Flakey Friends

LegacyUser

So I have a friend who I was once very close to. They had emigrated for a year last year but have been back a few months. We kept in contact through emails while they were away. I was excited to meet up with them when they came home but they said they were a bit depressed to meet up as they couldn't find a job.

Now this friend lives in Kildare while I live in Dublin so I was aware without a job it would cost them money to come to Dublin. So I sent them an email to say I knew it was a bit of a trek to come to Dublin when there was no real reason (job) to come up other than to meet up. That was fine then last week they said they would be visiting their Granny who lives in Dublin on Wednesday (yesterday) and could we meet up. I responded saying I was available. Sent them another text a few days ago and nothing since. No email or text yesterday to say they couldn't meet.

They've done this once or twice before during our friendship but not a lot. Seeing as we haven't seen eachother in so long I can't help but feel this to be rude and disrespectful towards me.

I'm just wondering how do other people deal with flakey friends? Especially when they don't even bother to contact you at all.

Idle Passerby

Let your friend settle back into life at home for a bit, if they emigrated something must have gone wrong for them to be home again so soon. They said they weren't in a great head space and are probably worn out with everyone asking the same questions about what they're going to do now. Its annoying they didn't respond to your text but they know where you are and that you'd like to catch up, the balls in their court if they want to do that.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Let your friend settle back into life at home for a bit, if they emigrated something must have gone wrong for them to be home again so soon. They said they weren't in a great head space and are probably worn out with everyone asking the same questions about what they're going to do now. Its annoying they didn't respond to your text but they know where you are and that you'd like to catch up, the balls in their court if they want to do that.

Emigrate was probably the wrong term as it was only ever meant to be for one year with their OH. They were happy to come home as they didn't like where they were. They've been home now for 5 months.

I know how annoying people can be asking what you're doing with yourself etc. Which is why I gave them space and didn't put pressure on them to come up. It's just they instigated this meet up and have blanked me since.

But "the balls in their court" is quite true.

edellc

OP I think your being very harsh here, there are plenty of reasons why your friend may not have been in touch.

Can you imagine coming back here to no job and being stuck with no money, the whole existence you had prior to leaving is gone, 5 months of that is enough to drive any to depression and when you have depression your in no frame of mind to meet up with anyone as you have nothing to say for yourself and your confidence is shot. Depression is a horrible thing and effects everyone differently but lots of people who have it dont want to venture outside their front door, let alone sit in a coffee shop having small talk.

So if you value the friendship and care about your friend then you could text again and say hey we where suppose to make arrangements for wednesday and never heard from you just wanted to make sure everything is okay......

I think the ball is actually in your court op

LegacyUser

edellc wrote: »

OP I think your being very harsh here, there are plenty of reasons why your friend may not have been in touch.

Can you imagine coming back here to no job and being stuck with no money, the whole existence you had prior to leaving is gone, 5 months of that is enough to drive any to depression and when you have depression your in no frame of mind to meet up with anyone as you have nothing to say for yourself and your confidence is shot. Depression is a horrible thing and effects everyone differently but lots of people who have it dont want to venture outside their front door, let alone sit in a coffee shop having small talk.

So if you value the friendship and care about your friend then you could text again and say hey we where suppose to make arrangements for wednesday and never heard from you just wanted to make sure everything is okay......

I think the ball is actually in your court op

You've assumed quite a lot from the very little I have written. I'm well aware of what it's like coming home from abroad and not having employment for months on end. I've just come through quite severe depression myself in the last few months. I know all too well about depression, not wanting to leave the house and everything else that comes with it.

This friend has always been flakey in forgetting to text back and bailing at the last minute. They just once or twice have completely blanked me after making plans. I know it's nothing serious from their Facebook. And they socialise in their area.

I don't see how the ball is in my court at this stage. Like Idle Passerby has said "they know where you are and that you'd like to catch up". At some point you just end up feeling like a fool endlessly contacting them and getting nothing back.

Cheeky_gal

Hey OP

I would give your friend some space. He/she told you that they were a bit depressed. As a previous poster said, maybe they are genuinely worn out.

