Partner is a Moody Monster!

OldNotWIse

Really close to walking out at this stage.

We've been together 18 months, living together 2 months. Lately it seems like everything I do is "wrong". It's got to a stage now where I wake up and think, "I wonder what it will be today". I can go out of my way to be perfect and will still manage to say or do something that my partner thinks is reason for storming around, shouting at me, stonewalling or giving the silent treatment.

I think, what am I doing? Why am I staying with her if she wants to make me feel bad about myself 90% of the time? The purported "wrongdoings" are so small I cannot even remember them - they are basically just excuses for her to go off on one. My family dont treat me like that. My friends dont treat me like that (I wouldn't keep them in my life if they did!) - she is my partner and I dont think its right for someone who is supposed to love you to make you feel bad about yourself most of the time, for no reason.

I have tried to talk to her but the conversation is always the same:

Me: Are you ok?
Her: Yeah fine
Me: Ok just checking, you seem p1ssed off with me, haven't spoke to me for 3 hours now
Her: What do you want me to say?


This I think is classic stonewalling behaviour - there is clearly something wrong, she knows I see it, and then when I confront her she denies it and makes me feel like I'm going mad or something.

So I guess I just dont know A) why people start to act like this in a relationship and if there is any point sticking around - leopards and spots and all that

cloud_dancer

Has this just been happening since you moved in together? How old are you both?

OldNotWIse

cloud_dancer wrote: »

Has this just been happening since you moved in together? How old are you both?

hi Cloud Dancer, I think if I am being honest it was always something she did, though obviously the first few months she was on her "best behaviour" as we all are at the start lol. It didn't really ring any alarms for me until recently. I always just thought ah she's a bit moody or she has pmt or whatever - making excuses I guess. Since we've moved in, it's pretty much a daily occurence. I'm 29, she's 32 (both old enough to know better, I know) but I dont want to just walk out without at least trying to sort it out, but she makes any efforts to sort it out impossible. It's like a wall of silence.

Merkin

This is not a normal way for someone to conduct themselves. Does she realise there is a problem here or are you not even allowed to approach it? Is it that she could have a hormonal issue do you think or is she just inherently unpleasant? Has she consulted a GP about this?

Pessimist

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and can be more upsetting than words! It sounds like she has anger issues which she is taking out on you.

You can't be walking around on eggshells in your own home. There's not much you can really do to 'change' the way she treats you - you can't act 'perfectly' and you can't mind read so I bet half the time you don't even know how she wants you to act.

I really think you need to tell her how she is treating you and how much it upsets you. Perhaps some relationship counselling might help but she has to want to change otherwise it will do no good.

Whatever you do, don't blame your own behaviour for this, you really haven't done anything wrong!

OldNotWIse

Merkin wrote: »

This is not a normal way for someone to conduct themselves. Does she realise there is a problem here or are you not even allowed to approach it? Is it that she could have a hormonal issue do you think or is she just inherently unpleasant? Has she consulted a GP about this?

I'm not really sure what goes on in her head I imagine it's a very scary place :rolleyes: As for the hormonal/unpleasant issue - whichever it is (and I suspect the latter, though believe it or not she's worse with PMT), it is only ever directed at me :mad: I confronted her about it (as much as her wall of stone would allow) last week and told her I had noticed that she is always so nice to her friends and family but horrible to me. She flat out denied it and more or less told me she treats me better than them and that I am priveleged

If she is having a go at me for something, or giving me the silent treatment or whatever and her mum or friend happens to call in the middle she will pick up the phone and be so nice to whoever it is, laughing and joking, then back into silent/sour mode for me. I dont want to sound paranoid but it really seems like this treatment is just reserved for me. I wonder is it some form of self-loathing issue - I know she has so many issues with being gay, though I hate using the pink card to explain away what could be an issue experienced by any couples.

daisybelle2008

Have you asked her if she still wants to be in the relationship, maybe moving in together is a bit too much time in each others company. You can feel suffocated and everything the other person does unfairly annoys you. Is it just the two of ye living together?

Ultimately though people treat you the way you let them. Not sure why you accept it from a partner but would not accept it from family or friends, why does she get a dispensation to treat you in a way that upsets you?

