Family ruined

LegacyUser

have to go unreg for this. Story is...

Close to my son always until now, he is 25.
My son and his girlfriend had a baby and girlfriend decided tht she wanted no one to see or visit the baby at all even when home.
All our family were very excited and visited the hospital once.
We were then told not to visit house so we didn't.
No one is welcome in the house, so everyone stays away.
Now we are being attacked for never bothering to visit!! and because we visited in the hospital when baby was born we are only allowed see baby when she says which is whn they visit once a month, for which we are grateful.
My family have all expressed how girlfriend makes us all feel and that we all have to jump to her beat.

My son has changed in personality since meeting this girl but he is an adult but I have lost a lovely son as has all my extended family. She wants him to cut us all off and he has.
She wants him all to herself and maybe she is entitled, but I think its strange that he has cut everyone off, including his friends.
It has really escalated lately and they seem to want to cut the whole world out of their lives.

Please what do people think or advise? Have we been wrong ? what can we do to improve situation? Thanks

Princessa

Were ye close to the girlfriend before she had the baby?

Some women find motherhood a bit stressful and maybe the not wanting ye around is that she knows the house will be a bit of a mess and her schedule will be all over the place until she gets used to motherhood. PND could also be a factor too maybe?

If baby isnt being breastfed or if she expresses could ye offer to take the baby off for a few hours and maybe when she comes to collect ye could all sit around and have dinner. If she wasnt in a long term relationship with your son before baby arrived she might still feel uncomfortable around ye. Im just throwing out different possibilities.

Have you asked your son straight out why cant we call around to the house to see ye and the baby? It might help you understand more and ye can work from there...

Whispered

How long ago did she have the baby OP?

Herrick

Hmmm, leaving aside the time frame since the baby was born.

What was he like before meeting her? As in really outgoing, always meeting friends? Then after meeting her has he cut everyone off? Like no nights out, no visiting family? How long are they together?

noah45

Before he met her he was lovely, kind, gentle and had lots friends. Now he has none and he has admitted that it was her doing.

Before the baby she was just ok but we tolerated her for his sake.Baby is 17 months.

He has explained that we have to obey her and that no one is allowed have the baby. His extended family have been cut off too.

We can all see that he has changed and we are genuinely devasted. We wonder if we could have been better?

shopaholic01

noah45 wrote: »

Before he met her he was lovely, kind, gentle and had lots friends. Now he has none and he has admitted that it was her doing.

Before the baby she was just ok but we tolerated her for his sake.Baby is 17 months.

He has explained that we have to obey her and that no one is allowed have the baby. His extended family have been cut off too.

We can all see that he has changed and we are genuinely devasted. We wonder if we could have been better?

She sounds like a control freak. She may also be abusing him - psychologically, maybe even physically (more common than people think).

She has alienated him from his family and friends, controls who enters the house and when and he appears to have no say. She may be using the baby as leverage 'if you don't do as I say you'll never see the baby again' etc. As they are not married he currently has very few rights under law.

Maybe start by telling him you've noticed he has changed and are concerned. Let him know you're there if he wants to talk. It may take a long time for him to open up, he might not open up at all.

Are her family/friends around? Could you talk to any of these?

edellc

noah45 wrote: »

Before he met her he was lovely, kind, gentle and had lots friends. Now he has none and he has admitted that it was her doing.

Before the baby she was just ok but we tolerated her for his sake.Baby is 17 months.

He has explained that we have to obey her and that no one is allowed have the baby. His extended family have been cut off too.

We can all see that he has changed and we are genuinely devasted. We wonder if we could have been better?

Everyone changes when they are in a relationship, if we where all to stay the same as we where when we where teenagers or indeed in our early 20's the world would be a whole lot scarier than it is now, its called growing up.
Look at your own life how social and outgoing where you when you where single and how social and outgoing where you when you set up house and had kids?? see what I mean

Your relationship with this girl prior to having your grandchild is very important and you havent actually said how it was? If it wasnt good before what makes you think that a baby will change it, a baby will make it worse as she may feel like you are being over bearing, regardless of if that is your intention or not.

