Unusual, Diffident, Guy

LegacyUser

I'm seperated from my husband and moving towards divorce. I've known this guy for about seven years, have gradually got closer to him, heavy flirting, a few little kisses, several non-official "dates", been on holiday with him (with two friends who were a couple).

Anyway, I really like him, so much that he blocks out all others. I have tried to forget about him over the years, but it always comes back to not liking anyone else as much as him. I haven't told him this, I suspect he would run a mile. He is very shy and has never had a girlfriend (see later). He is not gay (he told me this). He seems to like attention from me and if he doesn't get it, acts pretty upset and huffy. Although he is not that demanding with his time, it would only be when we are in the same place at the same time. Have tried to arrange other dates with him, but he will clam up and often make excuses, and I don't like chancing rejection, so I don't try any more.

Following the latest upset, when he got visibly upset when I was talking to another man (was actually my cousin visiting) on a night out, and then the next day phoned up one of the friends we'd been on holiday with that he had a girlfriend who lived 200 miles away, but had never thought of mentioning it before now. (apparantly he used the word "it" to describe the relationship rather than "she"). For some reason, I didn't believe this about the girlfriend. The next time I saw him, I told him I knew he had a crush on me and that he got upset that night, and what was going on? And he told me he "wasn't a relationship person" and could never see himself getting married or having children. I told him fair enough, I respected someone who held their own views and wasn't afraid to be different, and to be honest, I felt much the same as him.

So was wondering what other people make of that? His parents divorced very acrimoneously. I would like to see him casually or at least more than I do at pressent, I am wondering whether he is the sort of guy that has a whole host of women like me that don't know about each other. I really find men like that a big turn off, although he has told me he isn't into quick flings. He used to do online dating, though I'm not sure how actively.

I also wondered if it was me. I don't want to seem too arrogant, but I get a lot of male attention, nearly all of which I turn down. He seems insecure when I speak to him. I knew him before my short marriage and he was less interested in me then, basically me getting married seemed to act as some sort of catalyst to him but I don't know whether that was because he saw me as "safe" that I was married or because he felt he had lost me.

So basically I want him, on his own terms, but at least some kind of relationship. If it doesn't last, it doesn't last, but I don't want to never try. Its not a case of wanting him just because I can't have him, its just that I really like him, and after 7 years I know him enough by now. Any ideas on how best to proceed? We don't have any regular kind of meetings, so its hard to know when we will see each other, which probably suits him!

Recently, when we've met up, we've been having all these quite intimate chats about life and relationships and what we want and stuff, but since all the chance meetings seem to take place out of doors, its a bit difficult! So I know he doesn't sound that keen, but I do kind of want to chase him, if anyone has any ideas?

Merkin

He sounds totally emotionally stunted and really rather childish. Acting all huffy because you talk to a man and then doesn't actually have the balls to ask you out? If I were you I'd actually take the bull by the horns here and ask him out on a date. If he says no, I'd forget about him.

SheFiend

Same as above except asking him out. You realise his jealousy is unlikely to disappear if ye start seing each other; it's more likely to increase. How would you like being in the position where you must chose between keeping him in good humour or talking to a male relative / friend?
Big red flag for me.

rainbowtrout

Paddling wrote: »

The next time I saw him, I told him I knew he had a crush on me and that he got upset that night, and what was going on? And he told me he "wasn't a relationship person" and could never see himself getting married or having children.


So basically I want him, on his own terms, but at least some kind of relationship. If it doesn't last, it doesn't last, but I don't want to never try. Its not a case of wanting him just because I can't have him, its just that I really like him, and after 7 years I know him enough by now. Any ideas on how best to proceed? We don't have any regular kind of meetings, so its hard to know when we will see each other, which probably suits him!

These two things stick out. He's told you clearly he's not a relationship person. But you want a relationship with him on his terms? What exactly does that mean? You want a relationship, but his terms are that he does not. Where does that leave you?

If you do decide to pursue this, ask him out, you have nothing to lose. If he says no, stop chasing him and move on. Maybe he really does only want a casual dalliance with you and not the responsibility or commitment that a relationship brings.