I see you have been putting her personality and the way she is treating you down to PMT . After 18 months you surely can evaluate who she is, who cares if it is moodiness or PMT, if someone is treating you badly for 18 months no excuse is acceptable to continue. You are a woman too and surely can't justify writing off the cracks in your relationship this way. She learned how to treat you from you, you have been excusing and overlooking the negative rather than making it unacceptable.

cloud_dancer

She will probably need some form of counselling to even understand that she has a problem. If she's always been like this she may not think there is anything wrong. It'll take time to change - that's if she wants to change. I know you obviously don't just want to walk away but it might be easier to live apart until she works on herself. Sounds like she has issues that go way beyond your relationship. Not being able to talk about things would worry me.

skinny1980

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Really close to walking out at this stage.

We've been together 18 months, living together 2 months. Lately it seems like everything I do is "wrong". It's got to a stage now where I wake up and think, "I wonder what it will be today". I can go out of my way to be perfect and will still manage to say or do something that my partner thinks is reason for storming around, shouting at me, stonewalling or giving the silent treatment.

I think, what am I doing? Why am I staying with her if she wants to make me feel bad about myself 90% of the time? The purported "wrongdoings" are so small I cannot even remember them - they are basically just excuses for her to go off on one. My family dont treat me like that. My friends dont treat me like that (I wouldn't keep them in my life if they did!) - she is my partner and I dont think its right for someone who is supposed to love you to make you feel bad about yourself most of the time, for no reason.

I have tried to talk to her but the conversation is always the same:

Me: Are you ok?
Her: Yeah fine
Me: Ok just checking, you seem p1ssed off with me, haven't spoke to me for 3 hours now
Her: What do you want me to say?


This I think is classic stonewalling behaviour - there is clearly something wrong, she knows I see it, and then when I confront her she denies it and makes me feel like I'm going mad or something.

So I guess I just dont know A) why people start to act like this in a relationship and if there is any point sticking around - leopards and spots and all that

Drop her like a hot brick if she refuses to see sense and refuses to change. You don't need this crap in your life.

OldNotWIse

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Have you asked her if she still wants to be in the relationship, maybe moving in together is a bit too much time in each others company. You can feel suffocated and everything the other person does unfairly annoys you. Is it just the two of ye living together?

Ultimately though people treat you the way you let them. Not sure why you accept it from a partner but would not accept it from family or friends, why does she get a dispensation to treat you in a way that upsets you?

I know! It's crazy, I know it's wrong for me to facilitate it, but I am so insecure in relationships. I have this fear of losing her (dont know why becasue she clearly doesn't make my life better etc) and I put up with a lot from her because I am afraid if I stand up to her I will lose her

Re living together, this may be an issue although now we are spending less time together as I have gone back to college 4 nights and working full time - we spent more time together before. Seemingly absence does not make the heart grow fonder...

skinny1980

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know! It's crazy, I know it's wrong for me to facilitate it, but I am so insecure in relationships. I have this fear of losing her (dont know why becasue she clearly doesn't make my life better etc) and I put up with a lot from her because I am afraid if I stand up to her I will lose her

She's not the only woman in the world. You can lose her and meet someone else who does care about you and is not selfish and abusive.

Taltos

OldNotWIse wrote: »

and I put up with a lot from her because I am afraid if I stand up to her I will lose her

OP - that is what she is counting on...

You know what you have to do here - you mightn't like it - but it is more than OK to call time on a relationship if the other person has effectively done all they can do to wreck it.

At the moment you need to focus on you - how long before you become convinced that it is all your fault? That you cause these rages? That you are so so lucky that she puts up with your sorry ass?

Move out - encourage her to get help - and until she does this I strongly suggest you have little if anything to do with her. No one deserves to be treated like a door mat especially by the person that proclaims to love them.

cloud_dancer

It's tough to walk away from an 18 month relationship and I know you love her but you really have to think about yourself now. The idea of a relationship is that you make each other happy in some way and make a positive difference in someone else's life. It’s supposed to feel good. Are you getting anything positive out of the relationship right now? Or is it causing you more upset than anything else?

