to a few days relaxation when she'd come down.

She was meant to come down last week but we had a bit of a tiff over the phone, mostly my doing. I was frustrated (not seeing her and her "forgetting" us being a proper couple didn't help) and practically ended things so she was upset and didn't want to come down that weekend, which I kinda understood as the fight happened only a couple days before she was meant to come down, I'd prob feel awkward as well. She said she wanted us to start again after all the drama, stop being a couple and just go back to seeing each other like the start, except no getting with others. She said a lot of it was cause how hurt she had been her ex, he cheated on her a few times and made her feel very low in herself and she was afraid I'd hurt her too cause of the fighting and wanting to end it.

She said she felt we had rushed things too quickly, it had happened with the ex and it turned out badly. I dunno maybe she had a point? We had only had 4 or so dates before having the talk about being a couple.

Now please I'm aware theres been a lot of drama in the early stages. It was just bad communication and has been sorted, but I need advice on how its currently.

Her mam is very sick and while shes at home shes taken on the mantle of caring for her. Apparently her siblings don't do a lot now shes there to do it. We were chatting midweek and she was crying saying she was under so much pressure and she didn't know if she was in the right place to see me. She revealed that she found out her dad has been up to no good with another woman while his wife is ill. Then told me at the same time she loves me and doesn't want to let me go. She then said she needed a bit of space. I gave it her, heard nothing for a day. Then got a call of her the next day after she'd been to the hospital with her mam. She said she just wanted to see how I was. She then was saying she'd come down to me next weekend as its midterm. She forgot that some of her sisters would be home so she wouldn't have to worry about leaving her mam and could come to me. I then heard nothing all yesterday, but yet she had time for posting crap on facebook.

My problem is she wanted space but then gets in touch only to blank me again, but says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. What gets me is if I was in her shoes I know I want her and wouldn't push her away.

So last night I just thought to myself that I feel so headwrecked and confused. I wrote her a long message saying I can't handle this as I don't know whether we're coming or going. I also wonder if she actually loves me or not, that episode with forgetting that chat about being a couple doesn't sit well.

She responded to my message in the early hours, said her aunt had passed late last night (she had told my ages ago how this aunt was very ill too) and she was at the hospital. She said she was really sorry and said the way she was acting to me wasn't right, even with what was happening in her life.

What I'm wondering is... Is it worth telling her to get in touch in a few weeks, month or whatever when she has got her life and stress sorted? Or does it even seem worth it? I really like her and do think she likes me but all this carry on has me very confused. She was great up until the last few weeks.

Ellsbells

Ah you know you dont need this hassle this early in your relationship and especially in your final year.

I personally would let it go. She seems a little bit dramatic when she wouldnt come for the weekend after having a tiff days earlier.... It doesnt bode well IMHO

Abi

I agree with Ells OP, it is way to early in a relationship to be having these kind of problems. She seems a mess, and no where near ready for a relationship. She still is still insecure after her relationship with her ex, she needs to address this before she can be with you. It seems to me she is saying what you want to hear in order to hold on to you, I think she just needs to feel needed / wanted or in something, again, this goes back to the insecurity issues she has.

Way to messy, and it's only going to become more frustrating and confusing for you.

TheGunns

Im going to have to disagree with the other posters OP. I think if you think you like her (or love her back) you really should hold onto her.

I had a lot of drama with my current girlfriend when we started going out but we both stuck it through and boy am I glad that I didnt let her go. I really couldnt imagine life without her. Other factors from outside of us were causing us to fight and much unpleasantness but it all subsided. I really cant put into words how the decision has affected my life and this is almost 3 years ago now.

About forgetting stuff, it really can happen when youre all over the place and theres nothing to be too worried about. Its annoying and its worrying but in the end there really is nothing to it.

Nothing is ever perfect but somethings will get very close. This relationship you have could be one of those things or it might not be. Youll never know though if you let her go. I certainly dont envy you being in this extremely tough position.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not sure if I'm reading it right, but it seems to me if you don't hear from her for 1 day that you are annoyed that she hasn't time to contact you, but has time to be on Facebook?

Does she have to be in contact with you every day? Is that what 'taking it slow' means to you? Maybe I'm wrong and longer periods go between you hearing from her, but her mam is unwell, and her aunt died... she is busy.

I do have to agree with the others though, at this early in the relationship, there should be no tiffs. Nothing! You should both be on your best behaviour trying to please the other one!

And I think the "I don't remember" line is a bit dodgy. Even if she didn't remember, when you reminded her she should have been able to decide there and then whether she wanted you to be official or not.

It sounds a bit like she doesn't know what she wants, but you know exactly what you want. So at the minute you're a bit at odds with each other. Maybe back off for a while. Tell her you understand her life is stressful enough without you adding to the worry. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs an ear or someone to lean on, and that you will are willing to wait a while, if that what she thinks she needs.

