Lies in a marriage

LegacyUser

Good morning, I would like some advice on how people see respect and honesty in a marriage. For me both of these things are very important, maybe the most important things in a healthy relationship. I understand that is what is important to me and my husband might not put as much importance on it.

I've always had a bit of a problem with him and his honesty. He grew up in a family where problems are swept under the carpet, his parents routinely lie to each other about little things, it's not considered lying if you don't tell people something. It's like they are always trying to get away with something, get one over on each other. I find it hard to believe him when he says things, simply because I have seen what is and is not considered honesty and respect in his home, he tends to stretch the truth regularly. There are also problems with his siblings with gambling and drink.

A few years ago I found out he was gambling, a lot. Loosing rent and going missing for 24hrs at a time. We got through it, it was hard. He was turning into a liar, he did not care about taking money from me and loosing it, he did not care about anybody.

We are having money problems at the moment and have been in touch with the bank about our mortgage which is 3 months in arrears. Over the past 6 months or so his nights out have been getting wilder and wilder. He has been going out locally and ending up 60km away with a friend, only telling me he's not coming home when I ring or text him. He cannot seem to go out, have a few drinks and come home. It's very tiring being told that he will be home at night, then him just not turning up. This is an almost weekly occurrence. He is always with male friends or brother when he goes missing so I'm not suggesting he's sleeping around, although I feel there is so little trust in my marriage at the moment I wouldn't be shocked if it turned out he was.

He has started being abusive to people when he is drunk, like racial slurs and one night he met an old teacher and started calling him a pervert. I don't go out with him anymore unless it's just two of us because I don't feel safe when I'm out with him, he's off being mouthy and stupid and I'm trying to look after him. And I find the above abusive behaviour absolutely disgusting, it really is effecting my opinion of him. If I do go out and his friends, or anybody really, are there I may as well have stayed home because he totally ignores me for the night.

I recently found out he has a running joke with his friends about him only getting sex once a month since we got married. This is very upsetting because we have been trying to work on our sex life, having been together 12 years it can become stale, this is normal and so long as we work on it I don't think it's a huge problem. I do think it's a problem that he thinks it is appropriate to joke at my expense like that.

Yesterday, we were visiting my parents and he got a phone call. He said that his friend got free tickets from his boss to the races and he'd like to go. So we left early and I dropped him off. He had arranged to come home at about 9pm, he has a big meeting in work today. At 11.30pm he asked me to come collect him, while he was in a takeaway I was chatting with his friend and mentioned that he was lucky that he had gotten the tickets and his new job must be going really well. He had no idea what I was talking about. My husband was too drunk to even broach the subject with him so I left it.

Then it got the better of me, I checked his phone. He had sent a text saying "If she asks you were given a ticket by your boss". I assume his friend either didn't read, or had forgotten. I have never done it before, not that it is an excuse, but I wanted to know what was going on and I know if I asked him he'd lie to me.

I feel like years of half truths, disrespect and that stupid "get one up on her" way of acting just came to a head. That one silly unnecessary lie has me feeling like our relationship is in real trouble. Why bother lying? I would not have said anything about him wanting to go. It is like lying for the sake of it. I think husband and wife should be a team, an honest safe relationship. Asking your friends to lie to your wife and making jokes at her expense is not honest and it is not safe.

I want to talk to him about this tonight when he gets in from work. I'm not sure how to raise the subject.

aidan24326

To Be Honest wrote: »

Good morning, I would like some advice on how people see respect and honesty in a marriage.

You know yourself that it's absolutely essential. And there seems to be very little of it in your marriage.

If he won't give up the drinking and gambling then it's difficult to see how your marriage can have any future.

In terms of how to broach the subject you're going to have to be firm. Make it clear to him that his lies and his disrespecting you and the lack of trust have now come to a head and that without some serious changes the marriage is over. Let him know that you're on the brink of walking unless he makes a big effort. If he won't, then you will know that he doesn't care and at that stage your options will be down to either suffer on or get out of there. If I was you I'd be eyeing the exit door at this stage.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thank you Aidan, reading back over my post I think I just need to clarify a few things. He had stopped gambling once it came up and I insisted it stop or I leave. He has never acknowledged that it was a problem or that it was a difficult time for us. He still says it was me over reacting. Your girlfriend being annoyed over you gambling away rent money is not overreacting?