Sounds like she's constantly angry at you and for God knows what. Constantly walking on eggshells is not nice for you and it can affect your wellbeing. This kind of thing will wear you down. I’m just out of a relationship a couple of months – my bf was depressed but in denial. Wouldn’t go to see anyone about it and we seemed to fight all the time. I really wanted it to work and was loving and supporting to him in every way I could. Like you I tried to be “perfect”. It wasn’t enough and everything I did or said was taken the wrong way and caused fights. When we did eventually break up I actually felt like a weight had been lifted off. We weren’t living together so didn’t have the same commitment as you have. I know it’s more difficult when you live together.

You are starting a new chapter of your life going back to study. This in itself is a difficult live change. Do you really need the extra stress from your relationship? I would try to sort it out, give her a chance to work on things and if she doesn't then make a call. Don’t stay with her out of fear. You are only 29 and you can meet someone else.

Merkin

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know! It's crazy, I know it's wrong for me to facilitate it, but I am so insecure in relationships. I have this fear of losing her (dont know why becasue she clearly doesn't make my life better etc) and I put up with a lot from her because I am afraid if I stand up to her I will lose her

Re living together, this may be an issue although now we are spending less time together as I have gone back to college 4 nights and working full time - we spent more time together before. Seemingly absence does not make the heart grow fonder...

Aww hon, I am sure you want this relationship to work but as it stands you are actually in an emotionally abusive relationship and in the long-term, and for the sake of future relationships, you don't want this kind of behaviour to become what you consider to be "the norm". Because it's not. It's not normal In any healthy relationship a partner should be able to call their other half up on bad behaviour and be able to talk about stuff. Your girlfriend with her angry rages, her stonewalling and other abhorrent behaviour is not giving you the opportunity to pull her on up her crappy behaviour and that's not healthy. I wouldn't be recommending couple's counselling here, I'd be suggesting she goes and gets herself some anger management therapy as well as a trip to her GP. You do not treat someone you love like that and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

http://angermanagementlocal.org/dublin

Buncha Fives

OP this is so similar to a relationship I found myself in a while back...slightly different in that it only lasted 8 months and we never lived together. It was perfect for 3 months (best behaviour period!!) slowly the wheels started to come off and any excuse was a good one for her to flip and get angry with me...I mean stupid stuff that was never a problem with anyone else and she would never take responsibility for her actions and just like your girlfriend she was like an angel on front of everyone else. In the end she made me feel like crap and I tried to make every excuse in the book for her (including blaming myself) but when I sat back and took a long hard look at her behaviour I came to the conclusion that she self obsessed and just wasn't a nice person:mad:; end of.

I am also quite insecure in relationships and I dreaded the breakup and being single and it hasn't been easy but at the end of the day no one should have to put up with someone behaving like that. Spell is out to her in black and white and if she doesn't like it then walk away but do not take a step backwards because she will take advantage of your insecurity.

HeyThereDeliah

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I know! It's crazy, I know it's wrong for me to facilitate it, but I am so insecure in relationships. I have this fear of losing her (dont know why becasue she clearly doesn't make my life better etc) and I put up with a lot from her because I am afraid if I stand up to her I will lose her

Re living together, this may be an issue although now we are spending less time together as I have gone back to college 4 nights and working full time - we spent more time together before. Seemingly absence does not make the heart grow fonder...

She is using your insecurities to control you, she might have other issues you don't know about.
We all have little arguments its natural but once it starts getting nasty it's time to consider the future with this person.

I'm sure she sees no wrong in what she's doing, talk to her and tell her how you feel, life is too short to wake up anxious everyday.

OldNotWIse

Thanks everyone so much for all your help and advice. It's weird even tough we are all (more or less) anonymous posters, I don't realy feel quite so alone right now. I really dont know what to do (or maybe its that I know what I should do but don't know if I am strong and brave enough to do it)

Not blowing my own trumpet but I really dont think I am that bad. I mean, I am caring about friends, family and have always given myself 110% in relationships (perhaps thats my prob - I am too romatic) so I feel inside that when she has a go at me, it's not really my fault?! or maybe I am narcissistic lol I just think, God if you think I am bad, what would you be like with a stronger personality? But the fact is, she is a bully, and she wouldn't be with a stronger personality because someone who stands up for themself and refuses to take her sh1t is not someone that she would ever be with

HeyThereDeliah

Knowing what to do is half the battle plucking up the courage to pack your things and leave is the next step.
If she promised to change would you consider staying with her ? This is what you need to think about, are you looking for a reason to leave her?

