Married with unfulfilling sex life

LegacyUser

Hi boardsies - going unreg for this for obvious reasons.

I am a married woman in my early 30s, have been married for 6 years and have been with my husband 12 years.

He is an amazing husband, kind, considerate, does his fair share etc.

However, he leaves me unsatisfied in our sex life. We would be very affectionate towards each other on a normal day to day basis, and would have sex maybe 3 - 6 times a month. Which I don't mind and he says he's happy enough with.

When we have sex there is lots of foreplay etc and he does try to make me come and is very considerate that way - but I often have to fake orgasms, cos no matter what he does, it just doesn't finish me off. I have never orgasmed with him, clitoral or otherwise. I have faked several times, and there was a period where I didn't fake and we tried new positions, and he tried to give me a clitoral orgasm with both his fingers and tongue but it just wasn't working. (God I feel bad even just writing this, disloyal or something). I do love him more than words can say.

When he's not around I'm well able to make myself orgasm by clitoral masturbation, I've never had a penetrative orgasm. I've told him I'm fairly happy with our sex life but I would like it to be a bit more vigorous and he has tried, but it still didn't do anything for me.

At this stage I don't know what to do, he's starting to feel hurt by the fact that its not blowing my mind. I have a slight interest in a small bit of bondage and would like if he was more dominating in the bedroom, but when I suggested this he wasn't really on for it.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or ask him to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable but I'm frustrated at this stage and would love for us to be able to blow each others minds.

Please give me some advise or suggestions as to what to do.

Hardonraging

Communication, focus and willingness without these three basic's nothing going to change in your relationship...

You need to figure out what's different when you masturbate and when you have sex with your husband.. where's your mind, what are you thinking about ?

I'm a little surprised it's not effected him yet, but obviously he's not really noticed. inevitably it will, try and work on other aspects, if you have an interest in bondage, try a silk scarf around your ankles or wrist's, surely he would be comfortable with that ..

Hopefully things will improve, were all carnal at heart, and a poor sex life is the down fall of many a relationship/ marriage.

Sleepy

Drag him into a sex shop and guide him towards some things that interest you...

If you don't already have one, buy a toy and use it with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replys folks.

Hardonraging-we have tried a small bit of bondage. He's tied my arms up, but its more his attitude, he's too nice and won't just take control. And then I just can't seem to relax and let myself go fully.

When I try an direct him more, I literally feel like I'm having to tell him to change everything! Then he gets frustrated. Which is understandable.
Its just as much my problem as it is his. Like when he is using his fingers hands on me, its just takes me too long to get there. Even with myself, its can b an hour or so before I can make myself come. And when we're in bed together that's just too long. I get frustrated and he loses his erection.

Is there anything I can do to make things easier for us?

ted1

Instructions, if It's not working guide him.

Sleepy

Relax would be the main thing to do...

How would he respond to an old-fashioned hand-written letter explaining just what you want him to do to you in the bedroom: an instruction manual masquerading as personalised porn It might make it easier for you to communicate just how you want him to behave?

Have you ever masturbated in front of him? It's a highly erotic thing for both parties once you get over the initial awkwardness and could both make you feel subservient ("performing for your master/dominant") and help him see how you like to be touched...

A final thought: have you tried any of the tingle balms? They can really speed up things

LegacyUser

OP, you seem to feel orgasms = decent sex.

Even though your husband seems to be a considerate lover. He is plainly trying his best to satisfy you - no wonder he's starting to feel hurt.

My husband has never brought me to orgasm, though I orgasm easily with a vibrator. In the beginning he was upset and stressed over this, and started to lose his confidence, but I reassured him that it was just the icing on the cake, and he was such an amazing cake! It took the pressure off us, and we concentrate on just being in the moment, and enjoying every second. I may never in my entire life orgasm with him - I have no idea why it doesn't happen. But dammit, I'm determined to have a brilliant sex life with my husband regardless.

Because brilliant to me doesn't equal orgasms. It equals the closeness, and the giggling, and the hotness, and the amazing sensations. Oh, and a decent duration helps!

On occasion, I need to orgasm, like anyone else. I use my vibrator, and whilst before it was always something I did privately, I've gotten to the stage of thinking about bringing it into the bedroom so we share that together. But regardless, I never want the presence or absence of an orgasm to denote whether its good or bad sex. Not when you're going to be with the person for decades.

If your husband is inhibited by the idea of a vibrator, I would suggest some rubber finger stimulators. Try them yourself first to see if they work for you.

SheFiend

If it takes you an hour to come, it's quite understandable that he isn't able to make you come. First step is to improve your in technique; It is not all his responsibility.

Try masturbating more frequently, but pick a time and look forward to it. Think dirty so that you're very aroused by the time you get home. If you are sufficiently exited you won't be thinking about the orgasm.. but instead you'll be enjoying the sensations which lead to orgasm, it should happen quicker.
Once you do this frequently you will be comfortable with the knowledge that you will come easily, and that takes the pressure off him, but also off you! Pressure or stress and concentration are the best ways to ruin the mood and prevent orgasm.

Once you are more comfortable with your orgasmic responses, you can play the game of building excitement with your partner. Pre-heat the oven ;-)
Tell him something kinky in the morning about what will happen that night.. you'll both be thinking about it all day. Think of it as all day foreplay. Sexy txts, dirty phone calls, Cheeky notes.. lots of possibilitys to play with. Tease, excite and fantasize.
Enjoy the explosion of tension that night ;-)

As for bondage, I imagine that's especially attractive now as it would help get you in the mental space .. give you excitement that provides the foundation for the orgasm.. orgasms are mostly mental things.
Would you still be excited to take charge once in a while and introduce it slowly so as not to scare him off? If you do this you must pay extra special attention to him and his sensations.

