How do I break out of this rut?

LegacyUser

This is my story...

I'm 20 years old and feeling very sad. I left school 3 years ago before finishing my Leaving Cert because I had no friends and it felt so depressing sitting by myself every day that I just jacked it in. I barely attended 5th year anyway because of this so I would have failed my Leaving anyway.

Why did I have no friends? I blame a few factors for this:

1) my primary school was small and (there was just one other guy in my class)
2) my childhood was very sheltered and we lived in a very rural area, my family never mixed with other families
3) I never realised until it was too late that I had to be the one to initiate and approach people, especially as a male
4) I wasn't sure how to maintain conversations
5) The guy from my class ditched me as a friend when he realised I was a loser in secondary school and it wasn't cool to be around me - can't say I blame him, looking back...

Loneliness never really hit me until the school term started last year and then I realised how little I have achieved with my life, particularly socially. It was around October that the penny started to drop so it was a very difficult and painful wait - I used to cry myself to sleep often.

Luckily, I got into a PLC course at a secondary school (different one of course) a few weeks ago and I was delighted because it gave me the opportunity to meet new people along with the knowledge in it that doing well would help me progress to college where I can better myself and there are lots of social groups too!

But the depressing thing about the PLC course (there's about 10 in the class) is there's several middle aged or older people (lovely to talk to esp because they approach you but not the type that will be having nights out with you) and a few girls + a lad straight out of Leaving Cert but never try to strike up a conversation. I now know I have to approach to get anywhere in this situation, but I can't help questioning what's wrong with me that makes them not approach, especially because I'm easier to approach because I'm on my own - I've tried smiling more, walking more confidently (no eyes stuck on the ground) etc, yet they still aren't arsed about walking up and having a simple conversation with me. They're supposed to be the socially savvy ones ffs.

What's worse is there's a girl (attractive one, at that) that clearly likes me - I sit not far her in class and always catch her adjusting her hair and glancing at me with my peripheral vision. I'm at a cross between laughing and facepalming when I think about it. I'm reasonably attractive looking and I guess I give off a mysterious vibe, particularly because she seems to know everyone else there! If only she knew how much of a loser I was. I have nothing to offer her, she would ditch me so fast if we got together and found out I have no friends. I don't even have a Facebook so she can't 'trace me'. She doesn't know a single thing about me. But I have a bogus Facebook account that I use to look up old classmates' lives (curiosity gets the better of me!) and I know quite a few things about her now. I notice she knows several of my old classmates and if I told her stuff about me, she would start chatting to them about me and the thought of going out with 'the weird, shy guy' would repulse her. Obviously I don't want to go through my life girlfriendless, however I would much prefer to build up a social circle of friends and connections first.....although it's looking very hard to see how it's going to happen for at least a year assuming I get into college.

I would have joined a sports club ages ago because I love watching soccer and GAA, but I have a medical problem that prevents me from doing so. Intensive outdoor exercise or cold weather gives me severe rhinitis. Basically it makes my nose swell up horribly which in turn makes me ugly and like I said before, at least I always have pride in my looks. An evening's football would take weeks worth of decongestants and steroids to get my nose back to a normal size.

Anyone have any advice or thoughts on what I could do about my life?

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you thought about counselling? I don't know if it very healthy to have a fake facebook to check up on other peoples lives.

I'm sure the girl would be more put off by that than by you not having any friends.

Maybe a professional could help you to develop a strategy to make you more comfortable with approaching people.

skinny1980

what_can_i_do? wrote: »

This is my story...

I'm 20 years old and feeling very sad. I left school 3 years ago before finishing my Leaving Cert because I had no friends and it felt so depressing sitting by myself every day that I just jacked it in. I barely attended 5th year anyway because of this so I would have failed my Leaving anyway.

Why did I have no friends? I blame a few factors for this:

1) my primary school was small and (there was just one other guy in my class)
2) my childhood was very sheltered and we lived in a very rural area, my family never mixed with other families
3) I never realised until it was too late that I had to be the one to initiate and approach people, especially as a male
4) I wasn't sure how to maintain conversations
5) The guy from my class ditched me as a friend when he realised I was a loser in secondary school and it wasn't cool to be around me - can't say I blame him, looking back...

Loneliness never really hit me until the school term started last year and then I realised how little I have achieved with my life, particularly socially. It was around October that the penny started to drop so it was a very difficult and painful wait - I used to cry myself to sleep often.

Luckily, I got into a PLC course at a secondary school (different one of course) a few weeks ago and I was delighted because it gave me the opportunity to meet new people along with the knowledge in it that doing well would help me progress to college where I can better myself and there are lots of social groups too!

