Cant let go of my ex...

JajaD

To make a very very long and complicated story short...

Myself and my ex broke up 9 months ago. He basically dumped me...for no reason, turned very nasty, called me a lot of horrible names. I had been so good to him. All of a sudden he turned extremely paranoid. We got back a few times, only for him to tell me to literally "**** off" weeks later. Looking back now, i dont know why i ran back to him. Months would go by and we'd end up seeing each other again. He'd tell me that he loves me, then he'd go all weird and start being horrible again. Deleting me on facebook. Then just before electric picnic we started talking again. Week after he started being an absoloute as*hole again and i basically rang him up and started giving out to him. He had such a horrible tone, he just said "grand, goodbye then". Days later he text me cos his dad was in hospital so i replied saying hope he was ok etc. He then rang me the next day and said sorry for texting me. That was arthurs day, when i got home that night and went onto facebook, i noticed that he had blocked me. Not even a mail to say why he was doing that. He has messed me around for months, one minute tellng me he loves me, the next minute accusing me of being the reason why we broke up, then blocking me, unblocking me, meeting up with me, then telling me to **** off... this has been going on for months and months. I text him the other night and let him have it. I told him that i couldnt believe the way he has ended up treating me. He used to be absoloutely mad about me, then he started being so so horrible, for no reason. He tries to justify calling me all these names, and justifying why we broke up but the truth is he just turned into a massively horrible person, but he cant even see that. I just cant get my head around it. I cant understand why he turned out like this. Why couldnt he just end it nicely, instead of playing me like a fool. At one point he even tried to tell me that i was the one who didnt care..when it was me running after him for months.

I cant get him out of my head. Every night i think about him. I dont want to but i just cant understand why he cant see how bad he has been to me. All i would have needed was an apology and for him to be sound and say he realises he has treated me bad. Then at least i can have some sort of closure but he just isnt doing that. After all the texts i sent him the other day basically telling him what i thought of him, and how i couldnt believe he could treat anyone like this, after me being so good to him, aftter everything, he could treat me like this. He tried to ring me but i didnt answer, he unblocked me from facebook. But i know that he will just try and get his last word in like he always does, and hurt me more with more nasty name calling.

How do i move on? Please, anyone, does anyone have any advice cos im at the point where im not sleeping, im so depressed cos i loved him so much. I feel like just moving to australia.

Overheal

JajaD wrote: »

To make a very very long and complicated story short...

Myself and my ex broke up 9 months ago. He basically dumped me...for no reason, turned very nasty, called me a lot of horrible names. I had been so good to him. All of a sudden he turned extremely paranoid. We got back a few times, only for him to tell me to literally "**** off" weeks later. Looking back now, i dont know why i ran back to him. Months would go by and we'd end up seeing each other again. He'd tell me that he loves me, then he'd go all weird and start being horrible again. Deleting me on facebook. Then just before electric picnic we started talking again. Week after he started being an absoloute as*hole again and i basically rang him up and started giving out to him. He had such a horrible tone, he just said "grand, goodbye then". Days later he text me cos his dad was in hospital so i replied saying hope he was ok etc. He then rang me the next day and said sorry for texting me. That was arthurs day, when i got home that night and went onto facebook, i noticed that he had blocked me. Not even a mail to say why he was doing that. He has messed me around for months, one minute tellng me he loves me, the next minute accusing me of being the reason why we broke up, then blocking me, unblocking me, meeting up with me, then telling me to **** off... this has been going on for months and months. I text him the other night and let him have it. I told him that i couldnt believe the way he has ended up treating me. He used to be absoloutely mad about me, then he started being so so horrible, for no reason. He tries to justify calling me all these names, and justifying why we broke up but the truth is he just turned into a massively horrible person, but he cant even see that. I just cant get my head around it. I cant understand why he turned out like this. Why couldnt he just end it nicely, instead of playing me like a fool. At one point he even tried to tell me that i was the one who didnt care..when it was me running after him for months.

I cant get him out of my head. Every night i think about him. I dont want to but i just cant understand why he cant see how bad he has been to me. All i would have needed was an apology and for him to be sound and say he realises he has treated me bad. Then at least i can have some sort of closure but he just isnt doing that. After all the texts i sent him the other day basically telling him what i thought of him, and how i couldnt believe he could treat anyone like this, after me being so good to him, aftter everything, he could treat me like this. He tried to ring me but i didnt answer, he unblocked me from facebook. But i know that he will just try and get his last word in like he always does, and hurt me more with more nasty name calling.

How do i move on? Please, anyone, does anyone have any advice cos im at the point where im not sleeping, im so depressed cos i loved him so much. I feel like just moving to australia.

All I can say is these things I've highlighted just point out that you have a lot of unresolved thoughts and feelings. I spent the last couple days myself going through my own thoughts and feelings on a particular issue and realized early on that how I felt didn't quite make sense. It took the better part of 2 days to figure out exactly what I was feeling, and how it made sense.

