What's going on with this guy?

cookiexx

Hi guys,

My head is wrecked, I could use some advice!

Living abroad and was seeing an Irish guy for a few months. He went back home a few weeks ago, so we broke up.

I've had a thing for a friend of his for a while. He's a guy I don't know too well...but would meet him out every other week as we have mutual friends. The whole time I was seeing his friend, I was attracted to him, but obviously nothing was ever going to happen.

Until last week. We went out to a mutual friend's birthday drinks, got pretty drunk and ended up together. I ended up telling him how I've liked him for a while, he told me the same except that because of my ex, he sort of put it to the back of his head...we went back to mine, lots of kissing, affection, fooled around for a bit, slept, hung out the next day, got breakfast, swapped numbers and went our separate ways.

I suggested we do something the following day as we both had the day off, he seemed eager. I got a text the next afternoon saying that he injured himself playing football the night before, fair enough.

I get a text the following day saying he's in town, fancy a coffee? I was the other side of town and said 'give me an hour' - by the time I was about to catch a bus to him, he was on his way home. Apparently his injury was flaring up.

My work schedule is a little crazy this week but we made vague plans to meet up at some point during the week.
I texted him yesterday...a bit of banter, then he told me that he's working every day for the next week and possibly the week after.

Was this a brush off? A way of getting out of meeting up? I haven't heard a thing from him since. That and the fact that he didn't bother sticking around long enough for coffee makes me think that it was a drunken thing, he's really not that into me. I really got the impression that he liked me though so it's a bit disappointing.

I know I'm probably overthinking the entire situation, but I really like the guy, have done for a while and all of this just screams 'time waster' to me.
I've had this kind of thing from guys before - ask me out and then NO follow-up - and the frustration of waiting for someone to send a text or set a time and place when they've asked me out meant that it never went anywhere.

I assumed it meant they weren't bothered enough about me to actually get in contact and make plans with me.

I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop waiting for my phone to beep.

Am I totally over-analysing?

seenitall

Hi OP,

yes, you are over-analysing it (I think you've posted about this before, but at that time you weren't broken up with the other guy yet, AFAIR?).

We've all been there. You like someone, but it's not the stuff of fairytale beginnings. Someone you've kissed and had a lovely night with, is now very, very busy and communication has dwindled. It's not looking great. You know all this.

Honestly, I don't know what else to tell you, because you know yourself that the best thing to do now is to cool your jets about this guy and let him get in touch if/when he's well and ready.

However, even at this early stage, I would have my reservations; you say yourself this is familiar territory. Well, if you now know how to spot 'em in time, there is no reason for you not to start going one step further to letting them off in time.

Best wishes!

cookiexx

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

yes, you are over-analysing it (I think you've posted about this before, but at that time you weren't broken up with the other guy yet, AFAIR?).

Nope, first time posting about this.

Thanks for the advice.

I guess I'm just disappointed that it'll probably go nowhere because I really like the guy. Or at least I thought I did. I know that if I liked somebody and took their number, I wouldn't physically be able to stop myself from texting. Maybe that tells me all I need to know.

What's funny is that before we got together, he used to joke to me about his love life, how he was useless with women, didn't know how to act around girls he liked, was 'shy and awkward' and I used to laugh at him and give him advice on how to approach, asking girls out. Oh the irony.

I've deleted his number anyway and that's it from me, if he gets in touch, great, but I'm not making any more of an effort, I feel like it's his move.

Distorted

I wonder whether he has a girlfriend, hence the limited time and lack of contact since? He might be keeping her secret so he can do things like he did with you.

cookiexx

Distorted wrote: »

I wonder whether he has a girlfriend, hence the limited time and lack of contact since? He might be keeping her secret so he can do things like he did with you.

I really don't think it's that, we have the same group of friends and were visibly holding hands etc in front of them when we got together at the weekend. In fact I felt a bit weird about that the next day, as I'm not long broken up from my ex, who was also a mutual friend of everyone's.

I'm wondering if the guilt of being with essentially his friend's ex has become too much, as he kept going on about how guilty he felt when we first hooked up. Or if it has something to do with what happened when we were fooling around...without wanting to get to graphic, we had a failure to launch situation briefly the next day, which I didn't think too much about at the time but I know he was embarrassed. Or is he just generally bad and awkward and socially inept with girls he likes and I'm feeling the consequences of that?

More likely I'm fooling myself and he just doesn't feel the same way. Which feels wonderful :cool:

Merkin

I think in the cold light of day he might be feeling some remorse at scoring a friends' ex. There's nothing you can do about that, if it doesn't sit comfortably with him then I'd just forget about it. Being that busy for two weeks is a brush off unfortunately, if he was keen to meet up then he'd made the time.

ariescutie30

Merkin wrote: »

I think in the cold light of day he might be feeling some remorse at scoring a friends' ex. There's nothing you can do about that, if it doesn't sit comfortably with him then I'd just forget about it. Being that busy for two weeks is a brush off unfortunately, if he was keen to meet up then he'd made the time.