My inlaws live the other end of the country but the morning I gave birth they where on a train up even though I asked them not too, and the first weekend I was home they where all there again, dying to see me breastfeed, and check out babys poo seriously, to say I was not a happy camper is an understatement and I wasnt close to them prior to the birth even though I with my partner 13 years, just something to think about.

As for now the baby is 17mths, maybe initially your son and his partner wanted to settle into being parents and after a couple of months would have been happy with visits, and maybe you have taken no visitors very very literally and taken it as NEVER

I am sure your sons partner doesnt make all the decisions he is a grown man and unless she is hiding behind him with a gun to his head, he can and I am sure will make his own decisions and the initial No Visitors rule was something they both wanted, but for you as a parent it is difficult to lay this blame on your son and easier to blame his partner than accept the truth

As for the drifting of the relationship with your son, this is to be expected, its well know that mothers and daughter (most anyway) will have a close bond all their life, but a son once he falls in love will follow that love and leave his birth family behind, he wont ever forget you and will be in touch sporadically, but it will never be like it was when he was a kid, teenager, 20's or single at whatever age. As much as it hurts its healthy for him not to be tied to mammys apron strings and to move on and have his own family and be the man of that family, its been happening since man kind began and will happen a long time after you and I are gone so to fain innocence to this will just cause you more heart ache.

What I think you should do now is make amends, be humble even if you think you did nothing wrong, life is short and its better to draw a line with things and move on rather than hold grudges and have regrets on your death bed. So ring your son and "daughter in law" just to see how they are, its all about baby steps, and if you didnt have a relationship with this woman before then it should be given priority to form one, as we all know a cleaver mother does this when she has a son and that way he can be the daughter she never had, if you catch my drift.

LegacyUser

Thanks edellc

The relationship with the partner was ok as I said above and that we tolerated her for his sake-this is the feeling of the entire extended family. She is not and has not been a nice person to anyone at all. But she is his choice and we eventually acknowledged this and were always nice to her and welcomed her in our home.

No one is permitted to visit them at all. No one calls to the house,they are not welcome. Now I realise that this is their right and I suppose I have trouble accepting it without feeling annoyed by it.

We would love to babysit etc but the only time we see the baby is when they visit us. We were grateful for that but we would love to have her on her own for an hour every now and then.

The problem now is that no one at all can see them as they have cut everyone out of their lives, and we are all shell shocked, upset and hurt.

I am questioning wether I am imagining all this about her,but family all picked up the same vibes. He will not answer his phone to us at all.

I know that all we can do now is wait. I miss him and feel as though we are alone in this but I suppose others are in a similar situation.

LegacyUser

This sounds eerily familiar. I had a female friend who went a bit weird like that when she had her children. She not only cut me out of her life but other longstanding friends too. I've lost touch with her now but am told that her husband's friends were made to feel unwelcome too and got cut out of their lives. She had moved to where her husband's from so she was stuck with the in-laws but she resented them coming to visit. I think she was a bit outnumbered and had no choice but to have them visit!

I'm not sure what advice I can give you really other than to try and keep the lines of communication open. I honestly can't say if your son's going along with this isolation by choice or coercion but he is the only person who can do anything about it. Sadly from your point of view, waiting is the only game in town. I hope for your sake that as time goes on, you will see your grandchild more often and that some sort of relationship can be formed with your son's girlfriend.

iguana

anam3 wrote: »

We would love to babysit etc but the only time we see the baby is when they visit us. We were grateful for that but we would love to have her on her own for an hour every now and then.

I completely sympathise with your situation and there is no way I'd ever put my family or in laws through what you are going through but it strikes me as if, considering the particular situation, you push too hard. For example if they asked for no visitors at the hospital, a really common request from new parents, and you showed up anyway you should absolutely not have done that and it probably really upset them. It was a disrespectful act at an emotional time for them. Yes your family was all incredibly excited by the new arrival but do you really think that your excitement was of more important than the excitement and wishes of the baby's parents? Because you acted as if it was.

