I don't even know why I'm depressed

Eathrin

I used to post here a good while back just to talk out my problems. That was probably a year or more ago. I used to post anonymously but I'm not even ashamed of it anymore, and many people know who I am on Boards. I can honestly say my life has drastically improved since then.

I was sad that I knew no girls and I now have a girlfriend.

I was sad that I was losing my friends and now I have multiple friend groups.

I felt that I was underachieving in school (And I did underachieve in my Leaving Cert) but I still got my 1st preference course.

I was worried that I had no money and now I am in receipt of a scholarship.


Apart from being treated like muck in my home and poor self image(I would actually consider myself attractive if I wasn't so skinny and minus the mild acne), I don't have a whole lot to complain about.


AND YET...I still feel depressed. I was diagnosed with depression after seeing a counselor about 15 months ago after which I returned to sessions for about a year and took medication for about 6 months.

Is it me or is it depression? I lack a motivation to work. I am ambitious, but I am failing my college degree modules. It's not a difficulty factor, it's a ME factor.
I sometimes take entire days off just to lounge around at home doing nothing at all.
I want to do well but I'm not applying myself to do so.
I just don't give my studies any time at all when it is clearly needed.

I believe that it is the lingering depression in me that takes away my drive and motivation, is that ludicrous?

Merkin

You should go back to your GP who will be best positioned to advise.

Glad so many parts of your life have improved.

WhatNowForUs?

Depression is a pain in the hole. As the other poster said you need to go back to your GP.
Depression can prevent you from being who you are.
And also well done on achieving what you have so far.

Turtwig

Don't fall into trap that because things are going well or better in your life you shouldn't be depressed. Go back to your GP and talk to him. If you are still depressed then there's nothing wrong with that. The only wrong thing is inaction.

The worse that come of this is if you are suffering from depression and you do let it go untreated when your life really hits a rocky patch you'll be in a much worse position than someone who's mental health is in a better position. Don't neglect your mental health ever! And don't ever feel ashamed that there's a possibility you're depressed over something. It's in no way ludicrous. The absolute worse thing you can do is beat yourself up over feeling a certain way. Identify the feeling and try to understand why it is there. Hence why you need to talk to your GP. The sooner the better.

Eathrin

Jernal wrote: »

Don't fall into trap that because things are going well or better in your life you shouldn't be depressed. Go back to your GP and talk to him. If you are still depressed then there's nothing wrong with that. The only wrong thing is inaction.

The worse that come of this is if you are suffering from depression and you do let it go untreated when your life really hits a rocky patch you'll be in a much worse position than someone who's mental health is in a better position. Don't neglect your mental health ever! And don't ever feel ashamed that there's a possibility you're depressed over something. It's in no way ludicrous. The absolute worse thing you can do is beat yourself up over feeling a certain way. Identify the feeling and try to understand why it is there. Hence why you need to talk to your GP. The sooner the better.

Bear with me, I may be rambling.

It's difficult for me to understand why I need to get help, what am I even looking for? I understood when I had depression that it is not something that just goes away, it's something that may stick with you for life.

Do I get a prescription for more drugs? Do I talk to someone?
If I talk to someone, what am I even looking for?

Yes, I did believe once that when certain aspects of my life improved, the rest would follow. I don't think this has been the case. Like you said, this shouldn't necessarily be true anyway.

Depression is a pain in the hole. As the other poster said you need to go back to your GP.
Depression can prevent you from being who you are.
And also well done on achieving what you have so far.

I think it is holding me back. I really don't want to blame my shortcomings on depression though, it seems to easy to place blame on it. I'd rather just overcome it and achieve as I'm meant to.

And thank you, posters here gave me support when I needed it and always advised that time was a good healer, while I wasn't always open ears, that has certainly proved the case.

Turtwig

Eathrin wrote: »

Bear with me, I may be rambling.

It's difficult for me to understand why I need to get help, what am I even looking for? I understood when I had depression that it is not something that just goes away, it's something that may stick with you for life.

Do I get a prescription for more drugs? Do I talk to someone?
If I talk to someone, what am I even looking for?

Yes, I did believe once that when certain aspects of my life improved, the rest would follow. I don't think this has been the case. Like you said, this shouldn't necessarily be true anyway.

You might not need help, but you might and that's the point nobody on this thread can make that assessment.

I lack a motivation to work. I am ambitious, but I am failing my college degree modules. It's not a difficulty factor, it's a ME factor.
I sometimes take entire days off just to lounge around at home doing nothing at all.
I want to do well but I'm not applying myself to do so.
I just don't give my studies any time at all when it is clearly needed.

That bit above would indicate to me that you do need help. No motivation but ambitious. Doing nothing but still wanting to. But that's just my personal opinion. I can't really help you anymore than that, wish you the best, talk to your gp. Ramble away and don't feel bad about it if you do ramble, emotions are very difficult to describe but you'll find the pro's will get it out of you some way or another. You'll also find that my talking you'll begin to comprehend them more too. Learning to express ourselves is an acquired skill and even still some emotions or feelings cannot be easily expressed. So yeah ramble away, and, quite simply, you need to talk to professionals.