You seem like a considerate person, is hurting her feelings bothering you even If she is a bully?

cloud_dancer

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Not blowing my own trumpet but I really dont think I am that bad. I mean, I am caring about friends, family and have always given myself 110% in relationships (perhaps thats my prob - I am too romatic) so I feel inside that when she has a go at me, it's not really my fault?!

You are not bad, you are a softie and afraid of hurting her and yourself. She's just taking advantage of your good nature and is using it to manipulate you. Of course she wouldn't be with anyone with a strong personality. They wouldn't last 5 mins with her.

OldNotWIse

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

Knowing what to do is half the battle plucking up the courage to pack your things and leave is the next step.
If she promised to change would you consider staying with her ? This is what you need to think about, are you looking for a reason to leave her?

You seem like a considerate person, is hurting her feelings bothering you even If she is a bully?

tbh no. I do think about the other person but when my own happiness is at stake, or when I feel like I am coming out the worst, I wouldnt really let her happiness be a relevant factor (especially if, imo, she has more or less caused the breakup through her behaviour) - I dont think I am responsible for another persons happiness

HeyThereDeliah

OldNotWIse wrote: »

tbh no. I do think about the other person but when my own happiness is at stake, or when I feel like I am coming out the worst, I wouldnt really let her happiness be a relevant factor (especially if, imo, she has more or less caused the breakup through her behaviour) - I dont think I am responsible for another persons happiness

What is stopping you leaving her ?

IHeartShoes

Op, would you give her a chance to put the situation right before walking? She might not be aware of how upset you are by the behaviour if you haven’t told her so, in order to avoid annoying her.
You could just take the bull by the horns (not literallyJ) and say that her constant criticism, is a deal breaker for you and if she is not prepared to work on that with or without your help to resolve it, then you are leaving. If she kicks off, you have your answer and will know you did everything you could and won’t be wondering if you had said something, could it have been different. FWIW

Good luck.

S

OldNotWIse

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

What is stopping you leaving her ?

Been staring at the screen for a while trying to actually answer this...

I dont know...

Not a cop out I swear, I just really dont know...

OldNotWIse

cloud_dancer wrote: »

You are not bad, you are a softie and afraid of hurting her and yourself. She's just taking advantage of your good nature and is using it to manipulate you. Of course she wouldn't be with anyone with a strong personality. They wouldn't last 5 mins with her.

So true. And I am so angry with myself for being weak and that just makes me feel even worse lol

Its like when people say that your own advice is the hardest to take. I know if someone came to me with the same problem and asked my advice, I'd tell then quick enough that they should leave...but I cannot seem to take my own advice..

OldNotWIse

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

Knowing what to do is half the battle plucking up the courage to pack your things and leave is the next step.
If she promised to change would you consider staying with her ? This is what you need to think about, are you looking for a reason to leave her?

You seem like a considerate person, is hurting her feelings bothering you even If she is a bully?

If she promised to change and recognised her own issues I would be over the moon but sadly I think she doesnt even realise whats happening

HeyThereDeliah

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Been staring at the screen for a while trying to actually answer this...

I dont know...

Not a cop out I swear, I just really dont know...

Don't beat yourself over it,we are all great at giving advice but doing what we advice others to do is not as easy.

You have reservations which is natural, no one walks out without having some regret IMO.

Think about it but one question, do you love her ?

OldNotWIse

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

Don't beat yourself over it,we are all great at giving advice but doing what we advice others to do is not as easy.

You have reservations which is natural, no one walks out without having some regret IMO.

Think about it but one question, do you love her ?

Used to

HeyThereDeliah

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Used to

There is your answer, no love makes it easier to leave. You know yourself what you have to do.

Best of luck.

OldNotWIse

<Mod Note: Per our charter do not link to videos. - Taltos>

problem is I keep listening to this Am I just being a hopeless (literally!) romantic???

OldNotWIse

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

There is your answer, no love makes it easier to leave. You know yourself what you have to do.

Best of luck.

thank you so much for your support

a posse ad esse

Hi OP,

I was once a moody partner in the past. I will be honest, I was ashamed of my prior behaviour and my exes should be saints for putting up with it:o

From lots of counselling I learned that my moodiness stemmed from my childhood. I grew up in a household where we were not allowed to express emotions. There was no hormonal teenager syndrome around at the house either. So I didn't act like one until I left home.