Tbh, I can understand why someone who feels disrespected by you, (and she'd clearly be right to feel that way) wouldn't want you to have responsibility for her child. Yet your desire seems to be just about what you want with their child, ie her all to yourself for a bit, ahead of attempting to build a better relationship with the whole family. Bear in mind that even at 17 months some parents have very little desire for time away from their child. Offering to babysit isn't actually an offer if the purpose of the offer is to get what you want rather than to give them something they want.

And what's with the complaining that you have to 'jump to her beat' with regards to seeing her child? Surely that goes without saying? The fact that you find something so completely obvious as strange and unfair suggests that maybe some of how she is acting is justified? Most likely she is going over the top but some people have absolutely no tolerance for people who they know don't like them and don't respect their wishes. She may be one of them.

The thing is, that even if you find my assessment unfair and he behaviour unreasonable It really is her and your son's call. If you want to play a bigger part in their lives then you need to accept that you have to do that the way they want. Forget about babysitting for now. You don't have a strong relationship with the mother and I suspect you'll need to build one before she trusts you with her child. Forget about blaming her for changing your son. You actually have no real idea that that's what's happening. Perhaps your son finds visits with you stressful? Perhaps he doesn't have any desire to have his daughter babysat and hates feeling your expectation and disappointment. Perhaps he doesn't want to be around people who just tolerate the woman that he loves? You don't know for sure.

But what you can be sure of is that the situation makes you unhappy and if you want to change the situation you will need to change the way you react to it. Forget about getting together with your extended family and sharing your negative opinions of his partner, that will never get you anywhere good. Concentrate on changing the relationship you have with her. You may never like her but for as long as she is your son's partner you need to learn to respect her. You might not understand her decisions but she has every right to make them, so respect that and go along with them.

CarMe

I totally and utterly agree with Iguanna.
OP, put yourself in the mothers shoes, would you like somebody who didn't like you, only tolerated you in your home? I wouldn't, baby or no baby they wouldn't be welcome in my home, my private personal space. This woman has no obligation to you, stop blaming her for your sons short comings! When I had my daughter my partners mother was up non stop and it hurt me so much that she'd made no attempt to get to know me at all in the previous years yet she'd pop up daily when I was weary and trying to learn the ropes as a new mother, it made me feel like a vessel that was only good for carrying her grandchild to be totally honest and I still feel like that now though she has been absolutely brilliant to my daughter and Im so glad my child has someone who loves her so much but unfortunately from what you've said and how you speak about her, I don't blame her not wanting you around.

hoodwinked

i have to agree with the others, it really comes across in your post how much you don't like your sons partner, and im afraid she probably knows it given her re-actions, as does he by the sounds of it as he is backing her,


you say

But she is his choice and we eventually acknowledged this

and im afraid the damage you did before you acknowledged this is biting you now, and if you behaved in anyway badly to this woman, i am pretty sure she would have talked it over with your son hence his possible reluctance to spend time with you.


i wouldn't (and didn't) let anyone i didn't trust be in charge of my baby, only now she is able to make her mind mind up are we letting her choose (to an extent) if she wants to see relatives.

remember especially with a first born new parents tend to be over-protective.



you say he is cutting everyone out including his friends? how do you know this for sure (if you don't mind me asking) the reason i ask is my husbands parents would think the same thing about him as they don't really see him going out socialising now he no longer lives at home, when in fact my husband is out with his friends more these days then ever before (and he has more friends these days) i'm the one dealing with him coming home drunk at 3am instead of them! :pac:

when he talks to them he isn't going to be telling them "oh yeah i was out clubbing until 3am there two nights in a row" instead it would be something like "yeah i saw my friends there the other day....*changes subject*" which could sound like he was lying about seeing his friends and thus "cutting out his friends", so be careful making assumptions like that.

LegacyUser

I appreciate your honesty posters and you have made me see things in a new light.

Yes I suppose we were putting our excitement etc ahed of their wishes, although that certainly wasn't intentionally done. We just wanted so badly to be involved.

This is exactly why I posted here, I really needed others point of view from the outside and I feel now that the reality is we have become those kind of 'in-laws'that I thought we never would.

I know that it will be a long time before they are ready if ever to let us bac into their lives.