I've been the other woman

LegacyUser

I am so stupid, angry and so hurt to believe lies upon lies from that rotten yoke of a man. I dont know where to begin.

I've been the other woman for two years. In this time he treated me badly. He wouldn't go anywhere with me. Not even one date. Thats what I wanted. While he used me over and over. He couldn't even show he cared or wanted me any other way. He forgot my birthday. And when I said to him, I still got nothing. Not even box of sweets or a picked daisy. He couldnt even wish me a belated birthday wish. What he said, it wasnt worth saying cause it was over. Like I was a piece of crap.

There was more crap and hurt from him. Not just my birthday or not going out with me. But these two was the most hurtful.

He always had to be home to her. So he couldn't. I even suggested a day date. We drive somewhere else and he can be home in time. Why did I lower myself? Because it was over between them. Appartently.

I have had enough of his lies. He said he was leaving. But it hasn't happened. I was getting nothing but excuses.
Here's what happened
- He said he was leaving last year
- Last xmas, he thought about getting a loan from the bank to get his own place
- March, the banks wasn't helping
- May, he was viewing a place
- June-Sept, I dont know what he was at.

I figure it takes time. I questionned him and he said he wont be out before xmas. So since last year, he made very little effort on his plan. I presume I got lies. On top of this it will be sometime in 2013. Or possibly a repeat of this year (Hell no, but if I stayed with him, it will).
But why continue to hurt me and stay living with her. He doesnt see it my way. He should have left her two years ago. When I said it to him, he could rent. I got more excuses.

Appartently all rental places are dumps and he doesnt want to rent a dump. But he wants to buy a cheap place and do it up. Is he not buying a dump if he plans on doing it up?

So far he has never told me the real reason to why it takes time. Seriously, how does it take over a year to move? He has loads of stuff to move. He wouldnt be worrying about that now if he moved out when he should have.

I feel so hurt and used. And dont know how to get over that. Am i right to be feeling the way i do. Did he ever mean anything? Does it really take over a year to move? If things were so bad, why not move out asap? Why did i get the lies? Why did he do it?

Pessimist

I'm sorry but you know yourself why he's taking so long to move - it's because he doesn't intend to! And even if he does leave his wife & do up a place, are you sure you would be welcome?

He has been having his cake and eating it too for so long. He forgets your birthday, treats you badly and yet you're still with him. Why?

You deserve so much more and just need to cut all ties with him. You're investing too much of yourself into this 'relationship' and not getting anything out of it.

Leave him and don't look back.

Esoteric_

It takes over a year to move because he has no intention of leaving. He's not leaving his wife, and do you REALLY believe he's been living with her the whole time he's been seeing you and not having sex with her?

He treats you badly, you are BOTH treating his wife terribly, and you have no real hope of him wanting to be with you. Why would he want to be with you, when by the sounds of it, you're just a handy bit of sex on the side? I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how it is.

Leave him before he hurts you even more, and before his and your actions hurt his wife.

Pippy1976

You're the other woman - he doesn't owe you anything. He's not going to leave his wife. Time for you to move on.

lukesmom

Why don't you look for a man who is not married? I'm sorry you are upset but you have fallen for this mans lies while letting him have his cake and eat it. He is laughing. Married men who cheat rarely leave their wives. Why? Because they love them but think with their dicks. He had the best of both worlds while stringing you along. Does he have kids?

HeyThereDeliah

OP its not easy being the other woman but its a decision you made without considering the "other important woman" his wife, if you are having an affair you have to accept she will always take preference over you.

If he wanted to leave he would have packed his bags long ago.
He did it and you got lies because you choose to fall for a man who was not available, harsh reality you have wasted two years on this man, forget him.

Stavro Mueller

I agree with the others. He has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife and you're deluding yourself if you think otherwise. How about bringing this to a head and telling him that until he physically leaves the house and his wife, that there shall be no more contact between ye and certainly no rumpy pumpy. I think you know how it's going to go, don't you?

Sorcha16

Why do you feel hurt and used? This is a man who is cheating on his wife and betraying his family, he's clearly not a nice person. Have some respect for yourself and have nothing more to do with him

CarMe

You've allowed yourself to be treated like this so why do you expect him to respect you more than you respect yourself. You're worth far more than this! Do you really believe he's going home and not kissing his wife, telling her he loves her, sleeping with her etc. You can be damn sure he didn't forget her birthday, anniversary. He's a trained liar at this stage, he's been lying to his wife for the duration of this "affair" so of course he's capable of lying to you about his relationship with her, men are famous for saying their ex or their wife/partner are crazy, depressed, mental etc i work with so many cheating married men it's sickening. I really hope there's no kids involved in this mess.
I would advice you to get away from him and never have contact with him again and build up your self worth and move on with your life.

daisybelle2008

OP your post makes for some strange reading. You seem to have a misplaced sense of entitlement that your investment in this relationship should have turned into some fairy tale.