If he wanted a relationship with you he would be doing something about it. He probably likes the attention you give him on the occasions that you meet, so gets a little jealous when the focus is not on him (meeting with your cousin), but it hasn't exactly spurred him into contacting you to ask you to meet up for a date has it?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I know the way things are, but what I want to do is to try and change things. ie not be a passenger but rather change my destiny. In my marriage, it was very much the man that chose me and I went along with it, and it didn't suit me, and I'd rather pick someone out using my own judgement, if that makes sense. And who hasn't heard of the guy who was resolutely single until the girl who gradually became his girlfriend wormed her way in?

I don't know that many people who do dates, other than those who are dead set on meeting the person they want a ltr with or get married. tbh I'm pretty committment phobic myself, but would just like to see him a bit more frequently. Perhaps he doesn't want it, but then he never seems to quite let me get away. I don't mind the jealousy thing, I can handle it and I find it endearing.

So as it stands, he admits he has a crush on me but doesn't do relationships. Can anyone shed any light on this sort of thing?

Merkin

If you don't mind my saying I think you're deluded.This man has expressly said he doesn't want a relationship and yet you've decided you're going to worm your way in and change that? You've known the guy seven years and he hasn't once in all that time shown an interest.

This talk of him having a 'crush' (the type of lingo used by a pubescent girl when talking about Justin Beiber) just reinforces my opinion that he is quite significantly stunted and unable and unwilling to sustain an adult relationship.You're only recently divorced so why don't you take this time to take stock, enjoy being a single lady and resolutely avoid getting involved with a man boy who will probably get kicks out of your attention but won't ever take it any further? Don't waste your time or try to change him, you'd only be wasting your time and energy on a non starter who will see you as an amusing ego boost and nothing more.

Ellsbells

I think you are not taking no for an answer and won't listen to what he is telling you as you don't want to hear it. He does not want to be in a relationship with you!!! Don't try and read into anything else. Men typically mean what they say.

Either accept him as a friend or move on.

rainbowtrout

Paddling wrote: »

And who hasn't heard of the guy who was resolutely single until the girl who gradually became his girlfriend wormed her way in?

Perhaps he doesn't want it, but then he never seems to quite let me get away. I don't mind the jealousy thing, I can handle it and I find it endearing.

Nobody should have to worm their way into a relationship. It's not healthy, and aside from whatever view he has on relationships, you need to look at yourself and your view on relationships.

Also, jealousy is not an endearing trait. It's negative and the idea that you would be willing to put up with a man who gets jealous of you talking to another man when your not in a relationship with either is worrying.

He doesn't want a relationship, he's just enjoying the attention. He knows you like him, he doesn't have to do anything. You're already making excuses for his behaviour. I can't see how his behaviour would improve if you ever did get him to agree to be in a relationship when you allow him to get away with this kind of behaviour as it stands.

Sleepy

I think you're falling into the trap of believing all those rom coms where the guy eventually comes around to realising he can't live without Katherine Heigl tbh...

The guy fancies you but has no interest in a relationship. As such, a "relationship" on his terms would be friends with benefits, you clearly want more than that so, tbh, look elsewhere.

ash23

So your ex husband liked you and you just went along with it and ended up married (and divorced). This is the flipside of that OP. You are now in your ex husbands role with this guy in your position. He might well cave eventually if you are persistent enough. But you know already that doesn't work.

He might well fancy you and not want you being with other people (nothing endearing about that unless he is offering you a relationship by the way - otherwise it's just a case of him not wanting you but not wanting anyone else to have you either) but the best you can hope for here is that you eventually wear him down enough to get some sort of committment from him......what a prize eh?

Stop spending so much time with him. Let him sulk and strop if you talk to other men but unless he is offering you what you want, he can go jump.

Once you get a bit of distance from him you'll be able to find someone who is good for you. This guy is definitely not it. You shouldn't have to worm your way into being someones girlfriend. He should want you enough that he doesn't have to be convinced of your worth.