Similarly, you need to explore your own actions and feelings. You can't expect to be able to understand why your boyfriend did what he did, and I'm sorry for that. You can at least try and understand your own feelings. For instance, why do you think you went back to him? Why do you feel that you regularly tolerated this person? Don't just settle for simple answers from yourself: You only have to answer to You, but you are still answerable to YOU. If part of you says "I loved him thats why" and the other half of you says "That's a bullsh!t excuse answer", then you aren't going to find personal closure until you are satisfied with your own answers.

I recall for an ex of mine that I never did get a postmortem discussion with her. In the end I had to settle myself on what is simply a hypothesis about her behavior, using a 'best fit'. I don't have proof, for instance, that her behavior was motivated by XYZ, but that theory has filled the most loopholes for me - enough that I can put the matter to rest without any lingering doubts. In your situation though talking to him could simply do more harm than good. It could have in mine situation also. I never had to find out, but I never gave her the chance to do any more damage.

Good luck and take care. You must spend the time and energy giving this thought. As long as it takes you need to resolve it in your own head for your own peace of mind.

JajaD

What i cant understand is how he went from loving me to basically turning into a paranoid, unapologetic horribly mean person. He was full of double standards ie: i would go out with my friends and id get texts off him calling me all sorts, then he'd apologise the next day, whereas he'd go out with his mates on a session and do drugs and id be there for him the next day (or after the weekend). He done what he wanted when he wanted, yet he wud accuse me of all sorts..behave horrible, then nice, then horrible.. Im sure he's sitting at home now still thinking that he is right and has nothing to be sorry for. Its like all his human feelings, like logic, reason, kindness has left his body and paranoia, arrogance, and evil has replaced them. I just cant understand how he cant see how bad he's been. Take this for example... He dumped me and ignored me for 8 weeks. I went on a date with one of my friends boyfriends friend. I didnt even wanna go on the date. I met up with this guy for one drink, got bored and even went home early. No kissing or anything. Weeks later my ex and I got back talking/seeing each other and he started turning everything around on me sayin "i cant believe u went on a date" after he was the one who dumped me!! And to make things more crazy, he had just told me he kissed some girl at a festival. Thats the kind of mentality im dealing with. Its like pyschological torture... and he cant even see how wrong he has been. I cant understand why he cant see and thats what gets to me. I have many many examples of these mind games.

I think i should go see a councellor or someone like that...

LegacyUser

He sounds absolutely brutal. It's a pity you didn't get any closure about the end of the relationship, but I think you have all the info you need now. This chap has a lot of growing up to do. You don't deserve to be treated like this so:

Cut all contact. This thing is over and you don't need it dragging out and hurting even more.

Don't contact him or accept contact from him. It is not helping anything. Block him on facebook, delete the numbers, email contacts etc. There are apps to block incoming texts if you have a smartphone.

Just be good to yourself for now and keep busy, busy, busy. You'll be sad for a while but this messing around and these bullsh!t mindgames will stop when he sees that he can't reach you. And after a while it'll get better. Then, after another while it'll get a lot better. It always does.

DeltaWhite

Cut contact - and stick to it.. block him off FB etc.. give him a taste of his own medicine!

And most importantly - do not go back to him! He isnt going to change his behaviour which is quite clear from your first post.


I can assure you, in months to come when you have moved on, you will laugh your ass off and wonder why you put up with that sh*te in the first place! I've been there

JajaD

thanks... ill try all of that.

AnonoBoy

JajaD wrote: »

What i cant understand is how he went from loving me to basically turning into a paranoid, unapologetic horribly mean person. He was full of double standards ie: i would go out with my friends and id get texts off him calling me all sorts, then he'd apologise the next day, whereas he'd go out with his mates on a session and do drugs and id be there for him the next day (or after the weekend). He done what he wanted when he wanted, yet he wud accuse me of all sorts..behave horrible, then nice, then horrible.. Im sure he's sitting at home now still thinking that he is right and has nothing to be sorry for. Its like all his human feelings, like logic, reason, kindness has left his body and paranoia, arrogance, and evil has replaced them. I just cant understand how he cant see how bad he's been. Take this for example... He dumped me and ignored me for 8 weeks. I went on a date with one of my friends boyfriends friend. I didnt even wanna go on the date. I met up with this guy for one drink, got bored and even went home early. No kissing or anything. Weeks later my ex and I got back talking/seeing each other and he started turning everything around on me sayin "i cant believe u went on a date" after he was the one who dumped me!! And to make things more crazy, he had just told me he kissed some girl at a festival. Thats the kind of mentality im dealing with. Its like pyschological torture... and he cant even see how wrong he has been. I cant understand why he cant see and thats what gets to me. I have many many examples of these mind games.

I think i should go see a councellor or someone like that...

