Sex problem - need advice

SoloHunter

I am 30 & have been married for about 1 year but have been with with my wife about 10 years. We get on really well and have no financial worries or anything like that. She is good looking, generous, honest & I'm proud to be her husband.

Our sex life is the only one area in the relationship which i think is not perfect, but more recently it's going from bad to worse.

When we were going out with each other, sex was just ok and not very regular (sometimes once or twice a week, sometimes only once or twice a month). We are together since our early 20's so neither of us have had that many sexual partners.

We had broken up a few times, a few years before we got engaged/married, & during those times I had a few sexual partners with whom I really enjoyed sex. With 1 partner in particular, sex was exceptional & i know she felt the same way, but then other parts of that relationship were not right, so I didn't stay with her.

My wife had 1 or 2 partners during this time also & we discussed all this openly the last time we got back together. Discussing these issues was never a problem for us.

The lack of sex & the poor quality of sex has been discussed many times, in a mature way and it never causes any bad feeling on either side. We are so close we really can discuss anything.

She accepts that she does not make enough effort & our sex problems are down to her. She always says she will improve it & I believe she has good intentions at the time, but in reality she makes no effort at all. We have recently discussed starting a family, but even that has not improved her desire to have sex!

I've gone beyond the point of hoping there will be any improvement at this stage. However, the thought of this being my sex life for the rest of my life is soul destroying. I really care about her & don't want to hurt her or break up with her, but part of me wants to find someone who can help me enjoy my sex life.

Recently during one of these discussions, I asked her what she would think if I had sex with someone else (told you we could discuss absolutely anything). I expected her to say, no way & that would be the end of us etc, but to my surprise she said, I wouldn't like it but could understand if I did decide to have sex with someone else.

Has anyone else been in a similar relationship/position, where sex is the only issue? What I really want is to enjoy sex with her, but as that's not happening despite my best efforts & having been very honest & open with her. Is having sex with someone else the answer?

I'm a reasonably good looking and sociable guy & never had any trouble meeting girls when I was single, but do I want to go down that road while still staying married & possibly having a family with my wife in the future?

I know this is a totally messed up scenario, so any advice / opinions would be appreciated?

Do I need to walk away from my marriage altogether or just except it for what it is?

Hardonraging

So you've a bad sex life, that sux, really it does, but you know this, and fair due's to your partner, she's open enough to discuss you sleeping with other people .

Two questions come to mind, how you you feel about her sleeping with somebody else ?

And why not meet other couples ?

Casper2000

I'm in the same boat bud, except I'm not married and we have a 3 year old son! Sex is a disaster though, once in a blue moon we have sex and she doesn't make much of an effort with that.
But I still love her and would never consider leaving for sex reasons! But every bloke has needs and your no exception, so do what feels right for you!!!

SoloHunter

SoloHunter wrote: »

She accepts that she does not make enough effort & our sex problems are down to her. She always says she will improve it & I believe she has good intentions at the time, but in reality she makes no effort at all. We have recently discussed starting a family, but even that has not improved her desire to have sex!

If neither of you are very experienced, how do you know you're doing everything perfectly and it's her fault? To be honest I see two problems with this:
1 - You seem very comfortable with putting all the blame on her.
2 - The fact that there's anyone being blamed.
It takes two to tango. I find it difficult to believe that anyone is inherently bad at sex. It's far more likely that it's the two of you together that just isn't working sex-wise. Unless she's point blank refusing to have sex, I can't see how the situation could be construed as all her fault.

Then there's the sleeping with someone else issue. If you guys want a sexually open relationship, that's fine, but from what you've said here it doesn't sound like that's what's happening. You've established a dynamic in the relationship where sex is always expected to be "bad" and she's getting the blame for it. You then discuss getting sex from somewhere else and she says that she wouldn't like it but that it would be ok. It sounds to me like she feels all the responsibility for the sex issue and just wants to keep you happy.

Sorcha16

OP, you sound more like friends than lovers and as though both of you have reached a stage where being able to 'discuss absolutely anything' is destroying any chemistry and mystique between you.

There's a fine line between comfortable and complacency. You both need to stop this over-sharing and talking about your sex life all the time. Nothing sucks the passion and spontaneity out of something like going over it ad nauseam.