But the depressing thing about the PLC course (there's about 10 in the class) is there's several middle aged or older people (lovely to talk to esp because they approach you but not the type that will be having nights out with you) and a few girls + a lad straight out of Leaving Cert but never try to strike up a conversation. I now know I have to approach to get anywhere in this situation, but I can't help questioning what's wrong with me that makes them not approach, especially because I'm easier to approach because I'm on my own - I've tried smiling more, walking more confidently (no eyes stuck on the ground) etc, yet they still aren't arsed about walking up and having a simple conversation with me. They're supposed to be the socially savvy ones ffs.

What's worse is there's a girl (attractive one, at that) that clearly likes me - I sit not far her in class and always catch her adjusting her hair and glancing at me with my peripheral vision. I'm at a cross between laughing and facepalming when I think about it. I'm reasonably attractive looking and I guess I give off a mysterious vibe, particularly because she seems to know everyone else there! If only she knew how much of a loser I was. I have nothing to offer her, she would ditch me so fast if we got together and found out I have no friends. I don't even have a Facebook so she can't 'trace me'. She doesn't know a single thing about me. But I have a bogus Facebook account that I use to look up old classmates' lives (curiosity gets the better of me!) and I know quite a few things about her now. I notice she knows several of my old classmates and if I told her stuff about me, she would start chatting to them about me and the thought of going out with 'the weird, shy guy' would repulse her. Obviously I don't want to go through my life girlfriendless, however I would much prefer to build up a social circle of friends and connections first.....although it's looking very hard to see how it's going to happen for at least a year assuming I get into college.

I would have joined a sports club ages ago because I love watching soccer and GAA, but I have a medical problem that prevents me from doing so. Intensive outdoor exercise or cold weather gives me severe rhinitis. Basically it makes my nose swell up horribly which in turn makes me ugly and like I said before, at least I always have pride in my looks. An evening's football would take weeks worth of decongestants and steroids to get my nose back to a normal size.

Anyone have any advice or thoughts on what I could do about my life?

Just be yourself.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Have you thought about counselling? I don't know if it very healthy to have a fake facebook to check up on other peoples lives.

I'm sure the girl would be more put off by that than by you not having any friends.

Maybe a professional could help you to develop a strategy to make you more comfortable with approaching people.

The profiles I check would be public, wouldn't be adding them etc, ha.

LegacyUser

skinny1980 wrote: »

Just be yourself.

Not sure if that's an attempt to wind me up lol. Hate cliches like that...

skinny1980

what_can_i_do wrote: »

Not sure if that's an attempt to wind me up lol. Hate cliches like that...

You'll just have to be yourself, relax and just talk to people.
Staying by yourself and avoiding people is just going to make things worse.
The only one who is going solve this problem is you.
Talk to a therapist or somebody like that but you on your own are ultimately going to have to break out of the bubble you are living in and become sociable.

LegacyUser

skinny1980 wrote: »

You'll just have to be yourself, relax and just talk to people.
Staying by yourself and avoiding people is just going to make things worse.
The only one who is going solve this problem is you.
Talk to a therapist or somebody like that but you are ultimately going to get have to break out of the bubble you are living in and become sociable.

Therapists cost lots of money, which I don't have unless I can see one for free with my medical card.

I want to break out of this bubble, but I don't know how. I can hardly go out to bars and the likes by myself to socialise, it would be very weird. Nobody does that.

LegacyUser

By the way I appreciate you took the time out to reply skinny, I just didn't find it very helpful.

RossFixxxed

In away the above 'be yourself' is actually true. HOWEVER, there is a big step before that of going to address the issues, finding your own voice and what you want to do. Then you can relax into your own skin a bit and start 'being yourself'. Nothing worth doing is easy, and this won't necessarily be a great process to begin with, but it WILL IMPORVE over time.

Look, you know something is wrong. That's a good thing, believe it or not. Now you need to do something about it. I would suggest following up with a GP / councellor / psychologist. They can make a huge difference. I've never been shy, never been anyone other than myself, but it takes time and good judgement and a lot of practice to skillfully meet a group of people and integrate yourself. You can, and will do it. Give yourself a break, be your own best mate and start looking after yourself.

Pep talks, clichés etc are VERY frustrating to deal with, but they often come from people who have been there and braved the storms. Many of us come out stronger and better people. It all begins with you, and there are an absolute ton of brilliant people on PI who will definitely be here to help you. Sometimes it's the right person at the right time puts things in a way that will break through to you. We have to keep trying for your sake.

Good luck OP, we're here if needed every step of the way. But once you get going, you won't need it.

castaway_lady

Play an indoor sport, 5a side soccer is popular in the winter.

As someones who's guilty of hyperanalysis and overthinking I have to say that you leave me for dust in this situation. You create a shocking load of roadblocks and negativity. Talk to the girl in the class, you dont have to date her, nor are you giving her any credit for being able to make up her own mind about you. Your former classmates will also have grown up and are seriously unlikely to care what you are or arent up to. People grow up a lot in those few years.