Reading back the general feel of the post is that the relationship is a shambles which I don't think it is. We have fun together, I love him, I think he loves me.

I will talk to him and he will say that I am wrong, he is young, he's earning money and he's entitled to do what he wants with it. He will tell me that everyone goes out drinking and that I am unreasonable. There is another big night out planned for friday, I'm working so can't go. I know it will be another night of me being worried about what he is doing, where he is and who he might be insulting. I find it hard to accept days of drinking when we're on the verge of loosing our house. But if I say that I'll be told it's only one day or night a week.

If I ask him about the tickets he will stick to the lie that his friend got them for free, unless I tell him I read his phone, then he will fight with me over that. No matter what I say, I will be wrong.

I have tried to talk to him before but it's very frustrating, he makes everything my fault so it's very hard to have a proper conversation. If I cry he will complain I'm looking for sympathy, if I get annoyed I will be told that he can't talk to me. Then he will refuse to talk, or purposefully misunderstand what I'm saying. I can guarantee that if I threatened to leave he would tell me I'm overreacting and to go if I want.

Sleepy

What makes you want to stay married to this man?

You don't find him sexually attractive, he seems to have no respect for you, you don't enjoy his company on a night out. Are ye just staying together for the kids at this stage? Or afraid to deal with the negative equity on the house should ye split?

LegacyUser

oh you poor thing.

listen, i'm so sorry to call anyone names outright but your husband sounds like a bit of an oaf. this 'lads' thing of giving out about your wife to your mates, staying out all night without a thought to you, the lying and sneaking around, well, i just find it childish and boorish and rude and not the sort of thing i'd want anything to do with. how have you put up with it for so long?!!

personally, i could never be in a relationship with someone who makes fun of me to his mates to sound 'cool' or 'one of the lads'. does he already know it's a dealbreaker for you? does he know how much that hurts you? can you put up with that for the rest of your life together? he needs to understand that you do NOT deserve to be treated like that, and i think that's the way you should word it. but leave him in no uncertaintythat his choices are stay the same and you walk, or change.

another thing, you don't mention if you have kids together or maybe you did but - does he want his kids to think it's okay for their dad to be treating their mother with so little respect? going missing with drink on him and all the rest. he needs to know just because *he* grew up in a household where honesty wasn't present doesn't make it ok for him to do the same to his own children.

the best of luck with it op, i hope you get the outcome you're looking for, whatever that is. x

LegacyUser

OP again.

We don't have kids. I want to stay married to him because I love him. I never said I wasn't attracted to him, but I do have little self confidence and I feel unattractive to him and in general.

I am reading back and thinking that it doesn't sound like my marriage. But everything I mentioned happening has happened. So it is my marriage. He is good to me, when I was out of work he looked after the household bills, every now and again he'll pick up a small token on his way home from work, like a DVD with a favourite actor. He is never abusive at home and is generally very passive. This passive part of him comes out during rows too and he can switch off and totally ignore me.

I know that when I bring this up, he will, as usual make me feel like it's all my problem. I don't know how to bring this up and stick to my guns, to not get upset, not get angry but try to explain clearly what I mean and what I need from him. This time tomorrow I'll probably read this and think that I'm stupid to get upset over a lie so small and I should cop on. Then a few weeks will go by and there will be another little lie, or another night of him going missing and not answering the phone and I'll be frustrated and upset again and wondering if he cares about me or respects me at all.

Thanks all for your input.

sReq | uTeK

To Be Honest wrote: »

OP here

Thank you Aidan, reading back over my post I think I just need to clarify a few things. He had stopped gambling once it came up and I insisted it stop or I leave. He has never acknowledged that it was a problem or that it was a difficult time for us. He still says it was me over reacting. Your girlfriend being annoyed over you gambling away rent money is not overreacting?

Reading back the general feel of the post is that the relationship is a shambles which I don't think it is. We have fun together, I love him, I think he loves me.

I will talk to him and he will say that I am wrong, he is young, he's earning money and he's entitled to do what he wants with it. He will tell me that everyone goes out drinking and that I am unreasonable. There is another big night out planned for friday, I'm working so can't go. I know it will be another night of me being worried about what he is doing, where he is and who he might be insulting. I find it hard to accept days of drinking when we're on the verge of loosing our house. But if I say that I'll be told it's only one day or night a week.

If I ask him about the tickets he will stick to the lie that his friend got them for free, unless I tell him I read his phone, then he will fight with me over that. No matter what I say, I will be wrong.

