Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Okay, I'll try keep this short.

Basically, I have been going out with my bf a year and a half. It was a bit bumpy at the start for me due to a certain girl, who was friends with him for about 2 years before i met him.
One night I went out with my bf and his friends, about 3 weeks into the relationship, as his friend had kept texting and ringing for him to come out. So we did. We got there and her face dropped when she saw me. I introduced myself as my bf didn't, and she just kind of ignored me. Subsequently, they were chatting while I sat by myself. She then came over and acted really nice to me....but in a fake way, telling me "oh you're soo prettty" and crap. So I humoured her. I felt quite uneasy but ignored it.
When we went outside the pub after it had closed the two of them were having a pretty deep conversation, so I found other people I knew and spoke with them. When we left, my bf told me that she went mad at him beacause he brought a "random girl" along with him. She later text him telling him she couldnt be friends with him anymore, which he was really upset over. But that seemed to be that.
Now, I think it's fair to say that it was natural for me to be suspicious that something happened between them and for a week or two afterwards I was really scared that maybe he had been seeing both of us, and now he may choose to be with her. He told me nothing had ever happened between them and never would. But his only reason that night for not being with her was because she lived in Dublin.

So...on a few months. I sometimes see he is texting her, but not a lot, only very sporadically. I was a bit jealous of this, but brushed it aside.

Further down the line, we end up having a big talk about past bfs gf etc, and I bring up my worries about this girl. He admits that he fancied her when he first met her, but then realised they were just friends. He also then said, that he went behind my back to meet up with her to sort out their friendship and stuff, and told me he never told me this because he knew i'd be annoyed. I have asked him numerous times why, after 3 weeks of us being together (in this space of time, he met her twice, dunno how many times he text her. One time he met her right after our first date) why he never mentioned me. He told his other friends but not her. He said he doesn't know why he didn't say it. He said they were no longer good friends now anyway and he wouldn't make an effort to try be her friend.

Forward on AGAIN and a few months back, I see her and him have been messaging each other online. So I told him that I thought they weren't freinds or whatever and he said he only replied to her to be polite.

Last night I see they have been talking again. He seemed to ignore the message from her while I was there, but I told him he could read it if he wanted to. He eventually did and it seemed that he initiated the conversation this time, asking her to send on her number as he had lost it. He didn't realise what the problem was. And I told him that he had told me that he wasn;t going to make an effort to be her friend and that he said the only reason he had replied last time was to be polite.

He tried saying that this wasn't the case, and that he actually really enjoyed talking to her last time. My problem is that he lief to me and told me he didn't really want to talk to her. I've told him before that I don't mind if they are friend just don't go behind my back about it. And it seems that's what he has done, in my opinion. He knows how sensitive I am about this issue. He knows I'm a jealous person, and he himself is even more of a jealous person than me, so I had trusted him to understand. He said he was worried that I would be upset if I knew they had been talking...but I'm more upset that he went and did it behind my back!

He admits he made a mistake not telling me, and for telling me things that were obviously untrue, but he kept coming up with excuses. He eventually said that he should have just told her about me from the very start and the whole situation wouldn't have ever happened.

I just feel betrayed and suspicious. He's gone behind my back to talk to her numerous times now, and he knows I don't like the whole situation and think it is a bit fishy. I don't know how to feel about this and whether or not to trust him.

I know I can be overly sensitive and that I'm jealous, so maybe I am overreacting. I don't know. I need some advice. Should I just let the whole thing go?

Esoteric_

I really think you are over reacting.

You say that you're a jealous person. I dated a jealous guy once and I felt that I had no choice but to hide my (purely platonic) friendship with another guy from him, because he hated me having any male friends.

If my mate dragged a new boyfriend out without me even knowing about him, on a night out with friends, I'd ask her why she brought a randomer, too. You don't know the girl, so you don't actually know that she was being 'fake' by saying you were pretty.

He lied to you about meeting up to fix the friendship and tbh I don't blame him because you sound more than a little jealous.

The only thing he did wrong was not tell you that he was meeting up with her, and I can't even blame him with that. Sounds like he's done nothing wrong. He fancied her in the past, who cares? He wouldn't be with YOU if he didn't care about you.