Dont write off the mature students, you should at least converse with them and be open to them by way of working on your communication skills.

But do overall realise that you seem to have a high level of paranoia, that needs attention, more attention than what you're giving to predicting other peoples thought patterns.

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

In away the above 'be yourself' is actually true. HOWEVER, there is a big step before that of going to address the issues, finding your own voice and what you want to do. Then you can relax into your own skin a bit and start 'being yourself'. Nothing worth doing is easy, and this won't necessarily be a great process to begin with, but it WILL IMPORVE over time.

Look, you know something is wrong. That's a good thing, believe it or not. Now you need to do something about it. I would suggest following up with a GP / councellor / psychologist. They can make a huge difference. I've never been shy, never been anyone other than myself, but it takes time and good judgement and a lot of practice to skillfully meet a group of people and integrate yourself. You can, and will do it. Give yourself a break, be your own best mate and start looking after yourself.

Pep talks, clichés etc are VERY frustrating to deal with, but they often come from people who have been there and braved the storms. Many of us come out stronger and better people. It all begins with you, and there are an absolute ton of brilliant people on PI who will definitely be here to help you. Sometimes it's the right person at the right time puts things in a way that will break through to you. We have to keep trying for your sake.

Good luck OP, we're here if needed every step of the way. But once you get going, you won't need it.

Thank you very much.

I'm feeling really depressed tonight, for a bizarre reason I suppose. I was reading the Twitter page of a girl I used to go to school with (now at college) and on about how she's having great fun going out drinking every night and I've never experienced that even once. I've never even drank alcohol.

How much do these therapists people talk about on this thread cost? I have a medical card btw. I don't know where to even start in terms of making friends... most people my age are at college.

BigGayKirk

castaway_lady wrote: »

Play an indoor sport, 5a side soccer is popular in the winter.

As someones who's guilty of hyperanalysis and overthinking I have to say that you leave me for dust in this situation. You create a shocking load of roadblocks and negativity. Talk to the girl in the class, you dont have to date her, nor are you giving her any credit for being able to make up her own mind about you. Your former classmates will also have grown up and are seriously unlikely to care what you are or arent up to. People grow up a lot in those few years.

Dont write off the mature students, you should at least converse with them and be open to them by way of working on your communication skills.

But do overall realise that you seem to have a high level of paranoia, that needs attention, more attention than what you're giving to predicting other peoples thought patterns.

God I used to do that highlighted bit when I was younger, because I had acne and braces with some gaps in my teeth I presumed no girl would fancy me and even if it was obvious she did I'd still convince myself that she didnt. I also spurned social events and trips because I was thinking that other people would look at me and think I looked an idiot.

I found this was a very destructive habit!!! so if you get one thing from this post/thread it would be to listen to castaway_ladys advice and pay attention to whats going on in your head NOT other peoples.

If you sort your own head out things will come right I know from experience. What I mean when I say sort your own head out is accept/love yourself for who you are and recognise that you are just as important as anyone else.

AND your only 20 you have loads of time left to enjoy yourself so really focus on that positive aspect of your situation.

Luca Brasi

what_can_i_do? wrote: »

This is my story...

I'm 20 years old and feeling very sad. I left school 3 years ago before finishing my Leaving Cert because I had no friends and it felt so depressing sitting by myself every day that I just jacked it in. I barely attended 5th year anyway because of this so I would have failed my Leaving anyway.

Why did I have no friends? I blame a few factors for this:

1) my primary school was small and (there was just one other guy in my class)
2) my childhood was very sheltered and we lived in a very rural area, my family never mixed with other families
3) I never realised until it was too late that I had to be the one to initiate and approach people, especially as a male
4) I wasn't sure how to maintain conversations
5) The guy from my class ditched me as a friend when he realised I was a loser in secondary school and it wasn't cool to be around me - can't say I blame him, looking back...

Loneliness never really hit me until the school term started last year and then I realised how little I have achieved with my life, particularly socially. It was around October that the penny started to drop so it was a very difficult and painful wait - I used to cry myself to sleep often.

Luckily, I got into a PLC course at a secondary school (different one of course) a few weeks ago and I was delighted because it gave me the opportunity to meet new people along with the knowledge in it that doing well would help me progress to college where I can better myself and there are lots of social groups too!

But the depressing thing about the PLC course (there's about 10 in the class) is there's several middle aged or older people (lovely to talk to esp because they approach you but not the type that will be having nights out with you) and a few girls + a lad straight out of Leaving Cert but never try to strike up a conversation. I now know I have to approach to get anywhere in this situation, but I can't help questioning what's wrong with me that makes them not approach, especially because I'm easier to approach because I'm on my own - I've tried smiling more, walking more confidently (no eyes stuck on the ground) etc, yet they still aren't arsed about walking up and having a simple conversation with me. They're supposed to be the socially savvy ones ffs.