I had thought silent treatments gave me back the power and control, something that was taken from my childhood. I thought it was better behaviour than shouting or turning violent. These thoughts were further from the truth. Even though I was able to behave myself at work, school, with my friends, colleagues or clerk at a store. It was my exes that dealt with the brunt of my outlandish moodiness and behaviour.

It was at one point when one of my closest friends spoke to me in confidence (after a break-up) if I continued on like this I was going to be alone for the rest of my life because no one is going to want to be with me.

I suggest speaking to her about this (when she is not in one of her moods) Confront her on her behaviour and ask why she does this with you and why she is able to control and behave around others. I will assure 100% it has nothing to do with you personally. It has to do with the fact that you allow her to treat you this way. If she cannot give you a straight answer or is in denial than I have to tell you not continue in this relationship. Doing so you are putting your emotional well being and self esteem in jeopardy. She has to take intitiative and work on her behaviour, and you have to take initiative to not tolerate and allow to be treated in such a manner.

Chara1001

Hi OP,
I had/ have a similar problem, my partner was emotionally abusive towards me, it started very slowly but after a while i realized i had stopped going out, and was making excuses for his constant criticizing, silence, fighting and exceptional sensitivity. We have lived together also and it was horrible time- i also walked on eggshells, tried to be 'perfect' etc, but every night my heart dropped when the front door opened. I also was afraid of losing him for a long time and i eventually did, but found out i was pregnant. so to some extent we will be in each others lives now for good. We are trying to work things out but the future looks like a depressing one. I love my son to bits but its no good now wishing i had left his father years ago.
Your partner is in my opinion unlikely to change her ways- yes she is probably just this way with you, for what reasons i don't know- maybe she has her own issues she needs to sort out, maybe she's a person who will push and push just to see how far she can go with you, or maybe (i'm sorry OP, i don't mean this in a nasty way) she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Try to listen to your instinct and not worry about things like losing her, it sounds likely to be better for you if you did though. Being single is not something you should feel worried about and its very hard to change a relationship once you settle into certain behaviors with each other.
Whatever you do, don't stick around in an unhappy relationship constantly giving her 'chances' and remember that the longer the relationship goes on, the more involved you'll feel and the more you will feel you have to lose.
With the benefit of hindsight, if i were you, i would get out now but i wish you all the best in whatever your choice is

AhInFairness

OldNotWise, haven't you had 3 or 4 other threads about this relationship?

Why on earth are you still there? Unless you're enjoying the drama I don't see what you could possibly be gaining from this.

lukesmom

Is she ever nice to you? Sounds to me like she is playing mind games with you and is addicted to the drama of it all. Id do as another poster said and drop her. She will not change. You can't change somebody anyway and sounds to me like you could do a whole lot better. The fact that she completely changes her tune if someone calls her phone tells me she enjoys treating you like a piece of ****e. Move out and move on and leave this emotional abuser to play mind games with herself.

Taltos

AhInFairness wrote: »

OldNotWise, haven't you had 3 or 4 other threads about this relationship?

Hi AhInFairness - if you have not recently done so please review our charter. If you have an issue with a thread/post we ask you to use the report function. The manner in which you raised your concern above is considered off topic and can result in mod action.

Thanks
Taltos

FrogMarch

OP - you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Run a mile.

OldNotWIse

a posse ad esse wrote: »

Hi OP,

I was once a moody partner in the past. I will be honest, I was ashamed of my prior behaviour and my exes should be saints for putting up with it:o

From lots of counselling I learned that my moodiness stemmed from my childhood. I grew up in a household where we were not allowed to express emotions. There was no hormonal teenager syndrome around at the house either. So I didn't act like one until I left home.

I had thought silent treatments gave me back the power and control, something that was taken from my childhood. I thought it was better behaviour than shouting or turning violent. These thoughts were further from the truth. Even though I was able to behave myself at work, school, with my friends, colleagues or clerk at a store. It was my exes that dealt with the brunt of my outlandish moodiness and behaviour.

It was at one point when one of my closest friends spoke to me in confidence (after a break-up) if I continued on like this I was going to be alone for the rest of my life because no one is going to want to be with me.