Ex's friend=bad...giving it up so soon=bad...it's not looking good

Hardonraging

Infairness there's some really simple advice i often give here ..


If he's interested he'll make an effort ! t'is that simple ladies... this guy's not making any effort from what you're telling us .. you're doing all the running..

cookiexx

I don't know what his story is to be honest.
As I said I deleted his number, he's been fb chatting me the last few days & then he texted me last night.

We've got conflicting work schedules and both work a LOT, which isn't helping matters.

Doesn't help either that none of our mutual friends, some of whom he lives with, know about it at this stage (out of necessity, kind of doesn't look good on either of us given my recent relationship) & he'd have a pretty active social life with them.

On Friday he said 'we should meet tomorrow!' - his day off. I told him I was working til 9 but might be around after. He said he had a dinner party. So didn't expect it would happen & then he texted me last night saying they were staying in the house, he wouldn't be coming out.

Like, why even bother?

Hardonraging wrote: »

If he's interested he'll make an effort ! t'is that simple ladies...

Yes I fully agree. Anyone I've had any sort of relationship with has made it simple for me. They've made the effort & made it blatantly obvious they like me.

This guy can't even commit to a date.

Why does he keep asking me out & not following through? Why does he insist on keeping up the contact?

I've somewhat emotionally extracted myself from the situation at this stage as its become so head wrecking, but seriously, what the hell is he at?

Is it simply that he really is as bad with girls as he's always claimed to be? The guy's almost 30!

Hardonraging

cookiexx wrote: »

I don't know what his story is to be honest.
As I said I deleted his number, he's been fb chatting me the last few days & then he texted me last night.

We've got conflicting work schedules and both work a LOT, which isn't helping matters.

Doesn't help either that none of our mutual friends, some of whom he lives with, know about it at this stage (out of necessity, kind of doesn't look good on either of us given my recent relationship) & he'd have a pretty active social life with them.

On Friday he said 'we should meet tomorrow!' - his day off. I told him I was working til 9 but might be around after. He said he had a dinner party. So didn't expect it would happen & then he texted me last night saying they were staying in the house, he wouldn't be coming out.

Like, why even bother?



Yes I fully agree. Anyone I've had any sort of relationship with has made it simple for me. They've made the effort & made it blatantly obvious they like me.

This guy can't even commit to a date.

Why does he keep asking me out & not following through? Why does he insist on keeping up the contact?

I've somewhat emotionally extracted myself from the situation at this stage as its become so head wrecking, but seriously, what the hell is he at?

Is it simply that he really is as bad with girls as he's always claimed to be? The guy's almost 30!

Do you think he is ? honestly ? he's happy enough to string you along there, and eventually your path's / schedule's will pan out, maybe he'll get some ..

True and view this in a long term perspective, neither of you can get it together now, how's that gonna work out in 6 - 8 months time ??

Kick him to the kerb, and find somebody who's a bit more mature,and upfront about things, you hardly need the hassle !

Distorted

OP, why don't you ditch the dating idea for the time being and just arrange to meet up for a chat? And have a bit of a discussion about things? If theres not a secret girlfriend on the go, I'd say he really likes you but is worried about something. So communication is the way forward. Going out with someone else in your social circle doesn't by law ban you from seeing someone else in it, but its best to have a bit of a gap. Maybe he is also worried you're only interested in him now because the other guy has left. So communicate!

cookiexx

Distorted wrote: »

OP, why don't you ditch the dating idea for the time being and just arrange to meet up for a chat? And have a bit of a discussion about things? If theres not a secret girlfriend on the go, I'd say he really likes you but is worried about something. So communication is the way forward. Going out with someone else in your social circle doesn't by law ban you from seeing someone else in it, but its best to have a bit of a gap. Maybe he is also worried you're only interested in him now because the other guy has left. So communicate!

Thanks Distorted.

I'm done trying to figure it out, to be honest. Haven't heard from him for a while now so I'm drawing a line under it. He obviously has his own issues, given the random contact & failed attempts to meet up and I have enough of my own issues to deal with to have to put up with that kind of head fcuk. I deserve better.

I don't think I'd be good enough friends with him to broach anything, or if the surface level friendship we have is worth trying to save. I'm sure I'll see him out somewhere down the line when we all meet up, I'll deal with that when I have to.

I feel a bit silly now that the dust has begun to settle as I was quite forward with him & the next morning I got the stupid idea into my head that this was the start of something...even though my ex was barely out of the country. He didn't deserve that and I feel really bad now, it was inappropriate and totally selfish and ultimately not even worth it.

I guess you live and learn.

cookiexx

Sorry for the bump...just thought I'd update for the hell of it.

So last night I learned why nothing ever progressed with this guy.

I was talking to my best friend, who just moved back to Ireland recently, and who would be better friends with this guy and all of our mutual friends than I would.