Also I'm sure he/she is receiving plenty of texts/calls asking to meet up seen as they've only arrived home from been away for the past year.

All the best

edellc

Catch123 wrote: »

You've assumed quite a lot from the very little I have written. I'm well aware of what it's like coming home from abroad and not having employment for months on end. I've just come through quite severe depression myself in the last few months. I know all too well about depression, not wanting to leave the house and everything else that comes with it.

This friend has always been flakey in forgetting to text back and bailing at the last minute. They just once or twice have completely blanked me after making plans. I know it's nothing serious from their Facebook. And they socialise in their area.

I don't see how the ball is in my court at this stage. Like Idle Passerby has said "they know where you are and that you'd like to catch up". At some point you just end up feeling like a fool endlessly contacting them and getting nothing back.

So you came on here not really looking for peoples opinions but for everyone to sympathise with you...okay then

And if you have dealt with depression then you know it effects people differently who's to say your friend was just having a bad day
Did genuinely want to meet up but just couldn't face the world

Anyway you seem to know everything so I don't think you actually want advise at least that's the impression from your post above Or you just want everyone to get say get rid of said friend they are awful and you deserve much better, so I think you should get rid of said friend you can do so much better

All the best then

LegacyUser

edellc wrote: »

So you came on here not really looking for peoples opinions but for everyone to sympathise with you...okay then

And if you have dealt with depression then you know it effects people differently who's to say your friend was just having a had day

Anyway you seem to know everything so I don't think you actually want advise at least that's the impression from you post above Or you just want everyone to get say get rid of said friend they are awful and you deserve much better, so u think you should get rid of said friend you can do so much better

All the best then

You don't have to be so passive agressive. If you don't have anything constructive to say then move on. There's also no need for you to make jibes assuming what I do and don't want people to say on here.

I was telling you that I understand their position about unemployment and the feelings that come with that and depression. Depression doesn't mean you lose all common decency and manners.

You're also wrong in thinking I want the friendship to finish. There's only so much I can do on my end. Being the one to continously make the effort gets tiring and feeling like your chasing a friend at some point it's on the other person to make some sort of move which Idle Passerby put it well that they know I want to catch up so the ball is in their court.

They came home last Christmas for a few weeks, I asked to meet up but they didn't. This type of thing has gone on before they even came back from abroad.

edellc

Then get over it and walk away they obviously don't want to be your friend so stop wasting energy trying

People grow out of each other, I don't think friends are for life, a golden few are but most are just there for certain periods in time and then drift and at some stage your paths cross again and sometimes they don't

There is a reason why your friend has acted they way they have but don't feel like the want to acknowledge or tell you so move on

Yes you may have unresolved issues and feel a bit hard done by, and that you can't voice your feelings to them that's natural, I would be annoyed too, so I always find writing it all down (just for you) helps get it all out and once it is you can move on, if this friend then gets in touch then you can choose if you want them in your life or not

It's you who chooses to let this person upset you so choose to make it stop

Big Bag of Chips

If she's always been flaky why are you expecting anything else from her now? You are setting yourself up to be disappointed by her.

You also need to accept that you are 1 person in her life. So while you only need to meet up with her... She has many others to meet up with too. Along with just taking it easy, and doing her own thing without meeting anyone.

As already mentioned, you've tried to meet up with her, numerous times. It hasn't happened. Don't make an eejit of yourself by continuing to chase her. But don't cut off all contact and not meet her just to prove a point either. We're all guilty of using the line "we really should meet up soon", and rarely actually do it.

If she calls to arrange to meet you, meet her. If she doesn't.. just go with it. If she can't come to Dublin, why can't you go to where she lives?

For now, I'd just leave it and see what happens. But don't be too hard on her, and don't think she's deliberately avoiding you either.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I will be leaving it up to them in future. When they contact me next I will have to say it to them and give them an outlet to end the friendship. If they want to be friends, fine. If they don't that's really ok with me at this stage. I'd prefer to be more aquaintances or ex-friends with no bad feelings then half-assed friends.