I suggest speaking to her about this (when she is not in one of her moods) Confront her on her behaviour and ask why she does this with you and why she is able to control and behave around others. I will assure 100% it has nothing to do with you personally. It has to do with the fact that you allow her to treat you this way. If she cannot give you a straight answer or is in denial than I have to tell you not continue in this relationship. Doing so you are putting your emotional well being and self esteem in jeopardy. She has to take intitiative and work on her behaviour, and you have to take initiative to not tolerate and allow to be treated in such a manner.

So insightful, thank you

We had another "session" (ie; me "doing somethign wrong" and her going amd at me) at the weekend and she said, "I'm so tired, we're always fighting". I said, "Er, the reason we are always fighting is because you are always criticising me for every small thing I do, its like you want me to be perfect" - she just doesn't get that its mostly her doing, so I dont see how I can contend with that tbh. If someone will not see the truth about themselves, then how are they expected to change.

I am wondering about what you said about a friend intervening. Maybe I should talk to one of her close friends and explain the situation and see if she will listen to her...she definitley wont listen to me.

ibarelycare

OldNotWIse wrote: »

So insightful, thank you

We had another "session" (ie; me "doing somethign wrong" and her going amd at me) at the weekend and she said, "I'm so tired, we're always fighting". I said, "Er, the reason we are always fighting is because you are always criticising me for every small thing I do, its like you want me to be perfect" - she just doesn't get that its mostly her doing, so I dont see how I can contend with that tbh. If someone will not see the truth about themselves, then how are they expected to change.

I am wondering about what you said about a friend intervening. Maybe I should talk to one of her close friends and explain the situation and see if she will listen to her...she definitley wont listen to me.

Because she doesn't respect you. Why do you want to be with her? You've already said you don't love her any more. You've given absolutely no positives about your relationship. Do you not think it's a huge problem if you have to ask one of her friends to have a word with her to get her to treat you better, because she won't listen to you? You, the person she's in a relationship with, the person she's living with, the person who she presumably has considered spending the rest of her life with.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop being so weak. This sounds like a terribly unhappy relationship, and you don't deserve that. There are plenty of women out there who would be delighted to be treated as well as you say you treat your girlfriend. Get away before she destroys your self-esteem altogether.

OldNotWIse

ibarelycare wrote: »

Because she doesn't respect you. Why do you want to be with her? You've already said you don't love her any more. You've given absolutely no positives about your relationship. Do you not think it's a huge problem if you have to ask one of her friends to have a word with her to get her to treat you better, because she won't listen to you? You, the person she's in a relationship with, the person she's living with, the person who she presumably has considered spending the rest of her life with.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to stop being so weak. This sounds like a terribly unhappy relationship, and you don't deserve that. There are plenty of women out there who would be delighted to be treated as well as you say you treat your girlfriend. Get away before she destroys your self-esteem altogether.

Of course I think its a "huge problem" - I'd hardly be posting here if I thought it was normal. But can you at least respect that its not as easy as you say to walk away without at least considering if there are ways she can change etc? I appreciate your advice but remember that advice is very easy to dispense when you are an objective third party - when you are actually in the situation, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees, so to speak

ibarelycare

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Of course I think its a "huge problem" - I'd hardly be posting here if I thought it was normal. But can you at least respect that its not as easy as you say to walk away without at least considering if there are ways she can change etc? I appreciate your advice but remember that advice is very easy to dispense when you are an objective third party - when you are actually in the situation, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees, so to speak

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as harsh. I see all the time people on here just advising people to walk away from their relationships, and a lot of the time I don't agree with it. I wasn't intending to just be dismissive like that.

It would be great if you could try on work on things, of course it would. However, you should absolutely not get her friends involved. It should be because of YOU that she wants to change towards you, not because of a conversation with a third party. Does she know how strongly you feel about this? Have you told her you don't think you love her any more? That you're considering leaving her over how she treats you? They're the things you need to say to her. Fingers crossed that will make her cop on to how horrible she is to you. But if she doesn't care enough about you to change things, or if she just makes an effort for a short time and then reverts to her old ways, then you have to get out of that relationship as fast as you can.

OldNotWIse

ibarelycare wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as harsh. I see all the time people on here just advising people to walk away from their relationships, and a lot of the time I don't agree with it. I wasn't intending to just be dismissive like that.