I am not sure how divorced from reality you are, but to have had an affair for two years your hostility about this guy at this stage and your bitterness about lack of gifts and him not setting up home are misplaced.

I would say you would do well to invest in some professional counselling. I am not sure if it is stubbornness, a lack of self awareness or what, but your perspective on the situation is weird. It is hard to believe that for two full years you participated in this.

His wife is stuck with him now. Now I know she is his responsibility and you shouldn't feel guilty, but you don't even seem to cast a thought for her. Really you have been spared. Find some one free to engage with you at no one else's expense instead of getting frustrated and clock watching for someone else's husband to run off into the sunset with you :rolleyes:

Sappa

Op it's not supposed to be easy being a home wrecker,you must have know he would lie as he spins lies to his wife daily covering up your affair.
The guy is without a doubt a low life and your prob best well away from him,plenty of unattached fellas put there next time that will save you from the inevitable mess.

blue skye

My sister found out in Aug of this year that her husband has been having an affair since last Jan. The 'other woman' got spun the same stories and he has now decided to stay with his wife and try and work things out. I am still in shock that my sister is giving HIM another go to be honest! You can't have honestly thought he would really go through with this 'plan'??? My brother in law's other woman was texting at the beggining with the same stories but that's men for ya! They will say what they think you wanna hear!!!! Wise up and get out while you can still hold your head high - he will have to live with the guilt of what he has done to you AND his long suffering wife!

LegacyUser

hurtfool wrote: »

Why did i get the lies? Why did he do it?

Because you let him. It's as simple as that. Get out while you still have a shred of self-respect left.

Stavro Mueller

I just read back over your post again and it struck me that even saying you're his other woman is elevating your position in his life. I'm no expert on affairs with married men but from what I've read, some of them do make some sort of effort to charm their mistresses. More than what this guy is doing. It looks like he doesn't need to even try because he's got you wrapped around his finger. My take on this situation is that he sees you as little more than a piece of meat and he's just telling you all these lies so that you shall continue to be sex on tap. He's feeding you a stream of lies and you're falling for it.

I think Daisybelle2008 has hit the nail on the head when she says you've got an odd sense of entitlement. In this man's mainstream life, he's married to his wife. Everyone knows them as Mary and John or whatever their names are. His family, his friends, his colleagues, his acquaintances, people in his town. It's going to take a hell of a wrench to tear him away from that. Sorry to say, you are not going to be it. If he genuinely loved you, he'd have left his wife long ago and brought your relationship out into the open. I'm long enough in this world to know that some people can talk a phenomenal amount of rubbish. It's what people actually do that I pay far more attention to. I suggest you do likewise.

LegacyUser

This man is using you plan and simple. He is sleeping with his wife and sleeping with you.
He won't go out with you in public and has promised you he will leave her as this is what you want to hear.
I would tell him that it is over between you as you are no longer willing to listen to his lies.
I am sure your friends have told you to end it with him if they know you are involved with him.

I would tell a good friend that you are ending it with him and ask them to go out with you after this. You have given this man 2 years of your life which you can't get back but at this stage it is time to move on with your life.
You need to meet up with friends and get involved with new groups to widen your circle of friends.
In the future I would not get involved with a married man as it never ends well.

dixiefly

With regards to why he did it which was your original question it is likely that he had cheated on and off before he met you and it was easy to continue the lies with you. He was selfish and self serving, he may have some feelings for you or as Fleetwood Mac sang "Players only love you when they're playing".

As advised above you should do what you should have done when you found out he was attached: tell him that you are not interested in someone that is attached. If his relationship breaks up for other reasons then so be it and it can be reassessed then.

crazygeryy

ring the wife tell her all about it and then dump him.it might not make you feel a whole lot better but it will give him the slap on the wrist he so deserves.

Taltos

Can I remind all to post in a civil and constructive manner.
Use of bad language is not tolerated here - we consider it abusive and really if you can't post in a more civil manner we prefer you not to post.

Thanks
Taltos

ABajaninCork

OP. Do you really want to be with this creature? Think about it. If he leaves his wife and comes to you, would you be able to trust him? Do you want to spend your life looking over your shoulder, checking his cc bills, pockets and car? To have people judge and look down on you because of what you did?