Only you know if it's worth hanging around for... but if you do hang around you can't put pressure on her to be ready immediately. You will also have to prepare yourself for the fact that you might be waiting a while, and it still mightn't work out like you want. But that's a chance that you take, I suppose.

Rahl

I am very grateful for you all taking time to reply.

Big Bag of Chips I think you have got me wrong or perhaps I've been too confusing.

I'm not annoyed at not hearing from her for one day. We have been in contact daily since the start, she will even be the one calling me most nights. But there have been a couple of times I might not hear from her for a day or maybe two cause she was visiting friends in Dublin, which I was cool with. Our taking it slow was just getting to know each other, enjoying each others company and all that without rushing into making it official, meeting each others friends, etc.

What I was getting at about the facebook thing was she told me two days previous she wanted time to herself. Which was fine by me in my head I figured I wouldn't be talking to her for a few days or a week or so maybe. Only for her to call a day or so later and have a normal chat like always, then she mentions coming down to me the following weekend. So to me thats very confusing, she needed time but yet she was gonna travel down to me the following weekend? But then Friday nothing again. Might I add it was very late last night they were informed about the aunt so that wasn't why I heard nothing yesterday. Shes been at home a good few weeks but its only the last week or so all this about her mam and stuff is happening as well. It's not the fact I'm hearing nothing its just complete mixed signals to me. She needs space for a bit, but rings a day later and talks about visitng a week later. So I am/was very confused at what was going on you know? Does she need time still or was it getting better as she mentioned coming down?

Look I can understand all your concerns about the drama and usually I'd agree. But in the grand scheme we had two fights which we ironed out, they were mostly bad communication. I really like and think I may even fall for her so I am finding it hard to let go. The thing is but for the times around those fights, the last two months have been great 99% of the time we get on so well, better than I ever have with anyone. It's since Tuesday things have gotten like this.

It's just I'm sooo confused as whats going on. It's like she needs space, but then doesn't seem to need it. I really don't think its wrong to wonder whats going on when someone says they need space only to call you a day or so later and talk about coming down to you for a few days. Plus that episode with forgetting the chat about being official really got me. Is it really possible to forget something like that? Even if she was all over the place? It seems like an important chat to me and I honestly don't think I'd forget no matter what happened.

Like I sent a message saying I can't do it the way things are going and she acknowledged she's been very hard towards me.

But I feel like I want to try and get past this. But I do think I need to back off for a bit. Whether its for a week, weeks or a month before we really start talking again. It's just I'm afraid I'll hang around for ages hoping we'll sort it and then she won't want me and I'll be crushed

I feel very bad having sent that message after her aunt dying. I was thinking of just sending a follow up message saying if she needs to talk to anyone she can always call me and she wants to try again when things have settled feel free to contact me?

But if I do that will I only seem like I'm playing games?

Big Bag of Chips

No! The 'playing games' part comes in when you are thinking one thing and doing/saying another.

You are confused by what's going on at the moment - because you don't know. The only way to find out is by talking to her. If she is messing you around with 'wanting space' and then not wanting space you need to talk to her. Ask her. I can't see how you being straight out and direct, and saying what you are honestly feeling and thinking can be seen as 'playing games'.

You say your arguments in the past were due to bad communication.. well you still seem to have bad communication, so you are going to continue to have rows.

She's obviously a nice girl and that is why you have fallen for her, big time. You know her better than anyone here. You know how best to approach this with her.

Maybe she is a genuine, genuinely nice girl, and just not available, at this time, for a proper relationship. Maybe her 'messing you around' is not really her character, but down to how hectic her life is at the minute. It's up to you to decide what to do now. Stick around waiting for her, or move on and see what happens when she does become available.

One shot on kill

Maybe it isn't her time at the minute. It's not yours you need your head straight for your final year and that's all that should matter to you at the min and what ever relationship you are in should make room for that and let it happen in a stress free atmosphere.

Also if she really loved you and felt the same for you she would include you and lean on you in a time of need and you should be there for her.

In my opinion ( humble or otherwise ) give her space let her deal with her stuff and you set up the rest of your life by getting through your final year.

If see is pushing you away at a vulnerable time for her there will always be problems, and in my experience if the x is a problem now at the start of your relationship it will always be and it will be the foundation and problem of a few good arguments. Your not the x and shouldn't even hear about it and there problems.

NOW if she has moved on and the x isn't a problem it would be ok to talk that stuff over but when she is insecure it is and will be a problem.

Let things be and if its meant to be she will do full circle and ye will meet up again if not you will meet someone else and realise what it's all about. Keep your head on straight and don't let it bother you that much.

Scientists have been trying to figure out the female brain for century's your not gonna do it in one relationship.

As I always say she isn't a bad person and he isn't a bad person they just weren't good together.

Best of luck.

FrogMarch

Rahl wrote: »

A few days later she claimed to not even remember having this conversation.

Rahl wrote: »

She said a lot of it was cause how hurt she had been her ex, he cheated on her a few times and made her feel very low in herself and she was afraid I'd hurt her too cause of the fighting and wanting to end it.