I have one question though:
Do you associate a sense of your self worth with your academic achievements?

Eathrin wrote: »

Do I get a prescription for more drugs? Do I talk to someone?
If I talk to someone, what am I even looking for?

Edit:
Sorry, the perils of multitasking completely missed this bit.

Who knows? That'd be something you'd have to discuss with your GP or whoever else. Yep, you do definitely need to talk to someone. Someone who will listen to you and try get to root issue of why things are going awry for you and why you are feeling this particular way.

a posse ad esse

There are many people out there that have depression and have no reasons to be depressed. Depression can be biological, some people are born with it. Perhaps this is your case? Others develop it whether it is from a bereavement, unemployment, unresolved trauma, abuse, relationship issues that caused it. Nonetheless, whether it was biological or situational counselling is very important. Cognitive Behavioural and Rational Emotive Therapy works best and teaches you healthy coping techniques. But it only works depending on how much you are willing to put into it. Finding the right therapist for you is essential too. I switched 3 times before I found my perfect match. With the right counsellor and engaging fully in your therapy will make a difference.

Try talk therapy and give it time. If you are not feeling better than speak with your GP (continue the counselling though as medications are a band-aid solution, not a cure.

If I had to do it over again and had to choose between the two, I honestly choose counselling.

dellas1979

Well, the fact that you recognise that there is something wrong it a good thing and positive.

As one other poster explained, yes sometimes depression is not just due to circumstances and what has happened you...this is the thing you now need to figure out, with help. It can actually be an illness, not just a mental illness (or a combination).

The solution could be councellor plus medication or again another combination, but you will have to speak up and speak to your gp.

Just dont suffer on in silence, in one way, that would be the easiest thing to do, but in the long term will be the hardest.

You dont have to and should not suffer unnecessarily. Just look for the help.

Eathrin

Jernal wrote: »

You might not need help, but you might and that's the point nobody on this thread can make that assessment.


That bit above would indicate to me that you do need help. No motivation but ambitious. Doing nothing but still wanting to. But that's just my personal opinion. I can't really help you anymore than that, wish you the best, talk to your gp. Ramble away and don't feel bad about it if you do ramble, emotions are very difficult to describe but you'll find the pro's will get it out of you some way or another. You'll also find that my talking you'll begin to comprehend them more too. Learning to express ourselves is an acquired skill and even still some emotions or feelings cannot be easily expressed. So yeah ramble away, and, quite simply, you need to talk to professionals.

Opinions and experience, that's all I'm looking for. I'm well aware nobody here can make a diagnosis.
Yes I am definitely ambitious. I want to achieve a lot and not let life just pass me by

I have one question though:
Do you associate a sense of your self worth with your academic achievements?

Yes I do. I've always had a greater aptitude for academia than sport, music etc. and I found that this was something that I could pride myself on. I'm finding that the less I achieve as of recently, the more I spiral into a self-depreciation cycle. I know that I am smart, in an academic sense, but I greatly fear under achievement.

Turtwig

Eathrin wrote: »

Opinions and experience, that's all I'm looking for. I'm well aware nobody here can make a diagnosis.
Yes I am definitely ambitious. I want to achieve a lot and not let life just pass me by

Yes I do. I've always had a greater aptitude for academia than sport, music etc. and I found that this was something that I could pride myself on. I'm finding that the less I achieve as of recently, the more I spiral into a self-depreciation cycle. I know that I am smart, in an academic sense, but I greatly fear under achievement.

Sorry for the belated reply.

My opinion is that you should talk to your GP and take it from there. Dellas pretty much hit the nail on the head whatever you do don't prolong dealing with the problem.

Achieving is great, but I get the sense from your post (again my opinion!) that you're attaching your own sense of self worth to achievements. Does getting an A or a C really make you a better or worse person? Put it another way, suppose you get it all together, you achieve everything you want to achieve? You get all A's, first class scholarships, international academic recognition : the lot! Will you be happy? If yes, why? If no, why?

Eathrin

Jernal wrote: »

Sorry for the belated reply.

My opinion is that you should talk to your GP and take it from there. Dellas pretty much hit the nail on the head whatever you do don't prolong dealing with the problem.

Achieving is great, but I get the sense from your post (again my opinion!) that you're attaching your own sense of self worth to achievements. Does getting an A or a C really make you a better or worse person? Put it another way, suppose you get it all together, you achieve everything you want to achieve? You get all A's, first class scholarships, international academic recognition : the lot! Will you be happy? If yes, why? If no, why?

I've decided to make an appointment soon.

