Virgin...finding it tough

LegacyUser

Im a female in my early-mid 20s. I dont want to sound big headed but im fairly attractive and never have any problem finding a male who is interested in me. The "problem" is that im a virgin and do not want to have sex. Its not for religious reasons. I do want to eventually, but I feel like it has to be with the right person and that just hasnt happened yet. I had a few relationships (2 of them lasted over a year) and I had no problem with oral sex once the relationship started to get serious, but thats as far as I was ever comfortable to go. I also get quite embarrassed telling men I am a virgin.

This is starting to become a problem for me because most men around my age kind of expect sex after a few dates/when it becomes a relationship, and I completely understand why. I don't want to have sex just for the sake of it but then again I don't want to end up alone and possibly never find "the one"... because I don't know what exactly it will take for me to be comfortable having sex. My last bf was a bit of a creep but I know he was definitely in love with me, I just didn't feel the same way and ended things when I knew my feelings werent going to change.

Now I have this guy who is interested in me, I think he is very attractive and he has made it clear he thinks the same about me and keeps asking when we will go for a drink. I would love to go out for a drink with him but I get the impression he is the kind of guy who would expect sex early on in any kind of relationship, so I just try to change the subject.

I know nobody can make up my mind for me but any kind of advice would be appreciated I don't know if I should continue to save myself in the hopes that I will find someone I "click" with and feel comfortable having sex, or just do it anyways.

A lot of guys seem to lose interest in me in the past when I say I am a virgin, the others seem to think of me as some kind of goal to "break" me, for lack of a better phrase.

LegacyUser

You've had no lack of men in your life and yet you haven't found the love you so desire. It can't be fun. The only criteria for you to be comfortable to have sex is to be in love, and you get all this male attention. One would think that you would have endless opportunities to find love.

If you've been in two relationships over a year and yet you haven't found the right person to fall in love and have sex with, I think your choice of partner must be to blame. In fairness, you say your last bf was a bit of a creep and you've met two guys that were willing to 'wait' for you. I think most people have the opposite problem. They wrongly believe they are in love and make mistakes but time eventually corrects them.

Have you considered that you have maybe been insulated by being in the luxurious position of having a queue of guys to ask you out? If finding love was the main criteria, I wonder why you speak of attractiveness more than other superlatives like a 'wonderful new guy that asked you out'. Somehow, I think your personal growth might have been stunted in some way and I think you may be coming to the realisation that something has been wrong with your approach to your relationships.

Ask yourself if you know anyone from your past that you thought you could have fallen in love with if things were different. Do you find yourself wishing that some particular person might ask you out and they don't? If so, it may be time to start taking that swallow and asking some guys out yourself.

Hardonraging

You're relationship's will never develop fully if you don't engage in sex with your partner, it's generally the final piece of the puzzle that connects two people together.

And yes, any guy who has left you clearly has done so due to the lack of sex, it's 2012 not 1220, i appreciate you want to wait to find the "right" guy, but who's the right guy. you clearly haven't found him yet, and may never ..

LegacyUser

Thank you for the reply firstly.

I realize my post may come off a bit shallow on reading back on it, and thats not my intention at all. Most of the men I have dated have been fairly "average" looking so I do not just seek out looks in potential partners. I also didn't know my ex was a creep during the whole relationship or I wouldn't have stayed in it I suppose I had hoped that eventually I would fall in love with those men and it just never happened - we clicked more on a friendship level than anything else.

When I say I find someone attractive I mean the whole package - how they look, their personality, etc. maybe I should have been more clear on that.

LegacyUser

Just to be clear, I was never dumped. Any relationship I was in: I ended things. Not bragging just want to be clear on it. I appreciate the reply though and I do think you are probably right because I have not yet found "the right guy" to do it with... I just need to get over my fear I suppose

ranger123

Hardonraging wrote: »

it's 2012 not 1220

yeah its 2012 where we all became brain washed, neutralized & isolated from our human roots .. its really harsh to assume a good relation will develop based on sex,eh ok..look through the board how many relation problem in there? most those people have good sex life. however, they breaking up after 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 years. why?

how far we are sure the person we will have sex with after few dates will stick around & develop life long relationship?

