What would you do?

LegacyUser

He people.

Have a bit of a problem at them moment.
Going out with a girl for the last six months. Love her to bits and would do anything for her.
Yet since the start of the relationship there has been a nagging issue.

She is friends with a guy she used sleep with. Now she told me about it and said that there is nothing there and it was a mistake. She was friends before with this guy.
What bothers me is they text quite a bit, he is part of her group of friends so contact is inevitable. I accept that, and I accept the fact that he was/is her friend, although I dislike it thoroughly.

See the issue is, in a previous relationship there was a similar situation. I subsequently walked in on my then other half in bed with the lad. Needless to say the relationship ended there and then. I wasnt too hurt by having to break that off as I was coming to the point where I wanted to move on and the connection was lost.

So back to present day, my now girlfriend has this friend and text a bit. I havent looked at her messages but have seen the name pop up now and then. She doesnt hide that she talks to him but doesnt say how much she is talking to him either. I have yet to meet him but that is not for lack of trying on the GF's part just different arrangements and him not being out when the rest of the gang are out etc. He does have a girlfriend at the moment, I know that much.

She has never ever given me a reason to suspect anything and she does seem to be completely honest. Yet from my past experience I just have some insecurities.

Im not sure what I'm looking for here, I suppose more a female input, do you have male friends who you have slept with and now have a completely platonic relationship which would never amount to anything? Or am I right in saying that her texting him etc is a bit on the strange side?

I know in reality I am probably over reacting completely. But this is in due course the girl I would like to marry. She and I seem to be on the same page with everything, from humor to life ambitions and views. We are still incredibly affectionate, her more than me, even six months in, and six months of seeing each other every second day and all weekends. I just dont want my paranoia to get in the way of a fufiling and life long relationship. I think I just need reassurance that this behavior is someway normal. Is it?

Ellsbells

whatwouldyoudo wrote: »

do you have male friends who you have slept with and now have a completely platonic relationship which would never amount to anything?

No. I could never get back to purely platonic once there had been any kind of 'relationship'. I think if there is enough chemistry there to sleep with someone then there is chemistry there full stop. Thats just me though.

whatwouldyoudo wrote: »

Or am I right in saying that her texting him etc is a bit on the strange side?

Not necessarily but then we dont know how much they are in contact.

whatwouldyoudo wrote: »

I know in reality I am probably over reacting completely. But this is in due course the girl I would like to marry. She and I seem to be on the same page with everything, from humor to life ambitions and views. We are still incredibly affectionate, her more than me, even six months in, and six months of seeing each other every second day and all weekends. I just dont want my paranoia to get in the way of a fufiling and life long relationship. I think I just need reassurance that this behavior is someway normal. Is it?

I think yout gut is telling you this girl can be trusted and thats more than any of us on here can tell you. Dont let the past hiccup destroy this relationship. Some people can go platonic with their ex's. Proceed but do keep an eye open.

LegacyUser

You say that you could never go back to purely platonic? Have you ever felt the want or actually gone back to someone? Just out of curiosity. Or is it more of a fleeting bit of chemistry that you would never act on again?

She described their relationship as just a mistake as she was in a bad place etc. And that it only happened a few times. She did state that she used be at a stage where she would get extremely drunk and that. She has calmed down alot in that respect just before and since she met me. Although there have been nights where she has exceeded her limit and has been very drunk the level of external untoward flirting that usually accompanies it is gone. Thankfully.

Their contact from what I can see is just by text or when they are out with the big group of friends they chat away. Well that is the impression I get and that, and from the few nights I have picked her up from town. She said she wouldn't hang out with him on his own.

Yes my gut is telling me to put it all behind and leave it be, but its hard for me considering I have seen it first hand. However the level of attraction in the previous relationship and the emotional intimacy was not very intense. Unlike this one.

I would like to point out that I will never make her chose between me and a friend, even if she has slept with him or whatever prior to meeting me, as its not my place to call, and Im not that type of person. She is her own person and Im not going to limit her in life. I just want her to be happy.

Neyite

You cant hold what an ex did to you against your current girlfriend.

I get that we can be battle scarred from our experiences and that can make us wary in future situations, but you have to trust that they are two very different people in two very different relationships.

On my facebook are a few previous partners. No biggie. Certainly have no romantic feelings for them at all, they are all either married or as good as married. Its just nice to see how they are getting on, and if we all lived nearby, chances are they would be in the same social circle without issue.

whatwouldyoudo

whatwouldyoudo wrote: »

Im not sure what I'm looking for here, I suppose more a female input, do you have male friends who you have slept with and now have a completely platonic relationship which would never amount to anything?

Yes.

I'd keep an eye out for anything strange if I were you OP, but from what you've said here it sounds totally ok.

Katgurl

Ive been in your girlfriends position and it's been completely innocent.

Look at it this way -
They didn't continue sleeping together
She clearly isn't hurt or disappointed as she's fine being friends so not holding a torch for him
She told you the truth
She has tried to introduce you
She doesn't conceal the contact

I would bet money that even if they both found themselves single tomorrow their 'relationship' would remain purely platonic.

Just to add - your ex was clearly a slapper, don't let her bad behaviour colour your judgement here.

Idbatterim

heard this the other day, thought there was a hint of truth to it! "guys regret the girls they didnt sleep with, girls regret the guys they did sleep with!

djimi

Either you trust her or you dont. Talk to her about it and if she says that there is nothing going on more than them being friends then its up to you whether or not to believe her. If you believe here and trust her then wheres the issue? If you dont believe her and dont trust her then walk away. Its that simple.