So lonely all the time

LegacyUser

Hi
I don't know where to even start with this but even to put it down on screen might make things a little better..maybe.
I'm 35, mum of two beautiful boys. The eldest is 3. I love them to bits but I'm exhausted doing everything on my own with them.
My husband is never here and when he is, he is so emotionally unavailable (to me anyway, he's great with the kids, He is very affectionate with them and plays with them).
When they have gone to bed, his head is normally stuck in the laptop or watching tv. There is no chat or hugs or anything between us. I don't love him, I don't even like him half the time but I'm stuck with him because of our children and no matter how bad things are with us, he loves our boys and them him. So uprooting them is not the answer as far as I'm concerned. I know he feels the same way about me to as he admitted it.
I have a great family who help with the children and only for them I'd never even get to the gym. when I say he's never here, he is a mechanic so always working. Day and week nights. It's not every night but some weeks it could be 4 week nights and all day Sat up until around 8pm.
I feel the lonliness most when I'm sitting in every evening on my own with no one to talk to.
We have every Sunday together as a family but I dread them because he is always tired and in bad form that we end up arguing.
I'm nearly tempting an internet 'affair' just to have a bit of closeness to someone. I know how selfish that sounds but I would give anything right now for a hug or just for someone to say I'm doing a good job.
I do everything in the house, cook meals every evening, get up at night to the kids, he does nothing.
I'm on maternity leave at the moment so will have to go back full time to work soon which I'm happy about but I know I will be so tired juggling working with everything.
I would love to leave and start again, but like I said, I couldn't do it to my children.
Thanks for reading.

marizpan

I'm sending you a big hug.
I know how hard it can be. A couple of days away would do wonders to clear the mind. Could family mind kids if u went away for a night or two with friends?
Hugs

Hardonraging

If you're in a loveless unhappy relationship it's up to you to resolve the issue, even if there are kids involved, etc , you can arrange visitation, live close by, etc, the kids can still see there dad and you'll have some freedom in your life again .

daisybelle2008

How long do you plan on staying in a loveless, sexless marriage 'for' your children? That is an awful burden to place on them. Not many people would be grateful for their parents remained unhappy for their sake. What makes you think you could not have an amicable separation with shared custody. There is going to be a lot of suppressed resentment, unhappiness and dissatisfaction under the surface.
How exactly is living a sham marriage and not being true to yourself going to benefit them?
I mean that genuinely? It is honestly very sad that you are so lonely and contemplating continuing this indefinitely.

IpreDictDeatH

You deserve more....end it, move on!

LegacyUser

You're married. This is the "in the worst of times" bit from your vows.

Try and arrange some time away from the children together, even a lunch at the weekend.

We all feel like this sometimes....life is not easy with a young family but it won't always be like this.

One thing you can do straight away is introduce a no-tv, no laptop night.....brew up a pot of tea and just talk. You will be amazed what can be sorted out in a night.

Me and my wife do that every Tuesday. It has kept some closeness between us since having our little boy. (He frequently interrupts this I need not add!)

Virgil°

I think you're missing a big point about all this. Kids are more perceptive than most people realise. As they grow they could easily pick up on all the little nuances in your behaviour towards your husband that are bound to surface given that fact you don't even like him.

As a result they may very well grow up with a distorted understanding of what a loving relationship is.
My advice is to leave this man and go find someone that makes you happy. Your kids won't thank you for being miserable your whole life when they were growing up. There aren't any rules that dictate that you can't enjoy your life while being a responsible, caring mother.

marizpan

100 to 102 wrote: »

You're married. This is the "in the worst of times" bit from your vows.

Try and arrange some time away from the children together, even a lunch at the weekend.

We all feel like this sometimes....life is not easy with a young family but it won't always be like this.

One thing you can do straight away is introduce a no-tv, no laptop night.....brew up a pot of tea and just talk. You will be amazed what can be sorted out in a night.

Me and my wife do that every Tuesday. It has kept some closeness between us since having our little boy. (He frequently interrupts this I need not add!)

I agree totally with this. You should only walk from a marriage after you have tried to improve it. Then walk away happy knowing that you truly tried everything.

ManOfMystery

OP,

A member of my family has recently ended a loveless marriage. She was married for over 15 years, but spent the last 8 or 9 basically living separate lives. They have children, and whilst they thought they were doing the right thing by staying together 'for the kids', one of the children remarked one day how mummy and daddy didn't like each other.

What kind of example does that set? Children who grow up around that environment will settle into a pattern of thought where they assume it's normal to be in a household where the adults don't speak much, or don't show affection, or don't seem to love each other. You could be doing them more harm than good by staying together for their sake.

As has been said above, kids are more perceptive than people give them credit for. I'm firmly of the belief that people in a loveless marriage should go their separate ways and seek happiness with new partners, providing of course that both parents can still communicate well and share their time/visitation with the kids equally. Surely your children would be more content knowing mum & dad are happy (if apart), rather than together and sad ................. so long as they get to see you both?

Of course, I say all this assuming your marriage is 100% over. Are you sure it is? Have you both talked about your marriage at any point or considered counselling? You both obviously felt some kind of love and attraction at one point if you got married and had children, but perhaps that has slowly dwindled away over the years as the monotony and routine of everyday life takes over. Your husband is obviously capable of emotion and affection (as he shows it towards the children), but he seems to have settled into a breadwinner type role and forgotten that he's also a husband and a partner. I'm not pinning blame solely on him either - perhaps you have both settled into the roles of mother/father and forgotten that you still have a right to a relationship between yourselves (not involving the children, so to speak), and the intimacy that comes with it. That doesn't end just because you're parents - it's just harder to find the time for it. Couples in healthy marriages tend to do this by having date nights, or just a couple of hours together chatting at the end of the day when the kids are tucked into bed. You have to make that time.

Separation should only be considered if you are totally adamant that you have no hope of rekindling things.