What's worse is there's a girl (attractive one, at that) that clearly likes me - I sit not far her in class and always catch her adjusting her hair and glancing at me with my peripheral vision. I'm at a cross between laughing and facepalming when I think about it. I'm reasonably attractive looking and I guess I give off a mysterious vibe, particularly because she seems to know everyone else there! If only she knew how much of a loser I was. I have nothing to offer her, she would ditch me so fast if we got together and found out I have no friends. I don't even have a Facebook so she can't 'trace me'. She doesn't know a single thing about me. But I have a bogus Facebook account that I use to look up old classmates' lives (curiosity gets the better of me!) and I know quite a few things about her now. I notice she knows several of my old classmates and if I told her stuff about me, she would start chatting to them about me and the thought of going out with 'the weird, shy guy' would repulse her. Obviously I don't want to go through my life girlfriendless, however I would much prefer to build up a social circle of friends and connections first.....although it's looking very hard to see how it's going to happen for at least a year assuming I get into college.

I would have joined a sports club ages ago because I love watching soccer and GAA, but I have a medical problem that prevents me from doing so. Intensive outdoor exercise or cold weather gives me severe rhinitis. Basically it makes my nose swell up horribly which in turn makes me ugly and like I said before, at least I always have pride in my looks. An evening's football would take weeks worth of decongestants and steroids to get my nose back to a normal size.

Anyone have any advice or thoughts on what I could do about my life?

Firstly the people who attended primary school and secondary school are probably too busy dealing with their own issues to be bothered speaking about you. Most people will cross to the other side of the street to avoid people they went to school with. If you realised how little time others acutally spend talking about you you wouldn't be too woried.

Why are you waiting for others to start a conversation with you ? Many adults who are returning to education are in the position that they think people your age know it all and that they are lacking in education. I was in that position and I was delighted when I got in to conversation with younger people. They loved the fact that I was able to tell them stories of workplace incidents and how we dealt with them and alternatively they were able to give me pointers about the trianing courses, dealing with exams, projects etc. The next time you see any of the adults sitting down ask is it ok to join them. Then lead the conversation by asking about their work experience, what they hope to get from the course etc. You will find that when others see ye chatting they will join in as well.
I would say that the biggest problem young people have nowadays is an inability to converse. They are all plugged in to earphones on the buses etc I am not saying it is easy. But listen to the others in class and find about their background ( you could aalso rehearse a few opening lines and you will find the responses coming quickly)
Best of luck

God of Justice

The only advice I have for ya is that you shouldn't think you're a loser for having had no friends for 20 years. That must have been really ****ing hard and the fact that you're still here to talk about it means that you're an awesome ****ing badass who can survive anything. I mean think of all the people who like commit suicide over losing an ipod, or who need to get someone's help whenever the smallest thing goes wrong, and then think of yourself - You've gotten through all that **** by yourself because that's how strong you are. And I should know, having not had friends for my first 16 years, that **** sucks. Oh and don't feel like you've missed anything important either, because teenage socialising is actually really overrated (people who tell you it's the best years of your life are wrong; life gets better every single year, as long as you believe it does).

So as long as you accept the fact that you're awesome, it's gonna be much much easier to convince other people that you're awesome, which in turn makes it much easier to make friends. Still not convinced that you're awesome? Tell yourself that you're awesome every day - doesn't matter if you believe it or not at first, because after a while you'll literally trick yourself into believing it (which is fine because it's true anyway :P).

Go forth!

bogman007

Hey i went through a lot of the same things that you are going through yourself and this is my advice:

Make passing that PLC course your main priority for the year. If you focus really hard on passing it you will find that the weeks will fly by and you will have got your Level 5 cert in no time at all. Once you do that you can apply to the college of your choice and you can than start to build up a social life for yourself and hobbies along with it.

Lots of people come to college who had bad experiences in secondary school and you can see them change completely from the moment they walked through the door to 3-6 months time (its quite unbelievable realy!!:-) As long as you have a positive attitude and you do not let your past affect the present you will be amazed by how much progress you will make.

So make this your priority and you will reap the rewards of it i am sure!:)

In the meantime you should try to develop you inter-communicational skills because i feel you are weak on that side of things and you need practise. Start up a conversation with that girl by way of asking "How are you finding the coarse so far?", "What are you planning on doing after you get the certificate?" ect ect ect.

P.S Loads of young people that age group are all shy and feeling awkward to start up conversations with people they dont know so no it doesnt have nothing to do with you. Once you start making small simple conversations with them every day you will find they will become more relaxed and comfortable around you-:)

Let me know how you get on with the bird;-P