Actions speak louder than words so stop talking and start seducing her -compliment her, flirt with her, exchange heated looks, laugh with her. Great sex isn't just about what happens in the bedroom, it happens because of what comes before and after it

tan11ie

I'm just going to keep this short and sweet.

Don't get married, don't have children.It won't improve, if anything it will get worse.You both need to find partners who tick all the boxes otherwise it's just a friendship which eventually could turn into resentment.

Distorted

Having read your post OP, I'm struggling to understand why you got married and not leading a single life and out there meeting different women and having a more active sex life. This sort of thing is par for the course for long term relationships (ok there might be people out there who have the most active sex lives but plenty don't), and your wife sounds more like a friend than a sexual partner. So I'm getting the impression that you made the choice to go for security and settle, rather than keep looking, and it sounds a bit two-faced now for you to claim that you are not happy with what you knew you were getting.

Do you really think your wife would be happy with opening the can of worms that is an open marriage? Really? And how do you think your sex life is going to be in the future?

I often wonder why men who have these thoughts don't just stay single.

SoloHunter

Hi,

Thanks for all your comments, much appreciated. I’ve decided to respond to them individually.

Hardonraging - She would not be into meeting other couples and neither would I. Neither of us are into that sort of thing. What I really want is a good sex life with my wife and ya it really does suck that it's not happening. You may have confused us with a couple who are looking to go the extra mile!

Casper2000 - Thanks very much for that post. To be honest I wouldnt leave her just because the sex is bad. I'm glad others are of the same opinion. I was just throwing that out there to see what other people think of that. That makes me wonder what the effect of having a baby would be for us L

True-or-faulse - We're not total novices! I had a few different other partners before I met my wife / while we were split up. In those cases, sex was really good with some, good with others and pretty average with 1 or 2 others. I know for sure I was doing things right in at least some of those cases! She has not initiated sex since we got married hardly, when I initiate it, sometimes she engages, but quite often she says she's not in the mood/too tired etc. I've asked her if she thinks she would be different with another partner, but she said it was the same for her with previous partners and can’t imagine it would be any different for her, no matter who she was with. On that basis, I do contribute most of the blame to her, but when I say blame, it's not as if I ridicule her over it or anything like that. We are always civil about it. It doesn’t not lead to fights / arguments. You’re probably right about that ‘dynamic’.
Sorcha16 – I fully agree with you when you say we are more like friends than lovers. She is my best friend also and I really do love her. However, just to clarify, we don’t sit around discussing things all day every day! When I said that we can discuss anything, what I mean is that when we talk about sex, it’s never awkward and everything is put on the table (verbally!). We don’t actually discuss it that often. In fact, when I have tried to be spontaneous, she has often said stuff like, oh not now, we’ll have sex when we get home from work tomorrow or later tonight instead etc. I’m coming to the conclusion that she’s just not ‘into sex’.
Tan11ie – I disagree with you somewhat. You see, I think when you grow old together and sex becomes less important at a certain age, it’s a person that you are friends with and who you can talk to that you will be happy with. I wouldn’t base a relationship on sex only (if I did I would have stayed with some of the other girls I met) as you need more in common than that.
Distorted – I’m not the type of guy who wants to sleep around and just be all about the sex. I haven’t stayed single because I do want to settle down, have a family and enjoy family life. Since I’ve known her, the sex was never out of this world, but it was ok. More recently it was gone from being ‘ok’ to ‘bad’ to ‘pretty bad’. I accept that sex diminishes as a relationship gets older for 99% of couples, but I just don’t think it needs to get to the low level we are at. When I asked her how she’d feel if I had sex with someone else, in reality I was probably hoping (and expecting) she’d say NO WAY and maybe make a bit more effort with us. I do wonder now though, that if I did have ‘good sex’ with someone once in a blue moon, would it make me happier (as casper2000 said, every man has his needs) or would it ruin the good parts of our relationship also (i.e. everything except the sex)? If I thought there was a risk it would ruin everything, I’d keep him in my pants!

Hardonraging

SoloHunter wrote: »

Hardonraging - She would not be into meeting other couples and neither would I. Neither of us are into that sort of thing. What I really want is a good sex life with my wife and ya it really does suck that it's not happening. You may have confused us with a couple who are looking to go the extra mile!