No, the grades one achieves does not define the person.
But for me, I feel that this is my potential and I would be delighted to achieve it.
Yes, I would be sad if, in retrospect, I fail to achieve what I felt I could have in my academic career.

There's far more to life than this, but a waste of my greatest aptitude, or what I would consider a waste, would not do well for my self-esteem.

flyswatter

Earthrin, just one point on the OP.

You still got your first preference course and also a scholarship.

Now, I'd imagine to get that scholarship you must have done bloody well.

I really wouldn't dwell on any underachievement aspect, you're happy what you're presently studying right?

noah45

Earthrin, I have everything I have ever wanted in life, appy marriage,great kids, job I love and no major financial worries, yet I suffer from depression and have done for nearly 20 years.

It manifests in a way that I don't want to do anything and everyting seems such a big deal. I loose interest i everything andfindjoy in nothing. To get out of bed would be a huge step and then to get through the day a nightmare.

I am at present on a combination of 2 meds and can function normally. I have had counselling and cbt, both of which are great,but I definately need medication all the time.

My point to you is do not be afraid to look for help, I know you say you don't know what you are looking for,but from your description above your gp should recognise that something is not right.

Well done for posting here and please realise that anything you feel is not silly, gps are fantastic nowdays regarding depression.

You deserve to enjoy life more than you are at present. :-)

Eathrin

flyswatter wrote: »

Earthrin, just one point on the OP.

You still got your first preference course and also a scholarship.

Now, I'd imagine to get that scholarship you must have done bloody well.

I really wouldn't dwell on any underachievement aspect, you're happy what you're presently studying right?

I try not to dwell on anything that is past.
It's more a fear of what is to come.

Yes I am happy with where I got to and my present circumstances.
I want to do well in my course, but I feel this thing is holding me back somewhat.

noah45 wrote: »

Earthrin, I have everything I have ever wanted in life, appy marriage,great kids, job I love and no major financial worries, yet I suffer from depression and have done for nearly 20 years.

It manifests in a way that I don't want to do anything and everyting seems such a big deal. I loose interest i everything andfindjoy in nothing. To get out of bed would be a huge step and then to get through the day a nightmare.

I am at present on a combination of 2 meds and can function normally. I have had counselling and cbt, both of which are great,but I definately need medication all the time.

My point to you is do not be afraid to look for help, I know you say you don't know what you are looking for,but from your description above your gp should recognise that something is not right.

Well done for posting here and please realise that anything you feel is not silly, gps are fantastic nowdays regarding depression.

You deserve to enjoy life more than you are at present. :-)

Thank you, this is something I needed to hear.
I'm certain now that only good can come from a visit to my GP, whatever his diagnosis.
I feel at this stage of my life, and given the circumstances I'm in, I should be enjoying myself more and be more enthusiastic about what I do.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

It doesn't matter what you have or what you've done, how many exams you have passed, how nice or amazing a partner you've found, or if you've been alone all your life, how much or how little money you have etc etc - if you're depressed, you're depressed and it won't change to any great degree in most cases even if the things I've listed above get better or worse.

There is something (probably buried deep inside), some other root cause or set of causes thats fundamental to you feeling this way, something that happened in the past or as you were undergoing all the experiences that have made you who you are today. The only way you can begin to fix it properly and definitively is to talk to a professional person on a regular basis and to do so a lot. Its bloody hard work, excruciatingy painful at times and so many times you'll wonder is it worth the pain ans hassle. But if you work hard at it (and I mean work hard: depression is the cleverest and most resilient of foes) you will make progress and you'll begin to see things more clearly and start to figure it all out.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

It doesn't matter what you have or what you've done, how many exams you have passed, how nice or amazing a partner you've found, or if you've been alone all your life, how much or how little money you have etc etc - if you're depressed, you're depressed and it won't change to any great degree in most cases even if the things I've listed above get better or worse.

There is something (probably buried deep inside), some other root cause or set of causes thats fundamental to you feeling this way, something that happened in the past or as you were undergoing all the experiences that have made you who you are today. The only way you can begin to fix it properly and definitively is to talk to a professional person on a regular basis and to do so a lot. Its bloody hard work, excruciatingy painful at times and so many times you'll wonder is it worth the pain ans hassle. But if you work hard at it (and I mean work hard: depression is the cleverest and most resilient of foes) you will make progress and you'll begin to see things more clearly and start to figure it all out.

Overheal

OP have you tried the gym? It's brought me my longest period of non-depression in my life. You look better, have more energy, etc. I'm no physician, but consult your GP. Your body releases all manner of hormone when you exercise that might help keep you in balance. Results begin to happen rapidly, in as little as a week if you know yourself and know what to look for. At my worst I was over 280lbs, now I'm 203. In your case a body building/toning routine will help bulk you up and make you look better. And believe me when your body is toned everything else you do seems effortless and thats where you can get a lot of energy.

Depression is not to be underestimated though. It can do weird things to your drive and motivation. But consult your GP, and ask about working out.