"I know you think I'm a bigot..."

kylith

My mother said to me the other day that she knows I think she's a bigot. We've clashed several times over the same sex marriage issue, gay rights, religion in general, and RCC schools discriminating based on religion or lack thereof (she doesn't think they're allowed to).

This has left me feeling somewhat uncomfortable. I don't think she's a bigot, just that she's misinformed and misguided (she's convinced that every homosexual on the planet is very promiscuous), but that hardly sounds like a better thing to say - kind of like saying "I don't think you're a bigot; I think you're an idiot". I suppose I'm wondering what this might mean for our relationship; I certainly wouldn't be happy if I thought someone thought I was a bigot.

Have any of ye encountered this problem? I don't like my mother thinking I think she's a bigot. I don't like the idea of her telling other people that I think she's a bigot.

Galvasean

Hate to say it, but her opinions do sound somewhat bigoted..

magicbastarder

my mum used to be a bit like that, but from what i've seen with my upbringing and my friends' upbringing, i think the biggest liberalising effect on parents is generally raising children and having to face up to the challenges their kids face.
the fact that the longest lived relationship in my peer group is a gay one helped - plus her meeting the two guys in question and finding out they're normal people.

Dades

I suggest don't talk about it. You only have one mother to fall out with.

If you're pressed on the issue more, tell her you don't think that she is a bigot, but you believe some of her views could be perceived as bigoted. In reality there's little distinction between the two, but the latter comes across as far less personal and insulting. I'd do what Dades suggests, though, and just keep away from the topic. I never discuss religion or politics with my parents; our views are entirely different, but I'm not going to change theirs, and they aren't going to change mine, so risking needless arguments and potential "bad blood" is unnecessary and would create far, far more hassle than any discussion would be worth.

pauldla

You don't think she's bigoted. She's smart (of course she's smart, she's your ma), but you think you're both seeing things from different angles. It's a question of perspective, perhaps, but not bigotry. I'd say something like that in the same situation, I think.

Bannasidhe

I do think my Dad is a bigot and a racist- he thinks I'm a pinko lefty. We are both correct.

My mother will insist she is not a bigot, read the ****e out of anyone who says anything about the gheys (i.e her daughter, her granddaughter and her grand nephew and niece) but in the next breathe will ask me to not tell anyone I am a *whisper* lesbian...funnily enough she has never asked either my brother or sister to not tell anyone they are *whisper* straight...

Yes - I do challenge her on this, and yes - I do think her *whisper* 'keep it a secret' has its roots in bigotry.

I also challenge her for her continual voting for FF

Maybe I'm just a challenge for my poor parents.......:p

lazygal

My dad is what you might call a cultural Catholic. He expressed some reservations about me and my sister doing yoga classes.....in his eyes there's something a bit 'off' about yoga and the like. :rolleyes:
I also know it bothers him that we haven't baptised our daughter. We managed to head this off at the pass by not having a church wedding and saying before baby arrived that there'd be no christening, but it does make him feel uneasy to have to tell others there's not going to be a christening. He's also make some comments on gay rights, allowing them to marry and adopt, which I was taken aback by. I think HE was taken aback by the fact me and my siblings gave his comments no leeway at all and called him on them, no cutting him slack. He's a pretty liberal guy in general and isn't a holy Joe type, so it's even more galling to hear him expressing views that I know are the product of religious indoctrination.

Nodin

Bannasidhe wrote: »

I do think my Dad is a bigot and a racist- he thinks I'm a pinko lefty. We are both correct.

My mother will insist she is not a bigot, read the ****e out of anyone who says anything about the gheys (i.e her daughter, her granddaughter and her grand nephew and niece) but in the next breathe will ask me to not tell anyone I am a *whisper* lesbian...funnily enough she has never asked either my brother or sister to not tell anyone they are *whisper* straight...

Yes - I do challenge her on this, and yes - I do think her *whisper* 'keep it a secret' has its roots in bigotry.

I also challenge her for her continual voting for FF

Maybe I'm just a challenge for my poor parents.......:p

I remember an aunt who would, when talking in the company of children, whisper the information that x had, in fact, married a protestant.

Bannasidhe

Nodin wrote: »

I remember an aunt who would, when talking in the company of children, whisper the information that x had, in fact, married a protestant.

My Dad recently learned his grandfather was an English Protestant - lucky I know where he keeps his heart meds or he would have been one dead bigot.

