I want to breakup with GF but can't muster the courage

LegacyUser

Hey,

I've been going out with my GF for about 2.5 years. She did most the work at the start, ringing and stuff and we just started going out.

She's a *really* nice girl and good looking but I'm 27 and I know she has plans for eventual marriage and kids and I DO NOT WANT THAT. Until at least I'm 40 if at all. And 100% not with her.

So I want to break up with her but I just can't muster the courage. She's very little friends and never goes out. I know she was looking hard for a BF when we met and if I break up with her, she'll find it hard to meet someone else. How bizzare is this, I'd nearly be happy to set her up with someone else to take her off my hands!

Of course after 2 years I have feelings for her and part of me would be raging if she was with someone else but it would make me feel less guilty about dumping her. We never fight and she's kinda shy and timid. An all around sweet girl. So after 2 years a part of me (20%) just wants to keep seeing her and not thinking about the future or anything. But I mainly (80%) want to see other girls and just spend time with myself, I'm a bit of a loner.

She's a tendency to overthink everything with us well. Like she'd ring on days we're meeting up and ask if I'm getting of sick of her and will I definitely show up and stuff. And ring back and ask same question 20 mins later. Just insecurity and stuff.

So how do I go about actually breaking up with her? I know I'll be getting about 50 phone calls on the day it happens. And I need to do it when she's with her mother for support. You might think I'm taking the p*** but I know she'll take this REAL hard.

LegacyUser

Just be honest with her, meet her face to face (do not do it over the phone or by text, you've been with her 2 years so she at least deserves to be spared such a cowardly route) and be honest with her, tell her you really like her but you don't see yourself getting married or having kids with her so you don't want to waste any more of her time or lead her on. Tell her it has nothing to do with her as a person just that for you there isn't enough of a spark between you to sustain a longterm relationship. Tell her you think it would be best to not contact each other for a few months until you've both had time and space to deal properly with the breakup.

then most importantly carry through turn - your phone off/don't answer her calls or enagage in texts/facebook whatever until she's had time to process and deal with it. Yes that may be harsh and seem cruel and will probably be very hard to do but in the long run it's the best option - by enaggaing in with her after breaking up you're giving her hope you'll change your mind or whatever.

Look OP nobody likes to break up with someone /be broken up with someone, but at the end of the day you enter into a relationship knowing there's no guarantees it will work out. While I feel for your GF, she's obviously quite needy and insecure and yes this will hit her hard - you are not responsible for her actions or how she choses to live her life regardless of whether you are with her or not. All you can do is be as kind and honest and make the breakup as painless as possible. Life is sh** sometimes but we learn from it. You can't stay with her out of guilt, her life is her own to lead and it's not fair for her to think a BF will magically make her life better she has to sort that out for herself, it has nothing to do with you.

Hardonraging

You're 27 and asking how to breakup with this poor girl ? and you maintain she's the one loosing out !!

Man up, tell her out straight, and prepare for the fallout.

ManOfMystery

There's no easy way of doing it. I've been in a similar position where I was with someone who was much more into me than I was into them, and I didn't see any future with them, but I let it drag on regardless as it was easier to do that at the time. I wish I had done it earlier as the other person gets more invested in you with every day that passes.

As above, just man up, pick a time and tell her. You say she's insecure, but I've a feeling she's actually picked up already on your nonchalant attitude towards the relationship so probably has some inkling that all is not well.

DeltaWhite

gfyugf wrote: »

Hey,


She's a tendency to overthink everything with us well. Like she'd ring on days we're meeting up and ask if I'm getting of sick of her and will I definitely show up and stuff. And ring back and ask same question 20 mins later. Just insecurity and stuff.

Dude.. coming from a woman, she KNOWS your attitude by now, if she's with you 2.5 years I am sure she can tell that something is wrong. I doubt she's overthinking, she is worried that something is wrong, and isnt she right??

Yes, it's going to be tough and nobody likes ending relationships unless they really have no choice, but you are going to have to do it very soon.

The longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

LegacyUser

Well I just met up with her and did it.