I have tried to talk to him before but it's very frustrating, he makes everything my fault so it's very hard to have a proper conversation. If I cry he will complain I'm looking for sympathy, if I get annoyed I will be told that he can't talk to me. Then he will refuse to talk, or purposefully misunderstand what I'm saying. I can guarantee that if I threatened to leave he would tell me I'm overreacting and to go if I want.

You say he;s stopped gambling?
Didn't he just lie to you about his boss giving him tickets to the races?
did he go and look at the horses and do nothing...

LegacyUser

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

You say he;s stopped gambling?
Didn't he just lie to you about his boss giving him tickets to the races?
did he go and look at the horses and do nothing...

No he went and he did gamble. The gambling problem was about 7 years ago and is under control. He still does a bit when he's at the dogs or horses, he does the lotto, but online gambling and casinos are things he never does anymore.

Because he won't accept that he had a problem before, he won't stop altogether. But the bets at the races are not really an issue.

LegacyUser

i understand completely when you say you might look back on this is a few weeks and wonder to yourself why this was such an issue. but re-reading your last posts i see that -

-he doesn't treat you with the respect you feel is right between a husband and wife
-he disrespects you and the details of your sex life by making a joke of it to his mates
-he's willing to get you to drop him off, goes drinking, then lies about it and is too drunk to talk to when you go to collect him
-he's spending money on getting plastered and ending up miles away from home when you're behind on your mortgage

and you feel that if you bring up any of this he's going to do the usual and blame YOU.

you say in the past you've gotten upset and angry, have you ever thought he steers the discussion that way to MAKE you upset and angry, so that gives him an automatic ''well sher i paid the bills and buy her gifts so anything else i do is her problem''. that's not the kind of relationship that sounds healthy and long lasting, and i'm sorry if that sounds harsh. i'm only reflecting that back to you because if you were my friend i'd want you to know that's what it looks like from the outside. i know we only have one side of the relationship here and only you yourself know what you can and can't tolerate. be calm but be strong. x

Gerry T

Hi OP, You were asking how to deal with the conversation tonight, I'm no analyst or expert so take what I say with a grain of salt please. Why not ask him to write down what it is about you that makes him love you. What he thinks he does that annoys you and you do the same. Then discuss this, see if you can believe what he says in writing - he may find that in writing he is more honest with himself and you. Then see if he is willing to try change the things that upset you and you do likewise. This may seem very weird but you must admit you have a communication issue, you point out things (staying out all night, saying silly things etc...) but he keeps doing it -- so he either is not hearing you and doesn't appreciate how hurtful this is or he is self obsessed and puts himself first. You should try resolve these issues before kids come along as that won't fix anything and will make any decision making far more difficult. Hope that helps, but this approach may not be for you, but I would think a new means of communicating is needed.

_ariadne

I know you say that you love him but you've talked about how much you hate his behavior when hes drunk, well that is him, its not some monster that takes him over, he chooses to have a drink and act in such a horrible way.

You can't pay your mortgage and he thinks hes entitled to go on a bender every week! That's crazy logic and not normal or grown-up.

I think you should seek relationship counselling and make sure he knows how serious this is i.e: lying and not showing up to a session is in no way an acceptable thing to do.

It really dosn't seem like he thinks anything he is doing is wrong, personally I think you should leave him to his 'fun' and find someone who treats you better, they are out there!

take care

LegacyUser

OP I see a lot of how I used to behave in your description of your husbands behaviour. I have a serious gambling problem, but have been gambling free for about a year now. I see a lot of danger signs in your post that would lead me to believe that your husband probably has a gambling problem.

When I was gambling, I created havoc around me, I was immature and I was horrible to my wife. I would quite often go out for one drink and disappear. Nobody knew about my problem, so drinking was an escape from all of the crap in my life. I was an accomplished liar, I had to be to live what was essentially a double life. It affected my wife, it impacted on her confidence, self belief etc. she blamed herself for my behaviour. In the end I only came clean because I did not want to drag her down with me, I wanted to give her the chance to get out. It forced me to face up to issues in my life and we are working on it together. It was scary when I realised that I could answer yes to all of these questions http://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/index.php/20-questions Recovery is a slow process, it takes time to address problems that I have caused and change the way I have behaved for years.