My friend the truth is love & sex are different values..wait!! I can get sex with 30 euro but I can get love with million!!

OP: you will find a person who is really will appreciate who you are & the virgin one is the precious one in the deep of every MAN subconscious.
The one`s who ran away because CANT have sex with you will surely run after get it from you..because they simply see one thing in you!

I remember one post here a week ago where I lady asking why every guy she slept with is disappearing..surprisingly all men replies was: they disappear because they are after one thing which is sex..right! so why now in this post all men make the assumption that sex is main factor for developing good relation..from other hand, careful reading to the posts in this forum reflect one truth which is we are really gone far in creating Paradoxical & muddled society (TV is criminal invention)


sorry for the messy writing

Hardonraging

ranger123 wrote: »

yeah its 2012 where we all became brain washed, neutralized & isolated from our human roots .. its really harsh to assume a good relation will develop based on sex,eh ok..look through the board how many relation problem in there? most those people have good sex life. however, they breaking up after 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 years. why?

how far we are sure the person we will have sex with after few dates will stick around & develop life long relationship?

My friend the truth is love & sex are different values..wait!! I can get sex with 30 euro but I can get love with million!!

OP: you will find a person who is really will appreciate who you are & the virgin one is the precious one in the deep of every MAN subconscious.
The one`s who ran away because CANT have sex with you will surely run after get it from you..because they simply see one thing in you!

I remember one post here a week ago where I lady asking why every guy she slept with is disappearing..surprisingly all men replies was: they disappear because they are after one thing which is sex..right! so why now in this post all men make the assumption that sex is main factor for developing good relation..from other hand, careful reading to the posts in this forum reflect one truth which is we are really gone far in creating Paradoxical & muddled society (TV is criminal invention)


sorry for the messy writing

I think you're misinterpreting my reply my non English speaking friend, Sex is important in a relationship as it's the final portion that bring a man and a woman together.

On it's own it has nothing to do with how long the relationship will last ..it's part of the over all package, infact as you point out, we see many thread's here from poster's who complain that their relationships are doomed due to a bad sex life ...

Simply put, some times a guy will want sex only, and wont call a girl after, why ? pick a reason, there' millions !! other times a guy will sleep with a girl and they may go on to have a relationship after, what was different ? again who knows, there' millions of different variables and answers.

The bottom line in the OP's case, she's not having sex, the relationship's are going now where and she cant figure out why she's not falling in love with a guy ...

Ohh and finally there's also the old argument that women associate emotion and love with sex, let's just throw that out there also ..

DaisyD2

whatdoido22 wrote: »

. I do think you are probably right because I have not yet found "the right guy" to do it with... I just need to get over my fear I suppose

What fear? Why should you just "get over it"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ......

...... in feeling this way, you probably feel alone because society has & is moving so fast that its become "normal" to jump in the sack with anyone with a Pulse!

I waited way longer than my friends & even longer past peoples perceived notions of what they thought my sex life was! Jeez some people painted me as Mae West!

For me its not about looks, fear, butterflies or anything else, when it happened it was so natural I never gave it a thought just went with it (& had a ball .

We're not together anymore (different life goals) but I don't regret waiting, don't believe I'm any kind of freak for having waited & unless I feel that spark I'm happy & comfortable enough in myself to not feel Abnormal for not conforming with societies "norms".

For a time though I did feel like a freak but honestly unless You have a problem with it its nobody elses business if we have 0 or 1000 sexual partners! & if the spark is there when it happens chances are he won't even notice

LegacyUser

OP before i go any further I should state that I have always found the notion of saving yourself for someone quite odd to be honest. What are you saving yourself from exactly?

At the end of the day it is just sex. It is a natural, biological urge or impulse the same as eating or breathing. Nothing will change after you have sex. You will still be you, and the world will continue as normal.