You're content to sleep with other people with her blessing ? yet you snub the idea of meeting other couples ? I appreciate that your wife may not be interested in that, however i'd hardly describe it as "the extra mile"

I cant see there being an easy fix for this, it works for some couples where the wife knows the husband sleep's around, but i'd love to see the statistic's on how many of those relationship's last ..

The green eyed monster is never far away ..

ibarelycare

I don't see what you can do to "fix" things. You seem to have exhausted the whole discussion side of things. Seriously though, you knew she was like this when you married her, so what did you expect? I think sex is a very important part of a relationship but you've always been sexually incompatible it seems, so I don't know what you realistically want to do. You're not going to be able to change things, and it sounds like you're not going to be able to come to some sort of compromise either. Your options are live with it, or leave her.

Taltos

The other options you have are

1. See a GP - to eliminate anything physically causing this issue.
2. Both of you talk to a sexual therapist, see if this is something you can both work on.

In terms of sex being less important as you get older - well I am a good bit older now than a few years ago and yes while things do change sex is still as important to me as it was when I was in my 20s. Without it I have problems dealing with stress, my mind starts doing the hoopla about my marriage - all kinds of crazy. That could just be me though.

So - work on it - accept her for her current (and diminishing) sex drive - or leave.

In terms of bringing kids into the mix? Not trying to be trite here but maybe get a rescue dog instead. Kids just add to the natural stresses of a marriage. Lets jump 14 yrs down the track - daughter on the net one day, stumbles across your (permitted/but not discussed) extra-marital affairs - all hell breaks loose... I personally think children are the last thing you should be thinking about here.

SoloHunter

Our physical health is pretty good. She runs 1/2 marathons regularly and I go to the gym & am an amateur boxer so also in pretty good shape. If we were unhealthy / unfit/ couch potatoes I'd see some merrit in seeing a GP, but as we're not, I wont go down that route just yet.

I think talking to a sex theraphist could be a good idea alright, I'll see if she's up for that, and if so, hopefully it will be of some benifit. I'd certainly be willing to give it a go.

Taltos - can I ask, are you a male / female? What age bracket are you in? Do you have kids? I'm glad to hear sex is still importnant / good for you as you get older.

Ya its not a good environment for kids alright I admit and it would not be fair on them. Also - having read these posts, I do wonder would sleeping with someone else actually give me satisfaction, even if the sex was good at the time. As I say, it's not in my nature to 'want' to sleep with other women in general.

DaisyD2

SoloHunter wrote: »

Our physical health is pretty good. She runs 1/2 marathons regularly and I go to the gym & am an amateur boxer so also in pretty good shape. If we were unhealthy / unfit/ couch potatoes I'd see some merrit in seeing a GP, but as we're not, I wont go down that route just yet.

I think talking to a sex theraphist could be a good idea alright, I'll see if she's up for that, and if so, hopefully it will be of some benifit. I'd certainly be willing to give it a go.

Taltos - can I ask, are you a male / female? What age bracket are you in? Do you have kids? I'm glad to hear sex is still importnant / good for you as you get older.

Ya its not a good environment for kids alright I admit and it would not be fair on them. Also - having read these posts, I do wonder would sleeping with someone else actually give me satisfaction, even if the sex was good at the time. As I say, it's not in my nature to 'want' to sleep with other women in general.

Being fit/couch potato has no bearing on sex drives but their could be very good medical reasons for seeing a GP to rule hormone imbalances for your wifes low (zero?) sex drive.

You say you've been together a long time so I would presume as you are still childless that she started using contraception young, possibly before discovering what her "normal sex drive" would be, so how would either of you know if its not just a matter of the contraception not agreeing with her?

You say you have good communication could there be other reasons shes not interested? Or do your talks generally end with changing subject/tired/later etc, you've obviously been unable to reach agreement.

If you want your marriage to work you must rule out medical issues and a visit to sex therapist probably wouldn't hurt but if as some posters suggested your just sexually incompatible when it comes to your respective sex drives it will only lead to massive problems in your marriage that an open arrangement, heaven forbid children or even good communication can't solve.

Sex is clearly important to YOU so you have to ask yourself is living with your "best-friend" worth a life of celibacy?

aidan24326

She has become your best friend rather than your lover. If she shows little interest in sex and makes no effort that's unlikely to change. Could be partly your fault too though. Do you try to get her interested? Seduce her? Pamper her?