To quote James Goldsmith: 'When a man gets with his mistress, a vacancy is created!' And another one for you: The same way you find a man, will be the same way you lose him.

Get rid, and get you some self-esteem!

Eh, drop the sense of entitlement, OP. You're not entitled to a thing from this man. He's someone else's husband. He forgets your birthday and strings you along because he doesn't care about you. You're just someone to go to when he's bored with having sex with his wife. If you want to be treated like a girlfriend, go and find someone who isn't already attached!

tinkerbell

Oh OP. You were foolish to believe that this would go anywhere. It's your own fault for getting involved with a married man, not only that but you kept this going on for 2 years when he didn't even express any interest in you - this was staring you in the face for 2 years and you ignored it. You have nobody else to blame here. Why did you stick around with someone who basically treated you as a booty call? Because from reading your OP, he just wanted you for sex.

Of course he was always going home to his wife, yet you said he was going to leave her - well in that case if that was true, he would have spent time with you but he obviously wouldn't, yet you just dug your head in the sand and ignored the signs.

To answer your question, it does not take a year to move. This man has NO INTENTION of ever leaving his wife. If he was gonna leave his wife, he would have done it already. Clearly his marriage is in a bad way, but he doesn't want to leave her for you. That's what it boils down to, he has no interest in pursuing this with you, you are just sex to him.

I'm sorry if this is not nice for you to hear but you need to stop pretending that this is going anywhere. Stop sleeping with married men. There are millions of single men out there.

ahnow

Girl, what are you doing with this man?!! Why do you want to be with him? He's cheating on his wife, firstly. If he was to end up with you, what makes you think he wont do the same to you???????
He doesn't bother to take you on dates. He treats you really badly. No birthday wish or gift, or anything else. He has been stringing you along for over a year.
What are you getting out of this? Hurt and a feeling of rejection. Which, you have allowed. You have allowed this! You've allowed him to treat you like this. My advice? Stop going out with married men. Go to counselling and try and figure out why in gods name you would allow someone to treat you like this, and get some self respect.
Some respect for other women mightn't go astray here. You are the other woman, not many people will feel very sorry for you.

nowyouresix

Just walk away.
Don't exact revenge, ring the wife etc....
Just walk away.
And know better the next time.
And...knees together.

ariescutie30

hurtfool wrote: »

I am so stupid, angry and so hurt to believe lies upon lies from that rotten yoke of a man. I dont know where to begin.

I've been the other woman for two years. In this time he treated me badly. He wouldn't go anywhere with me. Not even one date. Thats what I wanted. While he used me over and over. He couldn't even show he cared or wanted me any other way. He forgot my birthday. And when I said to him, I still got nothing. Not even box of sweets or a picked daisy. He couldnt even wish me a belated birthday wish. What he said, it wasnt worth saying cause it was over. Like I was a piece of crap.

There was more crap and hurt from him. Not just my birthday or not going out with me. But these two was the most hurtful.

He always had to be home to her. So he couldn't. I even suggested a day date. We drive somewhere else and he can be home in time. Why did I lower myself? Because it was over between them. Appartently.

I have had enough of his lies. He said he was leaving. But it hasn't happened. I was getting nothing but excuses.
Here's what happened
- He said he was leaving last year
- Last xmas, he thought about getting a loan from the bank to get his own place
- March, the banks wasn't helping
- May, he was viewing a place
- June-Sept, I dont know what he was at.

I figure it takes time. I questionned him and he said he wont be out before xmas. So since last year, he made very little effort on his plan. I presume I got lies. On top of this it will be sometime in 2013. Or possibly a repeat of this year (Hell no, but if I stayed with him, it will).
But why continue to hurt me and stay living with her. He doesnt see it my way. He should have left her two years ago. When I said it to him, he could rent. I got more excuses.

Appartently all rental places are dumps and he doesnt want to rent a dump. But he wants to buy a cheap place and do it up. Is he not buying a dump if he plans on doing it up?

So far he has never told me the real reason to why it takes time. Seriously, how does it take over a year to move? He has loads of stuff to move. He wouldnt be worrying about that now if he moved out when he should have.

I feel so hurt and used. And dont know how to get over that. Am i right to be feeling the way i do. Did he ever mean anything? Does it really take over a year to move? If things were so bad, why not move out asap? Why did i get the lies? Why did he do it?

He's doing it because he can..he knows you're not going anywhere..it's been 2 years already...he's not gonna move not gonna leave her...go thru the terrible heartbreak and move on!!!!...only then will you truly see if he leaves her..sorry you're sad:(...but then again so is his wife