Rahl wrote: »

I'm aware theres been a lot of drama in the early stages.

Rahl wrote: »

Her mam is very sick... her dad has been up to no good with another woman... She responded to my message in the early hours, said her aunt had passed late last night

Rahl wrote: »

I then heard nothing all yesterday, but yet she had time for posting crap on facebook.

Rahl wrote: »

My problem is she wanted space but then gets in touch only to blank me again, but says she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. What gets me is if I was in her shoes I know I want her and wouldn't push her away.

Rahl wrote: »

headwrecked and confused.

Rahl wrote: »

she needed time but yet she was gonna travel down to me the following weekend? But then Friday nothing again.

Rahl wrote: »

mixed signals

Rahl wrote: »

drama

Rahl wrote: »

It's like she needs space, but then doesn't seem to need it.

Rahl wrote: »

Is it really possible to forget something like that?

Drama. Push/pull. Gaslighting. Playing on your sympathies. Etc.

Run a mile mate. Sounds very like you're in the teething stages of an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship.

Ellsbells

FrogMarch wrote: »

Drama. Push/pull. Gaslighting. Playing on your sympathies. Etc.

Run a mile mate. Sounds very like you're in the teething stages of an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship.

Exactly!!! How would you forget you asked someone to be your boyfriend???? She is definitely playing games with you. Maybe she learned this from her ex and she thinks its normal. It's not and it is already draining your time.

Stavro Mueller

What you could do is tell her you're going to give her the space to sort herself out. And if you do get back together, there's to be none of this headwrecking nonsense. Because if there is, you're gone. I don't like sound of what she has been doing but perhaps it's because she's so messed up after everything that has happened. If she genuinely likes you and is sorry for what she has done, she'll get herself together and make amends for what she has done.

In the meantime, your focus should be on your studies and getting the best grades you can, not fretting over this girl and her odd behaviour.

FrogMarch

Ellsbells wrote: »

Maybe she learned this from her ex

Well adjusted adults don't learn gaslighting from ex partners. It's usually due to a messed up, negligent or abusive upbringing in their own right. And it's not a trivial, slightly wrong behaviour. It's part of her core pathology and makes her a very dangerous person to be in a relationship with. FWIW OP - she wants to confuse you and distort your reality so that you question whether that conversation ever even took place. Gaslighting. Really, really dangerous.

Ellsbells

Who said she was well adjusted? She doesn't sound it to me.

FrogMarch

Ellsbells wrote: »

Who said she was well adjusted? She doesn't sound it to me.

Precisely.

Rahl

Thanks all.

I got a reply very early this morning to my message telling her we we should leave it.

It was along the lines "thanks for being so understanding, you deserve better. I wish all the best for your future x"

Theres my answer I guess I really do wonder if she actually liked me that much at all As a poster here said if she actually loved me I'd have thought she'd lean on me rather than push me away

I said it's ok and to get in touch if she was feeling better as I'd like to talk again. Don't think she will though. Think I've been played for a fool here Honestly think my judgement is completely screwed up after this. Was sure this one was genieune up until the last week.

Ellsbells

Maybe she was genuine but the distance and circumstances were too much. Don't beat yourself up. It's hard to judge someone accurately after such a small amount of time

FrogMarch

OP - I'd be inclined to delete her number and cut all contact.

Rahl

Again my thanks.

Yes Frog I have no intention of contacting her again. I text her twice yesterday saying I hope she's ok and if she needed to talk about her aunt she could always call me. I also said that while I didn't want to let her go I'd like to try again if she got settled.

I didn't even get a reply. Maybe considering the circumstances I'm asking too much for a reply, I dunno. But I've done all I can.

I'm kinda doing ok as I know I can't afford to spend time mulling on this.

One thing thats been kinda playing on my mind though... Early in the week around the same time she didn't know if she was in the right place she added a guy on facebook from where she used live before going back home. Now usually I wouldn't take no notice but from what I can see she and he have readded each other four separate time since last Feb. She had a habit of removing me when we fell out, but added me again.

I was even telling a few mates and they agreed it seems a little suss with all the readding. Kinda looks like he and she may have/had a thing, maybe fall out and not talk for while then get back in contact or something. Although I know for definite he's not the ex that hurt her, the only guy she's was ever going out with.

FrogMarch

Stop thinking about it, cut all contact and find someone who'll reciprocate your affections and someone who is suited to you and that you're comfortable with. You don't want, need or deserve the drama so do yourself a favour. I know it's easier said than done but you'll need to take a step back and realise this is a toxic situation. The sooner you walk away, the sooner you can detox.

One shot on kill

Cop on and move on.

It's true what them say love is blind

If you can't even see its obviously not bothering her.

What you texting her for if you don't want to be with her your just being a lap dog now move on and be happy yourself.

She isn't making a flute out you now because your doi g it yourself.

I'm sorry but it has to be said forget her and move on.