How to help my mother after my father's death

mirtiel

My father died in July this year after a short illness. (10 weeks) I am 26 and was very close to him. It was all very sudden and myself and my family had very little control over his treatment and were only able to visit him for 2 hours a day each for the last 4 weeks. The fact that he was alone for 18 hours a day for the last 4 weeks haunts me and I feel so guilty that he was alone and frightened at this time. (This was due to hospital policy)

As sad as I am about his passing, I find it even harder to see my mother in so much pain. I deffinitely cry more over how sad she is than how much I miss him. I feel my grief has to be put aside for her and have to keep control of the family home. My concentration is non-existant and every day life is so difficult. I would love to run away and never see my family again if I am honest. Watching their grief has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, even after being there with my dad when his machines were turned off and looking into his eyes, knowing he knew he was dying.

I feel I need to be at home for my mother but I feel so useless and frustrated that there is nothing I can do to help her. I know myself that all her plans for retirement and the future died with him and hopelessness is all she is feeling.
She is very independent in some ways but has isolated herself from friends and family and I feel at times myself and one other family member are the only ones keeping her going. She is very proud and would hate me to talk to family and friends on her behalf. Her life now is going to work and coming home and being alone. I try to get her out of the house to go for walks or to visit friends but at this stage, I feel I am nagging her.

Does anyone have any advise they could give me?

Taltos

Hi OP

sorry to hear of your loss.

Not sure how helpful this will be but here are a few suggestions.

1. Bereavement counseling - for you both or individually. Never did this myself and regret not going to help me deal with the anger I carried as a result.
2. Give her a little space - as you know constantly asking someone if they are OK when they are clearly not is a surefire way to trigger a backlash.
3. Little treats - see about taking her out for a coffee or a walk - basically continue as you have been. Not sure if you stay with her when you bring her to family/friends but maybe give her some time alone there with them.
4. Her friends - is there someone she was very close to that you could have a quiet word with - let them know your concerns and ask them if at all possible if they could call around a bit more for a while?
5. GP - in my mum's case we eventually had to go with her to her GP. In her case depression had set it quite severly and she needed help to deal with that and her dependence on alcohol.

Years later - I still call her most days - just to talk nonsense - takes her mind off things and me talking about useless crap can sometimes snap her out of a slump. She is really very lucky - one of her neighbours who she was not that close to before also started calling around and dragging her around the town - gets her out of the house and she really enjoys the company as well as the chats the two of them have - this is all despite herself as she is not sociable at all really.

mirtiel

Thanks so much for your reply.

I think I will suggest councelling for both of us. Also maybe a bit of space would do us both the world of good. Its just very hard to find the right balance without her feeling alone but thank you for your advise.

Rubberlegs

Hi there, I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad after a short, unexpected illness almost 2 yrs ago. To this day I hate driving away from my mother's, knowing she's there alone in the house. My mother wouldn't come and stay overnight with any of us after he died, she said had had to get used to it, this was the way it was going to be. I felt so helpless though:(. I always felt that horrendous as it was that my Dad was gone, I could go back to my family home, with my partner and kids whilst my mother was alone.
Counselling does help greatly. We have both been. It's such a relief to talk to someone not directly involved. My mother doesn't drive, so I help her by bringing her out to the shops, have a cup of coffee. Basically, I'm only ever a text or a phone call away. It does get easier with time, some kind of normality does begin to restore itself. It's like you all learn to live again in a new way without your Dad, if you know what I mean.
Look after yourself though too! I know how rotten it is to see how everyone else is suffering, that can be worse than dealing with your own grief, and very stressful..

daenerysstormborn3

OP, very sorry for your loss.

My boyfriend's father passed away last October and my boyfriend and I were immediately offered counselling FOC by his dad's GP. We didn't take advantage of the offer and I still regret that. My boyfriend has recently begun counselling, on his second session, to help him with all of the anger he has built up. He has done a lot of damage, emotionally, to himself over the past year. I would definitely suggest counselling for your mum. If she is not receptive to going to see a professional in this manner, you could go to your local priest (if she is a religious person) and he may be able to offer some help to your mum.

The hardest part for my boyfriend's dad after his wife passed away was the evenings being so long and lonely. He was a farmer all his life so the evenings were usually the one time of the day that he spent relaxing with his wife and when she was gone he found it so hard to fill the time. He became very close friends with his deceased brother's widow and they offered great support to each other in the evenings, phoning each other for a chat, it passed the time for them and it helped them not feel so lonely. Would your mum have many friends that she would be able to spend time with or chat on the phone with?