With that in mind I am not sure how much you will agree with my advice given my viewpoint but

What jumped out at me was the fact you had been in 2 relationships which lasted over a year, and i wonder did you ever feel the desire to have sex with either of these men?

It seems strange to me that
a) you would continue to date a man and drag out a relationship for a year when you were not sexually attracted to him
or b) That you would be sexually attracted to someone and purposely not act on that impulse; as in; you would deliberately fight the urge to have sex with the person

neither of those scenarios sound particularly healthy to me to be brutally honest.

You say you don't want to have sex "for the sake of it" and i can completely understand that but equally sex is not a precious thing reserved for those in love - sex is about having fun and relaxing and enjoying yourself and your body and your partners body. If anything sex is a bonding process which helps us fall in love, by being intimate you learn to trust your partner and let go and become vulnerable around them and deepen the relationship between the two of you. IMHO and experience (again this is only my opinion) it doesn't generally work the other way around, that you would fall madly in love with someone first and then seal the "love" by having amazing mindblowing first time sex with that person.

Do you not think perhaps that by abstaining from sex you are denying yourself the possiblity of falling in love, that for some reason you are actively and purposely stunting these relationships and not giving the chance to deepen and develop and grow? You are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trust these men, out of fear perhaps or whatever?

Now if it's just a case of you having never been properly sexually attracted to someone as in wanting to rip their clothes off as soon as you set eyes on them well then OP i think you should absolutely wait until you find someone you are madly sexually attracted to.

But if it's a case of you being crazily sexually attracted to these guys but deliberately denying that and not having sex with them until you "fall in love" with them well then I think you're shooting yourself in the foot to be honest, and in fact are skipping a major step necessary to "fall in love" .

Maybe you just need to have a long think about why exactly it is you "are saving yourself " and why you really feel the need to "save yourself"?

Hope some of that made sense....

beks101

whatdoido22 wrote: »

I have not yet found "the right guy" to do it with... I just need to get over my fear I suppose

I fully agree with the above post.

And this stood out to me.

Two important things:

You mentioned 'fear' - what exactly are you afraid of? What is it about sex with someone who might not be the 'right' guy, that scares you? Have you waited so long that the prospect of sex has become a bit daunting? You need to think about this.

And what constitutes the 'right guy'?

If a man is good enough to stay in a relationship with for a year, why is he not good enough to have sex with? Has sexual attraction been a part of your relationships - on both sides?

I believe you are doing the right thing in not having sex with someone until it feels comfortable and natural, but what exactly needs to happen in your relationship with a man for you to reach that point - if you haven't reached that point already, how are you going to recognise it?

I'm wondering if you're holding off with guys as a sort of test of their love and commitment to you - in which case sex has gone from being just sex, a physical expression of lust, desire, passion shared between two people...to being something of a bartering tool in your relationships. A sort of 'prove you love me by doing without...then we'll talk about sex'.

When in reality, sex usually serves as a bond that plays an important role in falling and staying in love with your partner.

I guess what it boils down to is that, while your views are admirable, sex is a pretty integral part of a romantic relationship to most people these days and while you shouldn't feel pressured into it at any early stage in a relationship, it's unfair to expect a guy to wait indefinitely.

daisybelle2008

whatdoido22 wrote: »

I had a few relationships (2 of them lasted over a year) and I had no problem with oral sex once the relationship started to get serious, but thats as far as I was ever comfortable to go. I also get quite embarrassed telling men I am a virgin.
I don't know if I should continue to save myself in the hopes that I will find someone I "click" with and feel comfortable having sex, .

OP I agree with the last two posters. I don't understand how you can 'click and be comfortable' enough to have an emotional relationship and oral sex with guys but for some reason penetrative sex seems to be a commodity for 'saving'.?

I am not sure if it is fear that is making you put some emotional ransom on something that is just one aspect of sex and relationships,but you really are disempowering yourself. Why not go with the flow and follow your desires. If you desire someone enough to have oral sex why not more?