It was shocking tough. Like I still care about her and would be grand just seeing her 3 times a week but in the long-term, there's no way I want to get married or have kids or move in. And I know she does. Whether she says she does or not.

She was begging me to just keep going as it is. Please, please the whole time. What am I supposed to say to that? I've to stay strong to make sure it's a clean break but then I'm upset as well I won't see her after 2.5 years. It was a weird feeling dropping her back at her house knowing I'd never see her again.

So what do I do now? Clean break and not contact her to wreck with her head or meet up next week to talk. Shes ringing now saying is there any chance it could just a break. Her mother rang me as well which was appreciated, I'm just happy someone there for her.

I just do not want to hurt this girl anymore than I have already. Any tips appreciated.

ManOfMystery

You have to be firm.

Don't ignore her - if she wants to talk to you, then talk to her - but don't initiate communication by texting or ringing. She'll only think you're still interested.

Whatever reasoning you've given her for breaking up ......................stick to it. Be 100% crystal clear and consistent. Don't say you're not sure, or you want a break for a while, or you're going through a phase, or you'll see how you feel next month - all these things signify a temporary issue and she'll take that as a sign that the relationship can be fixed. You might be tempted to give in if you've just listened to her wailing for an hour and want a quiet life, but trust me, it will not do you any good in the long term.

Just make it clear that whilst you do care for her a great deal, you don't see any future as a boyfriend and girlfriend and it wouldn't be fair on either of you to continue the relationship on knowing it will never really go anywhere. I think that's the truth of the matter anyway.

I know it's difficult right now and you probably feel guilty, but many of us have been there. If your heart's not in it then you did the right thing.

tinkerbell

Good stuff with breaking up with her. Now - stay away from her OP. You don't care for her, you have been stringing the girl along for over 2 years, you have no long term plans with her. Your sentence about "she's a nice girl and good looking" speaks volumes. To say that all you have to say is she's good looking just really makes it obvious here - if that's all you have to say about this girl that you have been seeing for over 2 years, well there is absolutely nothing there and this so-called relationship is obviously more a casual thing than anything meaningful.

You did the right thing by breaking up with her. Now stay away from her - it is gonna hurt her like hell that you dumped her for a little while but she will get over it and realise that you did her a huge favour as she will move on and find someone else who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated and will love her and want to make plans with her. So just cut off all ties, it will hurt in the short-term but please do not give this girl false hope, it will just prolong her getting over you.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You might be tempted to give in if you've just listened to her wailing for an hour and want a quiet life, but trust me, it will not do you any good in the long term.

great advice. it's hard to stay strong

tinkerbell wrote: »

Good stuff with breaking up with her. Now - stay away from her OP. You don't care for her, you have been stringing the girl along for over 2 years, you have no long term plans with her. Your sentence about "she's a nice girl and good looking" speaks volumes. To say that all you have to say is she's good looking just really makes it obvious here - if that's all you have to say about this girl that you have been seeing for over 2 years, well there is absolutely nothing there and this so-called relationship is obviously more a casual thing than anything meaningful

don't study the language of a boards.ie post too closely. i definitely loved her and still do. definitely not as much as she did of me but i did.

like 25% of me is upset that i'll never see again, crazy. but i've to hide that part because if i show any weakness she thinks we might stay together or ****. aaahhhh this is so tough


also, thanks for all replies from everyone in this thread, much appreciated.

LegacyUser

I have been in a similar situation except it was not a clean break.

Whatever you do, don't go for the breakup sex, or she might very well "forget accidentally on purpose" to take her pill, and next thing you'll end up with that kid you didn't want, as well as being stiffed for child benefit for the next 18 years. This has happened to guys I know.

Tread carefully and keep your distance. Eventually, cut all contact especially facebook etc and then delete her phone number so you dont end up calling/texting her at 3am. Be firm ant don't let tears, threats etc deter you. You're better off without being trapped in a situation you don't want to be in.

