I think my friend fancies me.

Esoteric_

The title sounds so arrogant, but that's how it is.

I'm having problems with my best friend. This may be a little long winded so apologies in advance.

I've been friends with a girl for years. She's been there for me through a lot of bad stuff, and has helped me with so many things, and I've also been there for her. Over the last year or so, though, things have changed.

She's bisexual, which I have no issue with. Recently, I've lost a lot of weight and have become confident and dress to suit my figure instead of hiding in baggy jeans. Since I lost weight, she has tried to kiss me twice while drunk, and has twice (again while drunk) asked me to sleep with her! I'm straight! I passed it off each time as a joke, because she doesn't do that while sober.

She's become a bit obsessive, though. She doesn't really have any other friends as, to be honest, they got sick of her and stopped contacting her. She's now sticking to me like glue (she always has though!). I don't mind spending lots of time with her, but obviously I have lots of other friends too, who I like to go out and do things with. She HATES that I have other friends, because I'm not always available to see her on a whim. I have responsibilities at home (my mother is disabled so I have to help out a lot), and she gets mad if I can't arrange to meet up because I have to look after my mother. If other friends ask me out, she bitches about them! I ALWAYS invite her out with my other friends because she's hung out with them plenty of times before and they're always trying to involve her and be friendly to her, and never leave her out. When she's out though, she ignores them or tries to bitch about them to me, or even to their face!

Last night, we had a party in my house. I obviously invited her, and she spent the night stealing my drink because she didn't buy enough for herself (she bought ONE bottle of an alcoop). If she had no money, I wouldn't mind, but she has over 20,000 euro that she has saved, and has at least 200 in her purse at all times, whereas I'm currently on the dole. After stealing my drink, she tried to steal my sister's drink. She bitched to and about every person at the party, she screamed at me several times, she STOLE MY PHONE to read my texts from a guy who asked me out, she tried to read my private messages on Facebook, things like that. I called her out on it all and she just flat out denied it, but she wasn't even particularly drunk!

Aside from this, the part that really hurts me is that, like I said, I've lost a lot of weight recently. I was so self loathing that I had to go for counselling to improve my confidence because I wouldn't even leave me house at one point. I'm now confident and happy with my appearance, and since I became happy with it, she's started calling me fat all the time, even though I weigh three stone less than her. She's on a diet that her doctor put her on and is doing great, and I'm always telling her how great she looks and congratulating her and complimenting her, but she'll compliment me one minute, then tell everyone how fat I am a minute later. It's like she's trying to break my confidence down.

Lastly, she HATES that I get male attention. She threw a legit tantrum the last time I was dating somebody, and demanded an introduction to him after a week, which I obviously refused. So, after I was out with her one afternoon, she followed me from her bus stop to where I was meeting my (at the time) boyfriend to see what he looked like! On nights out, if I even chat to a guy, she bitches at me and tells me I'm acting like a slut, and tries to do things like pull my dress up to my neck (I don't even wear very low cut clothes!), or tells me my skirt is too short and tries to yank that down.

I've tried slowly cutting contact. I'm not texting her very often, I'm not going out with her as often, because I don't want someone that toxic making me feel awful about myself, but she gets more and more clingy the more I pull away.

Don't get me wrong, she has an absolutely lovely side, but ever since I became confident, she seems to hate me! I told a friend about this, and she said that my friend sounds like a controlling boyfriend! Thinking about it, that's exactly how it feels. She even started screaming at my little sister last night, when my sister is nothing but lovely to her!

I honestly think she's angry because she might have a bit of a crush on me, but I'm straight! I don't want to lose her as a friend, but is there any other option right now? I try calling her out on the things she does, and she just flat out denies doing it, even when other people say it to her. My whole family are fuming with her because they see how she'll ring me 10 times in a row if I'm too busy to talk and when I go out, I'm starting to cover up more and more because I don't want her calling me fat again.