I'll explain it in very simple terms. The guy was a c*nt. He was a c*nt from day one but you didn't see it because most likely but you were blinded by your attraction to him.

No decent person acts like that.

You don't need to see anybody about this - you just need to ignore him and don't entertain any sort of attempts at reconciliation from him. Every time he apologised to you he didn't mean it - he just did it to get you to do what he wanted.

JajaD

/yeah, i can see now that he has just been using me, and ill have to erase him. Its just a massive massive head f*ck.

wendyhouse86

I have been in your exact mess and thats what it is a MESS!!!!!!! He will always come back and everything will always be your fault, block him from your phone, facebook, whatsapp, viber everything. I know it will be hard but its for your own sanity. You will look back in a year or two and say what was I at with that idiot.

JajaD

JajaD wrote: »

To make a very very long and complicated story short...

Myself and my ex broke up 9 months ago. He basically dumped me...for no reason, turned very nasty, called me a lot of horrible names. I had been so good to him. All of a sudden he turned extremely paranoid. We got back a few times, only for him to tell me to literally "**** off" weeks later.

:eek:
He sounds like a sociopath. What the hell is wrong with people in modern society?! Some people can be so vile and sick! While you are at his beck and call he will never appreciate you tbh.

Fact is this man is like an addiction; he is damaging and controlling.

You need to take the control back and ask yourself whose happiness is most important, yours or his?

Your stopping yourself being happy trying to keep this poisonous dysfunctional creature happy

looksee

JajaD wrote: »

What i cant understand is how he went from loving me to basically turning into a paranoid, unapologetic horribly mean person. He was full of double standards ie: i would go out with my friends and id get texts off him calling me all sorts, then he'd apologise the next day, whereas he'd go out with his mates on a session and do drugs and id be there for him the next day (or after the weekend). He done what he wanted when he wanted, yet he wud accuse me of all sorts..behave horrible, then nice, then horrible.. Im sure he's sitting at home now still thinking that he is right and has nothing to be sorry for. Its like all his human feelings, like logic, reason, kindness has left his body and paranoia, arrogance, and evil has replaced them. I just cant understand how he cant see how bad he's been. Take this for example... He dumped me and ignored me for 8 weeks. I went on a date with one of my friends boyfriends friend. I didnt even wanna go on the date. I met up with this guy for one drink, got bored and even went home early. No kissing or anything. Weeks later my ex and I got back talking/seeing each other and he started turning everything around on me sayin "i cant believe u went on a date" after he was the one who dumped me!! And to make things more crazy, he had just told me he kissed some girl at a festival. Thats the kind of mentality im dealing with. Its like pyschological torture... and he cant even see how wrong he has been. I cant understand why he cant see and thats what gets to me. I have many many examples of these mind games.

I think i should go see a councellor or someone like that...

Could be your answer is right there.

LegacyUser

OP I was in your situation. He messed me around for months, I went running after him. He would disappear for weeks on end. Really he treated me dreadfully.

Then he promised yet again he would change. There was a personal tragedy in my family. I got pregnant and he became a very dedicated partner.

But only for 9 months. The baby was born very sick and he could not cope and guess what? his behaviour reverted back to treating me very badly. The reality of the situation is that this behaviour is actully the real him. All the warning signs were there, its my fault I choose to ignore them.

Even though he is "supposedly" happily involved with someone else. He is still playing mind games behind her back. I can tell he is not happy now either but it is not my problem.

I now tend to judge people by their previous behaviour as it gives a very strong indication of their real personality.

OP get away from him now while you can. Don't end up like me.

Ellsbells

Op you got closure - he walked away and there closure. You are choosing to wallow and I have been there myself but the only way to move on is to realise his words are not important to you. Why do you still give him power over your happiness? Block him, stop contacting him and move on. He hasn't changed because the nasty him is the real him.

mishca

<MOD NOTE - mischa - I have moved your post here as I felt due to the detail you deserved your own thread and to prevent this one being hijacked. - Taltos>

LegacyUser

OP you have broken up with your boyfriend but you really want an explanation for his behaviour. But there is no way of getting an explanation. What can you do ask him? then he will just think you are trying to get in touch with him and it will start again. ask his friends or family? if you happen to run into them they might not know either

forget about him and get on with your life. enjoy yourself have a holiday or start a course

Roisy7

There was a similiar thread here a few months back and one poster said something that stuck in my head ever since, it's probably the best piece of relationship advice I've heard in a long time.

"Closure is an inside job".

You are never going to get closure with this man. You're going to have to work through it all yourself. And I know that sucks and he treated you terribly but you have the power within yourself to make sure that this man never hurts you again.

I'd echo all the other posters, delete him from your phone, FB and simply never speak to him again. It will be hard but you'll get through it.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has you wondering and hurt. Move on with your life. Another quote:

"The best revenge is living well" x