MagicMarker

OP, forget that she's your mother, if you met someone with her views would you think they're a bigot?

eviltwin

My mother is a bigot. Not only is she totally against things like gay marriage, divorce, abortion etc she would actually stop talking to someone who did something she doesn't agree with. She hasn't spoken to my cousin who is a lovely bloke in nearly 20 yrs because he is divorced. And she sees nothing wrong with that either.

On the other hand my mother in law would think sometimes are wrong but would always try and see the other person's point of view and would be very welcoming to them, she would never judge and I know she feels a bit embarrassed about some of her views but she can't help what side of the fence she's on I guess.

Doctor DooM

I do feel sorry for my Dad sometimes.

He's a good type, and I am very proud of him, he's a socialist and an atheist from a time when perhaps it was harder to be either of them. He's also a republican.

My Dad does have some hang ups, I think, from the generation he was from. He has admitted, when he's had a few,he wished a gay man would hit on him so he could be all cool about it. He's also admitted he was slightly suprised I never smoked an illegal substance as a youngster as he was all revved up so he could have a mature conversation with me about it. He wasn't trying to be cool or anything, just trying to do it right, and that's something I admire.

Of course, life being the way it is, the first person I bring home to my atheist republican father was the daughter of a protestant priest. The second was English. I think kids try and push their parents by accident He laughed it off though!

TwoShedsJackson

lazygal wrote: »

My dad is what you might call a cultural Catholic. He expressed some reservations about me and my sister doing yoga classes.....in his eyes there's something a bit 'off' about yoga and the like. :rolleyes:

Your Dad has something in common with the Taliban, they're pretty anti-yoga too. What about kite-flying, is he opposed to that?

robindch

Our family has Popette. I need go no further than to say that her views are literally apocalyptic and that politically, she's well to the right of Herr Ratzinger.

Bannasidhe

robindch wrote: »

Our family has Popette. I need go no further than to say that her views are literally apocalyptic and that politically, she's well to the right of Herr Ratzinger.

The legendary Popette - I think she should have her own thread -' The Hazards of Popette'?

marienbad

Yeah - your mother is a bigot allright - but so what - dos'nt mean she is not a nice person.

I'd be more worried about the FF thing to be honest.

kylith

Thanks for the advice folks. I do try to avoid contentious issues, but sometimes they just seem to come up, and I'm not going to lie about my opinions. I guess I'll continue to do that as much as I can. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has this.

I do think that it might just be that she's never met an actual gay person (that she knows of), and so she just goes by what she sees on telly. It might be good if someone in the family was gay, so she could have gotten over any prejudices and seen what an actual homosexual relationship is like. She's had a few years to get used to all the atheists in the family, though she still makes pointed jokes about hell, and how we're going there.

magicbastarder

does she like julian simmons on UTV? older women seem to like him. she probably knows he's gay by now if she likes him.

maybe we could assemble a list of 'likeable to older women' gays we could suggest to people in this situation?

ShooterSF

You have my sympathy OP that can't be an easy situation. I guess I've been extremely lucky here. Both my parents are as lapsed as lapsed catholics can get and rather liberal too. Mam's really a non-descript theist and I actually think dad doesn't really buy it at all. Even my only living grandparent told us months ago that she actually thought it was all rubbish for years but was afraid to say so. My other grandmother was very religious but passed before I had gone beyond the private doubting stage. Probably best for our relationship Actually I have more rows over psychics with my younger sibling than anything religious!

Gbear

Coming from an Atheist household I (perhaps boringly) have very few differences of opinion to my parents.

My mother was pregnant out of wedlock in the 70's with my brother and my parents subsequently got married in a registry office.
Neither of their parents came and only one of my mother's 9 siblings turned up (although that was at least in part not being able to afford getting to London).

Every now and again my dad says something stupid in support of the Republican party but it's mostly based on not paying much attention to US politics enough to know what a load of **** they are full of.

That said, if he was a **** I'd have no problem calling him on it and telling him so. If I really didn't like him I'd have no particular problem breaking all ties with him. I don't really follow the logic that "well you've only got 1 mammy".
It works within reason and the sort of tepid bigotry that's common among a certain generation isn't worth falling out over but some **** you hear from families in the US - like parents who kicked their child out of the house because he was an atheist - that they're related to you and "raised" you stops being a factor in a situation like that.

Zillah

Learning to hide your contempt for others is Happy Atheist 101.

old hippy

My mom held some very bigoted views when I was younger - drove a big wedge between us. But she's mellowed over the years and only comes out with the occasional clanger. On the plus side, she's an atheist.