Also, discussing your sexual history in forensic detail isn't particularly healthy. Some things are best left in the past. Saying 'we can talk about anything' is again more a description of a close friend than a lover.

Sex Therapy could be an option but there's a possibility that the two of you, however close, just aren't sexually compatible. You're then faced with the difficult decision of whether to accept your lot or leave and wait for the right girl to come along some time in the future. If sex therapy doesn't improve things (or if she won't even go) then I don't see that you have much choice here. How ever much you care about her life is too short to be married to your flatmate.

Katy89

SoloHunter wrote: »

Also - having read these posts, I do wonder would sleeping with someone else actually give me satisfaction, even if the sex was good at the time. As I say, it's not in my nature to 'want' to sleep with other women in general.

your real question or intention to post here seems to be to receive a form of allowance or absolution to go and exactly doing this: sleep with other women.

as far as I can read, no other poster suggested to do this. everybody suggested to
1. either accept the situation
2. searching help with a counsellor or
3. leave her.


I would think long and hard if you're going to have sex with other women whilst staying with your wife. Most of the time this things go downhill and messy.
as a woman myself my guess is your wife contemplated the situation you having sex with another woman because she is afraid of loosing you and theoretically it would get the pressure off her, but in her own mind and in reality she hates the thought of it.

I speak from own experience. I once got involved with a married man (he didn't tell me he was married, he just spoke about his girlfriend!!:mad:) he told me she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore (when I had with him, I understood why...) and she gives him free:eek:
when he told her he slept with another woman, she wasn't happy.

this 'giving him free' was obviously just to check his character, whether he'll be really doing it.

so as I said, the chances it will all be a great mess if you're going for other women is there, even if she's saying 'yes' to it in first place.
but then I don't know your partner personally, only you can find out.

good luck!

SoloHunter

Thats very interesting, I just assumed fit body & mind = fit sex drive.

Yes she has used contraception from an early age. That could be something to do with it so possibly and something I'll talk to her about. A GP visit may be a good idea afterall.

No our discussions are always full and open. We never end a discussion with a 'lets discuss it later' or with an argument. Other possible reasons such as suffering sexual abused for example, are not a factor either thank god.

Sex is important to me certainly, so as you say, I think we need to look at the medical aspects first and take it from there. If that does not resolve matters, I'll be reluctantly forced to consider my other options.

The 'best friend v celibacy' argument will come down to what is most important to me, not an easy decision to make, either way.

SuloBulo

Problems I see, shes not interested in sex.
Also, if you have been open to the point she knows you are not "happy" she could think shes not good enough and you are not satisfied.

I have it the other way around. MY partner is not interested in sex like he use to be. If I try to initiate he says not now. We are also open in discussion - but at nauseum, nothing changes, same pattern emerges again.

From my reading of forums - there are plenty of peeps in the same situation. It doesn't help when you are trying for a child. :eek: Sorry for hijacking your post - I suppose what Im trying to say - is only you can decide where to take it next.

Sorcha16

SoloHunter wrote: »

No our discussions are always full and open. We never end a discussion with a 'lets discuss it later' or with an argument.

No but it always ends with 'We'll have sex later" which is the real issue. Pencilling in sex for "Tomorrow after dinner" has all the passion of cleaning the bathroom and to be honest, it is not normal for a young, healthy woman to be so diametrically opposed to having sex with her husband.

I'm reticent to bring this up but as all other avenues have been explored -are you sure that your wife isn't being intimate with someone else?

NewYork1979

I would be worried as to why she is ok with you going off with other women. Maybe she is keeping you happy but maybe she doesn't care enough, maybe she has settled. I don't know your situation so I could be completely wrong.

Definitely definitely get blood tested for hormone levels, hidden glandular fever (can be dormant), consider changing contraception and go to a sex therapist, you would have to explore all of these first.

Sleeping with other women, Ireland is a fish bowl, it would get messy. You might be clear on why you are sleeping with other women, would those other women? What if you fell for one of them? What if they fell for you? Don't kid yourself that you can compartmentalise this stuff, you put yourself in the way of someone else and your marraige could go very fast.