Ickle Magoo

Denewis wrote: »

OP, you seem to feel orgasms = decent sex.

In fairness to the OP while cuddling and laughing is nice, that can be done with clothes on. I'd be horribly frustrated and resentful if my sex life consisted of my assisting my partner to climax and me just being/getting turned on but never getting to climax.

OP - you need to know when and how you get most turned on and then you need to tell and show your partner what does it for you. There's no reason why he has to do all the work, try getting yourself 99% of the way while he watches and then letting him take over. Write erotic stories of your fantasies and let him read them, have discussions outside the bedroom about what does it for you.

Lastly - pressure and tension is the biggest killer, of both passion and climax potential. Take the pressure off for a bit, invest in some vibrators and fun toys and just play about, finishing yourself off if needs be. Make sure your husband knows how fantastic you think he is and that it's not just a failure on his part - it's an issue you both contribute to and something that you both have to find a solution to. Some women can't orgasm via penetrative sex and/or have a very specific masturbatory style and a partner can find it impossible to replicate that so it's sometimes about getting yourself to the brink of orgasm and being relaxed enough to let it happen under slightly different circumstances.

All the very best. :cool:

SheFiend

"have discussions outside the bedroom about what does it for you"

Excellent point; had to highlight "outside the bedroom"

username123

An hour to orgasm would seem excessive to me. Perhaps OP needs to see a sex therapist?

Or maybe its not excessive, I only have experience of how long it takes me, not other women!!

Hardonraging

username123 wrote: »

An hour to orgasm would seem excessive to me. Perhaps OP needs to see a sex therapist?

Or maybe its not excessive, I only have experience of how long it takes me, not other women!!

Everyone's different, for some it can happen within 5 mins, for others it can take 30 mins, there are so many variable to take in to account, speaking generally, good foreplay, and a passionate touch/kiss will move most along and bring them within the 15 - 20 min window..

Generally !

AnonMouse

I would recommend doing a tantra course together. Tantra is a way of life that brings two people very close and the sexual side of it is very sacred and rewarding for both. Just a suggestion, but I think it is wonderful.

Best of luck with whatever happens

Ellsbells

Op did you have orgasms with previous partners?

I think it's a bit harsh to lay all the blame at his door. It seems that when you tell him what to do he does it but you still can't orgasm. I don't see what he is doing wrong here. Have you read or watched any porn to get you going or is it all down to him to satisfy you?

Sleepy

poor sex life wrote: »

he's too nice and won't just take control. And then I just can't seem to relax and let myself go fully.

This stands out for me. Do you have any negative feelings around sex? That in order to really enjoy it it must be something you have no say in? The fantasy of rape or being "forced" to do things was very, very common amongst women in the 70's and continues to be quite popular today for precisely that reason: they wanted to explore those things they fantasised about being "forced" to do but wouldn't admit, even to themselves, that they were so at odds with what society deemed "correct".

If a therapist isn't an option for you, I'd recommend spending a lot of time learning how to bring yourself to orgasm. Take responsibility for your own pleasure and learn to actively participate in it rather than allowing it to passively be done to you. I'm not particularly fond of the term "making love" but it does reinforce one key thing that most of our colloquialisms for sex seem to miss: it's something you do "with" someone, rather than something that you do "to" someone.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you to everyone for your replies, they have been very helpfull.

I definitely don't think my husband would go to a sex therapist. But I do think the problem lies with me, an hour to bring myself to orgasm obviously isn't normal.

I would consider a therapist for myself on my own but I don't have much money so don't know if I could afford it. I will try and broach the subject of toys with himself and hopefully that may help. It would be such a wonderful thing to experience properly with him.

curlzy

Sleepy wrote: »

"This stands out for me. Do you have any negative feelings around sex? That in order to really enjoy it it must be something you have no say in? The fantasy of rape or being "forced" to do things was very, very common amongst women in the 70's and continues to be quite popular today for precisely that reason: they wanted to explore those things they fantasised about being "forced" to do but wouldn't admit, even to themselves, that they were so at odds with what society deemed "correct".
"

Eh hello generalisations! I love being held down and f*cked hard but I certainly have no problem admitting it! I think it's about really enjoying being with a dominating alpha man rather than having 1970s negative views on sex. So yeah, careful with generalisations!

Sleepy

Curlzy, it was just a hunch based on the OP's use of language that it might be the case for her rather than a generalisation about all women who enjoy being submissive in bed.

Lots of people enjoy that kind of sex as part of a normal, healthy sex life, myself included. But like most kinks, it can become a real problem if it's necessary to indulge in it in order to reach climax. Especially if it leads to one's partners sexual needs not being met.

When the OP is saying that she wants her partner to "take control" of her in order for her to achieve orgasm with him, and that she takes a very long time to relax enough to orgasm through masturbation it seems quite plausible to me that she could have some negative feelings about sex that she feels she needs to repress (or have repressed for her) in order to enjoy it. I'm not a qualified counsellor by any means but it might be something worthwhile for the OP to discuss with one, or even to spend some time thinking about herself: could she have some feelings about sex that she needs to work through before she can enjoy it? It'd hardly be unusual in a country where our parents generation tended to be devoutly Catholic...

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Reading your story was like looking into my past. My husband is everything you descrobed in yours, but a couple of years ago i was having the same problems as you. Id been with my husband for about ten years and - not proud of this - ended up having an affair with another man from my estate. Like i said, not proud of what i done but having sex with another man fulfilled me in a way i wasnt getting off my husband.

In the end the affair ended - cause we live close by i still see the guy all the time. I know it was wrong but in a f*cked up way the affair made me focus on my marriage more. It was like an itch that had to be scrached - now that its done i can look ahead with my marriage.