I too only have sex with people I click and am comfortable with, but that happens often enough. But I don't believe in censuring my desires. I don't have regrets but I have sex because its fun and only when I feel like it. If you are happy, independent, comfortable with yourself and trust your own judgement then I believe sex would not be this big deal for you.

As a society we tend to see sex as some kind of emotional currency that women should dislike and withhold in exchange for the love and security of a man. It doesn't have to be like that.

robman60

Just so you know, being a virgin is not something to be embarrassed about. You'll find that many people are in their 20s when they lose their virginity, and it's not because something is messed up, it's just their choice. People should feel more embarrassed if they have sex just to fit someone else's beliefs of how they should live their life.

Idle Passerby

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. I don't really understand why you would drag a relationship out for a year or more if you didn't want to be with them though.

By all means wait for someone special, but don't waste your time with people you don't see as special and then wonder why you havn't met someone you like.

LegacyUser

I would agree with not sleeping with anything with a pulse.
After a few months if your with the right person sex should be part of a relationship.
Do you see sex as something that you will have with the perfect man and it will be wonderful when he comes along?
Do you keeping going out with men for a certain period of time never having sex with them until the so called perfect man comes along or do you get over the possible fear you have regarding sex?
I would get to know someone well before having sex with them and tell them it is your first time. Always use condoms.

ranger123

ithinkyouneedtorethink wrote: »

At the end of the day it is just sex.

NO its not...If you allow me to talk materialistically then read what I read today:

Brazilian student sells virginity for $780,000

http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/brazilian-student-sells-virginity-780-000-034334755.html

ranger123

OP: what you have is precious thing from all aspects, and the special one will absolutely appreciate it, thus keep for for the special one no matter how long it take.

A 95% of men will advise you to lose it...(Selfishness)

All ladies lost it will advise you to lose it...(Jealousy)

All Ladies lose it for the especial one, will advise to hold it...(because its amazing when its done in the right time with the right one)

LegacyUser

ranger123 wrote: »

OP: what you have is precious thing from all aspects, and the special one will absolutely appreciate it, thus keep for for the special one no matter how long it take.

A 95% of men will advise you to lose it...(Selfishness)

All ladies lost it will advise you to lose it...(Jealousy)

I'm not even going there...

All Ladies lose it for the especial one, will advise to hold it...(because its amazing when its done in the right time with the right one)

as for first time sex being an amazing, magical, movie moment well sorry but regardless of whether you wait 20 years for mr perfect or lose it to some guy you've know a few weeks, losing your virginity is hardly an "amazing" experience - for a lot of women it hurts (for some it hurts a lot), she may even bleed, it is far far from the earth shattering experience hollywood would like you to believe. The real fun and enjoyment only comes after when you start to explore your sexuality.

We learn and grow from experience, hiding your sexuality away like it's something shameful or treating it like a prize to be won by a worthy man is warped logic imho and very damaging to your emotional and sexual growth. Why on earth would you deny yourself the pleasure of a heathy sex life/relationship, or make a man put you on a pedestal and try and win your virginty? If a woman (or man for that matter) has to seek validation and worth in such a way, there are some much deeper underying issues at play to be honest.

Taltos

ranger123 - please read our charter - generalisations are not welcome here and can result in an infraction being issues. PI/RI is a strictly moderated forum and the onus is on the poster to know what is acceptable here and what is not.

Thanks Taltos

Chucky the tree

Just going by a few things you have said you seem to have a knack for picking up guys who are tossers. Firstly admitting the your boyfriend was a bit of creep, but then saying that guys legged it when they found out you were a virgin or found it as some challenge. Not exactly a great advertisement for other males out there. I wouldn't recommend wasting time with a guy who expect sex after a few dates and would bolt if he didn't get it. On the flip said I consider having to wait a year far to long. I think after 3 or so months you should know, maybe it has been a case they you just haven't meet the right guy.