It would be great if you could try on work on things, of course it would. However, you should absolutely not get her friends involved. It should be because of YOU that she wants to change towards you, not because of a conversation with a third party. Does she know how strongly you feel about this? Have you told her you don't think you love her any more? That you're considering leaving her over how she treats you? They're the things you need to say to her. Fingers crossed that will make her cop on to how horrible she is to you. But if she doesn't care enough about you to change things, or if she just makes an effort for a short time and then reverts to her old ways, then you have to get out of that relationship as fast as you can.

No I think its more likely I was being defensive so apologies You are absolutley right. There's no point trying to reason with her when she's firing on all cylinders. Better to wait until she's calm and bring it up then. I think she's more likely to take it seriously then because it wont be something said in the heat of the moment - it will be planned and thought out and perhaps she will take it more seriously. A very good work friend said I should just leave - that it would give her a kick up the proverbial and make her see sense. Problem with that is if you do somethign, you have to be able to see it through. I would have to be willing to accept if she didn't come rushing after me.

ibarelycare

OldNotWIse wrote: »

No I think its more likely I was being defensive so apologies You are absolutley right. There's no point trying to reason with her when she's firing on all cylinders. Better to wait until she's calm and bring it up then. I think she's more likely to take it seriously then because it wont be something said in the heat of the moment - it will be planned and thought out and perhaps she will take it more seriously. A very good work friend said I should just leave - that it would give her a kick up the proverbial and make her see sense. Problem with that is if you do somethign, you have to be able to see it through. I would have to be willing to accept if she didn't come rushing after me.

You're right to want to give things a chance

I think waiting until she's calm and not in a mood is a really good idea. Another option (if the talking doesn't work, or if you feel too worried about it to go through with it) is to write down exactly what you want to say to her. Give her the note (or send it by email) again when she's in a calm mood, and leave her alone to read it. This way she can't interrupt you or try to cut the conversation.

OldNotWIse

ibarelycare wrote: »

You're right to want to give things a chance

I think waiting until she's calm and not in a mood is a really good idea. Another option (if the talking doesn't work, or if you feel too worried about it to go through with it) is to write down exactly what you want to say to her. Give her the note (or send it by email) again when she's in a calm mood, and leave her alone to read it. This way she can't interrupt you or try to cut the conversation.

Thats actually not a bad idea, will stop me blathering too much or getting teary and hysterical lol

the other thing is she is not Irish so communication can be a little problem (her english is very good but at times things like sarcasm/double entendres or speaking very quickly and using colloquialisms can go over her head)

amcm27

Hi OP,

I just want to start by saying up until this weekend, I have actually been that girl in my own relationship. I did all those same things you have said your girlfriend does. Me and my boyfriend have been together over 2 years and moved in together a few months ago. I did not realise it, but I have been constantly picking on stupid tiny things which in the large scheme of things meant absolutely no difference at all! I was aware that I was doing these things, but because my boyfriend never ever said anything to me about it or told me that it was irritating him, I didn't realise how bad I had become or how bad it was affecting him! It wasn't until I came home from work on Friday and he had his stuff packed and said he couldn't put up with it anymore that I realised just how terribly I had treated him lately. He said all the exact same things you did - that his family and friends don' treat him like that and that he shouldn't have to spend every day wondering what I'm going to complain about next.

After we both cooled off for the weekend, we had a long conversation last night about everything. He had bottled everything up until it had all become too much - and at the same time, I was not aware of how unhappy I had been making him and could not see how ridiculously I had been behaving so I had continued.

What I'm trying to say to you is, maybe your partner doesn't realise just how bad she's treating you and how terribly bad you are feeling. And if you keep letting her get away with it without sitting her down and explaining how terrible she's making you feel, it will probably just continue. After the massive reality check I had this weekend, I for one can now see the damage I have done and I am working on trying to repair it. Maybe if you sit down with her and explain how you're feeling and say you are not willing to put up with it anymore, she will have a reality check too. I do think you need to let her know, as bottling it up and not discussing it properly is not good, for either of you.