Best of luck.

kat.mac

Stick with the advice you've been given - from first hand experience, it'll be 7 billion times harder for her to move on if you're not 100% committed to a clean break. If you really care for her feelings and want the best for her then DO NOT text her after a few days asking if she's ok, don't EVER tell her you miss her, don't say that things might change in the future (even if you think they might - what's for you won't go by you etc!) and there is no need at all for ye to meet up anytime soon to talk things over. All these things happened in my case and made the 'getting over him' period so much tougher. I now really resent him for not having the balls to leave me in peace to move on, and that's what she needs, even though she mightn't see it that way now.

She will eventually realise that it's only a breakup, and that it's only right for someone to end a relationship they don't want to be in.

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

beenheretoo wrote: »

I have been in a similar situation except it was not a clean break.

Whatever you do, don't go for the breakup sex, or she might very well "forget accidentally on purpose" to take her pill, and next thing you'll end up with that kid you didn't want, as well as being stiffed for child benefit for the next 18 years. This has happened to guys I know.

Tread carefully and keep your distance. Eventually, cut all contact especially facebook etc and then delete her phone number so you dont end up calling/texting her at 3am. Be firm ant don't let tears, threats etc deter you. You're better off without being trapped in a situation you don't want to be in.

Best of luck.

It's OP here. Don't think I need anonymity at all anymore.

Yeah, there's not a hope I'll be going for breakup sex, I can manage myself for the few months. That's what my brother in law be saying as well, don't get trapped. Cheers for the male perspective advice.


After her ringing all day yesterday I stopped answering around 8pm and had 6 missed calls last night and then 10 so far today. I answered 2 today. It's just the same things she's saying, not helping the situation at all. Begging me to stay and offering to let me score random birds and not mention them to her which is crazy talk. She's getting sick over it as well which is probably true as she kinda did in the car when I was with her yesterday. Crazy breakup this is.

She says she's going out with her cousins and friends this weekend and I hope she does for her sake.

ManOfMystery

Unfortunately the multiple phone calls, texts and general craziness is something you'll probably have to put up with for a while. Stick to your guns though, no matter how stressful it gets.

I ended one relationship a few times (it was going absolutely nowhere), but always made the mistake of caving in under pressure - she'd be crying, or threatening to hurt herself, etc - and we'd end up back at square one again. Eventually I made a clean break after a particularly bad move on her part, but for a few months it was just bedlam - phone calls and texts 24/7, her parking outside my house at night (I lived 65 miles away from her at that point!!!!!) and threatening to ring my work with various stories & lies to get me sacked. And many more things which I won't even repeat here. At times I felt like I was fighting to stay afloat when it would just be much easier to go with the current, but I persevered and generally ignored her, refusing to meet up or get caught out in any way. She lost interest eventually and all the drama stopped.

kat.mac

Jesus, didn't realise women could be so psychotic!!

SheFiend

So can men. Had a friend who carried on like that after i kissed him. Had to delete my inbox twice a day at the worst of it plus multiple missed calls, even though i stopped replying after a month of it.. That was over six years ago and i still receive a txts every few months, despite never replying.

Ickle Magoo

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.



As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

DeltaWhite

georgiecasey wrote: »

It's OP here. Don't think I need anonymity at all anymore.

Yeah, there's not a hope I'll be going for breakup sex, I can manage myself for the few months. That's what my brother in law be saying as well, don't get trapped. Cheers for the male perspective advice.


After her ringing all day yesterday I stopped answering around 8pm and had 6 missed calls last night and then 10 so far today. I answered 2 today. It's just the same things she's saying, not helping the situation at all. Begging me to stay and offering to let me score random birds and not mention them to her which is crazy talk. She's getting sick over it as well which is probably true as she kinda did in the car when I was with her yesterday. Crazy breakup this is.

She says she's going out with her cousins and friends this weekend and I hope she does for her sake.

You still did the right thing dude dont worry imagine how much harder it would be if it was another 2,3 or 4 years down the line!

Cut your losses - and contact!

Sounds heartless but coming from a woman that is what you have to do! Her behaviour suggests she wont give up easily and I'm sure you know yourself not to give her any false hope now!

Chin up, you did the hard part, now it's just determination and perseverance!!