I hope I am wrong. Even if I am you need to confront him over his behaviour, it is not acceptable or appropriate. You deserve to be treated with more respect.

username123

Op, sometimes I read a thread and it just makes me so sad for the person, and this thread is it, and the person is you.

Your husband is disrespecting you, in many ways. To me it would be completely unacceptable to catch my husband out in some kind of lie that included him telling someone to lie to me! To have a friend colluding in deceiving you, to do something that previously almost caused a break up (gamble) and to then leave you worry til 11.30pm having said he would be home at 9pm - this entire story has so much wrong with it I dont know where to start!!

The same level of disrespect by having a joke with his friends at your expense about your sex life. Really not nice at all.

Blaming you for being the problem for overreacting and not accepting responsibility for the gambling problem *which he still has not stopped doing, it may be at a lower level but he still gambles.
Well thats just shirking responsibility and blame onto someone else. Which is how he seems to approach any difference of opinion, turns it back around onto it being you with the problem - very manipulative.

It really sounds as though your husband has a drink problem, and a gambling problem. And an immaturity problem.

None of what you describe would be acceptable to me in my own marriage and no amount of little gifts or passivity at home would make up for it.

I absolutely implore you to leave this man. You wont have a shred of self esteem or happiness left if you stay.

Even one of the things you describe would be unacceptable to many people, let alone all of the things. I want you to imagine you are a single woman and that you met a man and had a couple of dates, and on the third date you discovered he was disrespecting you to his friends, was behaving like a fool drunk, was gambling excessive amounts of money, was frequently away from his home all night on benders and was drinking for days when the bank was trying to take his house - now honestly, would you continue to date this individual?

LegacyUser

OP again

Thank you all for your input. At the very least it has cemented for me that I'm not being unreasonable.

I will try to talk to him later but I'm so upset after having it on my mind all day. I don't want to be passive aggressive and avoid talking to him, so I'll just have to try suck it up and talk about it.

Gerry your idea sounds good, maybe when and if he agrees that we have some work to do I will suggest it to him.

Problem gambler, thanks for your post. You could be right, but if you are he will not admit it. He has never admitted to it in the past, he stopped because I was going to leave, but he doesn't accept he had a problem.

I will have to tell him I read his phone. I know will it cause a row and he will just use that to avoid talking about anything else.

I feel like I can say at this moment that I am not happy and I do not feel secure in my marriage. But tomorrow I will be giving out to myself for getting so upset and being so silly about a little lie.

I am thankful you all took the time to post. I don't feel as much like an emotional fool getting annoyed over nothing now.

Ellsbells

To Be Honest wrote: »

he's earning money

Well then why is the mortgage in arrears?

Why do you think its ok for him to booze and gamble his money away and not pay for a roof over your heads? 3 months in arrears is serious danger territory. Your cred rating has been affected and you may find it hard to get even a small holiday loan in the future.

a posse ad esse

To be honest wrote: »

OP again

Thank you all for your input. At the very least it has cemented for me that I'm not being unreasonable.

I will try to talk to him later but I'm so upset after having it on my mind all day. I don't want to be passive aggressive and avoid talking to him, so I'll just have to try suck it up and talk about it.

Gerry your idea sounds good, maybe when and if he agrees that we have some work to do I will suggest it to him.

Problem gambler, thanks for your post. You could be right, but if you are he will not admit it. He has never admitted to it in the past, he stopped because I was going to leave, but he doesn't accept he had a problem.

I will have to tell him I read his phone. I know will it cause a row and he will just use that to avoid talking about anything else.

I feel like I can say at this moment that I am not happy and I do not feel secure in my marriage. But tomorrow I will be giving out to myself for getting so upset and being so silly about a little lie.

I am thankful you all took the time to post. I don't feel as much like an emotional fool getting annoyed over nothing now.

I suggest you get some support. Contact Gamblers Anonymous and Al-Anon for support meetings. This will help you become more assertive and see the whole picture. Your communication skills may need to be more firm and direct. If your husband did improve initially when you threatened to leave him than you need to observe as to what changed from then to now. Sounds like a relapse on both your parts. A relapse to his old ways of drink and gambling and a relapse on your ways of communicating. I almost want to suggest taking his paycheque and take out what is needed for bills, mortgage, etc. and whatever leftover could be his spending money but I am not sure how this would help for the long term as well as how he would react to something like this. It certainly doesn't hurt to speak to someone about this at GA.