If you feel you are nagging her, drop the subject for a little while but every now and then mention that the offer is always there for a lift somewhere or a phone call or meet for coffee or remind her her friends are only a phone call away. It took a long time to convince my boyfriend's dad that he wouldn't be imposing on anybody by asking to call for a cup of tea or something like that. If you are in a position to do so, would you consider moving in with your mother for a short period just to get her through these early stages?

Lastly, I fear you are forgetting about yourself in all of this. Unfortunately that is what happened to my boyfriend. When his father passed away he inherited the house, the farm and a lot of responsibility. He felt that his new role wasto be in charge and help me through my grief, while leaving his on the backburner. Try to make time for yourself. Allow yourself to feel sad and cry or do whatever it is that you want to do to grieve for your father. I know you are concerned about your mother but remember that there are different stages of grief and it is different for everyone and you have to look after yourself and allow yourself to go through all these natural emotions.

ctaf

So sorry to hear about your dad, I was 29 when my dad died and your situation sounds very similar to mine. My siblings and mother fell apart and I took control to the point that I didn't come to terms with my dads passing until his third anniversary when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Please, look after yourself, and possibly get yourself counseling firstly to get your feelings in check as you can't help others when your not coping.

It means nothing now, but the hours you couldn't spent with him in the hospital are not your fault and your dad knows that. Don't carry things with you that you had no control over, however, I totally understand your guilt, if you could go back in time, hospital policy would be the same and you wouldn't be able to change it.

With regards to your mother, my mother was my dads carer for a number of years and had lost touch with most of her friends. Also, a lot of people who used to call, stopped calling over time after my dad died. My mother had issues with not been in a couple and most of their friends were couples. She went into a slump and I supported her but let her grieve in her own way. I was so worried about her but I had to understand that I had lost my dad and horrible as it is, a child is meant to outlive his/her parents (not at such a young age though ) however, a partner who shares a bed, shares problems, encourage each other, plan their retirement etc, it's a totally different loss to yours. You will all grieve and mourn in a different way.

My dad also knew he was going to die, basically the doctor on the day explained to him that his mind was keeping him alive and his body was failing. by the time we got to the hospital, he was unconscious but could hear as he could squeeze our hands. My dad loved life, and didn't want to die, it still breaks my heart. But I knew he wasn't going to get better and hated to see him suffer, so it eased that burden somewhat. I don't know if this helps in your case.

In my case, it was 11 months before my mother began to get back on her feet and in that time we did the paperwork for all issues, sorted out payments on other issues etc. All else we let her do in her own time, however, we would put forward suggestions to her about jobs, places to go, people she should visit and let her know we were there for her. She had no interest and it was frustrating but it was her choice. All of a sudden almost a year later she rings me and tells me she has a job.

Your all in shock, have probably yet to mourn properly which takes time. Do things for yourself, see your friends. Also invite your mam to lunch just to get out of the house. I eventually had one session with a fantastic counsellor 6 years after my dad died. I was so stressed but was blaming everyone else for putting pressure on me and feeling a need to sort everyones problems (as I promised my dad just before he died that I would look after my mam but dealt with it wrong). The lady I seen said one thing to me during the session that has changed my life for the better. "Who are you to jump in and sort others problems. When people go through situations, they have the chance to grow and develop as a person and by you taking charge, you are taking the chance and option away from them and stopping them growing as a person" I felt I had to ensure everyone was ok. You don't. You just have to be there when they need you. (This doesn't meant you can't watch over them, just stand back and let your mam make choices when she's ready to). Support her but if your mam want's to spend the day in bed crying, let her. likewise, if you feel like doing the same, give yourself a break and do it.
Do you not have any siblings who are/can assist.
There is a widows association of Ireland, we didn't use them as I didn't know about them at the time, but you can google them.
Also, if you want the number of the counsellor I used, let me know. She isn't cheap,(about 70 or 90e an hour) but instead of just listening to you and repeating what you said to get you to find the answers, she is supportive and honest and most importantly, wise. Fingers crossed you don't require much counselling, you just need to stop, get things straight in your head and heal yourself.
I really hope you get through this, all of you. As another poster said, and it means nothing to you at the minute, but time does make it bearable. You will always have "days" , just fewer of them.