She said that she was talking to one of the lads recently, who told her that he was raging at my guy for getting with me because my ex was 'supposed to be his mate'. My friend said 'surely it's not that big a deal...they split up?', but according to him, it's a big deal for lads and you 'just don't go after your mate's woman'. So apparently something was said to my guy along these lines and it seems he's been effectively scared off me.

In terms of contact, there's been a few facebook chats, he ambiguously asked me out again (which I'm sure he won't follow up on). He lost his phone last week so after all the chats & not knowing at this stage what had actually happened, I sent him a message with my number & told him to get in touch. That's obviously not going to happen!

I'm really glad to at least know the reason for his weird behaviour. He's a really sociable guy, loves his friends etc, so I know that feeling like he had crossed a line with them would have killed him and he just wouldn't risk that for a girl. I feel as though he did like me, but I suppose his hands are tied.

I sort of feel cheated in a way, because at the time my feelings for him were stronger than for my ex, who I'm well and truly over and who I had a completely clean break with. We broke up without any view of ever getting back together, it was a mutual thing, we ended on good terms. I still really like this guy, but the way things are now, I know that it will never happen.

I guess that's the way the cookie (cookiexx!) crumbles

cookiexx

Sorry for the double bump

So I've been on two dates with this guy since I last updated and to my utter dismay, I've been reeled in even further and as anyone could have expected, left totally hanging.

Last I met with him was last Saturday night, we went out for drinks & ended up meeting with a few friends of his, he spent the night and since then any contact we've had has been instigated by me. The fb messages have stopped. I told him I liked him - again - and he said the same to me - 'I wouldn't be here if I didn't'. But he 'still feels guilty' about my ex.

He asked me out both times, and each time he seemed totally into me - and now nothing? Why even bother? Why do guys do this?

Classic case of 'I told you so' and I have no intention of doing any more chasing, I can't handle any more headfcuk. But I literally can't get him off my mind. I can't get away from his fb page, I can't stop wishing my phone would beep. I wasn't even like this with my ex - my feelings are just so strong. And I feel utterly dejected.

I wish I had just read the warning signs

cantdecide

I bet if you had your time back... you'd do it all again. Everyone will be a fool for love eventually. Some will do it over and over. Don't beat yourself up. You are at the start of a process of disentanglement. Be nice to yourself. Confide in friends. Permit yourself to be down for now in the name of moving on. Arrange stuff to look forward to and KEEP YOURSELF DISTRACTED. You deserve better.

Hardonraging

cookiexx wrote: »

Sorry for the double bump

So I've been on two dates with this guy since I last updated and to my utter dismay, I've been reeled in even further and as anyone could have expected, left totally hanging.

Last I met with him was last Saturday night, we went out for drinks & ended up meeting with a few friends of his, he spent the night and since then any contact we've had has been instigated by me. The fb messages have stopped. I told him I liked him - again - and he said the same to me - 'I wouldn't be here if I didn't'. But he 'still feels guilty' about my ex.

He asked me out both times, and each time he seemed totally into me - and now nothing? Why even bother? Why do guys do this?

Classic case of 'I told you so' and I have no intention of doing any more chasing, I can't handle any more headfcuk. But I literally can't get him off my mind. I can't get away from his fb page, I can't stop wishing my phone would beep. I wasn't even like this with my ex - my feelings are just so strong. And I feel utterly dejected.

I wish I had just read the warning signs

So if you see the portions i've set in bold above you'll get your answer basically ..

He knows your in to him, and an easy fúck .. so he'll make a bit of an effort, and loose the urge once the deed is done ..

koala bear at it's finest

cookiexx

Hardonraging wrote: »

So if you see the portions i've set in bold above you'll get your answer basically ..

He knows your in to him, and an easy fúck .. so he'll make a bit of an effort, and loose the urge once the deed is done ..

koala bear at it's finest

He spent the night but we didn't have sex...we have yet to have sex.

I know the easy answer with these scenarios is always "he just wants sex" but in this case I think this guy is a little more complicated. We fooled around but he just doesn't seem the wham bam thank you ma'am type, of which I have ****loads of experience of, trust me.

Anyway, update is that we chatted a bit last night, I couldn't help but broach the subject & said "maybe we should just be friends ", which he seemed totally taken aback by & suggested we meet up next week to talk it out in person.

So maybe I might get some answers.

Hardonraging

cookiexx wrote: »

He spent the night but we didn't have sex...we have yet to have sex.

I know the easy answer with these scenarios is always "he just wants sex" but in this case I think this guy is a little more complicated. We fooled around but he just doesn't seem the wham bam thank you ma'am type, of which I have ****loads of experience of, trust me.

Anyway, update is that we chatted a bit last night, I couldn't help but broach the subject & said "maybe we should just be friends ", which he seemed totally taken aback by & suggested we meet up next week to talk it out in person.

So maybe I might get some answers.

At least you're making progress, also good clarification, it's obv not the sex, but something else, are you sure he's not seeing somebody else ?