OldNotWIse

amcm27 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I just want to start by saying up until this weekend, I have actually been that girl in my own relationship. I did all those same things you have said your girlfriend does. Me and my boyfriend have been together over 2 years and moved in together a few months ago. I did not realise it, but I have been constantly picking on stupid tiny things which in the large scheme of things meant absolutely no difference at all! I was aware that I was doing these things, but because my boyfriend never ever said anything to me about it or told me that it was irritating him, I didn't realise how bad I had become or how bad it was affecting him! It wasn't until I came home from work on Friday and he had his stuff packed and said he couldn't put up with it anymore that I realised just how terribly I had treated him lately. He said all the exact same things you did - that his family and friends don' treat him like that and that he shouldn't have to spend every day wondering what I'm going to complain about next.

After we both cooled off for the weekend, we had a long conversation last night about everything. He had bottled everything up until it had all become too much - and at the same time, I was not aware of how unhappy I had been making him and could not see how ridiculously I had been behaving so I had continued.

What I'm trying to say to you is, maybe your partner doesn't realise just how bad she's treating you and how terribly bad you are feeling. And if you keep letting her get away with it without sitting her down and explaining how terrible she's making you feel, it will probably just continue. After the massive reality check I had this weekend, I for one can now see the damage I have done and I am working on trying to repair it. Maybe if you sit down with her and explain how you're feeling and say you are not willing to put up with it anymore, she will have a reality check too. I do think you need to let her know, as bottling it up and not discussing it properly is not good, for either of you.

Hope it worked out for you guys. It's interesting to hear from the "other side" (if you'll excuse the bad terminology). I suppose I just expect her to see how much she hurts me as I am quite sensitive and tend to get really upset and cry etc when she goes mad. When its all over and she goes back to being normal, I'm just so relieved that I dont say anything, but as another poster pointed out, thats probably when I should. I just end up so exhausted by the whole thing that when "peace" is restored, I dont want to do anything to rock the boat.

amcm27

We have decided to try it for another while and see if that changes things. It will take a while, but I am certainly going to try repair some of the damage I have done - now that I have been made aware of it. I knew I was irritating him with some of the nagging but I had no idea how badly it was affecting him. I know you say that she should be able to tell from the way you get upset, but I really don't think that is enough - the best way is to confront her and make sure she knows just how upset she is making you.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend will change once you have had the conversation with her, but at least then you will know that she is either willing to seriously work on changing or not, and it may make your ultimate decision a bit easier. I know you don't want to rock the boat once peace is there, but in my opinion, you either rock the boat now and both make a decision on changing this behaviour, or else you are going to keep living the way you are now. And believe me, I have never been so glad that my boyfriend rocked the boat with this - it was seriously the wake up call that I needed and I have thanked him for it. It might be the same for her. I hope whatever decision you make, that you will be happy - because at the end of the day, that is the most important thing.

a posse ad esse

OldNotWIse wrote: »

So insightful, thank you

We had another "session" (ie; me "doing somethign wrong" and her going amd at me) at the weekend and she said, "I'm so tired, we're always fighting". I said, "Er, the reason we are always fighting is because you are always criticising me for every small thing I do, its like you want me to be perfect" - she just doesn't get that its mostly her doing, so I dont see how I can contend with that tbh. If someone will not see the truth about themselves, then how are they expected to change.

I am wondering about what you said about a friend intervening. Maybe I should talk to one of her close friends and explain the situation and see if she will listen to her...she definitley wont listen to me.

My friend told me the honest truth. She saw how I behaved with my exes and told me after my last break-up, if I continued on like this I would be alone indefinitely. It was constructive criticism that helped me to take the initiative and do something about it. I stopped dating for a while and went to therapy to work on myself.

Your partner is in denial. She claims that she no longer wants to fight but cannot even admit that she instigates. Sounds to me, she is blaming you entirely for it. She doesn't see or admit that her behaviour is the problem and unfortunately this means she is unlikely to change. If I were in your shoes, I would call it a day. You have not said one good quality about this person and to why you want to stay in this relationship. If its true that the other posters mentioned that you have written other threads about this relationship, then you may have to admit to yourself this arrangement is no longer working. She has not changed. And now, you need to stop focusing on your partner and look at YOU. Why do you want to remain in a relationship where you are being abused? Why are you staying when you have admitted you no longer love her? I really do think you need to work on your self esteem because it has been affected. As for your partner, let her figure it out on her own. Maybe her next relationship her partner will tell her where to go and then maybe just maybe she will realise the common denominator to all her relationship problems is her.