Is there anything else I can do bar cut contact completely? I've tried cutting down loads, but she gets more clingy, I've tried calling her out but she denies it, I've even tried setting her up with a friend who I knew she fancied, but he couldn't stick how obsessive she was and dumped her after a month.

I guess I know I'm going to have to cut her out completely, but if any of you have any other suggestions, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm sorry this is so long, but it's been upsetting me for weeks and I needed to get it all off my chest.

cookiexx

LyndaMcL wrote: »

I don't want to lose her as a friend, but is there any other option right now? .

No. She's not a friend. She's toxic and completely mental. Cut her out.

AhInFairness

Regardless of whether or not she has feelings for you, this is a toxic relationship and I would strongly urge you to cut contact with her.

You say you don't want to lose her as a friend but what are you gaining from this relationship? Friends don't try to break your confidence and put you down. They're happy for you and want to see you succeed and be happy.

Why do you want to keep her in your life when she hurts you so much?

WindSock

Her fancying you are the least of the problems. She sounds obsessed and unhinged from what you've described. What do you get out of that sort of friendship? Sounds like you need to dump her and tell her exactly why you are doing so. She'll probably tell you you're up yourself but sure if she is like that anyway when you're nice to her then you're better off without the headcase.

gypsy_rose

Seriously, get rid of her. It's not that hard to find another friend that's "nice", that's a pretty arbitrary requirement for a friendship! She's a total psycho and all she's going to do is hold you back. Ignore her and cut contact, she'll feck off eventually when she finds a new victim.

Esoteric_

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi there

As said, this is not a friendship.

Time to set some boundaries here. This 'friend' is acting like a lecherous and obsessive creep.

You know what you have to do.

I can't believe you let her pull your clothes up to your neck. Why would you let her do that to you?

Maybe you can talk to your counsellor about why you are so afraid to stand up for yourself. If someone did that to me, I would be telling them to back off.

I understand you don't want to hurt her feelings, but she has no problem hurting yours.

Is it any wonder she has no friends when she behaves like this!

Cut her out and tell her why. Stay safe.

I do stand up for myself, I dealt with my confrontation issues with my counsellor and when she tries to yank my dress up, I slap her hand away and tell her that I'm dressing how I like and to stop touching me.

I've confronted her over her behaviour, but she just completely denies it each time I confront her. I guess I don't really have much choice but to just cut her out.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the input.

Starokan

Thats very strange behaviour from somebody, i guess what it really comes down to is whether you have any interest in remaining friends with her at all. If you don't as others said then just cut her out . If you would like to be friends then have one clear the air conversation and thrash out your difficulties, if she refuses to listen or acknowledge the problem then you have no option but to leave her behind.

One thing I would say is if you decide your finished with the friendship tell her, its pretty rough if you are just suddenly blanked and not knowing why .

2rkehij30qtza5

And you are still hanging around with this toxic, mental nutter WHY?!??!
You need to lose this woman and fast. She is controlling, manipulative and nasty. I could never imagine my friends treating me like that! A few times I've had male friends who fancied me but I didn't fancy them back-they are still my friends to this day and never went loopy on me just because I didn't fancy them!

miamee

It sounds to me (from what I can read on your post anyway) that you have been friends with this girl for a long time. The two of you were very close friends and quite possibly stuck together through a lot of stuff when younger. You have now overcome some of your problems or are in the process of it and maybe she feels like she is being left behind, you are changing, growing stronger as a person and maybe she feels like you don't need her in the way you might have before.

None of that excuses her behaviour which is completely unacceptable but it might be the reason behind it. A serious chat might be in order, telling her that you still care about her as your friend and have done as much as you can to make her part of your life as a friend but cannot keep her around with the behaviour she has displayed recently. It is damaging to you and making you feel bad, dress differently and feel differently about the friendship. That will either give her the kick she needs to cop on that she is losing her only friend or she will continue as before and you will need to cut contact.

Sorry Lynda, this sucks, I don't know how you have put up with her for so long. I think most of us will put up with a certain amount from friends but once someone starts being nasty to my family, that'd be it for me.