Why not stop getting so hung up on this girl who has done absolutely nothing wrong, and work on your jealousy issues? Jealousy is a completely unattractive trait and destroys relationships. I'd encourage you to figure out why you're a jealous person. I used to be, because I had no self esteem, so I fixed it and now I'm not a jealous person and subsequent relationships have been much happier.

In short, I most definitely DO think you're over reacting.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for the reply.


I should have explained more. That night she was acting as if they were supposedly together. And she said she couldn't believe he came out to meet up with her while bringing some random girl along when she thought they had a thing together. The fact that she thought they had a thing just makes me suspicious. How did she get that idea.
I know I don't know her, but she was being very rude to me. She didn't speak to me when I first introduced myself and tried talking. And only later she came over to me and was overly nice, which to be honest, I found to be a bit fake and not genuine.

He was hiding meeting up with her before I even mentioned anything about being jealous. On that night I never said a thing to him about being weird about it, I only brought it up a few months later. So he had no reason to meet her behind my back.

Like, I really wouldn't mind if he was talking to her and not hiding it from me. It's just the fact that he is hiding it from me. Of course that's going to make me feel insecure. I have told him numerous times that I don't mind if they are friends, but not to do it behind my back.

ariescutie30

Overreact wrote: »

Hi, thanks for the reply.


I should have explained more. That night she was acting as if they were supposedly together. And she said she couldn't believe he came out to meet up with her while bringing some random girl along when she thought they had a thing together. The fact that she thought they had a thing just makes me suspicious. How did she get that idea.
I know I don't know her, but she was being very rude to me. She didn't speak to me when I first introduced myself and tried talking. And only later she came over to me and was overly nice, which to be honest, I found to be a bit fake and not genuine.

He was hiding meeting up with her before I even mentioned anything about being jealous. On that night I never said a thing to him about being weird about it, I only brought it up a few months later. So he had no reason to meet her behind my back.

Like, I really wouldn't mind if he was talking to her and not hiding it from me. It's just the fact that he is hiding it from me. Of course that's going to make me feel insecure. I have told him numerous times that I don't mind if they are friends, but not to do it behind my back.

You have every right to be suspicious..if there was nothing to it..he would have never lied about it..tables turned how would he feel about you carrying on this way..to ignore it is being naive..but that being said he will still do what he chooses to do..so tread lightly..eyes wide open

I don't think you're over-reacting at all.

I think it's really good you can admit you're jealous, and that you've told him exactly where you stand on the matter.

He shouldn't be hiding his contact with her. There's no way to justify being sneaky about it. If the friendship is innocent, by lying about it he's automatically turning it into something dodgy.

As for his friend's reaction to you, it sounds like she thought she had him to herself, and whether that means as a friend or as something more, it's enough to feel uncomfortable about. The problem isn't him caring about her or going off with her, it's about the fact that he's disrespecting you by acting like you can't be told what's going on, keeping you in the dark, and sneaking around to meet up with her.

LegacyUser

I don't think you're over reacting at all. I think the fact that he has lied to you not once, but several times about this girl is really shady - especially after a significant relationship of a year and a half.

It seems that you've been honest about feeling hurt by him deceiving you the first time - yet he did it again. That really lacks respect in my opinion..

Idle Passerby

I would think they fancy each other. They may never have got together and there may be reasons for that but it seems pretty obvious there's an acknowledged connection there that's more than just a friendship.

Having said that, I think the incident when you first met her needs to be put in the past. She didn't know he was seeing someone and was taken aback. You were only together three weeks so I don't think he "went behind your back" in meeting her or being in touch with her.

Would you consider getting to know her yourself? It might help you get over the suspicion and If they're genuinely just friends I'm sure she'd like to get to know her friends girlfriend better. If she isn't interested, or if he discourages it, Id start hearing alarm bells.

dellas1979

Ermm - really?

I mean, the thing is, if you know someone fancies you (when you are in a relationship), you back away from them-for your own sake, for their sake, and for your partners sake.

Sounds like something did happen between them. To be honest, I wouldnt take her reaction to you personally, i.e., he could have rocked up with anyone and she'd react like that (cant really blame her either when she thought something was going on with him! That didnt just fall into her head from the sky).

I wouldnt be blaming/digging at her. Its your partners responsibility to explain himself. Sounds like he is just fobbing you off yet you know instinctively that all is not what it seems (but want to believe him), so dont doubt yourself.

If something doesnt seem right, it usually isnt.