I really feel for you OP. If you want your husband to change, you need to change yourself too. The way you communicate is a start. I really recommend the following book:http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812
I also suggest SMART Recovery for Friends and Families(http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm).

Good luck.

Hi OP

That sounds like a terrible situation and I agree with the other posters, you deserve so much better. You sound like a very genuine person.

I really hope your talk went well last night.

In addition to agreeing that respect and honesty are prerequisites in a healthy relationship I'll just add this: if you're able to get to Dublin one night per week, it would be worthwhile checking out the Hanly Centre in Dun Laoighre. They run a kind of life skills course that helps adults deal with chaos caused by alcohol but it equally applies to drugs, gambling etc. It's ourselves and our own reactions that are worked on, so the focus is on you, not your partner.

I did the four courses there in the '90's and have to say that it changed my life! It was a big commitment, working full time in a busy job and facing into a 120km round trip one night per week, but there were people on the courses coming from Wexford and Galway and they kept coming back which really speaks volumes about what can be gained from the courses.
We're still in touch to this day all I can say is that if it's possible to get there, this will help you to decide what you want from life and your relationships, and to detach with love if that's what's necessary.

Wishing you all the very best because that's what you deserve x

aidan24326

To be honest wrote: »

OP again

Thank you all for your input. At the very least it has cemented for me that I'm not being unreasonable

Of course you're not being unreasonable. How is expecting your husband to treat you with respect unreasonable?

You say you love him but what exactly do you love? This is a man that habitually lies to you, disrespects you without a second thought, goes on drinking benders like he was still a carefree student, and then lies about that aswell. I'm sorry to be mean but you're coming across as a soft touch, a doormat. He only does what he does because he knows he can get away with it, that you will let him get away with it. Stop being the victim and stand up for yourself.

Sleepy

To Be Honest wrote: »

I never said I wasn't attracted to him, but I do have little self confidence and I feel unattractive to him and in general.

If you were sexually attracted to him, sex would be more than a once a month occurrence tbh. Recognising that he's an attractive man and being attracted to him are different things: the latter involves wanting to **** him regularly, the former simply that your low self esteem is making you think he's as good looking as you deserve.

Katy89

To Be Honest wrote: »

I am reading back and thinking that it doesn't sound like my marriage. But everything I mentioned happening has happened. So it is my marriage. He is good to me, when I was out of work he looked after the household bills, every now and again he'll pick up a small token on his way home from work, like a DVD with a favourite actor. He is never abusive at home and is generally very passive. This passive part of him comes out during rows too and he can switch off and totally ignore me.

sorry OP, but you are still in denial and almost delusional regarding this man.

look what you write: he's good to me....and then you end up saying he ignores you.
and great, he borrows a DVD with a favourite actor. which favourite actor? let me guess: his?
unbelievable.

jesus, wake up and realise he's a complete bully, disrespectfull it can't get much worse. your marriage is a nightmare and you are still trying to talk things up and worse, trying to tell yourself you are the one who's seeing it in the wrong light.

I'm a woman, but I have to say I don't have much sympathy for women who think like you and let themself treat from their partner like a doormat.

we have 2012, women are not dependent on their husbands anymore, you don't even have kids, leave this sh*** of a bully and live your life as a happy person and with people who respect you!!

Payton

Hi OP,
Just reading through your first post and its not a very nice place your in. I think you know what has to be done but your afraid of what the future holds?
Your partner has let you down in so so many ways and he will probably never change his ways but he needs to his rock bottom before he does change. This is not a person who should be in your life.

As suggested try and make contact with Alon-on and gamblers anon, both these organisations will give you the skills to enable you to cope with whats going on in what seems to be a dreadful life for yourself and yet its party central for him.

Do you have somewhere to go, family or friends? Someone who is not going to judgmental just someone who will be there for you. You need a few days or weeks away from the home away from your partner, use the time for you to think, go for walks, have a bit of fun and smile again....but think about what YOU want because its no longer about him.
We all deserve to be happy, without constraints without someone who we "love" destroying our lives and you have to be mindful of that. A relationship is based on Love, Respect, Trust and Honesty and from your first post there isn't a lot of that in there if any at all.

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Re-read your first post and just think about those words. To me it speaks volumes.
Best of luck.

Carriexx

Hiya to be honest,

You need to tel him you are not happy, and why you are not happy. Rather than telling him what you dont like about his actions , tell him how they make you feel. As you need to look after you!! x